Night at the Museum

by Michael Anthony Steele

  Nick shook his head. “Okay, but you’re calling mom from jail.”

  Once at the door, Larry gave it two soft knocks. The door opened slightly and Ahkmenrah appeared on the other side. The young pharaoh held the golden tablet. Larry glanced at the guard shack one last time before he and Nick slipped inside.

  “Thanks, Ahk,” said Larry. He gave Nick’s back a pat. “Let’s go.”

  Ahkmenrah gave a weak smile. “Larry, the others felt ... perhaps we could use some help.”

  Larry stopped in his tracks. “What do you mean, the others?” He turned and saw Teddy Roosevelt climb over the edge of the open packing crate behind them.

  “You couldn’t expect me to sit idly by,” said the former president. He brushed packing peanuts off his uniform. “Our very survival is at stake.”

  Larry wasn’t expecting anyone but Ahkmenrah to join him and Nick on their trip to England. But, then again, what was one more? “Good idea,” agreed Larry. He nodded toward the former president. “Teddy. A good man to have in a crisis.”

  Larry was surprised to see Attila the Hun sit up amid a burst of foam peanuts. The large warrior followed Teddy out of the crate.

  Larry sighed. “Okay ... a little muscle never hurts.”

  Teddy reached past the Hun and took the slender hand of Sacajawea. “Wonderful tracking abilities,” said Teddy. He helped the Native-American woman out of the crate. “Not to mention a deep emotional companionship that becomes richer and more fulfilling with each passing day.” He brought her hand to his lips and gave it a tender kiss.

  Larry rolled his eyes. “Very romantic.”

  A few more packing peanuts burst from the crate. Then four tiny hands appeared on the lip of the open container. Jed and Octavius hauled themselves up to the edge.

  Larry shook his head. “Not totally necessary. But ... you guys can do recon ... I guess.”

  Suddenly, Dexter burst from the open crate in an explosion of packing peanuts. The mischievous monkey landed on the rim and grinned up at everyone.

  Larry turned to Teddy. “You want to walk me through the thinking here?”

  “I actually tied him in a sock and locked him in McPhee’s filing cabinet,” explained Teddy. “He’s some kind of Houdini monkey.”

  Dexter wasn’t the last to exit. A hairy hand reached out and grabbed the edge. Laaa, Larry’s Neanderthal twin, pulled himself out of the wooden box. The caveman’s eyes widened when he spotted Larry. “Dada!”

  Larry’s lips tightened. “No possible benefit whatsoever.”

  Ahkmenrah’s face softened. “He really wanted to come.”

  Laaa stumbled out of the crate and stood facing Nick. Laaa eyed the boy suspiciously.

  “Laaa, this is my son, Nick,” said Larry. “My actual son.”

  “Hi,” said Nick. He reached out to shake Laaa’s hand. The Neanderthal only glared at the boy.

  Teddy clasped his gloved hands together. “All right, Lawrence. What’s the plan of attack?”

  Larry addressed his circle of friends. “Basically, we need to get to the Egyptian Wing. Hopefully Ahk’s dad can help fix whatever’s wrong with the tablet.”

  Larry glanced around his circle of friends. Laaa wasn’t there. Instead, he stood by the crate, staring at them while he munched on a handful of packing peanuts as if they were movie-theater popcorn.

  Larry shook his head and marched over to the caveman. “Okay, you know what, Laaa? I would love to bring you with the rest of us. But I’ve got a super important job for you. Come over here.”

  Laaa dropped the peanuts and followed Larry. Laaa shot Nick a triumphant look as he and Larry moved toward the door leading outside.

  Larry pointed to the metal door. “I want you to watch this door. Make sure nothing comes in or out. Seal it up tight. You’re going to be a guard ... just like me.”

  Laaa stared blankly at Larry.

  Larry glanced at the others. “Is he getting this?”

  Teddy shook his head. “I don’t believe so. No.”

  “Not a word,” added Sacajawea.

  Larry pointed to the door again. “Nobody comes in. Nobody goes out.” He pointed to the ground. “Stay.”

  Laaa nodded. “Staaaay.”

  “Good.” Larry patted the caveman’s shoulder. Then Larry turned to join the others. Unfortunately, Laaa followed him back.

  “No, Laaa.” Larry shook his head. He pointed back to the door. “Stay.”

  Laaa grinned and nodded vigorously. “Staaaay!”

  “Okay, no,” said Larry. He took the Neanderthal’s arm and led him back to the door. “Come here.” Larry grabbed Laaa’s hands and placed them flat on the door. “Hands here. Okay? No move.”

  Laaa glanced at both of his hands and finally seemed to get it. He grunted and smiled at Larry.

  “Good. Stay there.” Larry slowly backed away. “We’ll come back for you. Stay.”

  “Staaaay,” Laaa repeated. He stared intently at his hands on the door.

  Seeing that Laaa finally wasn’t going anywhere, Larry swept past the others. He headed toward a set of double doors at the other side of the freight room. Nick and the exhibits from New York fell into step behind him.

  Larry stopped at the doors and turned to the others. “Listen up,” he said. “This place is waking up for the first time. Stay together. We have no idea what’s out there.”

  He pushed through the doors and entered a large dark chamber. The others slowly followed. Eerie scraping sounds filled the air and dark shadows moved around them. Strange howls and cries sounded in the distance.

  Attila’s wide eyes darted around. “Magga kalaskaa,” he whispered.

  “I know, big guy,” said Larry. “It’s spooky, all right.” He gave the Hun a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “Just stay close.”

  As Larry’s eyes adjusted to darkness, he could make out some of the misshapen figures around them. They seemed to be living statues. Suddenly, three marble women lurched into a shaft of light ahead of them. They were stark white and wore long flowing togas. Under normal circumstances, their appearance wouldn’t be so frightening. However, the three living statues were missing different body parts. One was even headless. The two with heads turned to them and trained their blank, unblinking eyes at the new arrivals.

  Jed and Octavius peered out from the fur rim of Attila’s hat. “What kind of haunted hootenanny is this?” asked Jed.

  “These figures are from the Parthenon,” replied Octavius. “Before my time. Ancient Greece.”

  “We’re all finding this super creepy, right?” said Nick.

  Nick was right. The group from New York suddenly found themselves surrounded by shambling misshapen figures. A disfigured centaur hobbled closer. Disembodied arms dragged themselves forward. Headless figures reached for them with fingerless hands. Larry felt as if he were in the middle of a scary zombie movie.

  “They’re probably just a little freaked out,” Larry explained.

  “The first time we woke up ...” added Teddy. “Well, being alive took some getting used to.”

  A muscular statue hobbled into the center of the surrounding figures. The stone man was missing both hands and his legs were stumped at the knees. He scraped the marble floor as he dragged himself closer, reaching up toward Larry. He looked like a statue of a wrestler.

  “Oh, hey,” said Larry, smiling down at the marble man. “We don’t want any trouble. We’re just trying to get to Egypt.”

  With shocking speed, the statue dove for Larry’s legs. The wrestler landed on the floor and slid along the marble on his belly. Without even thinking, Larry performed an old wrestling move he remembered. He dove onto the back of the statue. With his stomach pinned to the statue’s back, he spun around. He slid back and landed on his feet behind the wrestler.

  Nick’s eyes widened. “What the heck was that?”

  Larry stayed in a crouch as he faced the statue. “I wrestled 148 in high school.”

  “Really?” Nick raised an eyebrow
. “I never knew that.”

  Larry nodded. “Yeah, man. Third place in the Kings County regionals.”

  The stone wrestler struggled to rise. Unfortunately, his broken appendages couldn’t get any traction on the smooth floor.

  Larry felt sorry for the wrestler. At one time, the statue would have represented all the strength and power of the popular Greek sport.

  “It’s all right,” said Larry. He knelt beside the figure. “Slippery floor and no ... appendages. Tough. I get it.”

  The wrestler jerked and a stone leg flew in from nowhere. It struck Larry’s legs, knocking him off his feet. In a flash, the wrestler statue was all over the night guard. He wrapped his thick thighs around Larry’s head and squeezed.

  Larry beat at the floor with one open palm. “Dude! I’m tapping out!” He cut his eyes up to Teddy. “How do you say tapping out in Latin?”

  “Dad,” said Nick.

  Larry looked over at Nick. “What?” he could barely ask as the clamping legs tightened around his neck.

  “Foot,” replied his son.

  Nick slid a marble foot across the floor. It came to a stop just a few inches from Larry’s face. The stone toes wiggled.

  Teddy smiled. “Make him whole, son.”

  “What?” asked Larry. He felt dizzy from the lack of oxygen to his brain.

  “The mightiest redwood is only as strong as its roots, Lawrence,” replied Teddy.

  Larry reached a free hand and snatched up the foot. “You want the foot?” he asked the wrestler. Larry held up the foot. It had a metal rod sticking out of the top. The wrestler’s grip loosened just enough for Larry to slip the rod into the slot inside one of the statue’s ankles. The wrestler released Larry and examined his new foot he flexed it and smiled.

  “Good?” asked Larry. “You like that? Want another one?”

  The wrestler nodded as he stood and hopped on his new foot. Sacajawea handed Larry another foot. Larry crouched and carefully fit the second foot onto the wrestler’s other ankle.

  “Here you go,” said Larry. “Nice arch support in there.” He stood and motioned to the statue. “Walk around on it. See how it feels.” Larry felt like a shoe salesman.

  The wrestler propped himself up on his new feet. He walked in a small circle before charging at Larry once more.

  “Whoah!” Larry threw up his arms and backed away.

  Instead of trapping Larry in another wrestling hold, the statue wrapped his arms around Larry and lifted him off the ground with a hug of gratitude.

  When the statue finally released him, Larry smiled at his friends. “Come on, let’s help these guys out.”

  Larry snatched up a crawling hand and placed it on the broken wrist of a man wearing a toga. Teddy and Sacajawea scooped up arms and legs and passed them out among the statues. Nick was thanked with a wide smile when he placed a woman’s head onto a statue’s headless body. With everyone’s help, replacement limbs were found for all the Parthenon statues. Granted, they weren’t all perfect fits, but none of the Greek exhibits seemed to mind.

  “Manda go soon daaah!” said Attila. He placed a horse’s head onto a headless woman.

  “Uh ...” Larry began. He thought he should correct Attila’s mistake. But he was speechless when the horse-head woman ran a finger through her luxurious mane. She gave a toothy grin to Attila. The Hun warlord rolled his eyes and blushed.

  Dexter chattered as he held up a broken nose to a centaur. This particular statue already looked mismatched. He represented the mythical creature that had the torso of a man attached to the body of a horse. This particular statue was complete except for a missing nose. The centaur clopped forward and reached down toward the monkey. Dexter grinned mischievously and backed away from the centaur’s reach.

  “Dex ...” warned Larry.

  The monkey didn’t heed Larry’s warning. Instead, Dexter held the nose over his head and chattered his little monkey laugh. The noseless centaur scowled and pounded a hoof against the marble floor. Dexter spun and scampered out of the room. The centaur galloped after him.

  “Dex!” yelled Larry as he gave chase.

  He followed the centaur into a long chamber. A sign across the entrance let him know that he had entered the Hall of the Hunt. Its paneled walls were lined with taxidermy animal heads mounted on wooden plaques. There were exotic animals from all over the world—wild boars, rhinoceroses, bighorn sheep. The tablet had worked its magic with stuffed creatures, as well. The animal heads turned to watch Larry run by.

  Larry slid to a stop beside the large centaur. The creature snorted as he glared up at an ornate chandelier suspended from the high ceiling. It swung lazily as Dexter dangled from it.

  Larry put his hands on his hips and glared up at the monkey. “Dex, give the horse guy his nose.”

  Dexter grinned once more and then tossed the marble nose down at the mythical creature. The centaur caught it with one hand and fit it to his face. Now complete, the centaur snorted once more before clopping back toward the Greek gallery.

  The mounted heads turned to watch him leave. Then they tracked the movements of the rest of Larry’s friends as they entered.

  Larry pointed up at the monkey. “Dex, if you pull something like that again ...” began Larry. He finished his threat by pointing to the animal heads around him. Dexter seemed to get the idea. He hopped down and scampered over to the rest of the group.

  Suddenly, the ground shook. The chandeliers jingled and the mounted animal heads rattled on the walls. The immense vibrations were rhythmic, as if they were made by footsteps—the footsteps of something with massive feet. The sound grew louder. Then the source of the sound turned a corner and came into view.

  A giant dinosaur skeleton tromped into the other end of the long room. It lumbered on four bony feet and swung a skeletal tail. Two horns jutted from the fossilized frill encircling the top of its skull. Just in front of its hollow eyes, another horn protruded from its bony snout. It was the fossilized skeleton of a massive triceratops.

  “Lawrence, I think it’s safe to say we’re in trouble,” said Teddy. He crept closer to Larry as the dinosaur tromped forward.

  “We’ll just be down here if anyone needs us,” said Octavius. He and Jedediah ducked behind the fur cuff of Attila’s hat.

  At first, Larry was startled by the approaching living fossil. But then he spotted something hooked on the wall among the mounted animal heads. “I know how to deal with this guy,” he told Teddy.

  Larry moved to the wall and hefted a large elephant tusk from an ornate plaque. Holding the heavy ivory shaft in both hands, he stepped forward to meet the oncoming dinosaur.

  “Dad, what are you doing?” asked Nick.

  Larry shot a smile over his shoulder. “How do you think I tamed your pal, Rexy?” he asked.

  When Larry first became the night guard at the Museum of Natural History, the first creature he saw come to life was Rexy—the terrifying skeleton of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. At first Larry didn’t know what to do. Luckily, Cecil, his predecessor as night guard, had left a specific list of instructions. Number one on that list: throw the bone. Larry soon realized that Rexy was more like a giant dog. Only, he was a giant dog who enjoyed playing fetch with one of his own rib bones.

  Larry held up the tusk as he approached the triceratops. “Hey big fella,” he said in a gentle voice. He wiggled the tusk in the air. “Want to play fetch?”

  The dinosaur skeleton stopped and trained its hollow eye sockets on the tusk. Its horned head tracked the tusk as Larry moved it from side to side.

  “Yeah, it’s gonna be fun,” Larry continued. Larry raised the tusk over his head. “You ready?” He leaned back and hurled the tusk over the dinosaur’s head. “Go get it!”

  The skeleton turned its skull to watch the tusk sail down the long hall. The ivory shaft clattered to the ground, spinning as it slid along the floor. Once the tusk came to a stop, the triceratops turned its head back to Larry.

  “Go get it.” Larry wave
d it away with his hands.

  The dinosaur cocked its head, as if trying to understand.

  “All you,” continued Larry. “Go on.”

  The fossilized skeleton squared its head and opened its mouth wide.

  ROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAR!

  “Huh,” said Nick. “Not a big fetcher.”

  “Lawrence, may I suggest a different plan?” asked Teddy.

  Larry slowly backed away from the dinosaur. “What’s that?”

  Teddy took in a deep breath. “Run!!!”

  CHAPTER 4

  Larry and the others sprinted through the Hall of the Hunt as the giant skeleton galloped after them. The mounted animal heads turned in unison, watching the frenzied parade. The group exited the hall and took a sharp right down another corridor. The lumbering beast couldn’t make the turn as easily. The skeleton smashed into a glass case against the wall. Ancient tools and artifacts scattered everywhere. The collision bought them some time, but not much.

  “I thought a triceratops was a plant eater!” said Nick.

  “He doesn’t want to eat us,” said Ahkmenrah. “He just wants to kill us!”

  Larry spotted the entrance to another exhibit. Over the entranceway a large sign announced the History and Myth of the Middle Ages exhibit. Beyond lay a large gallery full of tapestries, armor, and medieval weaponry. Larry didn’t care about the exhibit itself. What appealed to him were the two large wooden doors on either side of the entrance.

  “Follow me!” he ordered.

  Everyone darted through the entrance. Once his friends were inside, Larry swung the massive doors shut behind him. He snatched a large battle axe from the wall and pushed its long shaft through the door handles, barring the doors.

  Larry caught his breath. “I think we’re good.”

  Suddenly, the doors erupted in a mass of wood chips and splinters as the triceratops smashed through. The group scattered back as the dinosaur skeleton shoved its way inside. The great beast lunged at them and swung its head to one side. One of his horns hooked a strap on Nick’s backpack.