by Erin Osborne
“What are you runnin’?” I ask, needing to know that before anything gets decided.
“Pussy, guns, and drugs,” he answers, sitting back in his chair while gauging my response.
“No pussy. I don’t give a fuck how you get that wherever it’s gotta go, but after what we’ve seen it’s not goin’ through our territory. Sorry, can’t help you with that,” I tell him, letting him see that I’m just as serious and that things with Harry and his crew were that bad.
“Guns and drugs then?” Craze asks after a few minutes and looking at the members surrounding him.
“That we can handle. Let me take this back to my table and I’ll be in touch,” I say, standing up while my men do the same.
“I’m sorry for all the shit that he stirred up. We didn’t know that’s what he was there doing,” Craze says, looking at Bear and only Bear.
Bear nods his acceptance before we all make our way out to the bikes. Not a single one of us says a word as we straddle our rides and make our way back home. The ride home will give us each time to think about the proposal before we take it to the table. But, I’m not gonna prolong answering Craze either. He could’ve started a war with us today over the loss of an entire chapter. It doesn’t matter if they were getting ready to cut them loose or not. They were still a part of the club when the shit went down. That’s a point in his favor, but it depends on the club as a whole.
We stopped one time on the way home. Grave got a hold of everyone and made sure they’d be there for church as soon as we got back. I want to have Craze’s answer today. As we walk in the meeting room, the table is full and the only one missing is Tats. He shocked the fucking shit out of me with his betrayal. But that’s the next thing that we’re going to take care of; vetting our guys a little better from now on. I’ll never have another man under me take his chances and not come to us when there’s a problem he thinks is too big to handle alone. We all need to trust in one another and have each other’s back.
I bang the gavel on the old, scarred table before I even sit down. The sooner we can get this out of the way, the sooner we can all move on. “We met with Craze. It was civil and he had no clue what was goin’ on here. Harry was workin’ his own agenda,” I tell the guys that weren’t with us today.
“What’s he want then?” Psycho asks, speaking up for everyone else as he sits back in his chair.
“He wants to transport through our territory. Harry was supposed to be here brokerin’ a way to do that. Not terrorizin’ everyone in town and the club,” I answer him, looking at everyone around me. “They want to take guns and drugs through here with a possibility of protection if it’s needed. Already told them no pussy comes through here.”
“He didn’t have a problem with that?” Smokey asks, lighting a cigarette and taking a deep pull from it.
“No. Told him after what happened with Harry that we wouldn’t deal with it goin’ through here. Honestly, I don’t think he wants a war any more than we do,” I say, looking at every man and giving them a chance to think about this before I call a vote. “Anyone got anythin’ to say?”
“Yeah. I think we should work with him. I’m not sayin’ that I trust him at all. But we can keep an eye on them and see how a relationship with them would play out,” Bear says, shocking the shit out of me.
Every single one of the men of Satan’s Anarchy look at Bear to see how serious he is. Knowing that the time is now, I call a vote. Bear is the first one to say yes followed by every single man at the table. I bang the gavel to signal the affirmative answer and place my phone on the table in front of me. Placing the call to Craze we all sit in silence before he answers.
“Renegade,” his gravelly voice says in answer.
“We’ve voted on the talk earlier today. No pussy but guns and drugs were voted yes on. We have details that need to be talked about and agreed upon before the first run makes its way through here. Do you know when that’s gonna be?” I ask, trying to figure out when we’ll be seeing him again.
“In two weeks,” his response comes fast and straight.
“Fine. You be here on Friday. Come to our house and we’ll iron out all the details. I don’t want a war with you, Craze, but don’t try any stupid ass shit,” I warn, the only one that he’ll get.
“You have my word. I’ll make this up to your man and club one way or another. My men were disgusted by what we told them. Harry is lucky he’s already fucking dead. I’ll see you on Friday,” Craze says before hanging up.
Banging the gavel on the table once again, I dismiss church and watch everyone file out of the room. They’re joking around and in a good mood now that we know war isn’t coming to us. I want to be right there next to them, but the guilt won’t let me. I’ve fucked up so many times in my life and feel so much older than I truly am. Fuck!
I finally walk out of the meeting room and make my way to my office. There’s paperwork to be done and final details to be gone over regarding the toy drive. I’d rather be doing that than getting drunk or losing myself in loose pussy. It isn’t what I want anymore. I want what Bear and Callie have. But I don’t know that I deserve to bring a sweet, gentle woman into my crazy as fuck life. I guess we never know what the future will hold for us.
Epilogue
Hadliegh
I LOOK AT EVERYONE AS THEY GET READY to ride out on the toy run for the Christmas project that Callie’s grandma started so many years ago. Tears fill my eyes as I watch everyone that has helped me through one of the worst times in my life. Men and women that have taken me into their world, and family, nursed me back to health, and that I’ve formed relationships of one form or another with. These are the people that I wish were going to stay in my life but that’s not my reality.
Callie is more than a friend, she’s like my sister. We have a bond that was formed by a situation that we both found ourselves in for different reasons. During the time we were locked in a cell, I knew that she was going to fill a void in my heart and be someone that I could protect when I couldn’t protect someone when I was younger. We talked, laughed, cried, silently screamed together, and survived hell. Yes, I took more beatings than I should have from her while we were locked up. I’d do it all over again if we went back in time. There’s a light in her that you don’t get to see that often. She’s pure and good. Today’s run is proof enough of that. I would do anything I could to protect that forever. Unfortunately, life has other plans for me and I have to leave her. Bear will be there to make sure that nothing, or no one, dims that light from her. He’ll protect her and the kids like no other.
My heart will be left here when I leave, but I can’t get it back. Remington ‘Psycho’ Jackson owns my heart. It will stay in Shadowville with him while I move on and create a new life for myself. One that’s cold and lonely without these amazing people around me. He’s a story that I’d rather bury and treasure without tainting it further by the words we say and the hurt we inflict on one another. It was supposed to be simple, not this hard. We were supposed to have a no strings attached affair so that we could both move on when it was over. Somewhere along the way he got under my skin and ripped my heart out. It’s in the palm of his hands but he doesn’t want it; it’s not our time and it never will be.
The first tear leaks from my eyes as I recall the argument that we had this morning.
Lying in bed with Psycho, I feel comfortable and sated. He’s the only man that can give me what I need and take what he needs in return. It’s not a one-sided fuck where he makes sure he gets off and leaves me hanging. No, he makes sure that I reach my climax at least a few times before he’ll let himself go. It doesn’t matter what we do or try, I’m up for anything when it comes to this man.
“What are you thinkin’ about?” he asks, wrapping his arms tighter around me and pulling me closer to him in the process.
“Nothing really. Have you ever thought about having kids?” I ask, suddenly needing to know the answer.
“Nope. Don’t want them. I know tha
t I’ll just fuck them up in the end so what’s the point?” he replies, turning me to face him while I think about his answer. We’ve never had a really intimate and personal conversation like this before.
“How do you know you’ll fuck them up?” I question as I lay my head on his arm so that I can look up into his chocolate brown eyes.
“Look, Renegade and I didn’t have the best upbringin’. My mom’s a strong woman, but that doesn’t mean the three of us didn’t suffer at the hands of my dad. I don’t have a good influence to look at when it comes to bein’ a dad and I don’t want to ever bring kids into my life. The life I live is hard and dangerous. Why would I knowingly put my flesh and blood in danger just because I didn’t know how to wear a fuckin’ condom? What’s with the questions Hadliegh?” he asks, sitting up in bed and pulling a cigarette out and lighting it before standing up to pull his jeans on.
“I see how you are with the twins. Knox and Jasmine absolutely adore you,” I answer, trying to get him to see that he does know how to be a good dad. He proves it every day when he plays with Callie and Bear’s kids and takes care of them when he doesn’t have to.
“They’re not mine. I don’t fuckin’ want kids and that’s the end of the fuckin’ conversation,” he yells out, placing his cigarette in the ashtray so that he can pull on his shirt. “Now, tell my why you’re really askin’. You knocked up and tryin’ to pawn the kid off as mine?”
I sit up in stunned silence. I’ve only been with him since we got rescued from the twatwaffles dungeon. Every other man repulses me and can’t hold a candle to Psycho. “No, I would never dream of doing anything like that you rotten motherfucker. Don’t worry, you won’t have to have this conversation with me again you fucking piece of shit!”
Standing up, I grab my clothes and make my way into the bathroom. Once I’m dressed and have thrown my hair up into a messy bun, I open the door to find him sitting on the bed. Psycho looks up at me and I can see the regret and anger in his eyes. He can kiss my fucking ass if he thinks I’m gonna accept another word from him.
“Hadliegh, I’m….” he begins to say as I grab my purse and make my way to the door to leave. “You’re leavin’? Why the hell are you leavin’?”
“You basically just called me a fucking slut that would try to pawn a baby off as being yours. More than any other motherfucker you should know that you’re the only one that’s been in my bed since we were rescued. I’m not gonna put up with your bullshit; I don’t have to,” I tell him, turning my back to him and walking through the door before slamming it and leaving the clubhouse. I can break down later when I’m alone and not going to run into anyone.
Psycho has tried to talk to me, but I ignore him and turn my back on him every single time he gets close. Callie has seen what’s going on, but she doesn’t know what’s wrong. I can see the questions in her eyes. Especially since she knows everything I own is loaded up in the small, used car I just bought. We’re gonna have to talk in a few minutes, but it’s not a conversation that I want to have with my sister from another mister.
“Hadliegh, what’s wrong?” Callie asks, walking up to me on the sidelines while the guys continue to get ready to leave the clubhouse parking lot.
“It’s a long story and I’m not gonna get you in the middle of it. Just know that no matter where I end up or what happens that I love you. You’ll always be my sister from another mister and I can’t wait for pictures of your new tattoo when you get it done. Ink will hook you up,” I tell her, not letting my secret out of the bag.
“You’re not putting me in the middle of anything. Hoes before bros every single time,” she answers, wrapping her arm around my shoulders as I lose it. Tears are streaming down my face faster than I can comprehend right now. Damn hormones!
“Cal, I’m pregnant and Psycho doesn’t want kids. He even accused me of being pregnant and trying to pawn the kid off as his. You know that I’m hard, but I’m not a fucking slut. He made me feel so small and weak this morning that I know it’s time to move on,” I tell my friend not realizing that the man I was just talking about is standing right behind me.
“The fuck Hadliegh?” I hear his masculine voice ask behind me.
Looking over my shoulder, I pull Callie in for a hug and hang on tight for a few seconds. I can feel her tears hitting my bare shoulder and it breaks my heart that I have to leave her. This is a lot harder than what I thought it would be. But, I won’t be called a slut when I’m not one and I’m not going to force a child on any man. I am more than capable of raising a child on my own and they will know more love than what I had growing up. Psycho can kiss my ass if he thinks this changes any-fucking-thing.
“I gotta go sis. I’ll stay in touch and let you know when I get where I’m going. Promise,” I say, completely ignoring the man standing behind me.
“Love you Hadliegh. Please make sure you stay in contact with me,” she says, wiping her tears away as I turn and walk toward my car.
I can hear Psycho calling my name and my steps get quicker to the point that I’m almost running so that he doesn’t catch me. I’m not running from him; I’m giving him what he wants. The freedom to fuck who he wants, when he wants, and not to worry about a baby that he doesn’t even want. Opening my car door, I slam it shut, and start the ignition. Psycho is left standing in a cloud of dust I kick up in my haste of getting away from him. His head is hanging low and his fists are clenched at his sides. He’s pissed but it’s his own fault. Now, I can breakdown as I let the tears flow freely. I continue to drive while my heart shatters into a million little pieces.
Resting my hand on my still flat stomach, I make a silent vow to my unborn child that I’ll never hurt them or make them feel less than. I’ll tell them how proud of them I am and shower them with unconditional love. The things that I didn’t have growing up. I drive until I can’t drive anymore and pull into the first no-tell motel that I come to. Tonight, starts my new life. One that’s empty and filled with sadness.
Psycho
Ever since this morning, I’ve been kicking my own ass. The way I talked to Hadliegh and insinuated that she was nothing more than a common whore was fucked up beyond belief. The thought of having a child immediately sends me into a panic attack. Growing up, Renegade and I had a horrible childhood. Our mom tried to shield us for the most part and ended paying the price because of it. I don’t ever want to be the way that my dad was; beating us for every little thing, breaking bones on the three of us, and just treating us like shit in general. Everything was our fault no matter what happened.
Something was gnawing at me, trying to get me to realize that Hadliegh was telling me something without coming right out and saying with her questions, but I pushed that feeling aside. I flew off the handle and said shit I didn’t mean at all. I know that Hadliegh has only been in my bed. She’s not a slut or anything remotely close to one. She’s a badass and will rip anyone apart for hurting her or someone that she cares about.
This morning I royally fucked up and I know that there’s no way to fix this. So, I go about my day and try to figure out what I’m gonna do to win her back. Someway in the span of first laying eyes on Hadliegh until now she’s made me want more for the first time in my life. I wanted to claim someone as mine and have one woman that will be there when I get home, have my back when I need it, and to stand by my side. At the same time, I’ll be there for her when she wants me to and make her as happy as she can be for the rest of my life.
Instead, I’m spending the day alone when we’re doing the first run with Callie in charge for the Christmas toy drive. I wanted Hadliegh on the back of my bike for it. I’ve never put a bitch on the back of my bike and never thought I would. Hadliegh’s different. I want her on the back of my bike, in my bed, and owning my heart. She already has it in the palm of her hand and now it’s gonna get trampled if I can’t fix it in time.
We’re all outside, getting ready to head out for the run to collect donations of toys and money so that we can keep Silvi
a’s memory alive. I see Hadliegh and Callie talking, and I begin to make my way over to them. They’re talking and I can see that my girl, yes, she is my woman, is upset still. It’s been a few hours and I hate to think that she’s still upset over our fight earlier.
Walking up behind her, I hear Hadliegh tell Callie that she’s pregnant and what I said to her. Callie looks over Hadliegh’s shoulder and gives me the evil eye. I’m stunned and should’ve realized this morning that this is what she was trying to get at. I didn’t just fuck this up between Hadliegh and me, I totally fucking blew this, and I doubt I’ll get her back after this epic fuck-up.
“The fuck Hadliegh?” I say, not being able to contain myself as I learn that I’m going to become a father.
She continues to talk to Callie, completely ignoring me. Before I know it, she’s rushing off and I’m left to trail after her. Hadliegh gets to her car before I can reach her. There’s no chance of me stopping her now unless I run to my bike and follow her. I’ll give her the rest of the day to cool down and then I’ll go to her and make sure she understands how sorry I am and that I want her in my life as more than a fuck buddy. Still, the hurt I feel and the pain I caused her make me lower my head in shame. My mom and Renegade didn’t raise me to act like the asshole I did today.
If I only knew that she wasn’t staying in town or that the events that are about to take place were going to happen, I’d have gone after Hadliegh. She never would have made it out of the clubhouse parking lot in the piece of shit car she bought because it was all she could afford. If I was a better man, she’d have been taken care of from the very beginning by me instead of being held at arm’s length because I didn’t want to have one woman for the rest of my life. Now, there’s a whole new set of problems creeping up that are going to change the lives of the people that I care the most about in this world.
The End
