by Jo Franklin
“I think you may be mistaken,” Gordon said.
“I don’t think so. But it wasn’t on any regular TV channel.”
“Is the TV working now?” I pushed my way between my incredibly annoying sister and my former second-best friend, in case the traitor decided to turn me in to my family.
“Yeah, only now Timmy is watching cartoons and I’ve missed my soaps. Tragic, right?” Jessie flicked her hair away from her face.
“There are probably reruns,” Gordon said.
“I’m not someone who catches up. I have to know what’s happening right now. Get it?” Jessie waved her finger rudely in Gordon’s face. “I’m going upstairs.”
“You have to ask permission to watch TV upstairs.” One of Mom’s rules.
“I know,” she said. “Where are Mom and Dad, anyway?”
“On the doorstep talking to . . . someone,” I said. I was going to say the police, but if it had been them, Mom would have brought them in and given them coffee. I figured Mom and Dad were still trying to reason with the Returners, and I gulped down a huge gob of guilt.
Jessie flounced out, drama-queen style.
“Daniel!” she shouted two seconds later. “Get out here. Quick!”
For once, the panic in her voice sounded real, and as soon as I got into the hallway, I realized why.
The front door was wide open. Mom and Dad were gone.
26
The Weird Case of the Missing Parents
How would you feel if your mom and dad disappeared two minutes after you had slammed the door on a crazed gang of alien abductees?
Those maniacs wanted aliens. I didn’t know what they were going to do when they discovered that Mom and Dad were human, but I knew it would be really bad.
I felt totally sick. I ran out into the street, hoping Mom and Dad were having a chat with Mrs. Fagan next door. I didn’t care if Mrs. Fagan told them I’d been messing with the ladder and had brought down the telephone wire. Anything was better than Mom and Dad being mistaken for aliens by the Returners. But there was no sign of Mom and Dad anywhere.
A muffled cry came from the RV parked opposite. It sounded like Mom’s voice.
“Hey!” I started across the street, but the silver RV with sinister blacked-out windows pulled away and sped off.
“Mom! Dad!” I yelled, but it was too late. The RV turned the corner and disappeared.
At that moment the middle of Beechwood Road was the loneliest place in the universe. Mom and Dad had been kidnapped and it was all my fault.
A VW camper van spluttered into life behind me. Beardie Sweater was at the wheel, Horizontal Myrtle and Patchwork Woman beside him.
I jumped up onto the bumper and slammed my fists against the windshield. “Where are they?”
“Out of the way!” Horizontal Myrtle was leaning out the window. “We are in pursuit. Our so-called leaders have taken the aliens to the rendezvous.”
So the Returners had leaders! They weren’t a random group of nutjobs. They were organized. They had plans. And right now those plans involved two totally innocent humans: Mom and Dad.
“Where are they taking them?”
“To higher ground, nearer the heavens. To be reunited with the superior species.” Horizontal Myrtle pointed a purple fingernail at the stars.
Beardie Sweater thumped the horn again, and the van started moving. I jumped out of the way before I fell off the bumper and he ran me over. The ancient vehicle putt-putted its way down the street and disappeared around the corner.
“Will someone tell me what’s going on?” Jessie demanded, her hands on her hips.
“Mom and Dad have been kidnapped,” I said.
“What?” she shrieked.
“By some abductees who think your parents are aliens,” Gordon said.
Jessie opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Nothing at all. For the first time in Jessie’s life, her Random Mood Generator was on Empty.
“We have to rescue them,” I said.
“Alien abductees?” Jessie’s mouth sprang into action again. “This doesn’t have anything to do with Serena Blake’s gang, does it? They’re called the Re-something. Revisers. No, Returners.”
“You know them?” I said.
“I know her. I told you, she’s the craziest psycho in the whole tenth grade. She is absolutely convinced that she and her family were abducted by aliens last year. She lived in their spaceship for three months and then they let her and her family go. She says it was awesome up there and she wants to go back.”
“Does she have a silver RV?”
“All her relatives live in RVs. They need to be ready in case they get the call from above.” She pointed to the sky.
“I think they got the call,” Gordon said.
“So where have they taken Mom and Dad?” Jessie asked.
“Higher ground.” I shrugged. “They think they’re meeting an alien spaceship.”
“Park Hill Fields,” Gordon said. “That’s the only open space with altitude within a five-mile radius.”
“I’ll get my bike,” I said. “Jess, you’ll have to stay here with Timmy. Gordon and I will go after them.”
“No way,” Jessie said. “I’m not letting you anywhere near Serena Blake on your own. She will stop at nothing to get what she wants.”
I was impressed. I hadn’t realized she cared.
“And anyway, I want Dad back. He’s supposed to be taking me and my friends to a concert next week. I’ll ride Mom’s bike with the child seat for Timmy. Where’s your fat friend?”
“He’s not fat. He just likes potato chips,” I said. “He went home.”
“Call him.” Jessie handed me her cell phone. “We need backup.”
Things were getting weirder by the second. Jessie had never even let me look at her phone before.
Two minutes later, the Rescue Mission Team was ready to go.
Me on my bike, with Gordon perched on the luggage rack. Jessie on Mom’s bike, with Timmy strapped safely in the child seat. He had a Duplo model in his hands.
“He wouldn’t leave it behind,” Jessie explained. “And I don’t want one of his tantrums.”
“Vroom! Vroom!” Timmy said, whooshing his Duplo model through the air like an airplane.
Eddie came zipping up the street on a mini motorbike. It sounded like a wasp in a hair dryer and was so small, his knees were practically around his ears. Probably the only bike his dad had in stock.
“Where are we going?” he asked.
“Park Hill Fields,” I said.
“Follow me!” he said, and buzzed off at full speed.
27
Voulez-vous un rendez-vous?
Park Hill Fields wasn’t far away, but with Gordon on the back of my bike it felt like a million miles. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he’d left his briefcase behind. It weighed a ton. When we arrived, the luggage rack was bent, but all I cared about was Mom and Dad.
Park Hill Fields is exactly what it sounds like—a park on a hill with fields of grass. It’s flat right at the top, where the playground and tennis courts are.
The silver RV was parked right next to the swings. Its lights flashed on and off intermittently.
.- .- .. .. . -. / .- .. -.---.. . ---.. . . . - --- - .. ---. . . / . ---.--- - .. -. -
“Morse code,” Gordon said.
“What’s it say?” I asked.
“‘We’re wack jobs. Come and get us,’” Eddie said.
Gordon squinted at the flashing lights.
“It says, ‘Alien rendezvous point,’” he said.
“Mom and Dad aren’t aliens,” Jessie said.
“Unfortunately, the Returners don’t know that,” I mumbled.
A stream of campers and mobile homes clogged the road leading to the top of the hill. Crowds of strange figures swarmed across the grass.
A lot of the Returners were wearing hippie outfits like Beardie Sweater’s and his friends’, but some had taken much more trouble with thei
r costumes.
One group were dressed in black with yellow sashes across their chests. They marched up the hill in an arrow formation.
Another group were dressed as characters from Star Trek.
“That’s Spock.” Eddie pointed to a guy wearing plastic pointed ears and drawn-on Vulcan eyebrows.
“It’s Mr. Pitdown,” Gordon said.
Sure enough, Mr. Pitdown was dressed as Mr. Spock. Spock with a mustache.
“Jerk!” Eddie and I said together, tugging at our invisible mustaches.
“How did you”—Jessie pointed at us—“get involved with them?” She pointed at the Returners.
“It was a mistake,” I said.
“Where’s Mommy?” Timmy’s voice wobbled as if he was about to cry.
The enormity of what I’d done sat like a huge boulder in front of me. Mom and Dad were now held prisoner, surrounded by a mass of deluded wackos.
They were deluded, weren’t they? Demented, mixed up, confused, crazy?
The Returners hadn’t really been taken by aliens, had they?
And I guess that was when a question started forming in my own mind. Am I really an alien?
“I want Mommy.” Timmy put his thumb in his mouth.
Poor Timmy! I reached out to hug him, but Jessie got there first and pulled him out of the child seat. Two big Timmy tears plopped onto her shoulder as she rocked him. He was only a little kid. He needed his mom.
So did I.
28
Distraction Technique
“Look. Something’s happening,” Eddie said.
A procession with flaming torches marched across the hilltop and circled the playground. The words burned alive came into my mind. I didn’t want to say them aloud in front of Timmy, but the human best-friend telepathy must have been strong in the air that night. Without a word, we all dumped our bikes in the bushes and ran up the hill. Jessie had to carry Timmy, whose legs were too short for speed.
We didn’t need to hide or sneak around. No one was interested in us. Every other person on that hillside was looking upward.
The Returners had stuck the flaming torches in the ground at the top of the hill. Around the torches, a ring of Returners held hands and stared into the sky. We stopped by the tennis courts to catch our breath.
A powerful searchlight swept across the night sky. “Searching for the alien spaceship,” I muttered.
“Where do you think Mom and Dad are?” Jessie whispered so Timmy wouldn’t hear.
“There!” I pointed. A gang of Returners in silver suits dragged Mom and Dad out of the RV and through the crowd to the circle of torches. Their hands were tied, and they were gagged.
“What are they going to do to them?” I squeaked, my throat twisted in a hideous panic.
“Nothing, if I can help it! That’s Serena Blake!” Jessie pointed at a girl with short black hair. “She’s not messing with my family.” She surged forward.
“Wait!” Eddie grabbed her arm. “There’s too many of them.” More and more Returners were joining the gathering, forming new, bigger circles, until a vast crowd surrounded the hilltop.
“We have to do something,” Jessie said.
“We should give them what they want,” Gordon said.
“What’s that?” Jessie asked
“Dan,” Gordon said. “He’s the alien.”
“He isn’t an alien,” Jessie said.
“He is,” Gordon said. “He wants to go back to Kepler 22b.”
“Shut up, Gordon! Just shut up!” I shoved him in the chest and he fell backward. “Don’t say another word.”
The whole Kepler 22b thing seemed totally stupid and embarrassing now. I didn’t want to go there anymore. I wasn’t a wack job like the Returners, and I wasn’t an alien, either. I wanted to stay here on Earth with my family and my friends, Eddie and . . .
Gordon looked up at me. His eyes swam with tears.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I thought you wanted to go back to your family on Kepler 22b.”
“I’ve changed my mind, okay?”
Gordon’s shoulders heaved, and big tears rolled down his cheeks.
And suddenly I realized he’d been telling the truth. Eddie hadn’t believed I was an alien. He’d just come along for laughs. But Gordon had taken me seriously. He’d totally believed that I was from Kepler 22b and had done everything possible to help me get back there.
But I wasn’t an alien, and the Returners had never been abducted by the superior species. In fact, there was no freakin’ superior species. I wasn’t even sure Kepler 22b existed. My crazy mission had put Mom and Dad in danger, and I had just been really mean to my second-best friend, who was only trying to help me. Gordon was stuck on the ground like a beetle on his back.
I was the most horrible kid on Earth. No wonder I didn’t have many friends.
Returners were still arriving. Nothing else was happening.
“Don’t be ridiculous. You aren’t an alien,” Jessie said. “I was there when you were born. In Mom and Dad’s bedroom. Mom had you in the middle of the night. You might be weird, but you’re definitely human.”
“You said I was an alien. At breakfast that day.” My voice sounded like it belonged to someone else. “And there are no photos of me as a baby in Mom’s album.”
“Yeah, I know,” Jessie said. “Her camera was broken when you were born. I know because I broke it. And she didn’t get a new one for ages. I was just messing with you.”
“And I found a newspaper clipping about a meteor. Something came to Earth from outer space on the day I was born.”
“Oh yeah? Coincidence. It wasn’t you. You’re definitely a Kendal. You have the Kendal tombstone tooth, don’t you?” She pulled down her lower lip. One tooth on the bottom row stuck out in front of the others.
I pulled down my lower lip and rubbed my fingers over my teeth.
“That’s heredity,” Jessie said. “Genetics. DNA. You’re my brother. A Kendal. A human. Weird, but human.”
I nodded and turned away. I felt like my tear ducts might start leaking. Jessie was my sister. Timmy was my brother. And Mom and Dad were . . . in danger!
“We have to save them,” I said. “I’m going to give myself up.”
“No way. I’m the oldest, and right now I’m responsible for all of you,” Jessie said.
“It isn’t Dan they want, anyway,” Eddie said. “They want an alien spaceship. They’re looking for one now.” He pointed to the searchlight in the sky.
Eddie might be a potato-chip addict, but today he was a genius as well.
“Great!” Jessie said. “Where are we going to get one of those on a Wednesday night?”
“I might be able to help you with that.” Gordon rocked himself from side to side as he tried to get up.
I held out my hand to help him.
As you know, Gordon doesn’t do touching. But this time he grabbed my hand and hauled himself upright.
“Sorry, Gordon. Sorry I pushed you. Sorry for everything,” I said.
“Thanks, Dan,” he said, and he shook my hand politely. When he let go, he didn’t reach for his disinfectant spray.
I didn’t know why he stuck by me when I was such a useless friend. I hadn’t even written a message by his picture on the Wall of Wonders at school. I could have written Genius!!! or something. But his photo came down without a single comment.
Gordon had supplied the Cryogenics Practitioner’s Secret Ingredient.
Gordon had suggested the candy-store moneymaking scheme.
Gordon had built the Supreme Communications Device.
And now Gordon was offering to supply an alien spacecraft to distract the Returners. He was a genius and a true friend.
“What do you need?” I asked.
29
The Alien Mother Ship
“I need a camera, a laptop, a projector, and something that looks like an alien spaceship,” Gordon said.
“Get real!” Jessie said.
But she di
dn’t know Gordon the Geek the way Eddie and I did.
“You have the laptop, right?” I said.
Gordon nodded.
“Can we use the camera on your phone?” I asked Jessie.
She thrust the phone into Gordon’s hand. “Try not to break it.”
Gordon selected the thin-crust laptop from the collection in his briefcase and pulled out miles of cable. No wonder he’d bent the luggage rack on my bike. He was carrying a complete set of IT-specialist’s gear.
“What’s the plan, Gordon?” I asked.
“If I connect the camera and the laptop and then run a cable into the back of the searchlight,” Gordon said calmly, “I hope to be able to project the image of a spacecraft into the sky. We just have to take a picture of something that looks kind of like a spaceship.”
Timmy held up his Duplo model. “Vroom, vroom,” he said.
“Timmy, you’re a genius too,” I said. “If you make a spaceship, Gordon can do a magic trick with it.”
Eddie and I left Gordon in charge of the techie stuff while Jessie and Timmy built an alien spaceship out of Duplo bricks for him to photograph.
The searchlight was a huge industrial-size thing that the Returners had transported here by hitching it to the back of a van. It was mounted on a tripod and operated by a crew member from Star Trek. He sat holding the two huge handles and swept the beam of light across the sky and back again. Every time he changed direction, the crowd hummed expectantly, but there was no spaceship in the sky and they were getting restless. We didn’t have much time.
A ladder with a zillion steps led to the top of the tripod.
“We have to get that guy down,” Eddie said.
Eddie knew how I felt about ladders, so he chose my moment of weakness to needle me.
“I don’t know why you thought you were an alien in the first place,” he said.
“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” I said.
