by Jaci J
“No, babe,” I grind out through my teeth, instantly annoyed. “You look fine.”
“You’re mad at me now,” she huffs, already on the defensive and ready for an argument. “I was just askin’. I mean, it’s hard to feel pretty with that hangin’ around,” she grumbles, flicking an uninterested hand in Row and Emerson’s direction.
I know I should say something, calm her down or make her feel like she’s the prettiest girl here, but I just don’t care enough to bother.
“I’m not mad.” I lie as I watch Em and Row pull another ice chest from my brother’s truck. They’re laughing at each other about something one or the other did. Emerson is happy and I hate her for it right now. I’m miserable.
“Jesus,” I hear Justin grumble, walking up to the both of them. “Y’all are gonna hurt yourselves.” Taking the ice chest from them, he points them towards his boat and they head for it, towels in hand. Justin hauls the ice chest behind them.
“Ugh! You’re so difficult,” Nadia snaps, catching my attention. She stands up and stomps off, her friend following quickly after her. Nadia glares at me before she disappears into the house.
I let her go, grabbing a beer instead.
~~~~~~
A few hours later, everyone is having a good time. We’re all drinking, swimming, and cooking on the grill.
Emerson’s been in the water for most of that time, floating on an air mattress with Holly and Row, sunbathing.
The sun is starting to set, but it’s still hot as hell.
Wearing an old beat up baseball cap that I think she might have stolen from me years ago and a little black bikini, I find her fascinating as fuck. The way little drops of water on her stomach catch the sunlight, how she drags her hand through the waves, treading water, it’s all so…tempting.
Someone tosses her a Frisbee and she tosses it back, falling off the mattress. Popping back out of the water, she laughs, her hat and glasses still on.
I’m not the only watching her, either. A few assholes a couple docks down are staring, watching her with more interest than I like.
I have no goddamn right to be jealous, but I am.
It’s all good that she’s single, but I’m not sure I could live with knowing she belongs to someone else. I don’t ever want to see it, or be around it.
“Zac!” Nadia shouts, marching towards me.
She’s still mad, holding a grudge over the extra compliments I didn’t pay her, I suppose.
We’ve been dating for five months now, and they sure as shit haven’t been the easiest months of my life. Nadia is not an easy woman. She requires a lot of time and attention, and if I were a better man I might be able to give it to her, but everything I do where she’s concerned is half-hearted.
“Yeah?”
“I wanna go out on the boat.”
The word no almost leaves my mouth. I’d rather sit here all day on the water, watching Em be happy, but she’s not who I’m here with—Nadia is.
Standing up from my lawn chair, I nod. “Sure. Let’s go.”
~~~~~~
I spent the rest of my afternoon catering to Nadia. I listened to her complain and whine while keeping my eye on the woman making her way towards me now.
With the boats anchored together at the dock, I watch Emerson damn near crawl from Justin’s to mine, wobbly and unstable, smiling at me.
“Long time no see.” Em winks and claims the seat next to me. Kicking her bare feet up, she takes the beer from my hands and takes a drink. “How’s it hangin’, homeslice?” she laughs, nudging my knee with hers.
That wild heart of hers is always there, on the surface, shiny and bright. It’s infectious.
“Not as good as you, I’m guessin’.” She’s drunk. Em has always been a fun drunk. It may have been fun in the past, but now it’s awkward. I don’t know how to talk to her anymore. I can’t touch her, look at her, kiss her the way I used to. Now, I’m unsure as fuck around her.
As corny as it is, in my heart she’ll always be my girl. It’s my head that’s all fucked up.
“Zac…”
I want to touch her. I want to tear her clothes off her body and claim her as mine again. I want to consume her. But I also want to be faithful to Nadia.
“Hey, are you okay?” she asks, touching my hand.
Pulling my hand away from hers, I shake my fucked up head.
“No.”
Emerson doesn’t look shocked or confused. She looks like she sympathizes with every goddamn thing I’m feeling. She’s been here and she’s lived it. We’re living through it together.
“Are we ever gonna be okay?”
“I don’t know.” It’s the truth. I don’t know if we will ever be right. There’s nothing I want more than to forget everything, forgive her, and move on with my life.
I don’t know how to do this. The girl was my everything, the love of my life. We didn’t lose touch with one another, and we didn’t grow apart like most relationships do. There was no closure. It was there one day, gone the next. Text messages and phone calls couldn’t replace being together, seeing each other every day. I don’t know how to forgive and forget. I don’t know how I can ever see her as just a friend.
Her return has brought out shit in me I never wanted to remember. The distance made everything bearable, but now, I can’t seem to work my feelings out. She’s the only true relationship I’ve ever had, and the only one I’d ever want. No woman could ever compare to her and what we had, and that’s why I am the way I am with any girl I date. It’s never love, just a state of being to make life easier, I guess. That’s how I’ve lived my life for the past ten years, and I have to find a way to get back to that.
Without another word, I get up and walk across the boat and onto the dock, desperate to get away from her before I say something I’ll regret.
The midway is crowded. People everywhere are cheering, hollering, laughing, and there’s plenty of cotton candy, corn dogs, and Coors Light. Bright lights and loud music round out the festivities.
It’s Loggers Play Day, and it’s exactly what it sounds like. It is a time-honored tradition here in Riverside. Every September the entire town comes together to celebrate the long standing logging businesses. It used to be a day that all of forestry was celebrated. Now it’s just an excuse for local loggers to get drunk and show off their chainsaws.
It’s a strange feeling being back here and being older. I would say wiser too, but that’s not the case because I’m looking for Zac in the sea of people when I shouldn’t be.
I know he’s here, I can feel it.
Standing in the middle of the madness, I pop a deep fried piece of heaven known as an elephant ear into my mouth. I moan loudly when the butter, cinnamon, and sugar hit my tongue. I damn near melt into a puddle of goodness on the grass.
“That good, huh?” Justin teases from beside me.
“So much better than I remember.”
Row scarfs down her gyro next to me. Luke and Holly share a pretzel as they walk hand in hand. Walker and Justin drink their beers, and another couple we went to high school with chase their kids from booth to booth.
I’m so happy to be here, even if it is hot as hell. It’s a damn good night for a carnival and celebration.
The sun is setting over the enormous dirt lot, the bright orange ball disappearing behind the expansive rows of carnival games. I stop what I’m doing and watch for a moment, feeling a tad wistful. The setting sun leaves a bittersweet longing in my chest, wishing I were here with Zac. Maybe somewhere he’s watching it too. Shaking my head at the thought, I take a drink of my lemonade and keep walking, ignoring the feelings.
“Play with me,” Justin demands, stopping next to a water gun horse race booth.
“Hell yeah.” Never one to turn down a chance to kick Justin’s ass at something, I follow him and Walker to a brightly lit booth.
“I’m down,” Walker announces, snagging my elbow and pulling me up to the game.
Justin has al
ways been the sibling I never had. The brother I always wanted and the friend I always needed. He may be Zac’s brother, but he and I were always just as close.
Walker has always been like a brother too—a brother I want to strangle.
“Now don’t cry when you lose.” Picking up his gun, Walker smirks over his shoulder at me. He’s handsome, and I wonder why he’s still single.
“I’ll try,” I mutter sarcastically, picking up my own gun.
We all sit down on the uncomfortable, small stools. Row claims the seat next to me. Walker’s on the other side of Justin. Justin gets all cool on me, and doesn’t need to prop his elbow on the platform to take aim. I decide to take full advantage of it. I don’t remember these guns being this damn heavy.
The carny starts to ramble, announcing the rules and shouting insults at the guys, all in good fun. Suddenly, he stops talking and rings the buzzer before I’m barely able to get into position. My finger immediately squeezes the trigger, but it’s obvious within two seconds I’m gonna lose. Justin is focused, his horse halfway across the board already. Walker is close behind him.
Row looks over at me and we share a look, both of us knowing there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell we’re winning this thing.
We do the only thing we can—we cheat.
Twisting in my seat, I shoot Walker and Justin with water at the same time Row does. It does nothing. The men are maniacs. Justin keeps on, winning the game, while Walker tosses his gun down and leaps up, ready to kill me.
“Fuckin’ cheat,” he growls, tossing the yellow stuffed banana with dreads that the carny gave him at me.
“Me?” Backing away, I smile at him.
“Yeah.” He advances on me. “You.”
Taking a step back, I bump into someone, hard.
“Whoa,” the voice says, catching my shoulder while the other person sneers, “Watch it.”
Justin turns to Row and before I know it he’s off chasing her around while I’m left standing like an idiot, staring at the two people I just backed over.
For fuck’s sake. Why?
It’s Zac and Nadia.
Zac stares at me with narrowed eyes, his hand still on my shoulder. Nadia glares at me, annoyed. All I can do is stand like a fucking bump on a log, looking at them hand in hand. All the fun I was just having dies.
Looking between them and their entwined hands, I close my eyes briefly, steeling myself.
That should be my hand in his.
I want to tear her arm off and hit her with it.
Walker has no idea what’s going on. He’s still laughing, taunting me, while I’m stuck, rooted to the grass. Clueless, Walker scoops me up and shakes me around, laughing, before giving his attention to Zac.
“Walker,” he growls, trying to sound nice, but failing when he greets him. I can see it in Zac’s eyes that he’s not happy Walker’s hands are on me, and it makes me happy he’s unhappy.
Walker stops manhandling me and sets me down on my feet, but his hands linger longer than necessary, and Zac notices.
God, Zac looks good tonight. Even acting like an asshole, he’s handsome. Wearing cutoff, beat up Carhartts, muddy cork boots, and a greasy hickory shirt unzipped with a white one under it, he’s still the sexiest man in the world.
Justin’s dressed in the same getup, but it’s just not the same on him as it is on Zac.
Zac stares for a minute longer than he should, because Nadia jerks her hand from his and turns away, pulling her phone from her frilly little purse.
“You almost ready?” Zac asks Justin, his voice tight, irritated when he finally looks away from me.
“Yep.” Justin winks, pulling at his Stihl suspenders, letting them snap back against his chest.
“Good. See you out there.” Zac doesn’t say another word. No good-bye, and no good luck. He just turns and stomps off, Nadia hot on his heels, trying to keep up.
~~~~~~
“Who knew I’d be back at these old bleachers twice in three weeks,” I laugh, lingering by the railing.
“Everything happens here,” Walker says, patting the side of the old wood stadium. “Town’s too small to do this shit anywhere else.” That’s true.
A body occupies every seat in the place, not that I could sit through this anyways. I stand instead, nervously chewing on my once pretty nails, staring out onto the field, my eyes unblinking.
The football field is no longer being used for football. Tonight there are fallen trees propped up and held down by cables in one corner. In the other are rows of logs laid down, ready to be cut. A giant pool sits in the middle, ready for logrolling. It’s a spectacle.
I listen for a while as the announcers tease and taunt the audience. They read off the list of events and call out the names of the participants. They tell bad jokes and act like fools up in the booth, but everyone eats it up.
Through it all, I bite back the nerves. Ten years ago, someone fell to their death climbing one of those trees. A few years before that, someone lost a foot. And people get hurt every damn year. I know Zac and Justin do this shit every day at work, but watching it is a lot different than knowing it.
“Now, don’t go chewing off all your nails,” Walker laughs, slinging an arm over my shoulders.
“Shut up,” I warn him as I pull away, focusing intently on the guys.
I watch them chop, saw, and hack their way across the field in the logger style obstacle race. Chainsaws in hand, they run around, acting like teenagers, all while everyone laughs, enjoying their antics. Half the guys are tanked, and the others are trying to trip each other and knock one another down.
It’s dark by the time Zac, Justin, and two other guys make it to the last obstacle. Standing at the base of each of their trees, they get ready.
Suddenly, I feel sick.
I’ve seen Zac do this, but that was over ten years ago. He was eighteen and crazy.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, we’ve reached the final climb.” The announcers voice thunders through the speakers and everyone cheers. Everyone but me that is. I’m too busy trying not to puke.
Silence falls over the crowd as the guys wrap their straps around the trees, chainsaws hanging at their sides.
Zac stops and turns. Looking over his shoulder, I watch his eyes search for something, or someone, in the crowd. I swallow hard. Those steely blue eyes scan the crowd until they find me. My heart skips a beat or two while locked in his gaze. Smiling softly, I nod. “Good luck,” I mouth. Zac does nothing but nod in return before he turns back around, seemingly satisfied.
I exhale a lungful of air I didn’t realize I was holding.
Zac still, after all these years, turns me inside out.
Boots planted into the side of the log, a gunshot goes off, and the men do their thing.
The look on Emerson’s pretty face is priceless. If I thought she didn’t give a shit about me before, I know differently now. Her eyebrows in her hairline, bottom lip sucked between her teeth, and her hands gripping the stadium railing says it all. She looks sick with worry. Too bad it’s ten years too late.
My heart beats wildly in my chest and my hands shake. My adrenaline is through the fucking roof. I wish I could say it was from the rush of free climbing a couple hundred feet into the air, but I’d be lying. It’s the set of pretty brown eyes watching my every move like one of them will be my last.
Shaking out of the ropes, I leave them at the foot of the tree I just scaled in record time and walk off through the crowd of people, politely ignoring their congratulations.
My heart’s just not in this year’s Play Day. It hasn’t been for a long time now.
“How the hell do you do that year after year?” Tim asks me, his eyes wide as he falls into step next to me. He’s new, a rookie, and he’s learning. But he’s slow and clumsy. Hopefully, he’ll become a quick learner. If not, he’ll end up dead.
“I’ve done it at least once a fucking week since I was sixteen.” It’s part of the job. Logging isn’t for everyone.
In fact, it ain’t for most. It’s a damn hard job, physically demanding. I spend most of my days now keeping my crew on track and my contracts straight, but a few years ago I was out setting chokers, running the yarder, chasing, and dragging my tired ass up and down the side of the mountain. Hell, I still do it once or twice a week because I’m good at it.
I lose Tim in the crowd, and I don’t bother looking for him.
Walking along the stadium’s boardwalk, I look for Nadia and find her sitting a few rows away from my friends, her head down and her fingers tapping away on her phone. She’s ignoring them, which is pretty typical.
I don’t walk over to her immediately, lingering by the railing.
“Well, you’re still alive, so that’s good,” Em laughs nervously from behind me before walking around in front of me.
Wearing a long dress with crazy patterned stripes of every color, and blonde curls all over the place, she looks absolutely stunning. Her red lips are split into a huge, happy smile, and it reminds me of our first kiss, here, at his very event all those years ago.
“You scared?” My brother taunts from behind us in line, poking at Em.
“Don’t look down and you’ll be fine, unless it gets stuck, or you fall.”
I want to punch him but I don’t, knowing it’ll end up in a hitting match, and neither one of us are looking to get kicked out of the fair.
“Shut the hell up,” I warn him, tucking Em under my arm. She laughs at him, but I’m getting the feeling she’s more scared than she’s letting on. “Don’t listen to him.”
“I’m fine,” she laughs again, but it’s forced. The girl isn’t scared of much. She’s not scared of heights, but she’s scared of getting stuck a couple of stories in the air. Justin fed her stories about people falling out of Ferris wheels to their deaths on windy days like today on the ride over here. He’s a fucking asshole.
The line moves and people crawl on as the wheel turns, stopping at each open car.
Reaching the front of the line, I linger, letting Em go first. She’s wearing a mini skirt and a tiny top showing off her tan lines. Emerson has got to be the hottest girl I’ve ever seen and she’s here, with me, her hand in mine. I’m a damn lucky guy.
