She held up her hands. “Fine. You’re a big girl. A woman. I get it. But all I’m going to say is this: You’ve got more purple in there than red and I know you’re nervous. I know you think this is a good idea – what you should do. Not necessarily what you want to do. Frankly, you’ve got the whole rainbow following you around right now. I’ve been watching it for days, trying to figure out what the hell is going on, but the sex thing… it’s foremost on your mind right now so it pushed through.”
I grabbed my coat and slipped my arms into the sleeves. “Louis and I have taken it slow. Very slow. It’s been a year – we’ll know when the time is right. Which may be tonight.”
“And Connor?”
“What about Connor?”
Her hard look told me she knew. Of course she knew. Did she also know about Evan?
“There’s nothing going on between me and Connor. We’ve got a working partnership. We back one another up.”
She pulled me back down to the couch and took my hand into hers. Flattening my fingers one by one, Jeannie studied my palm, her fingers hovering over the thin, grooved lines. “You’re hiding things from me, your mother and these boys. The shroud of death following you is different this time. It’s leaving trails behind you… stretching beyond what I normally see. The dark muddles everything – all the other colors and energies. I know you want to be a normal girl with a normal boyfriend and normal issues, but you’re not. I get this is why you want to give yourself to Louis and feel like a grown up. You want to pretend things that are normal. Experience the same things as your friends and peers.” She released my hand and said, “When you’re ready to deal with whatever it is you have going on, I’ll be here. Never hesitate to talk to me.”
Jeannie’s words stung. Harsh like a slap. She’d nailed it, head on, as she always did. I wanted to feel normal. Loved by a normal boy in a normal home. One without dead best friends and boys that could rip out my heart at a moment’s notice if I let them back in.
“It’s not like that,” I lied. “I love Louis.”
“I’m sure you do. That’s not really the problem, is it?”
I stood, unable to take a minute more of this verbal beat-down. To make my point clear, I said, “Don’t wait up.”
“Be careful.”
“I will.”
I walked away, grabbing my bag on the way. I gave Jeannie one last look. She waved, but her eyes weren’t on me – they were on my back – at whatever followed me out the door.
*
Jeannie and I had that moment alone because my parents were busy at their gallery until Christmas Eve. I’d worked some shifts, but they gave me the night off knowing I’d planned to spend it with Louis. Giving myself to him, as my aunt so eloquently put it.
“What the hell?” Ava asked. I’d called her as soon as I left the house, my nerves shot from the confrontation. “You’ve been planning this for a long time. Don’t let her freak you out.”
“I’m not.”
“Unless you don’t want to. Don’t feel pressured.”
I looked in the rearview mirror and messed with my bangs. They had grown in a little and needed cutting. “I’m fine. I just needed to vent a little before I walked in there. Once he sees this dress, he’ll know what’s up,” I said. “How’s Julia?” Ava and I met up with Julia the day before. We hadn’t seen her since we’d left for Savannah. Julia’s school is up north and, surprisingly, she found a new way of life up there. She made the big announcement over heaping plates of Thai food. Apparently, all this time she had been a lesbian.
Who knew?
“She’s good. Call me later, okay? I want all the details.”
I hung up and parked my car in front of Louis’ house. He lived in the same upscale neighborhood as Connor, but had gone to private school. Staring at the big front porch and massive Christmas tree in the window, I gathered my courage and tried to push that final conversation with Connor out of my mind.
I wasn’t sure if Connor planned on saying those things to me or if he’d just wanted to rattle me, but he had. I was officially rattled and confused. Did I ever really think he and I wouldn’t be tempted to get back together once we started hanging out?
Ugh.
The doorbell chimed loud and I stood, shaking in my black suede boots and sequined dress. I plastered a smile on my face when the door opened. “Hey,” I said, leaning in for a hug. I got a stiff response. “What’s wrong?”
“So…” Louis held his phone up. “Just catching up on the latest. Seems like I’ve been out of the loop.” I took the phone from him, but something about his tone and expression put me on alert. Sure enough, Amber had posted a group shot from the Christmas party on my Facebook wall. Connor and I weren’t standing next to one another or even looking at one another, but I’d been busted hands down.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” I followed him into the living room and sat next to him on the couch. I still had on my coat – seeing as how Louis didn’t offer to take it. Too bad Jeannie couldn’t read the future or she could have given me the heads up.
“It’s not a big deal,” I said, feeling guilty and horrible. I was pissed about the stupidity of getting caught, which was pretty revealing. “We’ve barely seen each other and that girl,” I pointed to Amber, snuggled up to Connor. “She has a crush on him. I didn’t even know he was invited.”
Louis continued to stare at the photo. “But you knew he was at school this whole time.”
“Yes.” For months. Before school even started. Lies on top of lies.
Louis dropped his head back into the cushion. The leather felt smooth like butter, evidence of their wealth. Presents were loaded under the tree, waiting for Christmas in two days. I noticed that he’d turned off all the lights, other than the tree, and we were both cast in a pretty, shadowy glow. Everything set up for a romantic night until he found the picture. I didn’t know if it was the lights or just reality, but he looked defeated.
I linked my fingers with his and scooted closer. He didn’t move, which I took as a good thing, but he was too quiet and the lump in my throat kept getting bigger. “He doesn’t mean anything to me,” I said.
Louis finally looked at me and the hurt and confusion was clear in his eyes. “I’ve been pretty cool about Connor this whole time. Like, I knew he was this big deal for you and that you guys had some sort of epic breakup.”
I shook my head and started to interject but he stopped me.
“You should see your face,” he said, separating his hand from mine. “It’s the same look that you get whenever his name comes up or you have some kind of memory. You guys have some sort of bond that I don’t know if I can compete with.”
“No, that’s not true.” But it was true, I just didn’t want it to be. I wanted to love Louis the same way that I loved Connor. I wanted to pretend to be normal, a girl that likes ordinary boys, not the dangerous, otherworldly type. “I think we should talk about this and, you know, work it out.”
He leaned back into the couch and sighed. “I just feel like we’re kind of stagnant and maybe this is why. Maybe we can’t move forward in our relationship until you’re really over him.”
Wait… what? Move forward? “Stagnant?” I asked, because I didn’t know what else to say.
“You’ve been cock-blocking me for months,” he declared, refusing to look me in the eye.
“Cock-block? Are you kidding me?” A little bit of the guilt washed away. “Louis, we’re 18 years old in a long-distance relationship. Who knows where this is going.”
“Obviously nowhere.”
“Just to be clear, though, I don’t want to break up. I’m not interested in Connor like that. Sure, it can be weird and awkward at times, but nothing more. I barely see him and, when I do, it’s not a big deal.”
We sat quietly. Well, he sat quietly. I was freaking out because none of this was my intention. I loved Louis. I’d planned on having sex with him, probably tonight, but things had gone completely awry.
“A break?”
“Yeah, I need some time to figure this out and I think you do, too.”
“I don’t need to figure anything out,” I told him.
“Well, I do.” He held up the phone. “This sort of confirms it.”
I stared at him and tried my damnedest not to turn into a crying loon. “So, what? We just spend the rest of the holiday apart?”
“I think that might be best. My roommate asked me to go up to Nashville right after Christmas for New Year’s. Check out some of the clubs and the music scene. I said no, because…” he paused and looked at me with cold eyes, “I thought we’d be spending it together, but I may go up after all.”
I bit my bottom lip to keep my mouth shut and lifted myself off the couch. Something about this felt a little drastic, but who was I to accuse? I’d lied and concealed information. More than Louis knew about. The kiss with Connor. The ghosts. There was no way I could ever stay fully away from him. Not with situations like Hazel – there would always be something or someone tying us together.
“I’m sorry you feel this way,” I said to him. “Let me know if you want to talk or something.”
He followed me to the door, hands shoved in his pockets. I felt like I’d just been punched in the gut. Confused and overwhelmed.
Louis rested his hand on the door and barely made eye contact with me when I said goodnight. He didn’t even attempt to walk me to my car.
I slammed the car door and started the engine, trying to absorb what just happened. Pulling out of the driveway, I knew one thing. I couldn’t believe I wore my nice underwear for that.
*
“You’re not crying,” Ava said. She’d stormed into the house after I’d texted her. “Why aren’t you crying?”
I glanced over to my family. My mom, dad and Aunt Jeannie sitting by the fireplace. They all looked up in interest. “I’m not sure.”
“You should be crying.”
“I know.”
“But you aren’t.”
“No.”
“Huh.” Ava frowned and took off her coat and gloves. I jerked my head in the direction of the stairs and she followed me up. Once we were securely in my room, she said, “Details, please.”
I sat cross-legged on my bed and explained what happened. Or what I thought happened. The frown on Ava’s face never left until she said, “I guess he just panicked? It could be true. Connor’s one of those guys.”
“One of what guys?”
“Those guys. He’s legendary. Definitely hard to compete with. Maybe Louis didn’t have it in him.”
“Dude, I don’t know. Going to the same school as an ex isn’t that big of a deal,” I said. “Although, I did lie about it and I knew he wouldn’t be happy.”
“Yeah, but he has to have a little trust, right?”
I twisted the bird necklace in my fingers and agreed. “I guess.”
“Why aren’t you crying about this? You don’t seem too upset. Did you want to break up?”
“No!” I said. “Really, no. I just felt bad lying about all this crazy stuff. I’m not sure how to handle all of that. I mean, I don’t want to keep that from the person I love, you know?”
“But you can’t just tell anyone – so, really, maybe you dodged a bullet?” she asked.
“Maybe. I mean, what if we fell in love, had sex, or even got engaged or something? What if I told him the truth about the ghosts and he freaked out? Or called me a freak? What if he caught me talking to one or what if I needed Connor’s help? It could have blown up.”
Ava nodded. “Do you think this is it? Broken up?”
I leaned back into my pillow. “I’m happy to give it some time. Maybe the distance got to him.”
Ava didn’t seem convinced, but she kept her opinion to herself. For once. “Did you tell your mom?”
I laughed. “Not yet, but I’m sure she’ll figure something out, thanks to you. Jeannie probably already noticed it in my aura. I kept waiting for her to bring it up when I got home.”
Ava perked up. “Oo! Do you think she’ll read my aura for me?”
“You can ask,” I said. “Oh, and she brought these awesome cupcakes from New York. Want one?”
“Does a fat kid want cake?”
I hit her on the arm. “That’s not nice.”
“The truth hurts.”
I thought back to all the lies and the pain it had caused. If the truth hurt and so do the lies, then how would I know the right choices to make?
Chapter 13
My parents held their annual New Year’s Eve party and I spent the night alone in my room. No Louis. No Ava. Like all those years ago, but worse. Because back then I didn’t really have anyone to miss. Plus, back then I had Evan. Now the absence of the people I cared about felt like a kick in the gut.
Not to mention I was possibly the biggest loser on earth.
I’d barricaded myself in my room once the first guest arrived and turned the stereo up loud enough that I didn’t have to hear the laughter and fun from downstairs. I had plans to sort and organize my book shelf. That’s how crazy things were going to be for me that night.
My phone buzzed and a text and photo of Ava came through. Red lace.
For tonight?
Yep.
Christian won’t know what hit him. Good luck!
I tossed the phone to the floor. Great. My best friend was losing her virginity while I sorted books.
With a stack of A-F on my right and a pile of G-M on my left, I stretched out on the floor and closed my eyes. Maybe I could visit with Evan. I tried to relax and reach that place between here and there but my phone buzzed again, interrupting my zone. I ignored it. I couldn’t handle any more underwear shots tonight.
I’d been laying there for a while when someone knocked at the door and opened it. “What are you doing?”
My eyes popped open and I twisted my head. “Nothing. And you shouldn’t be here,” I said. Connor stood bent over in my small attic doorframe. He held a plate of food, having stopped in the kitchen before he came upstairs.
“Why not?”
I closed my eyes again. “Because you’ve gotten me in enough trouble this holiday.”
“What did I do?”
“Louis saw all the pictures of us from the Christmas party. He’s pissed.” I sat up and frowned. “What are you doing here anyway? How did you know I would be home?”
He shrugged and stepped into the room. “I didn’t. Your mom invited my parents to the party. I tagged along. They said you were up here.”
I shifted my legs so they were crisscrossed. He offered me a cookie off his plate. I picked a sugar one with thick icing on the top and swiped off a hunk with my finger. “So, he’s mad?”
“Yeah,” I said, between bites. “I think he dumped me.”
“Because of a picture?”
“And the lies. I never told him you were at school with me.”
“Oh.”
“You can sit down if you want.” I pointed to the desk chair. He walked toward it, but sat down on the floor with me instead. “Yeah. I kept that from him. I don’t even know why. I guess once you start lying about things, it just sort of happens.”
“It’s hard not having someone to talk to,” he agreed. “I confided in a counselor at the program. He was into all this supernatural stuff anyway. Like Jeannie. I decided to trust him. He’s the one who helped me realize I could handle this without the drugs. He taught me how to work with the ghosts, not against them.”
“I don’t think I could ever tell Louis.”
“Then it was probably never going to work anyway,” Connor said, before cramming a cookie into his mouth. He stretched his legs across my floor. He always looked so big in here. Even bigger now.
“Probably not.”
We sat quietly across from one another, careful not to touch. The music from my iPod filled the silence between us. I pushed my hair
back and said, “On the topic of being honest, I should probably tell you some things.”
“Okay.”
“Like, ever since I fought with Charlotte something has been weird – with me. I feel like she got to me somehow.”
“How?”
“It’s like she left her fingerprints on my insides. Like she left a part of herself – no, that’s not right. A smudge or smear. A thumbprint.”
Connor leaned forward and frowned. “Does it hurt?”
“No, it doesn’t hurt, but there’s just this blackness that I feel sometimes.” He still looked confused, and a little pissed. “I’ve felt off since then. I’ve been sad and depressed. Cold inside. I crave warmth and energy.”
“Energy?”
“Yes, energy. Something that fills me up and makes me feel less sad or lonely. Like, right now, I’d give anything to fill this stupid hole in my chest.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Jane?”
The intensity behind his eyes scared me. “Nothing. You wouldn’t get it.”
“No? You don’t think so? Because it sounds an awful lot like how I felt when I was self-medicating.”
“What? It’s not like that at all. God, I knew you would overreact. Just like Evan,” I muttered.
“Evan?” Connor tilted his head like he was trying to see me clearly. I refused to look him in his accusatory eyes, but he stood up and walked to the door. Through clenched teeth, he said, “Wait here.”
I waited, not because he told me to, but because where was I going to go? I heard his boots on the wooden stairs and was unsurprised when he came back in, not alone, but with Jeannie. I shot him a dirty look and said, “You told on me?”
“Payback sucks.”
My aunt pushed past him and into the room. “He didn’t tattle, Jane. He’s worried.”
I picked myself up off the floor and said, “Look, everything is okay. I’m fine. Is it a big surprise that something changed when Charlotte tried to body snatch me? She was in my body. But, amazingly, what happened was a good thing. A great thing.”
Grave Possession (Wraith 3) Page 10
