James gazes at me with such intensity. “Lisa, I never thought I could or would open my heart to someone after what happened. It scares me to death, but at the same time it feels so good and completely right. Most of all, you give me the strength to move forward.” As if my heart is whispering to his, I grab his face and kiss him with all I have.
Within seconds we become even more intense than we were last night. He lifts me up to connect us one more time. We move in sync as he trails kisses down my neck and chest. I let my head fall back so he has better access. He gently loosens my hair from its bun so it drapes down my back.
His hands roam over the most sensitive parts of my body, leaving me breathless. He pulls me closer in a way that pushes us over the edge. We remain in this position, waiting for our bodies to calm down.
We lie in bed for a while, dozing off and on. This is the best thing I have ever had. I don’t know how I will ever go back to the person I was yesterday. Not even one day with him like this, and I’m already in too deep. Didn’t I promise myself I would never give my heart to someone else? That promise has been shattered to pieces.
Chapter 33
James
We lie in bed, twisted in her sheets like a cocoon. “What time do you have to work today?”
“I start at two p.m. I wish I had the day off. I would rather spend the day together…naked. I’d like to ask you more questions,” she says as she showers me with little kisses.
“I don’t want to leave you, but it’s almost one. Which means you need to get ready soon. What’s your schedule like the next few weeks?”
“The rest of October is pretty bad. After then, I’ll work Monday to Friday every week and then one weekend during the month. I like it that way much better. The holidays are coming up quickly. Hopefully, I’ll have at least Thanksgiving or Christmas off. My mom always made those two days special for us. Tina and I have tried to keep up the tradition, even with our stepmother, Beth.” She waves her hand in the air. “Whatever. Christmas is far away. I can’t think so far ahead.”
“I know work will fill most of your hours, but I hope we can find time to spend together. I’m not sure how long I can wait until I see you again.” I squeeze her against me.
“I know. Even before last night, I always wanted to see you. Now I’ll miss you as soon as you walk out that door,” she says with glowing cheeks.
She puts her robe on and tugs me out of bed. “Come take a shower with me. A real shower. I don’t have time to be frisky anymore. So behave yourself. If you don’t think you can behave, then you stay right there in bed.”
“Then I’m staying here. You have woken up my body, so it’s your fault I can’t keep my hands off you.”
She rolls her eyes. “Okay, sex machine.”
“I didn’t hear you complain a few minutes ago.”
She looks over her shoulder. “You’re one to talk.” She drops her robe and throws it at me.
“You are such a tease, woman!” My woman.
“Control your hormones. I’ll be out in a few minutes. You can stay here until I need to go to the hospital. You can walk me there if you’d like. If you think you can handle it.” She closes the bathroom door.
My hormones are controlled now. I fall back onto the bed. I haven’t been near the hospital since Jessica and Jacob died. I’m not sure I can face it yet. My old boss calls me now and then to see how I’m moving along. He assures me I have a job if I want to go back. I just don’t know if I can, even though I miss working in the hospital. It’s been over a year. How long will my boss be willing to wait? I’m sure not much longer. I need to stop hiding.
She comes out of the steamy bathroom with wet hair and no makeup.
I stand up from the bed and watch her. “You are so beautiful. You don’t need any makeup. Your eyes light up your face.”
“That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.” She pecks me on the lips and quickly jumps away as I try to grab her. “Go take a cold shower, or I’ll be late for work.” She taps me on the butt and points to the bathroom.
“Okay. You win. It won’t be so easy next time. By the way, I’ll walk you to the hospital. I’m not sure how I’ll react when I get there, but it’s worth a try. It’ll be the first time since they died.”
“Let’s do it together. I know it’s a big step for you. Always come to me when you need me.”
She closes her apartment door and locks it. “Let’s go.”
I concentrate on this moment, not on my past here. Even though I still want to leave as fast as possible. When I’m in her apartment, I don’t think about where I am. Outside her apartment is a different story. As if she gets it, she grabs my hand and pulls me away from the building. She’s so patient and understanding without even saying anything. She knows what it’s like to lose someone she loves.
We hold hands as we walk down the busy street. It feels natural and comforting. Everything appears familiar but different because I’m different. I can breathe again. That evil dread is missing this morning. Lisa is the reason. Well, amazing sex can do it too. I smile to myself.
“Why are you smiling like that? I hope it’s because of me.”
It comes out as a joke but with a touch of insecurity. I can’t read her mind, but with her twitchy voice, maybe she wonders if I’m thinking of Jessica and not her.
“I was replaying our incredible night and morning in my mind. Wishing we could do it again.” I stop and pull her to me. I kiss her senseless so she understands how amazing it was to me.
“Kisses like that make me weak in the knees. Will I be getting more of those?”
“I will give you more than kisses. I hope your schedule will allow for that soon.” I rub my nose against hers.
“I told you it’s horrible for the rest of the month. Maybe we can start running together. Even though I’ll be tired, I’ll need it. We can see who can run the fastest or longest.”
“Sounds like a plan. If I’m the fastest, do I get something special?”
“You sure will. I’ll make you smile for days.” She hauls me to her by the shirt and grabs my butt.
“Now I really look forward to it.”
Without noticing, we’re now in front of the hospital, not too far from the emergency room entrance. I freeze and just stare. My heart pounds in my ears, and I start to sweat.
“James, breathe through it.” She encourages me. “Your reaction is completely normal. I still have problems when I’m driven near the site of my accident. You need to face it to move on. I know I sound like the psychiatrist side of me, but it’s what I’ve learned. I understand from both sides of the spectrum. It will take time.”
“I know. If you were anyone else, they wouldn’t understand like you do.” I hug her and say, “You need to get to work. Don’t worry about me. I promise I’ll consider your advice. Call me soon. You know where to find me.”
Our hands drift apart. “Thanks for last night. It’s going in my book of favorite experiences. Maybe even the top favorite,” she says as she steps away from me.
She waves one last time before she enters the hospital. I’ve been blessed with her, but I hope I don’t ruin her or what we have. I turn around without looking back. Maybe next time I’m near the hospital, I can walk inside. Wishful thinking, James.
Chapter 34
Lisa
It’s the end of October, deep in the middle of autumn. The leaves are bright and colorful. I’m almost done with my horrible work schedule. Time with James has been limited, but we take advantage of my free time and make the best of it. He has plenty of free time still. We have been very strict with running together. I like the challenge of keeping up with him. I’m on my way to meet him at the park again.
We haven’t spoken about how he is doing. Our time together is more enjoyable when we think in the present. I don’t press him for information. Maybe I can approach it during our run today.
I walk through the gates of the park and scan for some sign of him. I jump whe
n someone puts his arms around my waist. I know it’s James, because he always kisses my neck. He can’t resist it when my hair is up. I turn around and am blown away by how sexy he looks. Again. He is wearing his old Mets cap backward, with a little scruff. His eyes glow bright green.
“I’ll never get tired of looking at you. How can you look so damn sexy all of the time?” I hug him tightly, wishing I could stay there forever. “The first time we met at this park, you poured water over your head because you were sweating. I found it so incredibly hot. Maybe you can reenact that for me.” I put my hand up. “No. Forget I said that. I might have to jump your bones, and we don’t have much time.”
“I’d rather you jump my bones, but we’re in a public place. I’ll behave.” He pats me on the butt.
We run at a good pace for a while. I want to ask him some questions, but I’m afraid he will get defensive. We’re always honest with each other, so I shouldn’t worry.
“James, can I ask you a question?” I ask through rapid breaths.
“Sure, if you don’t mind me breathing heavily while I answer it.”
“Have you thought about what you want to do? Do you consider going back to the hospital? You can’t keep going on like this.”
He stops abruptly, and people swerve around us. “Going on like what?” His eyes are dark-green slits, warning me.
“You’re in limbo. You told me you hope to figure out what you want to do. Have you come up with any ideas or answers?” I try to catch my breath. “Let’s move out of the way so people can pass us.”
He wipes his forehead with his arm. “There is one option. I had a discussion with my dad. He owns a big real estate agency in New Jersey, which focuses on luxury houses and apartments. I can train for a license to become a real estate agent.” He looks toward the ground.
“Is that what you really want? You worked so hard to become a doctor. I would hate to see you walk away from it forever. You can always go and work for a pharmaceutical company, like Alexa, where you can still utilize your medical background.” His head is still down. “Can you please look at me?”
He finally raises his head. His face is like stone. “Please don’t push me. I think about my future every damn day, wondering what the hell I’m going to do. I have no fucking clue. That’s why I spoke to my dad. He understands and encourages me to do it if that’s what I want. Is it what I really want? Probably not. But I need to get out of Alexa’s apartment and get back on my own two feet. I need a job and money.” His eyes are full of pain.
“I’m not trying to upset you. We always talk about me and my issues, but we hardly ever talk about you. We should both be open and honest with each other. That’s what girlfriends and boyfriends do.”
He smiles. “Boyfriend, huh? I like the way that sounds. Do you want me to be your boyfriend? Or do you mean sex toy?”
I stifle a laugh. Discussion over, I guess. At least for now.
“I consider you both of those things. Is that okay? We never discuss what we are to each other. As far as I’m concerned, I want you to myself. I become insanely jealous when another woman looks at you.” I’m admitting too much. I feel my cheeks heat up, and I can’t look at him.
He tips my chin up with his finger. “My thoughts completely. You are my girlfriend. I never thought I would say those words again. I’m proud to say it. Should I say it out loud so everyone can hear it?”
I shake my head. “Don’t you dare, James!” I pull on his arms. “Don’t embarrass me.”
He steps back, points at me, and shouts, “Hello, everyone. This is Lisa, my beautiful Jersey girl, and I couldn’t be happier. She’s saved me in so many ways she will never know.” Some people walk by clapping their hands, while others look at him like he’s losing his mind.
I put my hands over my face and laugh. “You’re crazy! Let’s go.”
“That I am…crazy about you.” Now his eyes are bright green again. I am falling so deep. I am terrified.
Chapter 35
James
I drop my head on a book about New Jersey real estate law. I hoped sitting in a café would perk me up. This is a painful read.
I’ve begun training to receive a real estate license for New Jersey and New York. All I can say about this training is…boring! I don’t know how my dad has done this for so many years. He is successful and enjoys it. Good for him. I’m going through the process with little interest. Lisa supports me, but I have the feeling she disagrees with my choice. She doesn’t pressure me, and I love that about her.
Sometimes I think I can go back to the hospital, but then I have a bad dream, and that feeling goes away. My dreams replay the moment I find Jessica on the floor. One night I had the same dream, but instead of Jessica lying there, it was Lisa.
I still miss Jessica and will always love her. In my dreams, she comes to me and talks to me like she would if she were alive. She wears the same summer pastel-purple dress she was buried in, and holds Jacob against her chest. When I reach for them, they dissolve into a misty cloud.
At least I don’t wake up in a panic anymore. Well, I don’t when Lisa is lying next to me.
Little by little, Lisa is taking Jessica’s place. What if something happens to Lisa too? I couldn’t live through it again. It makes my stomach turn just thinking about it.
I flip through the next pages, hoping for something to catch my attention. The only interesting thing in this café is the smell of coffee beans and the sound of frothing milk. I slam the book shut and gather my things. I need a breather.
How could something happen to Lisa? Why would we finally meet if we’ll only end up apart? We’re connected in ways most people will never be with another person.
I dispose of my coffee cup and walk out into the cold wind and rain. I open my umbrella.
Do we both want a future together? We don’t talk about. We live in the current day, never tomorrow. Since she’s so busy with her schedule, and I’m obtaining my license, it helps us have our space. During the time we’re apart, I can think about what I want for my future. In the end, I know what I want. I want Lisa. She makes me whole again. I’m a better person when I’m with her.
I proceed down the sidewalk toward my apartment. The store windows are loaded with Thanksgiving decorations. I find myself in front of a jewelry store with a huge display of engagement rings. Do I want to marry Lisa? I had the chance to marry Jessica, but I insisted we wait until after Jacob was born. I regret I never married her. I regret not being more flexible. I regret a lot of things.
I lost Jacob before he was even born. Lisa can’t have children. I don’t care, but is it because I accept her for who she is or because I’m a coward? I’ve always wanted a family, but maybe God has another plan for me.
Lisa feels broken, and so do I. I’m broken because I’m afraid to lose her. I’ll always have the fear of loss and death on my shoulder. Sometimes I become distant because these thoughts circulate through my mind when I’m with her. I see how much she already means to me and how devastated I would be if she was taken away from me. Armor still surrounds my heart. Little pieces are missing, but it’s still protecting me. Will I ever be able to open it so my heart can beat freely again?
Thanksgiving is tomorrow. We are spending Thanksgiving Day and that night at her dad’s house. It’s the first holiday we’ll spend together, and I’ll meet her dad and stepmother. On Friday, we plan to visit my parents and then head back home on Friday night. It’s convenient our families live near each other.
I’m nervous to meet her family, but I don’t know why. Lisa gives me no reason to be nervous. She keeps saying how excited she is for the next couple of days. She talks about her family more as we spend more time together. She’s close to Tina, but she doesn’t talk about her dad much. The first time I met Lisa, I would describe her as mellow and shy. Now she’s more outgoing and animated. She’s patient, soft-spoken, and caring. When she describes the way she was before she met me, it’s hard to believe she is the same person.
I remember Tina saying something similar on Lisa’s birthday.
I see my apartment building in the distance as I pass Cloud Nine on the left.
My parents visit us frequently at Alexa’s apartment. I still don’t feel comfortable saying it’s my apartment. We have a great time with them. Lisa and Alexa get along well. I get the feeling if they met at another time, without me in the picture, they still would have become good friends.
The one thing I’m worried about is taking Lisa to my parents’ house on Friday. I have memories with Jessica there. I don’t want to get nervous or sad. Especially not in front of Lisa. Months ago, I asked Mom to remove all items in the house that would remind me of Jessica or Jacob. I hope she listened.
Chapter 36
Lisa
“Wake up, sleepyhead,” I whisper in his ear as I shake his arm lightly. “Happy Thanksgiving!”
He rolls over toward me and opens his sleepy eyes. I give him a sweet kiss as he maneuvers me on top of him. “I’m cold,” I say as I shimmy the comforter over us. He holds me tightly as I melt against him with my head resting on his warm chest. His heartbeat is slow and rhythmic.
“I like waking up next to you.” He kisses my head. “You give me a sense of peace that stays with me. How are you always so cheerful when you wake up in the morning?”
“I was never a morning person. Coffee was about the only thing I interacted with during the first hour after I woke up. I’ve only been like this the past couple of months.”
“What made you change?”
“You.” I kiss his chest. “Waking up next to you is better than any legal stimulant available. I’m a lucky girl to have such a sexy man in my bed.” We cuddle, not paying attention to the time. We’re in no rush to leave for my dad’s. It’s a nice change of pace for me to hang out in my pajamas.
He clears his throat. “Are you nervous to introduce me to your family?”
Lives Collide (Collide #1) Page 21
