by Lena North
“Like this,” he said in response to my question.
I shifted my head around to look at him and faced a camera. This was in no way unusual, and I was used to Nick taking pictures of just about anything. That he could make his living from it was a surprise, though.
“You’re a photographer?”
“Sort of,” he said, and moved a little to take another picture of me.
“Are you any good at it?”
“Good enough,” he muttered. “Lean your head on your arms and look at the ocean.”
“’Kay,” I mumbled and did as he told me.
The waves rolled in slowly, and I felt my eyelids droop slightly. I’d spent a good part of the night re-reading the sheets with information I got from Wilder, but I was still getting nowhere in finding anything in them that seemed to link the people I’d met with drug trade or covert kidnappings on the mainland. It didn’t help that they were incredibly informal in Croxier, and used first names at best and nicknames most of the time, although I had started to link some of the people I’d met with the names in the list of Jamie’s relatives. The ones Jamie had been closest to growing up had been his brother and cousin, the other two who had been in the abusive research program with him. The sleazy guy called Don that I’d met at the restaurant my first night on the Islands was about the right age and looked quite a lot like Jamie.
He hadn’t exactly seemed like a genius, though, and I’d been searching the net for more information about him when I heard boats approaching. It had seemed unlikely that it was drug related because they would surely not bring illegal shipments straight into Croxier harbor, but I went out with my bird to take a look anyway. I climbed up the backside of the old courthouse and waited on the roof as Joao and two of Nick’s other cousins had brought their boats in. They promptly started to unload several crates, disappearing into a small shack to the side with them. My brows went up, and I sent the bird to take a closer look.
She’d come back almost immediately, and said with laughter in her voice, “Fish.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yummy-yummy. No stinking powder or pills.”
Then Joao came out with a foldable table, and I’d spent over an hour watching them gut and clean their catch, feeling more than a little bit ridiculous.
“Sleepy?”
Nick’s murmur interrupted my thoughts, and I smiled as I turned a little, stretching with the movement. Our eyes met, and the mood suddenly shifted. His eyes darkened, and he pressed his lips together. I wondered what his mouth would feel like on mine and let my eyelids droop a little to hide my eyes, and my thoughts.
“Jesus, Snow,” he murmured and raised the camera.
Before I could react, he’d snapped a couple of pictures, and then he put the camera to the side.
“Careful,” I warned him. “You don’t want sand on your equipment. It looks expensive?”
My voice was a little forced, and I felt awkward. Nick was a good friend, and maybe I thought that he was hot, but I hadn’t made a pass at him, and he hadn’t tried anything either.
“What were you thinking about just now, snowy Snow?” he asked as he lay down next to me.
“Sleeping,” I murmured.
“Nuh-uh,” he said, and a smile started to show in his eyes. “Try again.”
He was slowly leaning toward me, and I held my breath. Then we heard voices coming our way, and Nick moved back a little. A family came walking, waving cheerfully before they started to unload tons of beach paraphernalia. Their kids ran toward the water, and we sat up slowly.
The mother was busy sorting out their things, but the father walked over. “Sorry,” he said. “Didn’t mean to disturb you, we can try to find another spot.”
The moment was anyhow gone, so I smiled at the man and shook my head.
“No need, we’re leaving soon,” I said and smirked at Nick. “We’re picking up a scooter for me.”
It had taken more than a day to convince Nick that I needed one, and he’d been grumbling about my inexperience with Croxier traffic, and general inability to drive slowly. He was right about what he said, but since he’d never seen me on a scooter, I’d argued successfully that I would be careful. I’d also told him in no uncertain terms that he anyway didn’t get to tell me what to do, and that he could either help me find a scooter or I’d do it on my own. He’d grumbled some more but called someone who agreed to let me rent their scooter.
I needed the vehicle to move around more easily – but also, so I could get around without Nick.
We’d left Nick’s parents shortly after I saw the field of weed, and Pauline had luckily mistaken my confusion for grief about my parents, which wasn’t entirely incorrect anyway. I accepted her apologies, walked over to where Nick was standing with his father and then we left. The older couple had been tense again as we said goodbye, and I heard Nicholas ask Nick quietly if we were coming back.
“Your room is still here, son,” he murmured.
“I know, Papa,” Nick said. “I’ll bunk with Josie for a few more days, then we’ll see.”
I wasn’t sure if he’d intended for me to hear his comment about some unknown girl but I did, and I didn’t like it, so before I could stop myself, I asked, “Josie?”
My voice was unhappy, and for some reason this made him laugh, loudly and happily. His parents watched him with wide eyes, then me, and then him again.
“My cousin, Joao. Used to call him that when I was little.”
I laughed too then, wondering what the big, confident man thought about being called Josie, but then again – Nicks nickname was Dee which was girly too, so maybe it wasn’t a big deal.
Nick’s parents were smiling when we left, waving as we went down the hill toward Croxier. They had acted strangely, but their home and the surroundings seemed so normal, and I couldn’t for the life of me reconcile their sweet ways with dealing drugs. I had watched Nick carefully since then, though. Jamie had said that he had a liberal view on drugs, which I interpreted to mean that he used them, although it seemed ridiculous to me. We spent most of our time together since we arrived on the Islands and I hadn’t once seen him act as if he was partaking of anything stronger than a few beers.
When we got to the small garage in town, I was giddy and when we drove off, Nick on his bike and me on a sweet, blue scooter, I laughed out loud. That laughter died when we came to a straight stretch of the road along the beach, and I realized that I couldn’t go full throttle. Or rather, that full throttle meant going way slower than I wanted. I hit the brakes and rounded on Nick before he’d even turned off his engine.
“What did you have them do to this vehicle?”
He didn’t even pretend to not understand and didn’t hesitate to put a finger in my face and snap back at me.
“I’ve lost too many already, Snow. You want a scooter? Fine. That’s the scooter you get, and I give you fair warning now – I find you driving without a helmet, it’s gone so fast you won’t even know what happened.”
“Wh –”
“And yes, I know that right now, I’m totally dictating what you can and can’t do.”
I blinked and glared at him, but his words about how he’d lost too many already kept repeating in my head. He’d lost his sister, but I hadn’t heard about anyone else. I suddenly realized that I didn’t know him as well as I thought.
“Do what he says, Snow,” my bird suddenly said.
I turned to look up at her.
“You too?”
“Want you safe. Unharmed. Alive.”
I sighed and shook my head.
“Oh, alright,” I muttered.
“Thanks!” Nick called out to my bird.
She shrieked as she made a small turn around him and he grinned at her.
“Lovebird,” I mumbled.
“Totally,” she giggled and swept out over the open sea.
My phone pinged out a signal that I had a message, and I
pulled it out, happy for the diversion. While I read the short text from Jamie, confirming that he was flying in the same night and would be at my doorstep early the next morning, Nick accepted a phone call. He strolled off so I couldn’t hear what he said until the very end when he came back.
“Okay, I said I would so I will,” he muttered. “Yeah. Okay. Tomorrow.”
He pushed the phone into his back pocket with an annoyed huffing sound.
“Jamie is coming tonight,” I said hesitantly.
They must know each other, and probably quite well. They were about the same age, and even though Jamie had left the Islands when he was fifteen to attend University, he would have been back to visit.
“Great,” Nick said. “I can’t sail with you tomorrow, but the geek can take you.”
The geek could take me? I knew for a fact that I was just as good as Nick at sailing, and I was quite sure I was better than Jamie. He must have seen the look on my face because he grinned suddenly.
“Don’t give me the evil eye, Snow. I know you handle a boat better than anyone I’ve ever met. You haven’t sailed these waters though, and there are reefs and currents that aren’t visible from the surface. Anyone growing up here knows the areas to avoid with a small boat. You don’t.”
Oh. That made sense and I felt stupid.
“Do you know Jamie?” I asked to move us away from talking about how I’d jumped to conclusions.
Nick raised his brows and started to grin again.
“Of course I do, Snow. Same age as his older brother, practically grew up with them. Jamie skipped a few grades, so we all graduated the same year.”
I blinked and wondered if I’d heard what I just heard. Had Nick grown up with Jamie? This was something he hadn’t bothered to mention on any of the occasions I’d told him how I’d be going to the movies or have dinner with Jamie.
“You grew up together?” I asked for clarification.
“Sure. A whole bunch of us are the same age more or less, you’ve seen that.”
Oh. Well, that sounded slightly different.
“I don’t know you very well, do I?”
He leaned down toward me and said quietly, “You know the parts that count, Snow.”
When he turned and got up on his bike again, I called out to him, “Will you tell me about the other parts? The ones that don’t count?”
His whole face softened, and he tilted his head a little to the side.
“Do you want to know about them, snowy Snow?”
“I think so,” I said, and added more decisively, “Yes. I do.”
“Okay,” he said softly. “Tomorrow you sail with the geek, and he’ll want to hang with you on Sunday too. When he’s left, maybe you’ll have dinner with me, on my back porch?”
We’d had dinner every night in the past week, and tons of times before, but this felt different. It felt like he was asking me on a date.
“Okay,” I echoed, hoping I was doing the right thing.
When we got back to his house Nick gave my cheek a soft caress with the back of his hand and drove off. I watched him disappear in a cloud of dust and wondered if changing how things had been between us in the past year would also change who we were together. It probably would, although if it would be for the better or if it would destroy things, I didn’t know. I spent the first part of the evening turning things around in my head, but when that led to absolutely nothing I went online instead, and spent the rest of the night chatting with my friends in Prosper, who were going paragliding later that week. I missed them.
It took a long time for me to fall asleep and that night I dreamt about my mother. Her beautiful face was twisted into an ugly mask of anger, and her eyes were bottomless pits of grief. “If it weren’t for you,” she said hoarsely, over and over again.
I woke up crying desperately and went down to the water without giving myself time to calm down. I kept walking, and then swimming, far out into the ocean. When my arms were burning, and the tears had stopped flowing down my cheeks, I stopped and turned to float on my back, to look at the stars twinkling at me from a dark sky. The moon painted a silvery path back toward the shore and the night was so painfully beautiful.
Maybe I should just stay there? Maybe I should just keep floating until there was no return.
Suddenly there was movement in the water around me. For a fleeting moment, I thought it was sharks, but then I recognized how the fins curved backward.
“Let’s go home, Snow,” my bird prodded gently.
A chirping sound echoed next to me as if the dolphin agreed with my bird. One of the dark shapes came so close I could have stretched my hand out to touch it. Then the dolphin started swimming slowly toward the shore, stopped and looked at me until I started moving toward it, and continued to lead the way until my feet touched the sand.
I sat there, exhausted and sad, worrying that one day I wouldn’t find my way back. For so many years I had wanted to… Not die, exactly. Just stop existing, somehow, although I wondered if what I really wanted most of all was simply to find peace, with my past and with myself.
Mary had told me to talk to someone, and maybe I should. I could talk to Dante. Jamie would understand parts of what I’d been through. Or maybe my grandmother, Mrs. C?
Suddenly a name echoed in my thoughts, and I knew.
When I came to the point where I could talk about the parts of my past I’d never shared with anyone, I’d talk to my uncle.
Chapter Nine
I’m so excited
When Jamie knocked on the door the next morning, I had already taken the water samples and was in the process of surveying my depressing fridge for breakfast options. There were yogurt and some milk, but not much else. I detested the instant porridge that Nick seemed to eat barrels of each morning so some yogurt with granola would have to do.
“Sweeties for a sweetie,” Jamie said with a crooked grin and held a bag out in front of him.
I recognized the bag, and the scent of freshly baked croissants, and snatched it out of his hand.
“I could kiss you,” I called out as I walked toward the breakfast bar. “Come in. Do you want coffee?”
“Does a vulture shit on its legs?” he asked and my hand froze, hovering mid-air over the swanky coffee maker.
“Is that a no?”
He leaned over the counter and pressed the button on the espresso machine.
“That would be a very firm yes,” he said.
Yikes. That was a hilarious piece of information in more ways than Jamie could imagine.
“It’s good to see you, Snow. How are things?”
His eyes were gentle, and he seemed relaxed as he ambled over to get cups for the coffee, and plates for the croissants.
Over breakfast, we talked about his work in the hospital, and the project I was assigned to that had taken me to the Islands. I had a bunch of questions, and as we worked through them, we laughed, mostly because he kept making jokes about my incredibly dull professor. Then we walked over to the marina and the small catamarans.
I’d borrowed a cat a couple of times already, and I loved it. The first time, Joao had taken me out and then Nick had been with me, and he was clearly familiar with the small catamarans. Jamie wasn’t. He knew the basics, but it was obvious that he wasn’t very experienced, and when I asked him, he admitted that he didn’t like it very much.
“My brother loved it, and I went out with him when I was a kid. Tommy took too many risks, though. I spent most of the time with them holding on to anything I could find, scared shitless they’d turn us over.”
“Did you ever?”
“Turn over?”
“Yeah.”
He grinned ruefully and snorted, “Never. At least, not ever with me in the boat, though I’m pretty sure they were in plenty of trouble when I wasn’t around.”
“Was he a good sailor?”
“The best.”
“I’m sorry you lost
him, Jamie,” I murmured, but had to pretend I adjusted the sail when I saw the look in his eyes.
“Yeah,” he sighed after a while. “We weren’t close. Too different, I guess… You know what I looked like, and I was such a nerd. Always reading. Studying. He was big and strong. Brave. Until that last year, he was my hero in so many ways. I wanted so very much to be like him and our cousin.”
“What happened?”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, but at the same time; I was curious. I also sensed that Jamie wanted to talk about it.
“Our cousin got him hooked on drugs. I was at Uni, so I didn’t realize… Or maybe I didn’t want to, I don’t know. I came home for the summer, and he was a wreck, stoned out of his mind. He’d lost so much weight, and he looked… Dead. The look in his eyes was one of death. Then he killed himself. Drowned.”
Our eyes met, and neither of us spoke for a long while.
“You’re sure he killed himself? It couldn’t have been an accident?” I asked quietly.
“It wasn’t an accident.”
His words seemed final, and I nodded.
“He was at that hospital with you? The one Jiminella was in too?”
“Yes. Awful place. Awful experiments. I got out of there mostly unharmed, but they destroyed Tommy. He never told me what they did to him, but it must have been worse than what they did to the rest of us.”
“Some just have softer souls.”
I winced when I heard what I said, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. My father had told me those words once when my mother had been upset, and I’d been frightened by her seemingly uncontrollable wailing. “Don’t be afraid, baby-girl. Your ma has a softer soul, so she feels more than others, that’s all,” he’d said.
“I know what happened to your parents,” Jamie murmured, and my eyes flew to his.
“Jamie…”
“You don’t talk about it, and that’s fine. I respect that. Just wanted you to know that I know and that I admire how strong you are.”
