by Megan Linski
“You’re going to make the sultanate bankrupt,” Shadi says as he looks at the long list in my hand.
“The biggest and best Tajdid Alnaar ever,” I remind Shadi. “We’ll have to reach out to the men’s choir tonight. We need to rehearse for the candlelight walk.”
“Oh, by Alshams, not that horrendous choir,” Shadi moans.
“If you think you can do any better, by all means, teach them,” I snap. “I’m busy.”
Shadi notices me getting short with him. He navigates me into a corner of the kitchen, where we are more or less unheard.
“Bennua? This is more than about giving Zahid a good Tajdid Alnaar, isn’t it?” Shadi asks.
“No,” I say. I try to side-step around him but he plants himself in front of me.
“Zahid confessed to me what you told him,” Shadi says quietly. I stop trying to get around him. “He couldn’t keep it to himself. His mind is heavy with it. He nearly cried while telling me.”
I still. Shadi takes it as an opportunity to proceed. “He made me swear that if anything happened to him that I would do everything in my power to make sure you stay alive. He’s very worried about you.”
“There’s nothing to worry about. I’m fine,” I mumble.
Shadi gives me a fond look and says, “In all my millennia, you are the closest friend I’ve ever had. I’ve even come to think of you as a daughter, in ways.”
“Oh, Shadi. That’s so sweet.” I smile.
Shadi smiles back, but the smile falters. “He is right, you know. If something happens, you need to go on.”
“I— I don’t want to talk about it,” I stutter out. I walk forward. Shadi falls in beside me.
“Don’t ruin the present by thinking of what could be,” he ends quietly. “The Raider Prince loves you.”
I fiddle with my fingers. “I know he does.” I look up. “I’m just trying to thank him for the love he’s given me.”
The rest of my day is spent fixing the parade (Zahid really did tell them it looked fine— it was most definitely not fine), organizing the candlelight walk and putting the finishing touches on the feast orders.
Shadi went to go try and teach the men’s choir how to sing. I don’t have much hope, but I’m glad he’s out of my way. His complaining was starting to get on my nerves.
I don’t see Zahid all day. Whatever he’s planning for me, it must’ve taken him some time to get it finished.
I finish the preparations in the kitchen, where I started. I’m swaying on my feet, though I account it to being so tired.
“Are you all right, my queen?” a servant asks, peering at me. “You’re a little pale.”
“I’m… I’m well…” I say. “Just a little light headed.”
I grab onto the corner of a table to keep myself steady. The room is wavering, like a wave on the ocean.
Unexpectedly, the scene changes. I’m no longer in the kitchens. I’m outside on the palace steps, and my husband is in my arms, and he’s dying, and Rukuh is above me—
The vision contorts and twists. I’m in the gardens, and I’m wearing a pink-and-green wedding gown. Rukuh is across from me. He’s grinning in a sick way as I proceed toward him. I’m willing to bargain my body for a chance to get my sultanate back—
“My queen, you’re bleeding!” the servant shouts.
Reality snaps back into place. The kitchens rush back, and I raise my hand. I cut my palm on a knife that was near the corner as I scrabbled to ground myself.
Lately, Zahid has made a habit of walking in at the worst possible time. Now is no exception. I turn my back in an attempt to hide the blood, but he sees.
“Bennua!” he says. With no regard as to what anyone thinks, he snatches my wrist and drags me to the washbasin. He cleans the wound, looking at it. Thankfully, it’s not deep.
I’m hardly there. My mind is somewhere else.
“Bandages, for Alshams sake,” he snaps at the servants, and they hustle off. When they come back, he wraps my hand tightly before raising my palm to his lips to kiss it gently.
When he lowers my hand, he’s glaring at me. Those dark eyes bring me out of it.
“You didn’t do as I asked, did you?” he says bluntly.
“What?” I say, a little more conscious. I remember what I was doing and why I’m here.
“The fast ended two hours ago. You haven’t eaten anything since last night.” His tone is deep and stern. He’s mad.
I have made my husband angry. Oh well. Don’t hate Tajdid Alnaar so much and I won’t have to take such drastic measures.
“You are going to eat.” Zahid lifts me up and helps me “walk” to a table, though he’s more or less carrying me. He sits me down in a chair and orders the cooks to make me something.
“I’m not hungry,” I complain.
“Your body needs food,” he says, sitting down in the chair across from me, crossing his arm and putting his feet up on the table. “And I’m going to sit here and make sure you eat every single bite.”
“This is so unnecessary,” I grumble.
“My dear, you have made it necessary.”
My stomach growls. Zahid smirks in triumph, and I groan. “All right. Fine. A quick bite.”
The food comes, a bowl of lamb and chickpea soup. It smells so good… my mouth starts watering. Truth be told, I’m ravenous, but I’m not going to tell my husband that. He keeps his word and watches me eat coyly. A knowing glint enters his eyes when I begin shoveling the soup into my mouth faster than usual.
By Alshams, I hate it when he’s right.
I push my bowl aside when I’m done and say, “There. Every last bite, as you said.”
I rise to my feet and turn to head off. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some things to attend to.”
“Not so fast,” Zahid says, snagging my wrist. I try to wrench away, but his grip is firm. He takes my hand and says, “You’re going to follow me.”
“You’re being very bossy tonight,” I complain.
“You’re my wife. I think it’s about time you learn to listen to me.”
There’s a huskiness to his voice, which peaks my interest. It definitely makes me follow him far more willingly. We enter our room and he lets me go.
He leans against the door, props a leg up against it, and lets his hair fall into his eyes. Incredible.
“Take your clothes off,” he says, in a way that makes it known it’s not a request.
I am more than willing. “As you wish,” I say flirtatiously, and begin pulling off articles of clothing. I discard my veil slowly, letting it drop to the floor behind me, and slide my robe off my shoulders.
He reaches out his hand for my clothes. I give them to him piece by piece, and he holds onto them. I make a good show of taking off my top and skirt. I burn while his eyes are on me, handing over the last piece of clothing I have and leaving myself completely nude.
“Is this what you wanted?” I ask, twirling around. His gaze is set on me… it observes my body hungrily, and I ready myself for him to attack. This will be a much better ending to an already disastrous day.
Then he smiles broadly. “Good,” he says. He bunches up my clothes and tucks them into his side. “Now you are going to stay here and rest while I take care of some things.”
My mouth drops open. “What… I…. Zahid!”
I don’t have any clothes here in our bedroom. We have too many. They are stored in our closet down the hall. The servants bring them in each morning. If Zahid doesn’t give me my clothes back…
I lunge for them, but he holds them high above his head, too far to reach. “Give them back! I have to go!” I say, and I jump up to grab them.
He laughs. “Unless you want the entire palace to see the queen in all her glory, you’ll want to stay put.”
He tucks the clothes behind his back. I fume. There’s no way I’ll be able to get them back now— not without ripping them, at least. The dirty, tricky thief. I should’ve put more thought into who I married.
“Zahid,” I whine. “Please stop with the games. I have very important work to get done.”
“This isn’t a game,” he suddenly says, very seriously. “I am doing what is needed to keep you well.”
“Whatever do you mean?” I ask, throwing my arms skyward. He’s so frustrating!
“Isn’t it obvious? You’re exhausted.” Zahid’s gaze softens. “You nearly fainted. What would have happened if I hadn’t been there to help you? You could’ve gotten hurt.”
I’m starting to give in. “I’m fine,” I say. “I truly am.”
“No. I asked you to rest today, and you didn’t do so,” Zahid says, rather gently.
“This is so unlike you. You always give me choices,” I say, crossing my arms. “You’ve told me before you don’t like ordering me around.”
“You know I would never go against your desires unless I had to. And Bennua, I have to. You’re making yourself sick.” Though he disguises it, his tone is thick with worry.
“It’s for a good cause,” I say. “You’ll see.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t believe so. This is your favorite time of year, and you’re wasting it on being wound up. You’re working so hard on whatever it is you’re trying to do you can’t enjoy the season.”
“I can’t enjoy it unless you enjoy it, too,” I insist, uncrossing my arms and placing my hands on his chest. “I want you to have a wonderful Tajdid Alnaar.”
“Is that what this is about?” His eyes widen. “Bennua, I’ve told you how I feel about all of this. I ask you to respect my beliefs.”
“I do! But—” I let out a huff of frustration. “But… you won’t go to temple services with me, or pray with me, or anything. I wish you’d let me have this. At least it’s a holiday we can celebrate together.”
“I understand that. However…”
Something in the air changes. It modifies the argument from one of frustration to curiosity. I move forward, listening.
“My faith in Alshams is new,” Zahid drops his voice to a low tone of intimacy. I press into him, to hear him easier. “Alshams saved my life, restored me to you and took herself in my place. But it’s… overwhelming.”
He lets out a shaky breath. I wrap my arms around him, to comfort him. It’s everything I can do to keep from shaking. We had promised so many times we wouldn’t talk about this, yet it keeps coming back to haunt us.
“I’ve seen things that most priests can’t even imagine. I’ve been through death, witnessed the afterlife, and it’s still so hard for me to comprehend.” He scratches his head. “Sometimes it feels like I can’t.”
“Faith isn’t a surefooted road. It’s a very rocky path,” I tell him. “Don’t feel bad because it’s not working out as you think it should. It’s part of the process.”
Zahid sighs. “Give me time, please. I’m not used to this… this faith.” His eyes darken, and I tilt my head. “This is new to me. I was practically forced into it because I was confronted with the truth. I can no longer deny Alshams’ existence, but I’m not ready to go to temple, or pray, or do any of those things. I need time to grow.”
He brushes back a strand of my hair. “Don’t you think I want to pray with you? That would be beautiful, Bennua, one of the most intimate things we could do together. But it still feels… silly to me. Like I’m talking to someone who isn’t there.”
“Alshams always hears you, Zahid, even if it is just a secret thought you’ve pressed into yourself,” I say, to encourage him. “I don’t see how anyone couldn’t hear you. Especially not Alshams. He… she… loves you. Even more than I do.”
“Oh, Bennua.” He leans forward, and presses his lips to my temple. “There you go, saying beautiful things. Your faith is so strong, unable to be wavered, and you’ve only seen parts of Alshams. I’ve seen it all and I still struggle to believe.”
This is difficult for me to understand. I’ve always believed, from the moment Alshams was introduced to me… I’ve always had an unexplainable, special bond with the phoenix god.
Zahid has watched miracles be performed, become a miracle himself, and his soul still wants to run and hide.
Visiting the afterlife fixed some things, but it did not fix everything. Zahid is still very broken, and despite him not telling me this… I know him so intimately, I realize without him having to say anything… he hates himself for it.
The realization is so painful it’s like a knife diving into my heart. I can’t stand the thought of Zahid hating himself. I would much rather he hate me, hate the whole world.
I don’t know what to say, exactly, but I decide to speak from the heart. “Don’t be afraid of being let down again,” I say. I run my fingers over his beard, and add, “I know you’ve had a hard life and have seen devastating things. But Alshams won’t fail you. He’s not going to hurt you, Zahid. This I promise.”
“It is hard, being married to someone like you,” Zahid nearly whispers. “Your faith is big and incredible, and mine is so small. My belief feels insignificant and unwanted when compared to yours.”
This stuns me. Zahid feels intimidated by my faith? “I never wanted to make you feel that way—”
“It’s not your fault.” He cups my face in his hand. “It’s who you are. As much as doubt is who I am.” He chuckles. “We are two sides of the same coin. As always.”
I chew on my lip. “I’m not trying to pressure you into anything. Never, Zahid. I… I feel bad that you didn’t get to have a good holiday with your mother before she passed and haven’t had a good Tajdid Alnaar since. You’ve given me so much, and I feel as if I’ve given you so little.”
“What?” His mouth drops open. “How can you say that? Bennua, you’ve given me everything. Don’t ever believe that you haven’t.”
His hand weaves into my hair and his thumb strokes the back of my neck. “Where would I be without you? You saved my life. I’m not merely talking on the battlefield… I was a shell before you came to Ashana. A body existing, but not truly living. You’ve given me life. I cannot imagine a world without you.”
“I love you very much, Zahid,” I say. My eyes are starting to water. Damn me, I’m getting emotional again. “I want to show you it. I want you to have a good Tajdid Alnaar.”
“Bennua, you show me you love me every day in so many incredible ways,” Zahid tells me lovingly. “You don’t have to go out of your way just because of what time of year it is.”
“But I do!” My arms around his waist tighten. “Every second of your life I want to make special, but this even more so. I want you to know how happy you can be at Tajdid Alnaar. How much love and joy you can experience.”
“I can’t imagine being any happier than what I am right now.” Zahid presses his face into my hair, and a feel a bit of wetness graces my scalp. Are those tears? “By Alshams, it’s so incredible how much you love, Bennua. I’ll never be able to get over it.”
“You love me just as much,” I say back to him, my voice muffled by his shirt. “In that, we are equals.”
Zahid pulls away, and looks at me. His expression is like the sun… warm, and happy, and full of light. His smile… I could go on for years and years remembering it. He is all I want… and all I need.
I press my face into his chest and whisper, “Will you let me out now?”
Zahid laughs. He backs away out of my arms. The scared, open man is gone and the Raider Prince is back.
“I don’t think so.” He shakes his head. “You’re not wiggling out of this one.”
“Where are you going?” I ask as he proceeds toward the door.
“I have business to attend to,” Zahid tells me. “I will be back tonight.”
He seems to change his mind halfway there, and turns to face me. He strides forward and grabs my chin. He lifts my eyes to his and says, “I suggest you don’t leave this room. If you call for servants to bring you clothes, I will know about it.”
He smirks deliciously. “And I promise, Bennua, you won’t lik
e what will happen if you disobey me.”
His mouth is feverishly upon mine, leaving me breathless. When he pulls away I reach for him, wanting more, but he refuses my advancements. His hand is on the door; his eyes search me up and down one last time, slowly, hovering in all the right places before locking a smoldering gaze with mine.
Despite myself, I blush.
When he closes the door behind him, the spell is broken. I let out an aggravated noise.
“Stupid Zahid!” I announce to no one but myself. “With his… sensuality, and… silly games and… kisses and… beautiful body…”
He insinuated one thing and ended up giving me another. I am not happy.
A thought crosses my mind of what Zahid’s punishment could possibly be. What will he do if I do call for servants to get clothes, and leave this room?
He’ll be all hot and bothered when he returns… perhaps he’ll throw me on the bed and have his way with me. Or maybe he will punish me with something… dirty…
I shake myself. I need to stop. Thoughts like this aren’t going to help me give him the best Tajdid Alnaar ever. I cannot be distracted.
I’m on a mission.
Feeling rather exposed, I sit on the bed and pull the blanket up over my body. A thought crosses my mind. What Zahid said about Alshams… bothers me. In a way that it hasn’t before. He nearly acts scared of Alshams… or even scared at what his belief could do.
It was far too emotional and heavy of a conversation for me to have nude, that’s for sure. But though I wasn’t wearing clothes… Zahid was far more exposed tonight than I could ever be.
His agony wounds me. In places where it hurts even to move. I long for his heart to mend. I wish I could take his pain and suffering into my hands and mold it, turn it into something new.
Something in his life that isn’t so easily shattered.
As I did what Zahid requested and didn’t leave the room, he ended up rewarding me instead of punishing me.
Which I thoroughly enjoyed. Afterward, we watched the parade together from our balcony. It wasn’t as bad as I had worried it would be. On the contrary, it was actually quite good.
