I don’t want to stop, but I hear some people down the far end of the hallway. He quickly steps away. I giggle and am thankful the hallway is not very bright. I can barely see them, so I hope they can’t see us.
“Can we go inside?” he whispers into my ear, sending my hormones into overdrive.
“I want to, but my roommate has friends over tonight.” It’s not the best night for this, no matter how much I want it. “I thought you needed to work tomorrow?” I smirk.
“I do, but that kiss is encouraging me to stay. I want to see you again. When or where can we pick this back up?” he says as his hands run up my legs, almost under my dress. “What I wouldn’t give to have your body under mine right now.” At this point, he has me pinned against my apartment door.
This is so unlike me to do be like this. But no one has ever made my hormones erupt like this before. I want him to jump me right here in the hallway. I want to lick him like a lollipop. Is that wrong?
I peek down the hall, and the other couple is still there. I need to control myself. I push him away gently, so as not to make a scene. “I only have orientation this week. What’s your schedule like at the hospital?” I ask as I lean my head against the door.
“I’m scheduled to work the next two days, but I’m free on Thursday night. Want to come to my place? I don’t have a roommate.” He smiles with a wink.
I hesitate so I don’t seem too eager. “I think I can. Why don’t you call me and let me know what time and where you live?”
In exchange for my phone number, he gives me one more demanding kiss that tempts me to pull him into the apartment. He turns around and walks away without saying another word. He didn’t have to after a kiss like that. I think my dreams will be X-rated tonight. I can’t wait to fall asleep and for Thursday night.
I walk into my apartment, close the door, and lean on the back of it. I’m overthinking every little thing. I need to enjoy this reaction to him. I’m curious where this will go.
Emily and her three friends are sitting on the couch, watching me. She walks over, her clan following. “I think someone had a successful date. I’m glad I lent you that dress. How did it go?” she asks. Her friends, whom I have only met once, have big grins on their faces.
I giggle. “It went really well. I never had a date like that. He was quite open about how attractive he thinks I am. I’m not sure about anything else. There were a lot of red flags. The conversation flowed just fine, but it was very casual. I guess that’s to be expected on a first date.” I shrug and hang my handbag over a kitchen chair.
“I can’t ignore how attracted I am to him. We were all over each other in front of our apartment door. He is twenty-seven years old. I have never been with anyone so much older than me. It’s a little intimidating. I’m sure he has more experience.”
“We heard you outside. We all took turns peeking through the peephole and saw what was going on. He’s definitely cute and a good kisser.”
I slap her on the arm. “You did not?” My eyes question all of them. How humiliating.
I walk over to the cabinet to get a glass. I’m so thirsty after all those yummy kisses, or was it the nachos?
“When will you see him again?” Emily says.
“On Thursday night. He asked me to go to his place for dinner. It makes me a bit nervous.” I retrieve the Brita from the refrigerator and fill a glass.
“Why does it make you nervous? Then again, everything makes you nervous. Just go and have some fun, and maybe you’ll get lucky. You need it bad.”
Is it that obvious?
“Don’t overthink what happened tonight. We’ve been living together for a little while, but I see how you analyze everything and everyone. I’m sure you analyze lint on the couch pillows.” She laughs. “Just go with the flow and see where the flow takes you.”
Easy for her to say when she doesn’t know my mental and physical issues. No one does, except for my dad, stepmother, sister and therapist.
After some silence, I say, “Okay. You’re right. I’m just going to have fun and take it from here. We can enjoy each other’s company for the time being, until real life starts again next week. A late-summer fling.”
I drink a big gulp of water. “I need to go to bed. It’s been a long day. Thanks for your help. Have a good night, everyone.” I walk to my bedroom. I close the door and immediately kick off her horrible shoes. How do women wear these things all day long? I was lucky I could even stand with him in front of the door after we walked from the bar. My feet are covered in stinging blisters.
The bed calls to me. As I grab my pajamas, I notice the leather jacket on the back of my chair. I run my fingers over it. Is it time to put it away? It has been my security blanket since the car accident, years ago. I wear this jacket when I’m sad, stressed, or need to feel safe. It’s the only thing I have from the guy who helped me and my mom. I’ll never get rid of it, but maybe I’ll put it away for a while.
I always thought the guy with the mysterious green eyes would pop into my life again. After tonight, it’s time to wake up from that fantasy. The past is long gone. Maybe Bryant is the one I’ve been waiting for. I walk over to the small closet and hang the jacket far to the left, out of sight. I hope I won’t need it anytime soon.
Chapter 5
Lisa
There is no damn coffee in any of the kitchen cabinets. I slam the last one shut. This is not a good way to start the day, especially when I have an important reproduction exam today. Definitely not my favorite subject. I slump over the counter. My brain is like oatmeal without my first cup of joe. I can’t even remember what I was thinking about two minutes ago. I tap my fingers on the countertop. It had to do with the male anatomy. Oh, that’s right. Bryant!
Bryant and I have been together for over a year—a record for me. Sadly, with his hospital schedule and my large amount of schoolwork, we don’t see each other often. We want a relationship, but my studying and his residency come first. Sometimes it’s only once a week for a couple of hours. It always seems like we fill our time together with incredible sex. Not that I’m complaining.
I want to believe I’m in love with him. I finally feel free from my past. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t ask too many questions. We don’t talk about the future and don’t see each other enough to have many serious conversations. I sense we don’t want to make it too serious. But how much more serious can we get when we are having sex all the time and have been doing it for over a year now? I want to believe it’s something more.
I shuffle through the refrigerator and find a can of Diet Coke. It’s better than nothing. I usually don’t drink soda for breakfast, but I’m too lazy to walk to Mocha Bean Café for a latte macchiato.
Even with all the stress, we balance each other. We understand each other’s responsibilities and pressures. Our stress relief is each other. Whether it’s on the kitchen floor, bedroom, or in the car, we always find time for sex. We can’t get enough. However, we don’t go on dates or visit family much. He met my sister once, but not my dad. I saw his parents and sister a couple of times. They didn’t seem too impressed with me.
Does he want something long term? Is he someone I can see spending my future with? Neither of us has said “I love you.” I still haven’t told him about my past. I know I should approach the subject, but I don’t want to ruin what we have. The longer I wait, the worse it will be. I’m terrified he’ll walk away from me, either from the pressure of just talking about the future or because I can’t give him what he wants.
I need to talk to him soon. If my heart is going to be broken, I want it done now, not later. This is the first time I will tell a guy about the car accident in detail or that I love him.
I tap a pen on my notebook. Come on, Tina. Pick up the phone.
“Tina Schmitt.”
“Hey, Tina, it’s Lisa.”
“Hi, what’s up? I haven’t heard from you in over a week. School getting to you?”
“Yes, I’m studying like
hell for exams as we speak. My schoolbooks and notes surround me on the sofa. But I don’t want to talk about that right now. I need your advice.”
“Sure. Hopefully, I can help you. If it’s about men, can’t help you there. I’m still going through a dry spell.”
I take the heavy books off my lap and put them on the coffee table. “I’m going to talk to Bryant about our future. I want to tell him I love him.”
I hear her sigh. “Do you really love him, Lisa? Are you in love with him or just love him? You hardly see each other and seem to only have sex when you are together. I know there’s more to your relationship than sex, but still. I hope you don’t think it’s more than it appears.”
I hug my knees. “I know. I understand what you’re saying. You know me. I have never been with a guy like this or this long. I’m always running in the other direction. Maybe he’s the one I don’t have to run from.”
“Well, if you’re going to tell him you love him, then you need to tell him all of the details about the car accident and what happened to you. You haven’t been completely honest with him.
“I know. You’re right. He asked what happened when he saw the scar. I told him I had an accident. But, the conversation didn’t go any further.”
The first time we had sex, he was pretty surprised he was my first. When we both knew we were clean, I told him I went on the pill. A little white lie. I didn’t think we would last as long as we have. I wasn’t thinking about future consequences.
“I wish you wouldn’t live like this. You don’t fully open up to anyone. You’re going to school to become a psychiatrist and have gone through so much therapy of your own. Haven’t you learned people will love you no matter what? If they don’t, then you don’t need them.”
I lean my head back against the sofa. “I’m broken. Who wants someone who’s broken? If, and I say if, I think Bryant is the one to finally tell my secrets, I’ll tell him everything.”
“You act like you have a disease. I don’t want to see you get hurt and then pull yourself away from the world again. Make sure you know what you are doing.”
“I know. Neither do I.”
“I have to get back to work. Let me know how it goes. Love you.”
“Thanks for listening. I don’t know what I would do without you. Talk to you soon.” I turn off the phone and put it on my books.
I search through my handbag for my wallet. I pull out a folded picture of me and Mom at my middle school graduation. I miss her so much. Tina is my best friend and my only sister, but she isn’t my
mom, even though she acts like she is most of the time. No one could ever take Mom’s place. I need her more than ever right now.
Bryant is coming over tonight for dinner. He has the night off. We can finally see each other for more than an hour. Emily is spending the night at her boyfriend’s apartment. She’s hardly ever here anymore. I have a feeling she will move in with him eventually.
He knocks on the door as he walks into the apartment. He knows I’m alone, so he doesn’t care, and neither do I. I run to him and give him a big kiss. Which turns into us ripping each other’s clothes off before we can even get to the bedroom.
I don’t even know how long we have been in bed. We lie on our sides, facing each other. “I have something to confess,” I say hesitantly.
His jawline stiffens.
“Remember how I told you my mom died in a car accident?”
He nods.
“I was in the car with her and obviously survived.”
His eyes widen. “I’m sorry, Lisa. Nobody deserves to experience something like that,” he says as he rubs my arm. “Why haven’t you told me this?”
Maybe it won’t be so hard to tell him.
I put my finger over his mouth to make him quiet. “I have more to tell you.”
His eyebrows rise.
“I survived, but not without severe injuries. The scar on my abdomen is from the car accident. My seat belt dug into my lower abdomen when our car hit a tree. Due to the pressure of my seat belt, it severely damaged my left ovary. It had to be removed. Thankfully, the other ovary is fine.” I need to take a breath because tears pool in my eyes. It’s hard to talk about this. I don’t look at him because I’m afraid of how he will react.
“Not just my ovary was damaged. My uterus ruptured on the same side, but the surgeon was able to repair it and stop the bleeding. Still, I was told it will never function properly due to the large amount of scar tissue. It wasn’t necessary to remove my uterus, but I was told I’ll never be able to have children.
“Because of the car accident, my mother’s death, and that I can’t have children, that’s why I’d like to be a psychiatrist. I’ve been through a lot of therapy to deal with my issues. I would like to help others like I was helped.”
He slides out of the bed. He remains quiet while he pulls up his jeans. He turns toward me. “Why haven’t you told me this before? We’ve been together for a while now. You’ve basically lied to me all this time. You were never on the pill, were you?”
“No, I never was. I was afraid you wouldn’t want to be with me if you knew I couldn’t have children. It wasn’t to hurt you.”
“Did I ever say to you I want to have children or even to get married any time soon? I can’t even think about that shit right now. My focus is on my residency. That’s what comes first,” he spits out.
Ouch.
“But you are a pediatrician, love being around children, and told me your parents are constantly saying they want grandchildren. I’m in love with you, Bryant, but I’ll never be able to have your children. I’m broken.” I barely realize tears are trickling down my face.
After a few minutes, he lies down next to me again. He pulls me in his arms and wipes my tears away.
“I’m mad you didn’t tell me the truth, but I understand why. I love you, Lisa, but I’m not thinking about marriage or having children in the near future. I can’t give you more than what we have right now. I thought it was enough for you. We’re always busy, but we understand one another and have amazing sex,” he says with a smile that is not necessary at the moment.
I sit up in bed with a sheet over me. “I told you I love you. I didn’t ask for a marriage proposal!”
He flips onto his back and lets out a long breath. “I’m sorry. That didn’t come out right. I’m happy you told me. It’s just that I can’t think further than tomorrow. We know what our priorities are. That’s what I love about our relationship and why we have been together for so long. We don’t let it get in the way of our goals.”
All I can do is sit here and stare at him. Is this the reaction I was hoping to receive from him? Did I expect him to be more compassionate, angry, disgusted? I’m lost.
“Why do you feel broken? There are always other options, like adoption, surrogate mother…” He says it like it’s so easy and no big deal. Almost as if I’m buying a watermelon at the grocery store. He’s a man. How could he even comprehend this?
I stand up and put on my pajamas with force. “You make it sound like it’s so easy. You are not a woman, so you can’t possibly understand. Well, I wouldn’t do any of those things. I feel this happened to me for a reason. I have no idea what that reason is, but I’ve been asking myself ever since I was fifteen. I’m not meant to have children.”
He waves his hand in the air. “Whatever. Again, I can’t think about these things right now. It’s so far from my mind. Let’s not put pressure on ourselves.”
He says he loves me. But does he really? He doesn’t think of his future with me? Ever? If he was in love with me, wouldn’t that thought come into his head sometimes?
He gets out of the bed and reaches for me. “Let’s just enjoy having time alone and the apartment to ourselves.” He kisses my forehead. “Thanks for opening up to me. It had to have been hard. Let’s make dinner. I’m starving.”
And just like that, he acts like we never discussed my issue. I feel relieved I told him, but his response was
n’t what I’d hoped. Are the red flags waving around again? Does he even want a future with me? Or should I ask myself, do I really want a future with him?
Chapter 6
James
My thirty-minute break starts now. I take a cafeteria tray and slide it over to the coffee machines. I pour a hot coffee and place an everything bagel with cream cheese on my tray. I pay and search for an empty table. I can’t wait to sit for a little while. My feet and legs are tired. Jessica said she’ll try to meet me here if it’s slow in the pediatric ward.
Jessica and I have been inseparable for the past two years. I’m going into my third and final year of residency, and she has finished hers and received her medical license. She can finally make more money. Even though we’ve had a rough time with our residencies, we’ve been supporting each other. Any free time we have, we spend it together. We don’t fight like other couples. Our friends and families think we are ridiculous because we are constantly touching and kissing.
Every time I see her, it feels like weeks since the last time, even when it’s only been a couple of hours or days. I need her like I need water. She is my addiction. How did I handle life without her? I never want to know the answer to that question.
Our schedules don’t match up often, but when they do, we spend time with our families. My parents have told me numerous times how much they love Jessica and think we’re a perfect match. Both sets of our parents get along—they even get together once in a while without us. My parents stay over at Alexa’s sometimes, to make it easier for us to all meet up. Jessica loves Alexa. They act like sisters.
I sip my coffee but almost spit it back into the cup. It’s boiling hot. That just woke me up more than the actual coffee itself.
Now that Jessica has her New York State medical license, she can look elsewhere for a job. She still works at the university hospital, but she wants to keep her options open. We talk about getting married when my residency is over. But I don’t think I can wait much longer. I know it’s too soon since I’m not finished yet, but I want to at least ask her to marry me. I know in my heart it’s time. When it’s right, it’s right.
Lives Collide (Collide #1) Page 5
