Gretchen pulls her up, taking Ella around the table to give kisses and hugs to everyone before Luca smothers her with love, then pulls Gretchen down to kiss her too.
“My mommy,” Ella whines, hitting at Luca’s face, and we all laugh.
“Yes, she is.” Luca smiles as Gretchen winks at him and takes Ella inside to give back to Rose, their nanny.
I turn to finish my conversation with Sarah, but she stands, and my eyes lift to her face as she reaches for my empty glass. “Do you want a refill?”
Conversation tabled.
“I’d love one.” My hand absentmindedly finds her hip, giving her ass a tiny pat.
“Anyone else?” she asks as Drew stands up to help her.
The guys shake their heads, and the girls walk inside the house, leaving us alone. The very moment the door closes, the two buffoons in front of me raise their eyebrows.
Luca spreads his arms wide open in a “what the fuck” expression as Dom points a finger at me, nodding his head.
Jesus.
“Everything. Now. Come on.” Dom smirks.
“You two are fucking exhausting. I’ll give you two questions each, and then we’re done with another episode of the fucking Brady Bunch.”
My brothers look at each other and nod, each tossing questions at me left and right.
Motherfuckers.
I shake my head and start laughing.
“Quit, dicks. All right. All right,” I forfeit as they laugh and drumroll on the table.
I take a deep breath and narrow my eyes, ready to admit something to them I haven’t said to her.
“She’s a problem,” I state frankly.
Their faces grow more serious, the amusement beginning to fade.
“Because you love her,” Luca surmises, tapping his finger on the table.
I nod, sitting silent, crossing my arms over my chest.
Dominic angles in toward the table, rubbing his scruff. “And you don’t want to bring her in knowing what you know. How this life eats away at you?”
My eyes meet Dom’s as he finishes, and I answer, “Yeah. And she still’s considering leaving.”
Luca reclines back into his chair, bringing his drink to his lips, a smirk fixed on his face. “I hate to break it to you, Dante, but that girl isn’t scared of anything, least of all the shit you bring to the table. She just needs you to give her a reason to stay.”
I consider what he’s saying. I need to tell her the truth—all of it.
Dominic gives a small laugh and picks his drink up as well. “She was made for you, brother. And what or who is ever going to get through you in order to hurt her?”
I shrug with a bit of arrogance, knowing the answer is nothing. I’ll protect her at all costs. Against anyone. Even herself.
Luca huffs a laugh, tossing his napkin at me. “And if something does manage to make it past you, D, then it has to go through me, Dom, Nico, Vincenzo, fucking Matteo, and Antonio.”
Dom nods his head and smacks the table. “What’s important to you is important to us, Dante. It goes both ways. This is family. So, love your girl and be done with it.”
My eyes travel inside, through the glass, and see her standing at the bar.
“And if she tries to run again?”
“Don’t let her,” Luca answers with a wink.
I won’t.
“You don’t suck, you know that?” I chuckle. “You’re ugly and dumb as fuck, but you’re all right as far as brothers go.”
They toss shit at me from the table, and we laugh as the girls walk back outside, staring at us like we’ve lost it.
I’VE BEEN WATCHING HIM ALL night. Watching the way that he laughs, the way he loves the jokes his brothers make about each other, and all the light that seems to have taken over his face.
He’s so different but the same. I feel as if I’ve seen every side to Dante now. I wonder how many people can say that?
His arm hangs across the back of my chair while he laughs at something Luca’s said, and I find myself smiling too. I wish I could crawl into his lap and nuzzle into his neck, wrapped in his arms. Jesus. What’s happening to me? He’s tamed me, and it only took a week.
Real badass, Sarah.
Right on cue, Dante looks up at me and winks through the glass that separates us.
“Oh, shit, girl. You’ve got it bad.” Gretchen smiles, joining me and Drew at the bar.
I’d planned on getting Dante a refill and a water for myself, but Drew has me parked on a barstool while she makes some disgusting-looking chocolate concoction she wants me to try.
“What?” I counter, looking away from Gretchen’s scrutiny.
“Don’t ‘what’ me. It’s written all over your face. You’ve fallen for Dante.”
“He’s easy to fall for. And I don’t like to share my things, so I put that shit on lockdown,” I joke with a shrug, hoping humor will stop the inquisition.
Gretchen starts to laugh, and Drew looks at me shocked. My eyes drift outside, and he looks at me, tilting his head and giving me a little nod—his way of asking if I’m good. I reassure him with a wink.
Is it possible to fall harder than love? Because that’s where I’m headed.
My face pales as I turn back, seeing the drink Drew just put in front of me. I lower down and take a sniff. Shaking my head, I turn and meet Gretchen’s smiling face.
“I am not drinking this. I adore you, Drew, but no, babe.” I say wide eyed and politely push the martini glass back toward her.
Gretchen lets out a loud laugh and looks at Drew. “Buddy, it’s gross. Stop trying to make that nasty-ass drink. You keep trying to kill someone. Stop it.”
Drew purses her lips and points between us.
“Hookers, it’s delish…just take a sip.”
“You take a sip. I’m not dying today,” Gretchen says with a straight face.
Drew rolls her eyes and looks to me.
“No,” I answer, dragging out the word, and chuckling at the end.
Drew picks up the glass and brings it to her lips, taking a small dainty sip. Without saying a word, she turns around and empties the contents into the sink as we both erupt into laughter.
“Fine.” She grabs a bottle of wine. “But G is right—you are so hot for Dante, and honestly, I’ve never seen him so smitten before.”
“I swear I thought he was gay.” Gretchen smiles, tilting her head to take in the guys’ boisterous conversation.
Drew swats her shoulder. “G, that was wishful thinking.” Gretchen’s head swings back to us.
“True.” Gretchen shrugs. “Man on man is hot. But he’s never brought a girl here or anywhere for that matter.”
Holding out my wineglass for Drew as she wiggles the bottle at me, I look over my shoulder. I can’t help the smile that lives inside of me at the thought that I’m the first…and last?
Not if I leave.
“He’s definitely not gay.” I smirk, taking a sip of my wine.
“I knew it. You had sex at my wedding, didn’t you?” Gretchen teases.
“No…it was after.” I laugh, and they almost explode.
Questions are lobbied at me left and right. I can barely turn them down before they ask something else.
“I’m not telling details. I’m just saying he’s pretty amazing and knows what he’s doing. The end. Now stop asking—this is why I don’t have friends.”
Drew rolls her eyes at me and shakes her head. But Gretchen tilts her head toward me. “You know, these guys aren’t like other men. When they set their sights on something, nothing stands in their way.”
“You act as if I don’t have a choice,” I muse, taking a sip of wine.
Drew leans over the bar, touching her finger against my bracelet, and gives me a knowing wink. “It’s cute you pretend you want the choice.”
I take another sip of my wine, wondering just how kinky the King brothers are.
Gretchen smiles at me then looks outside at Luca. “Love is never a choice. I
t’s an affliction that you’ll want to die of. And there’s no better love than one from a man who wallows in his devotion to you.”
We’re both pushed into silence at her words. I stare at the rim of my wineglass and think about the word devotion, because I think that’s what’s after love. The thing I’ve been headed toward. I’m devoted to him, and the idea that I could leave is unimaginable. But then so was the idea that I would spend my life running from my family.
I’ll do what I need to in the end because I’m devoted to him, in spite of my love.
When I look up, the girls are watching me, waiting for me to say something, so I go with the truth.
“I love him. There, I said it. But I don’t know if he loves me back, and I’m not sure it’s enough to weather the storm my life brings,” I confess quietly.
Drew comes from around the bar and stands next to me. “If you need someone strong, then you found him. I don’t think there’s anything Dante can’t handle.”
Gretchen nods. “Yeah, and he’s gone over you—there’s nothing that he won’t try and handle.”
I give her a soft laugh, knowing she recognizes his bulldozing ways. Taking the empty glass that’s Dante’s drink, I hand it to a smiling Drew for a refill. “Maybe, but everything is so complicated that it makes me unsure where that leaves us.”
Gretchen rolls her eyes at me and takes one of my hands. “There’s nothing complicated about your life for him. You two speak the same language, Sarah. He’s perfect for you. If he were a baker or an accountant, I’d worry for you two. But he isn’t. Get out of his way, and let him love you back.”
First, he has to say it.
Drew brings Dante’s refilled drink back to me and grins. “You can ignore us, but don’t say we didn’t warn you. That man wants you. Nothing will stand in his way, Sarah.”
My brow furrows at her words, and I look between her eyes and Gretchen’s.
“Not even you,” Gretchen warns, grabbing her wine and walking toward the door.
The drive back to Dante’s is quiet. Our unfinished conversation hangs over our heads like a dark cloud. The rest of the night seemed to go by fine, but I could tell it was on his mind, needling him. He kept staring at me like he was deciding what to do with me.
I reach for his hand, sliding my much smaller one into his palm. Dante closes his around mine, but he keeps his head turned, staring out the passenger window.
“Are we ever going to talk about it?” I whisper to his profile.
“Did you have a good time tonight?” he answers flatly, finally turning his head toward mine.
I guess not.
I nod, hating how off we feel. With my free hand, I unbuckle my seat belt and close the space between us, crawling into his lap. I want to be close to him; we might be sitting inches from one another, but he feels a million miles away.
“Billy,” he breathes out, tipping his head back again to look at the ceiling of the car. The way he says my name sounds like regret.
And I know it’s my fault. I placed that acid on his tongue.
I don’t say anything, choosing to just stay curled in his lap with my head on his shoulder and held close by his strong arms. The entire time I lie on him, I listen to him breathing, the steady rhythm of his heart beating inside his body as his hand trails up and down my back.
How do I walk away from him?
Before I knew him this way, I would’ve slipped right out of the door and never given it a second thought because leaving was the only choice. It was the only one I could make to protect the people who I’ve come to love here, but now all I want to do is stay.
If I stay, I put everyone in danger. How do I do that…even in the name of love?
The car slows to a stop, and I drag my head from my Dante pillow and look into his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, hoping it’s accepted for everything I’m planning to do.
His face is serious, not a hint of tenderness, as if he understands everything I mean. I search his deep hazel eyes as his features become hard and removed. Dante’s eyes falter, and the man I know, the one I love, disappears.
“There’s something you need to know,” he says gruffly.
It’s the way he says it that tells me that whatever I’m about to hear is going to be hated by my soul. Dante lifts me off his lap, pushing me into my seat as if he’s discarding me. His door is opened, and he steps out, holding his hand out for me to take. The freezing night air bursts inside the car, so I hand his jacket out to him before putting on my own.
I duck my head and take his hand to join him outside on the sidewalk in front of an older building. My head swings around as I begin to realize that we’re a block up from my apartment.
“What’s going on?” I question, fear creeping up my spine.
The last time I was here, I saw Christopher.
Dante stares at me with unreadable eyes—ones that feel like they’re burning right through me.
“Dante.” I squeeze his hand. “What’s going on?”
Blinking, he looks away from me, and my stomach begins to fall. “Come with me,” he directs, stalking forward and pulling me inside the concrete building. I’m immediately ushered up one flight of stairs. The old, dank linoleum cracks under our footsteps as we walk, announcing our presence.
Dante stops in front of an apartment with a tarnished number 4 on the door, and I look down the hall, noticing the old tattered wallpaper and the busted light on the wall. He reaches for the handle, twisting and opening it.
Stepping inside, he motions with his head for me to enter. Everything inside of me says to run. To refuse. And with every look I give him, the angrier he becomes.
“In,” he demands, repeating the head jerk.
I hesitate but move, slowly looking up at his face as I pass him. Dante follows me in and shuts the door behind him as I wrap my arms around my center, turning to look at him in the middle of the disheveled pigsty.
“This is where your father and brother were staying. After they called you that night, when they got a look at who you were with…that was all it took. They split.”
All the breath leaves my body. They were around the corner…and for how long? The thought makes me physically ill.
“How long were they here? Watching me?”
“We found them two days after you were brought to my home.”
“So, you’ve known where they were all this time? You lied to me.”
“I didn’t think I had a choice…I was right.”
I turn and look around, noticing little things, like the empty pack of menthols on the counter—the brand my brother smokes. The ones he was smoking when he called me the other night.
My eyes jump to the small kitchenette and see the empty bottles of Bushmills cheap Irish whiskey that litter the countertops, and I can smell my father’s breath on my neck again. He was always such a sick bastard when he was drunk, loving to knock me around. Come to think of it, he was just as sick when he was sober.
“Why did you bring me here?” I bite out angrily, hating all the emotions brewing inside of me. “If they’re gone, what does any of this matter?”
Dante levels a glare at me. “Because I need you to make up your fucking mind. Tonight, my brother told me to give you a reason to stay. And I kept thinking about what I could say that would be reason enough. Because it’s clear that I’m not.”
His voice is shredded with contempt when he says it. I can feel all the hurt I’m causing him. And it almost breaks me. This rough, cruel, domineering man is begging for me to need him. To choose him. Because god knows his mother didn’t.
No matter which way I turn, my decisions hurt people.
I take a step toward him, ready to beg him not to hurt anymore, but he shakes his head. “No, don’t do that. Don’t act like you care. It’s funny—I thought if I told you how I feel…but you know how I feel. I know you do. And just now…down in the car, when you said sorry. That’s when I saw your lie.”
Al
l I can do is shake my head as the lump forms in my throat.
“If you loved me, you could never walk away,” he accuses.
My voice answers in a whisper. “If you loved me, you could never let me become a monster.”
He laughs and tightens his fists with all the energy and intensity of a caged animal, but I don’t stop talking now that my voice has found its way out.
“You’re the only reason I want to stay. But think about what that means, Dante. How do you know they won’t come back? Try something? I can’t risk hurting the people you love, all the same people who I’ve come to love. But goddammit, all I want to do is turn my back on them because of how I feel about you.” Tears prick at my eyes as I will him to hear me. “And that makes me a monster.”
Dante laughs menacingly and punches the flimsy Formica countertop. He looks at me, tensing his jaw, rage behind his eyes. “You don’t fucking get it. You still don’t understand. Look around, Sarah,” he roars, opening his arms wide. “You’re so fucking afraid of these pricks and what they could do that you don’t see that I’m the scariest goddamn monster you know. I’m the fucking nightmare, and I was yours.”
His arms drop as his chest heaves in breaths. My hands cover my mouth, holding in all the words I want to argue with, everything I want to hurl at him to prove him wrong, to push back and scream at him.
I hold it all in.
Because it’s now, in this moment, that I realize I’ve withheld the one thing Dante has been needing from me. My submission.
He wants me to turn my back on everything and everyone, to make him my singular focus, and to let him handle the rest because he can. And he will. I’m not alone unless I choose to be. He’d protect everyone for me.
That’s his “I love you.”
Dante’s face is a mask of anger and hurt…and it’s the latter that’s scary. It makes him cruel. He wants me to hurt because I’ve ripped out his heart, but I can put it back together.
He walks over to me and takes my ponytail in his hand, letting it weave through his fingers as he looks down at me.
“Maybe you need to be reminded of how cold it is without me.”
Depraved Page 18
