by Harry Potter
You Know Who Sends Minister Biscuit Bouquet of DEATH!
Special Report by Sarah Chambers for the Daily Prophet.
The body of Rufus Scrimgeour, Minister of Magic, was found in his office early this morning by the cleaning crew.
The Magical Law Enforcement (MLE) has not released an official statement yet, but inside sources tells this reporter that the Minister received a gift from an anonymous citizen late yesterday.
“It looked like a bunch of harmless biscuits in a wicker basket,” my source told me. “I gave one of them to the misses last year.”
But alas, it wasn’t harmless. Either He Who Must Not Be Named or one of his followers (Death Eaters) charmed the biscuits to be implements of a heinous murder! The tiny chocolate chip filled treats were bewitched to fly out of the basket and cram themselves into the Minister’s nose and mouth totally blocking the victim’s air passages.
“Oh, it was ‘orrible,” Festus Montgomery, the janitor who found Scrimgeour’s body, said sadly. “He ‘ad two biscuits in each nostril and a couple dozen jammed in his gob.”
With his airway blocked by biscuits, the Minister slowly suffocated in a horrible chocolaty and crispy manner.
The interim Minister is S. Pippin. Until yesterday, Miss Pippin was the Under-Secretary in charge of Wizard-Goblin relations. An emergency session of the Wizengamot will commence later this afternoon to elect a new Minister. Interim-Minister Pippin hopes to sway the Wizengamot in hopes of making her new position permanent.
As to the motive to Minister Scrimgeour’s killing, there is talk in the halls of the Ministry that he was targeted in retaliation for the recent raids against suspected Death Eaters. A number of previously unknown Death Eaters were taken into custody when they were named by Hogwarts student turned Death Eater, Draco Malfoy. Malfoy could not be reached for comments as he is still recovering at St. Mungo’s. Mr. Malfoy’s injuries are said to have occurred while practicing what is commonly known as “rough sex” with his rumored life-partner, Harry Potter.
***
Harry was not in a jolly mood. To be more accurate, one would call his mood “angry” or even “pissed off.” It wasn’t just the news of Scrimgeour’s assassination that brought him down so much. Nor the more troubling fact that the Daily Prophet was still convinced that he and Draco were gay lovers and the paper was now saying that he roughed up Malfoy during their lovemaking. No, his mood came from the fact that Hermione hadn’t touched him in days. Yes, Harry was upset that Voldemort had struck such a devastating blow against the Light. However Harry hadn’t gotten any play since his hint at suggesting a three way.
Hermione was being very cool toward Harry. For two full days after he made the typical male mistake of actually speaking what was on his mind, Hermione made it a point not to stay in the same room as Harry. And as if she didn’t think Harry was getting the hint that she was ignoring him, on the third day Hermione started to make it obvious by sitting opposite of him during meals but refusing to look in his direction or even acknowledge his presence; an action which was blatant seeing that Ron, Luna, and Harry were the only ones sitting at the table.
A number of house-elves took a great amount of joy in Harry’s suffering. Apparently it was big news with the house-elves that the Great One and the One of the Mark were on the outs. Some of the tiny creatures would laugh at Harry while making obscene gestures at him. Sometimes, Harry could even hear them sing in the kitchen as he walked by:
“The One of the Mark don’t be getting any!
Soon his nuts do be shriveling!
Which makes we’s all happies!’
The One of the Mark don’t be getting any!”
It wasn’t hard to believe, but ‘Harry, Jr.’ was taking this dry spell worse than Harry was. The organ sulked about all day long and would often take its frustration out on its luggage. It wasn’t long before ‘Harry, Jr.’s baggage turned an interesting shade of puce. Harry tried to alleviate his discomfort with his own hand, but ‘Harry, Jr.’ would have none of it. Whenever Harry would try to wank off, the organ refused to play. As if it was saying that it wouldn’t play with anyone but Hermione.
Over a week after the “three-way faux pas” incident, Harry was in a sour mood and sitting alone in the Common Room. Hermione was in the library studying while Ron and Luna were in his room having sex. Harry took offence at Ron and Luna’s actions; it was as if they were mocking the fact that he hadn’t had sex in days whereas they would seemingly only take breaks for a snack before going at it again.
A startled and painful scream emanated from Harry and Ron’s room. Harry, fearing the worst, grabbed his wand and dashed up the stairs to find a naked Ron staggering out into the hall while clutching his bottom.
“Ron, what’s wrong?” demanded Harry as he desperately tried to not look at Ron below his shoulders for fear of seeing his friend’s exposed bits. “Are you hurt?”
“Yes I am,” snapped Ron. “Bloody hell!”
“Is Luna okay?”
“Oh, she’s fine,” Ron said bitterly. “She’s the one who hurt me.”
“What happened?” Harry demanded. He was irritated that Ron wasn't answering him directly... that and Harry was upset over seeing Ron naked... again.
“Well, Luna was... you know... while I was on my back...” Ron began. It was clear that he was very upset and deeply embarrassed.
“Riding you?” Harry asked for clarification. Ron's description of “you know” wasn't very enlightening. As Harry knew from experience, there were a number of things one can do on one's back.
“She was blowing me, okay!” snapped Ron. “Anyway, she stopped and she started talking. I don't know what she was saying because I wasn't paying too much attention to what she was saying, you know what I mean.”
Harry did in fact know what Ron meant this time. When Hermione pleasured Harry, he never paid too much attention to anything else.
“But I thought she was talking to someone,” Ron continued while still clutching his bum. “Then I heard her say something like 'are you sure he'll like it?' Then the next thing I know... she...she... it hurt!”
“What did she do?” Harry asked. He was wondering if she had accidentally hexed him. Or perhaps she used her teeth. But that wouldn't explain why Ron was holding onto his naked backside.
“Ron, what the hell did she do?” Harry repeated when the red haired wizard hesitated to answer.
“It was that bloody ghost again!” Ron blurted out.
“What ghost?” Harry asked. But the sick and worried expression on Ron's face told Harry the answer. “Gryffindor!”
“He told her to... do something to me.” Ron said vaguely.
It slowly dawned upon Harry. He recalled the time Gryffindor watched and critiqued Harry's cunnilingus and Hermione's fellatio and how the perverted old ghost suggested that Hermione should stick her finger into Harry's bum while she blew him. It was clear that Gryffindor had given Luna this same advice and, unlike Hermione, she had followed through.
“Ow,” Harry mutter sympathetically.
“‘Ow’ he says,” Ron grumbled. “You weren’t the one who got a finger stabbed in his hole.”
Grumbling about how “the mood” was ruined, Ron sulked off to the showers. A giggle sounded from the room Ron just exited.
“Hermione does get quiet wet doesn’t she?” Luna commented happily.
Harry opened the door to find Luna, with a bed sheet wrapped around her like an improvised toga, sitting across from the ghost of Gryffindor. While Luna was being polite and looking Gryffindor in the eye, the ghost was blatantly staring directly into the blonde witch’s ample cleavage. It looked like the ghost’s eyes were about to pop out of his head.
“That boy has one powerful tongue,” Gryffindor speculated. “Maybe you should have him give a go on you.”
“Oh, no, I’d never do that,” Luna said calmly as if it was a normal occurrence for a ghost of a Hogwarts’ founder to suggest that she should cheat on her husband.
“Besides, I’ve asked Harry to give Ronald tips on cunnilingus.”
“Maybe they would let Ron... and me... watch Harry work?” Gryffindor said hopefully.
“I could join in and observe as well,” Luna added dreamily. “It would be wonderful to learn something new. I am a Ravenclaw after all and I do so love to learn new things!”
“Great!” exclaimed Gryffindor. “And if the boy gets tired, you can hop in and finish Hermione off.”
Luna responded by giving the ghost a disapproving eye. Seeing that Gryffindor was openly looking down her voluminous cleavage, he didn’t see this look.
“I take it you got bored with Mrs. Black?” Harry asked and finally announced his presence.
“Goodness no, boy,” the ghost exclaimed. “I tired her out.”
“How the hell do you tire out a magical painting?” Harry asked and immediately regretted the question because Gryffindor replied by giving Harry a rather rude gesture with his tongue and two fingers.
“Harry, Godric brought up a good point,” Luna stated.
Harry was stunned, Luna was agreeing with Gryffindor! What she was agreeing with wasn’t important, just the fact that she was was shocking.
“Which point was that, love?” the ghost asked. “Was it about the bum-plug, gurgling, hammock, or watching?”
Apparently while Ron and Harry had been talking outside the room, Luna and Gryffindor had been discussing a number of things.
“The watching,” Luna said dreamily.
“LUNA!” Harry ejaculated in surprise... not that way you dirty minded pervs.
“Harry, you are obviously very good at pleasuring Hermione with your tongue,” Luna explained. “From what Hermione and I have discussed, a portion of your art lies in your technique, not just your Parselmouth abilities. And Ronald would be too embarrassed to talk to you about such techniques.”
“But he would be less embarrassed if he watched me eat out Hermione?” Harry asked in shock.
“I could give him the proper motivation,” explained Luna. “The reason wouldn’t be out of pure perversion if Ronald and I watch; our relationship would benefit from what we learned.”
“You noticed she said it wouldn’t be ‘pure perversion’,” Gryffindor commented. “That means a part of her would like to watch.”
“Yes, Harry and Hermione make an attractive couple,” admitted Luna. “However, my main interest is that Ronald is a visual learner; if he watches you perform cunnilingus, he may be able to use the techniques on me. Which would strengthen our bond even further.””
Harry was completely stunned. He stood in the doorway with his mouth opening and closing like a fish as he tried to think up something to say. Luna was requesting a show! She tried to sugar coat it, but as Gryffindor pointed out, she still wanted to watch Harry eat out Hermione!
“Think about it, won’t you?” requested Luna as she stood up and walked to Harry. The blonde witch placed a friendly kiss on Harry’s cheek before adding, “Who knows, maybe Ronald and I will return the favor and you two can watch us?”
Harry was completely flummoxed; not only had Luna wanted to watch Harry and Hermione, but she offered to return the favor! Luna strolled out of the room and headed to the shower.
“Excuse me, but I have to go make up with my husband,” Luna said and disappeared into the bathroom.
“I like her!” Gryffindor offered. “She’s got moxie!”
“Just sod off you pervert!” snapped Harry.
“My, aren’t our knickers in a bunch,” the ghost mocked. “What’s your problem, not getting enough tail?”
Harry stared daggers at Gryffindor.
“Oh ho!” Gryffindor chuckled. “Hermione’s holding out on you!”
“Shut it!” Harry snarled.
“What did you do to piss her off?”
“Leave me alone!”
“Did you try knocking on the back door?” the ghost persisted and Harry did his best to ignore him. Perhaps, that way Gryffindor would grow bored and leave. “Did you bring up a threesome?”
“SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP!”
“Harry, Harry, Harry,” the spirit said solemnly while shaking his head. “You can’t just go up to your witch and say ‘How about a threesome!’ You have to ease her into the idea.”
“Sod off,” Harry said under his breath.
“You have to start out subtly,” Gryffindor continued. “Let’s set up a little scenario, why don’t we?”
“Let’s not,” Harry muttered and walked out of the room. Unfortunately, the ghost followed Harry into the Common Room.
“For example, Luna is sitting on the other side of the room. You should whisper small things in Hermione’s ear like, ‘Isn’t Luna pretty in that dress?’ or ‘I prefer Luna’s hair up, don’t you?’ That way you get a feel if Hermione is attracted to Luna...”
“JUST SHUT UP!” Harry shouted at the top of his lungs. “IT WAS A MISTAKE, OKAY! I REALLY DON”T WANT TO SHARE HERMIONE, EVEN WITH ANOTHER WITCH! I SAID SOMETHING STUPID IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT!”
Harry stormed out of the Common Room and into the hall. He slammed the portrait closed but he could still hear Gryffindor shout, “What if the other witch is really hot?”
As he stomped out of the castle, Harry pondered over his mistake. He didn’t really want to bring another witch into bed. In all honesty, it would be very awkward before, during, and after the act at best. Would Hermione have been jealous if he spent too much time on the other witch? Conversely, would she be irate if he didn’t focus on their guest more than her because doing so would be rude and improper? Also, Harry’s performance would be put to the test. With Hermione and another witch there would be four breasts and two vaginas and only one ‘Harry, Jr.’. That’s a lot of pressure for a bloke.
It was a stupid teenaged fantasy that Harry regretted voicing. For the rest of the day, Harry felt horrible. Guilt ate at his stomach until the bile crept up and burned his throat. He actually got physically ill because of his guilt. And Harry didn’t even try to sleep. It would’ve been pointless to do so. His sleep would have been marred by a nightmare of a woman with far too many breasts and an enormous vagina.
When he had returned to the Common Room, he saw Hermione begin to head up to her room. She looked at him contemptuously before she disappeared from view, which just made Harry feel even more pathetic and hurt.
