“Baby.” I heard a small thump on the door. “Open the door for me.”
My heart raced as I moved across the bathroom to the door. Pulling a deep breath into my constricted lungs, I unlocked it. Collin didn’t wait for me to open the door. As soon as he heard the latch of the lock, he’d pushed the door open wide. For what felt like the billionth time tonight, my heart raced painfully against the cage of my chest.
“Collin.” I whispered his name and his eyes landed on my face. “I don’t...” I paused and he waited patiently. For the first time, there were no smart remarks or teasing jabs. Instead, there was only gentle patience in his emerald eyes. For some reason, that made this harder for me. “I’m not - I’ve never...”
“What’s wrong, beautiful?”
“I have no clothes on under the towel.”
He smiled gently. It wasn’t the lady-killer grin. It was just a smile that was gentle and calming and beautiful. “I’ve seen it all before, beautiful. You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about.”
My heart fisted in my chest. “You haven’t seen me.”
Slowly, he nodded. “You’re right, baby.”
“Hadley.” I said my name harshly. “My name is Hadley.”
Alright, so admittedly, I was pissy that he’d brought up other women at a time when I was supposed to just drop my towel and let him lather me in Aloe Vera. He may have thought his words would calm my raging discomfort, but he was so very wrong. Knowing he could even think about another woman while I was considering dropping my towel was just hurtful.
Here I was crushing on him - or I thought I was crushing on him - because nothing else made sense - and he was talking about other women. Other naked women. It didn’t get much worse than that.
Watching his face tense, I felt my breath catch. “I know your name.” He said sternly. “I know more about you than I’ve ever known about any woman, Hadley. Now, are you going to drop your towel so I can help your burn from progressing, or are we going to stand here and argue about the inevitable.”
I didn’t know what to feel about his words. They were heart fluttering and heart stopping. He knew more about me than he’d ever known about any woman. I liked that. But I still didn’t know what it meant. And it didn’t stop the fact that I was nervous and uncomfortable with the thought of dropping my towel for this man who was slowly, ever so slowly, weaving his web around my heart.
“I can’t.” I dropped my eyes to the floor and my hands, that were clutching the towel against my chest, began to tremble. “I can’t be naked in front of you.”
“Then hold the towel to your chest, Hadley, but show me your back.”
“But, my butt.” I felt tears prick my eyes and I blinked rapidly to keep them from falling.
Collin caught sight of my moist eyes and hissed in a deep breath. “What is this about, Hadley? Why are you so uncomfortable with being naked? You’re beautiful. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
My voice shook. “I’m not embarrassed.” Even as I said the words, my skin burned red. “I’ve just - I don’t just take my clothes off for people.”
After a few breaths of uncomfortable, stifling silence passed, I peaked up at Collin. He was stiff. His face was tense and his eyes were on me, unmoving. Deep breaths were making his chest rise and fall and his mouth was positioned in a thin line on his face that wasn’t quite a frown, but it definitely wasn’t a smile.
“Happy to hear that, baby.” He said gruffly. “But I’m not just anyone.”
“No.” I replied softly, feeling embarrassed now. “You’re my friend. You don’t get to see me naked.”
“But...” he stuttered. Yes, the man who always had something to say stuttered. “But you’ve had boyfriends see you naked?” I watched his big hands curl into fists. “The guy you’re with in the picture over the fireplace in your cabin?”
“Try brother.” I whispered and his face tensed with understanding. “Not boyfriend.”
“The brother?” His question was hoarse. I knew what he was asking, but understanding didn’t make it any easier to reply.
“Yes.” I only needed to nod once for him to understand. We hadn’t talked about Michael. Apart from Collin telling me that he was here and that he would listen, I hadn’t conversed with Collin about my brother. All Collin knew was that I’d had a brother, and he’d died recently.
“Shit, baby.” He ran a hand through his already disheveled hair. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I smiled through my pain before asking. “You didn’t see the resemblances in the photos?”
A far away look claimed his eyes and I knew he was thinking back to the pictures sitting on the fireplace mantle in my cabin. “Yeah, I suppose now that I know, there are resemblances.”
Silence pulsed awkwardly between us as Collin shifted on the spot and I clutched tighter at my towel.
Then he spoke. “So, boyfriends.” His voice shook and I felt my eyes study him harder. “You didn’t leave one at home?”
Had he seriously been wondering this for the nine weeks we’d been hanging out, and was only just asking now?
I frowned at the contrast between the dark curiosity in his eyes and the forced ease in his tone before I replied. “Nope.”
“So evasive.” His grin turned into the familiar lady-killer grin I was so used to. But this time, I saw that grin for what it was - a defense mechanism. “I think you’re hiding something from me.”
“I’m not.”
“I think you are.” He stated simply.
“I assure you, I’m not.” I tried to remain steady. “I only ever bothered with dating once. I was sixteen and he was cute. We went out once. But Mike saw him kiss me at the end of the night - my first kiss - and that was the end of it.” I smiled at the memory. “Mike threatened him, like big brothers do, and we never went out again.” I shrugged. “I decided not to bother with dating until I was older, and I haven’t.”
I shrugged again at the utter shock radiating from his every pore as he stared down at me.
“You’ve never...” he stuttered, rubbing his fingertips over the light shadowing of stubble on his chin. “You’ve never dated?”
“Apart from the one time, no.” I stated when his shock failed to subside. “There was no point in dating - not really, anyway. I wasn’t ready for anything serious and I’ve always wanted my first to be my only, you know?”
He looked pale. “Holy fuck.” He scrubbed his hands over his face violently. “You’re a...”
Oh, I get it. He wasn’t freaking out over my lack of boyfriends - he was freaking out over the fact that I was a specimen he believed no longer existed. My lack of sexual experience surely freaked this experienced man right out of his mind.
I stated firmly. “I’m a virgin? Yeah, I am.” He blinked and I added. “Go on, say it. Virgin. It’s not a bad word.”
He scowled. “I know it’s not a bad word, but shit, Hadley.”
“What?” I snapped. “Why do you keep swearing?”
“I...” he stuttered again. “You just surprised me is all.”
“I’ll say.” I tried to steady my nervously shaking hands before replying defensively. “You know virgins aren’t rare. There are a lot of women who choose not to throw it away to someone who doesn’t deserve it.”
“I’ve never met one.”
“That’s probably not accurate.” I replied matter of fact. “You probably just haven’t met a girl who thought you deserved something so preciously important to her.”
His eyes darkened and his shoulders stiffened as he stared down at me. My heart thudded. “You’re probably right.”
I’ve never, in my entire life, wished I could take back the words I’d spoken.
Chapter 15
“If you’ll excuse me a moment, I’ll put some panties on and then you can lather me with all the Aloe Vera you want.” I tried to keep my voice steady, but the guarded look in his emerald eyes made me want to cry.
All I really w
anted to do was show him that there was a woman who believed he was worth giving something so cherished too, because honestly, I would give him that part of me. There was no doubt, that if he wanted it, I would give it to him. I didn’t really care about the possibility of hurt any longer - not the way I had always feared that kind of pain, anyway. Instead, I cared more about the man I’d hurt - the man who possessed the capacity to destroy my heart.
Collin nodded. “There’s a bag on my bed. I’ll wait in the hall. When you’ve put some panties on, lie facedown on the bed and call out.”
“Okay.” I watched him walk out of the bedroom. And then the tears I could no longer hold inside fell. I realized that for the first time in ten weeks and two days, I was crying - but not for the loss of my brother.
I was crying for the loss of the man I was in love with.
Yes, I was in love with Collin Donnelley. I don’t know how it happened or even when it happened, but I knew, without a doubt, that I loved him. I couldn’t possibly feel this ache in my heart in response to the pain I had caused him, if I didn’t love him so completely.
Now that I knew I loved him, I didn’t know what to do about it. Did I tell him? Did I come right out with it and admit my feelings to the man who ran from feelings like lost souls ran from the Devil?
Taking a deep breath, I wiped my now swollen eyes and moved from the bathroom to the bedroom. I found the bag Collin had brought back with him from my cabin and I dug through it for my clothing. He’d brought panties, a couple bras, and two dresses. But he’d forgot a nighty. Feeling my heart thud into the deep of my belly, I pulled on a pair of lacy pink booty shorts before I stared down at his bed. My heart pulled (or sling shot) back up into my chest. Finally gaining courage, I climbed over the duvet, and lowered myself facedown on the soft material of the comforter.
Pulling in a deep breath, I called out. “I’m ready.”
Not even a second passed before Collin walked back into the room. His jaw was rigid and his steps were determined as he crossed the distance between us with the Aloe Vera in his hand. My heart raced and I slammed my eyes closed as he sat down on the bed beside me.
I heard the cap of the Aloe Vera unsnap, and then I heard the liquid pour into his hand. Then, I felt his hands smearing the cool, tingling liquid, over my shoulders. I sighed, unable to help myself as he continued rubbing the cool liquid down my back and over my burned skin.
When he’d begun rubbing my lower back, I spoke into the silence. My words sounded breathless, and I felt my face deepen in a blush. “Thank you for this, Collin.”
“Don’t mention it.”
“I’m sorry.”
His hands stilled over the small of my back. “Why would you be sorry?”
“For what I said earlier.” I was so ashamed of my words. “I didn’t mean it.”
“It was the truth, Hadley, no need to be sorry.”
“Do you really believe that?” I opened my eyes and tilted my face to catch sight of his face. As soon as my eyes met his, I saw that he did, in fact, believe that he didn’t deserve something special.
His voice was gravelly. “Yes.”
“Well, I don’t.” I spoke with conviction. “You’re special enough, Collin.”
He offered a smile I knew was to ease the guilt I felt inside. “Thanks.”
I took in a deep breath and felt the nerves in my stomach jump at the consequences for the words I was about to say. And then I spoke. “You would be worth it to me.”
His hands stopped moving again and I watched as his eyes fluttered closed, and then they opened, to connect with mine. “You don’t mean that.”
“I do.” I assured. “I actually can’t think of someone else I’d rather give that piece of me to.”
Again, he closed his eyes and I could see he was struggling with my words. “You don’t know what that means to me, Hadley.” His voice shook. “But I care about you too much to ever allow you to be with a man like me. I’ll always be here for you, but not like that - I can’t be everything you need.”
My heart shattered. “Collin.”
“I’ll never be good enough for you.”
Tears moistened my eyes as he moved his aloe-covered hands over the back of my legs and I fisted my hands in his blanket. “Please don’t tell me what’s good enough.” I whispered. “Only I can decide that.”
He stood from the bed. “I’m done.” He turned to the door. “You can get changed and meet me downstairs. I’ll start grilling some steak.”
“Collin.” I spoke his name through the thick emotion in my throat and he stopped moving, but didn’t turn around. “You forgot to pack me a nighty.”
“Shit.” I heard him breathe. His shoulders fell slightly and then he turned and walked to the closet. Disappearing inside, I waited facedown on the bed. When he returned, he had a large t-shirt bunched in his hand. “You can wear this. It should come down to the middle of your thigh.”
“I can go home.” I offered, not wanting to make him feel trapped here with me - especially after everything I had said. Jeez, when my mouth ran it really ran. Like marathon ran.
“You’re not going home. We’re going to have to reapply that aloe throughout the night.”
“I can call Kami or Reese, Collin.”
“Will you stop?” He growled, his voice was tense and his hands were fisted. “Just stop.”
“Okay.”
He didn’t seem to hear me. “You’re staying here tonight and I don’t want to hear another word about it.”
“Okay.” I said again.
“Just, for once, can you let someone take care of you?”
“Yes.” I nodded. Boy, he was mad.
There was a part of me that wanted to ask if he could let someone, just for once, take care of him - but I knew asking would make matters worse than they already were and I had no desire to do that. For some reason, Collin Donnelley was afraid of being wanted. He was afraid of commitment and he was afraid of feeling something for someone. For some reason, he felt unworthy - and I’d fed that very wrong fear with my darted words.
Finally, after an uncomfortably long few minutes, Collin nodded. Dropping the shirt on the bed beside me, he strode quickly from the bedroom. He swung the door closed a little too hard behind him and I flinched.
For a moment, I just lay there on the bed. Then, I scurried to dress myself in the t-shirt. Collin had been right. It was huge. I did my best to brush through my hair with my fingers, as he’d not thought to pack me a brush. I couldn’t help but smile as I remembered my brother packing for me. At least Michael had remembered to pack me a brush - but I had to give Collin props for remembering to pack what my brother hadn’t - panties.
***
After sitting through a very awkward dinner of silence, and then cleaning the kitchen in that same awkward silence, Collin and I settled down on the couch in the living room. I sat on my side with my legs curled up on the cushion and stared blankly ahead as I thought, feeling terrified, that I’d ruined my relationship with this man I’d found such good friendship in.
“Do you, uh, want to watch a movie?”
“Sure.” I shifted again on the couch and sighed. “Actually, no. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can sit here for two hours. My skin is hurting.” I blushed. “If you could just show me where I’ll be sleeping, I’ll go to bed.”
His green eyes were intense on my face, and I felt my eyes well again, but thankfully nothing fell. Sighing, Collin stood. He reached out for my hand, braiding his fingers through mine before tugging me to the stairs. I wanted to tell him to stop holding my hand, but I couldn’t. I loved the feeling of his hand around mine, even though it broke my heart that every time he touched me, I fell deeper for a man I couldn’t actually have.
Collin turned out the lights as he moved past the switches. I was surprised when he led me past the last spare bedrooms to his doorway. I tensed. “I can’t sleep in here with you.”
“Why not?” He asked pointedly.
&nb
sp; My lips parted. “I...”
“I won’t try anything, beautiful. Don’t worry.”
“But...”
“I have a television in here. We can lay down and watch a movie so you don’t have to sit.”
“Oh.” I nodded, feeling a little more relaxed. “Okay.”
He smiled a ghost of a smile as he pulled me into the bedroom before closing the door. I watched as he moved across the room to the bed, pulling down the blanket and sheets. “Climb in, baby.”
My feet felt heavy as I dragged them over the floor, closer to Collin. Closer to the bed. “So, uh, where are the dogs?”
The corner of his lips lifted. “They prefer to be outside in the summer. In the winter, they usually come in at night, but in the summer they like being outside.”
“Huh.” I lowered myself slowly onto the bed, on my stomach. “What about wildlife?”
“We see a lot, but they tend to not come close to the houses so the animals are safe for the most part.”
“For the most part?” I watched him disappear into the closet before reappearing in nothing but his boxers.
Oh God...
“There’s a lot to eat out here, beautiful. They don’t need to take the risk of coming so close to man to hunt.”
“Makes sense.” I breathed.
“Yeah.” He flicked out the light before walking in the dark to turn on the bedside lamp. The room illuminated in an amber glow and I tried to calm my racing heart as the bed shifted beneath his weight. With him lying so close to me, I could smell his scent. It was familiar to the scent I’d lathered over my body in the shower. God, I loved this scent. “What movie do you want to watch?”
“Doesn’t matter.” I shrugged. “I’ll probably sleep anyway.”
“You didn’t get enough during your nap?”
“Shut up.” I snapped and he laughed. Oh, listening to that laugh after the strained couple hours we’d endured was beautiful.
“Just saying.” He laughed more and I couldn’t help but pray it never ended. If there were one thing I listened to for the rest of my life, I would choose his laugh.
Collin turned on a movie - and I should have guessed it would be a scary movie. Maybe I should have chosen something. Maybe I should have admitted that I didn’t deal well with fear.
Taking Chances: A Donnelley Brother's Novel Page 14
