by Amanda Thome
“Morning Lindsay,” he answers. It takes me far too long to catch onto what the heck he’s talking about.
“Lindsay. Right.”
“I suggest you and Eric start using those names. Read your file; get to know your new identities. You never know, it could save your life.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll do it. Right Lindsay?” Ty’s hands are on my shoulders. “She can be a bit ornery but that’s why I married her.” He playfully squeezes my shoulders and walks away.
“Joke all you want but I’m serious. This could mean life and death for you two and the freedom of your people.”
All joking aside I get it. I just don’t like admitting the importance and responsibility I’ve gotten myself into. Jon escorts us out of the house taking us through the underground shuttle system. We exit to street level climbing inside his craft.
“Buckle up,” Ty says.
Just as my buckle clicks in place my body’s plastered against the seat as Jon flings down the accelerator, rocketing us forward. He drives like a maniac in the open roads and before I know it we’re interlacing in and out of trees and rocks.
My heart’s hammering and my knuckles are clutched white. Ty and Jon look relaxed in the front. Guys can be so dumb. Just as fast as we took off we slam to a skidding halt. The craft idles a foot above the ground and my stomach tosses and turns threatening to expel breakfast. Ty opens the door and I robotically give him my hand.
“You okay?” He asks sinking me to the ground.
“What was that?”
“I told ya he gets weird before missions.”
“Well you could have warned me a little more thoroughly.” I shake my head as we take off behind Jon walking through the thick woods. Out of nowhere there’s Jake standing beneath the most monstrous black craft I’ve ever seen. “Holy,” I gasp. Ty turns to me.
“You don’t remember it?”
“Should I?”
Jake interrupts, “It’s only the craft that saved you.”
“This is? I don’t remember anything about it.”
Jake grins, “Yeah, she’s a beauty isn’t she? No time to fool around though, daylight’s almost here and we’ve got to get across the walls before patrols spot us.”
I turn to give Jon a hug and thank him for all he’s done. Words can’t express the gratitude I feel or the debt I owe him.
“Where’d he go?”
Ty looks unfazed. “Jon? He’s like that. Doesn’t like goodbyes I guess. Did the same thing to me when I went after you.” I’m speechless and wounded. Jake waves from the ramp leading into the craft.
“Come on you two.”
We hike the oversized duffle bags to our shoulders trudging up the ramp into the belly of the massive craft. I can see what remains of our rescue months ago. There’s a hospital bed in the corner with medical machines and oxygen tanks stacked to the side. I can only imagine the chaos it was on here.
The craft flies smoothly through the night, touching down to our charred hillside just as first light breaks. Jake powers off the craft helping us unload our supplies.
Being that Ty and I have never set up a tent, Jake takes the morning teaching us how to build and secure the tents Jon packed for us. It’s a fortress by the time it’s done, a real camouflaged castle.
The first room holds all our meals and cooking supplies, they lay tidily along the left side. Straight ahead are the beacons and radios we’ll need to communicate with the team on the other side of the wall. To the right is a large metal chest with the words ‘caution-explosives’ written across the sides. It’s our bomb materials.
The tent’s tall enough for me to stand straight up in but Ty has to duck or else the top of his head scrapes the roof. He’s tall, almost six-three. I commandeer the room to the left, setting it up as my own. I have my own cot, a stack of clothes, and a sealed container carrying my contacts, Central uniform, and my new ID badge. Ty’s room is in the opposite corner of the tent. He seems so far away now. I’m used to having him next to me, close enough to hear him breathing.
By the time everything’s unpacked and we’re settled, the sun’s gone down and Jake’s safe to leave.
“Well you two… God speed.” He says smiling as he leaps up the ramp in three steps. As the craft lifts off it hits me how quiet it is out here.
“Well wife, what should we do with our time?” I glare at him. Joking or not, I’m not happy that Zane felt the need to marry us. I storm my way to the tent with Ty on my heels. “It was a joke, alright?” I nod. Ty’s hand wraps around my arm. “I swiped something from Jon’s place before we left.” He flashes a devious smile as he pulls the deck of cards from his jacket pocket.
I could use a distraction, “Alright. You deal,” I say. Ty deals hand after hand. An hour into our game I start complaining, “It’s not fun without the candies, there’s no incentive now.”
“I can think of an incentive.” He smiles.
“What?”
“Our clothes.” He smirks again. “I believe I’ve heard it called strip poker.”
I flush, “You aren’t serious!”
“It’s nothing I’ve never seen before.” He smiles. I’m stunned that I’m jealous. He hasn’t seen me naked before so who’s he talking about?
“Fine.” I chime as he starts picking-up the cards.
“It was a joke.”
“No I want to. Unlike you I haven’t seen everything before. Let’s play so I can laugh when you stand naked in front of me.”
“That sounds like a whole lotta awful.” He pauses as I stare at him coldly. “I’ll take my chances I guess,” he says as he hesitantly deals the cards.
I lose the first hand and peel a shoe off. Ty loses the next two and sits shoeless. I hit a bit of a losing streak and am down to no shoes, socks or shirt. I’ve still got my bra, pants and underwear covering me. Determined not to lose I buckle down and before I know it Ty’s sitting across me in his black underwear, which are tight to his strong legs. I have to win the next hand; I’m down to my bra and underwear too.
“Let’s just call it a night. No need to embarrass either of us.” He says with a sort of urgency in his voice.
“No. We go all the way.”
“Your call.” His face scrunches.
“Show me your hand.” I smile, I have a full house. I fan it out before him. No way will he beat me. He sluggishly puts down his straight flush.
“What!” I shout as he frowns. I freeze momentarily and then begin fidgeting with my bra from the back.
“Whoa, whoa! Let’s just call it a night.” He turns his eyes away as he talks.
“Huh?”
“I don’t need to see you naked. It was just a game.” He scoops up the cards and his pile of clothes taking them toward his room. It feels like I’ve been slapped in the face. What’s so wrong with seeing me naked?
“Wait a minute!” I shout. He turns to face me, he’s totally confused. “What’s so wrong with me?” I demand. He laughs so I push him backwards.
“What the frig?”
“Seriously, what’s so wrong with me? You don’t want me anymore? What happened to you ‘loving me, and wanting to save me?’ Now that you’ve done that you’re over it?” He looks shocked as he tries collecting my swinging arms.
“Nessa calm down. It’s not like that at all.” I keep twisting my arms. He’s hugging me trying to restrain me. “I’ve loved you since the start but I respect you too. I don’t wanna take advantage of you.”
There’s that word again, love. How am I supposed to react to that? I could let myself react naturally, the way my heart tells me to. I could let my heart hammer against my chest and tell me to believe him. Maybe I could let myself drift away in the moment and hope for more moments like this. Or I could turn away, hide my heart and continue shielding it. That’s what any sane person would do, isn’t it? But then my pounding heart slams hard, knocking on my chest begging me to yield. I want to yield. Not just to stop the hammering inside but because I know
he might be the only one to ever make me feel this way again. Without thinking I reach up pulling his lips to mine. His hands hesitate then furiously run down my neck and shoulders. He pulls me into his kiss.
I was wrong, my heart only hammers harder. My pounding chest soars as we stagger backwards over his pile of clothes, dropping onto his cot. I straddle him kissing him, my breath quickens with every touch. My fingers fumble with the clasp of my bra as he grazes his way down my long neck. My bra releases freeing my chest, I throw my bra to the side. He makes his way towards my exposed chest. My heart beats faster and harder as the sensations take me to the verge of shattering.
My body shivers as my skin rises on edge and I feel his solid arms lift me up, turning me on my back beneath him. My breathing’s fast and shallow while his is calm and even, his confidence is exciting and so controlled. His hand plunges downward and my breathing stops as I arch my back twisting and turning.
I’ll never be able to look at his hands the same. They work down there making me writhe. He works his fingers as his mouth finds its way upwards until he’s at my chest again. In no time the sensation begins building and it’s like I’m about to crack open, and then it happens. Amazing blissful sensations peak and I scream and moan in response. Ty relaxes his tense body and positions himself behind me.
“What did you do?” I ask breathlessly.
“Just one of the things I’ve wanted to do for a long time.” He kisses my cheek holding me in his arms. His body’s pressed to mine but he doesn’t push me for anything more. “Let’s go to sleep.” He sighs as he kisses the back of my head, “I love you.”
My heart hammers with the word. I can’t bring myself to say it back. I feel something for him too but it’s still too soon. I close my eyes hoping the guilt will go away. I keep telling myself I’m not doing anything wrong. I would have been with Garrett if Central hadn’t taken him away. I can’t spend my whole life alone anyway. I squeeze my locket and let Ty drape his arm around my waist. Ty’s deep breaths rise and fall from behind me.
With each breath I struggle to let myself be at peace. I wonder if Garrett is sleeping somewhere, breathing in the same rhythm as Ty. I wonder if his breath would have felt warm across the back of my neck too. Impossible questions, ones without answers. Answerless questions, the types that I should banish from my mind but never have the power to overcome them. Isn’t it awful that this is the way it works? The things that we can never wrap our minds around become the very seeds that consume our thoughts.
Chapter 44
It seems like it was just yesterday that Jake dropped us off at our hillside. It’s hard to believe two and a half months have passed already. Ty and I moved our cots into my room after that first night. We’ve spent every night together since. Today’s our last day on the hill. It’s time to start making our way to the testing facility.
“Lindsay you wanna help put this stuff in my hair?” Ty asks. The roots of his dark hair are peeking through.
“Yeah, let’s do this.” I rub the dye through his strands. We sit along the embankment waiting for the twenty-minutes to pass before we rinse.
“Tell me about your family,” he asks for the hundredth time. He told me all about his family a long time ago but I’ve done my best not to talk about mine.
“You really want to know?” He nods his head. “Okay, let’s see…” I trail off, trying to grasp my thoughts before I start. “My sister was born when I was five. My first vision happened a week earlier. My body stung from head to toe and woke me up.” I turn and see Ty focused on me. “I wanted so badly to move and free myself from my bed, my clothes, even my own skin but I was held hostage. I was paralyzed. The stinging turned to a steady buzzing and suddenly I was watching scattered images flash inside my mind. My head buzzed and blurred with snapshots of my mother lying with glazed green eyes and skin so white it was virtually transparent. After what seemed like an eternity the images stopped and my body was released. I’d soiled my grey gown and cried, I remember I laid all night in my soiled gown too afraid to move.” I look to him as he reaches for my hand.
“I was afraid I might wake my father who even then was already exhausted to the point he looked broken from the inside. But worse than waking him was the thought of waking my mother. I couldn’t bear to see her after what I’d just seen. Two months earlier the healer had told her she needed bed rest. Her belly had swollen so much those last few months and the more it swelled the less dancing light I saw radiating from her green and gold eyes. Since the day the healer had come she hadn’t taken me to the river bordering our house for my swim lessons.” I laugh remembering those lessons.
“A week after my vision I walked into our three-room home to find my father frantically pacing back and forth with his hands fisted and pulling at his graying hair. Tears streaked his pale face. I’d never seen him cry and I remember thinking it looked strange. In that moment he must’ve been too overcome with emotion to conceal his tears or wipe them from his face. Maybe he needed to feel them cool against his skin to know this was all really happening. The creaking of the door snapped him back to reality and he shot his wet eyes straight at mine.” I pause, wiping the corners of my eyes.
“He shouted to me to get the healer as fast as I could. I knew he was shouting but his voice sounded muffled and distant. I stood in our doorway unable to move. I knew what he needed but leaving was impossible. I was only five but I knew what was happening.” I wipe my eyes again as tears begin filling the corners. “He shouted again, interrupting my mental lapse. Before I bolted out the door I managed one final glance over my shoulder. I saw my mother drenched in her own sweat. Her skin was no longer tanned and glowing, it was sickly pale and wet like she’d been plunged in an icy bath. I ran out of the house and down the walkway.”
Ty holds his steady stare as I continue, “My mothers entire body shook so hard I could hear the bed quaking from the dirt walkway. As I rounded the first street corner I heard one final cry breaking her lips followed by a high-pitched scream from my newborn sister. I turned right with my naked feet slapping the dirt. I felt my sides split with pain. My chest pounded hard as my body fought to force air out as fast as I could take it in. I ran and I ran. I flew past the collectors station and took my final turn. I didn’t see the rock until it was too late and before I knew what was happening I was propelling through the air. I hit the ground with such force and momentum that I skimmed across the paved streets of the sub-one neighborhood. My knees felt like someone was holding a torch to them and searing them with black tar.”
I pull up my pant leg, “That’s where this scar came from.” I drop the fabric and continue, “I collected myself on all fours and let my cheeks feel the tears rolling from my eyes. In the middle of my weakness I felt a hand on my back. I lifted my head and pressed my eyes together and standing above me was a small boy with golden hair and deep brown eyes like acorns.” I turn to Ty and I can tell he knows the boy was Garrett. “His first words were asking to help me. I told him I needed a healer and where to find our house. Without hesitation he was off. I brought myself to my feet. I couldn’t bear waiting on the black tar for the healer and I didn’t want to be so far from Mama. I dashed toward my house with my mind numbed. I forgot my heaving heart and splitting sides and felt the warm blood dripping from my knees. I trusted he’d send help. I don’t know why but all it took was that one touch and I trusted him.” I smile as I remember us as kids.
“I ran and I ran retracing my steps back home. My feet pounded the pavement of sub-one and eventually I felt the dirt path of my subdivision. I rounded the corner and flew up our walkway and was finally home. I opened the door and saw her lying with glassy eyes. Her chest was heaving like the baby bird I saw fall from its nest that spring. I remember cradling the bird as it lay broken but breathing. The shock from seeing Mamas’ sick eyes and ragged breathing paled in comparison to the blood that covered her bed sheets. It was just as I’d seen it a week earlier in my vision. I went to her and could think o
f nothing but feeling her touch one last time. I slid my small hand into her cold damp palm. All I could think to do was sing and I made up a song just as she had done for me so many times before. When I came to the chorus I felt her squeeze my hand one final time. And just as it had with the bird, the breathing stopped. She was gone and there was nothing I could do. The healer burst through the door and sent me out but I already knew it was too late.”
Ty squeezes my hand reminding me it’s all in the past. “I went to the small room separating the sleeping quarters from the weatherworn door. I sat with Papa in the only chair we owned and fixed my blue eyes on the tiny bundle he held. He rocked her as tears streamed down his face. I wanted to hate this thing that had taken Mama from me. Eventually I decided I would face her and when I got close, she looked directly at me. All I could see was my mothers full green and gold-flecked eyes. I couldn’t help but love her; she was already so much like my Mama.” I smile remembering Emma like that.
“That’s how the life of my family as we know it started. How my Papa became a widower that was forced to work double shifts, how I fell in love with Emma, lost my mother, and met Garrett.”
“I’m sorry Nessa. That must have been awful.”
“It was but I got through it. I couldn’t have done it without Garrett.”
It’s been a long time since I’ve let myself think of him. Ty filled the holes in my heart almost completely but now that I’ve let myself talk about him again, I realize a part of me still belongs to Garrett. Is it possible to ever let go of your first love? Can I ever find a way to give my heart away again? If not to Ty then I’ll never be able to do it. I lift myself off the ground.
“It’s time to rinse that stuff out of your hair.”
We walk to the chilled river and rinse the dye from his soft hair. In no time he’s transformed back to Eric. My heart aches as I try forcing it to choose its course. We walk back to the tent to finish packing, my heart still bound down.
