Colin shook his head. “No one has ever ordered a drink for me before. I think I like it.” He leaned forward and took Hernán’s hand. “I also liked you warning off the waiter.”
Hernán’s face colored. “I didn’t like the way he was looking at you. All possessive, like he…” Hernán glanced at their joined hands and abruptly dropped Colin’s. “Oh. Did you and the waiter… Do you see each other?”
“I’ve never gone out with Ivan, no.” Colin couldn’t help the smug tone he heard edge his own voice as he added, “Besides, the guy I’m seeing is so much hotter than Ivan could ever hope to be.”
Hernán blushed and reached again for Colin’s hand, and then stopped abruptly. He looked around the room, wide-eyed, to see if anyone had noticed. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking—”
“Everyone who matters knows I’m gay, Nán. I’ve never seen a reason to hide it.”
“That’s amazing to me,” Hernán said with a sigh. “I’ve hidden all my life.” He closed his eyes and looked as if he heard someone speaking, but then he shook his head. He leaned forward again and his voice when he spoke was low and tormented. “It’s been tearing me up, Colin. I feel so much for you, but I’ve always been told it’s wrong.”
Light dawned, and his understanding of the awkward evening and morning shifted around. “Is that why you were so cold to me?” Hernán flushed in confirmation. “I figured it was more than worrying about your application. I thought you regretted what we’d done.”
“No, not regrets. Just, I’m sorry—” Hernán began, but Colin cut him off.
“No, I’m sorry. I tried like hell to control myself but I see now I’ve pushed you too much.” Worry flared up in Colin, tangled with shame. “Did you feel like you had to kiss me or…the other stuff? Because I was helping you?” He winced in anticipation of the answer.
Hernán said earnestly, “Everything I did with you was because I wanted to.” Colin breathed easier but it was Hernán’s turn to wince. “I wanted it and I put you at risk. I’m a swine, like my grandmother always said.”
Colin wanted to yell at Hernán’s grandmother or to just hug him, but Ivan returned with their cocktails. Oblivious to the tension, he set glasses before them on paper napkins. With an eye on Hernán, he intoned in a drawl he probably meant to be sultry, “Here we are, gentlemen. Now, can I get you anything to snack on? Would you like to see the bar menu?”
“No,” Hernán said through gritted teeth. “Thank you. This will be fine.” He waited until Ivan had sashayed away before picking up his beer and taking a big gulp.
Colin sipped at his cocktail. He rehearsed in his head what he wanted to say before putting down his glass and leaning forward to take Hernán’s free hand. Hernán tensed at the move, and then seemed consciously to relax. “Please listen to me, Nán. Nothing we did put me at risk and I really want you to get that out of your head. If you’re willing, I want to do it again and again and again.”
Alarm shot across Hernán’s face and he started to protest but Colin talked right over him. “We’ll use condoms and I’ll go on this preventive medication they have now. PrEP, I think it’s called. We can ask Chris about other ways to stay safe because I know it matters to you. And I appreciate your concern for me. If you want to stick to touching and kissing, well, okay. I’d regret it because you show tremendous promise as a world-class top.”
Colin paused until he saw a small smile and glint of pride appear on Hernán’s face. “But you never have to do anything with me that makes you uncomfortable. The only thing you could do to hurt me is to walk away from this.” Hernán’s eyes took on a sheen, and his own burned.
“Will you do me a favor?” Colin continued, his throat tight. “Let’s forget all the heavy shit for tonight. We’ve spent a lot of time together, but we haven’t been on a real date. I’d like to have a quiet drink with you here and flirt. I want to take you for a really great, expensive, indulgent dinner and not hear a word of protest from you about the cost. I want to go home with you afterward and sleep in the same bed.”
He smiled and went on. “You don’t have to put out, seeing as it’s our first date, but I really hated sleeping alone last night, knowing you were just down the hall.
“So. How does that all sound?”
Hernán blinked rapidly and seemed unable to speak for a moment. Finally he answered, his voice thick with emotion. “It sounds wonderful. I hated sleeping without you too.”
Colin released Hernán’s hand and settled back into his club chair with his vodka tonic. He took a sip, and waited until Hernán did the same.
He had no illusions things would suddenly be easier in the morning. HIV was manageable but still serious. Immigration status, figuring out how to make a relationship work, getting Hernán to accept his help—it was going to be a challenge. Add in the fact that eventually he would have to introduce his family, and hope the experience didn’t send Hernán running for the hills.
All of that might be tough, but Colin wasn’t afraid in the least. He wasn’t going anywhere.
He winked and said, “So, Nán. I never asked—what’s your astrological sign?”
Chapter 21
They didn’t have sex that night. When they climbed the steps to bed, though, Colin proffered his hand. Hernán took it to follow him to his room.
Colin stripped his clothes quickly and had a moment of indecision. Normally he slept in a shirt and loose pants, but he wanted to feel Hernán’s skin against his. Gambling that if he climbed into bed naked Hernán would do the same, he was relieved when Hernán dropped his clothes on a chair and joined Colin under the sheets, also nude.
They slid close together. When they were face to face, Colin gave the sweetest kiss he could manage. He tried to say everything in one simple, chaste brush of lips. Hernán smiled back at him and followed it with a “good night” before he rolled over to switch off his lamp and then shift to rest against Colin.
Colin put his glasses on the nightstand, turned off his lamp as well, and spooned himself along Hernán’s back. The warmth of the smooth body aligned with his own threatened to give him an erection, but the day’s tension, lack of sleep the night before, and cocktails with dinner put him under.
A shout dragged him abruptly awake. Hernán thrashed in the sheets and kicked out, getting Colin in the shin.
“Nán,” he said hoarsely and hesitated. Hernán moaned and twisted, shoving his hands forward while his head whipped side to side. Colin got himself out of striking range and stretched a long arm to shake Hernán’s shoulder. “Hernán. Wake up,” he said more loudly.
Hernán threw himself to a sitting position, panting. His eyes glistened in the near-darkness as he swiveled his head back and forth.
“It’s okay. You’re safe,” Colin said. Hernán turned to him, blinking, mouth open. “You’re safe,” he said again.
Hernán sighed heavily and sank back down against his pillow. “I woke you up,” he said with gravel in his throat. “I’m sorry. Did I hit you?”
“It’s fine. Do you want to talk about it?”
Hernán shook his head, glancing at Colin. “I really don’t know what it was about. Lonnie, the house…” He huffed in frustration. “I used to get these nightmares when I first lived with Rudy, but they faded away. Maybe it’s talking about him again that stirred the bad dreams. It doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter.” Colin hesitated. He wanted to ask again about seeing a therapist, but Hernán had resisted from the first time Colin mentioned it. The middle of the night, on top of Hernán’s bad news, wasn’t the right time to push it. But Hernán needed to talk to someone. He resolved to find a way to bring it up in daylight hours.
Hernán’s eyes were wide, picking up the little light in the room so they glinted as he lay on his back. After a moment, he began to roll out of the bed as he said, “I should go to my room so you can get some sleep.”
Colin reached for his arm and tugged him back down. “Please stay. For me.”
&n
bsp; Hernán hesitated, nodded and settled down on his side. Colin rolled to face the same direction and fit his back against Hernán’s front. He all but held his breath until Hernán entwined his arm with Colin’s and kissed the back of his head.
Soon he heard Hernán’s breathing slow and even out, and the arm holding him slackened as he drifted off.
Sleep was harder for Colin to find. He was trying to be everything Hernán needed, and that seemed to work for their living situation and for the immigration process. With the latest blow, though, he couldn’t help wondering if he were strong enough. His mother no doubt would say he’d done his best and he should let go before he got hurt.
But Colin wouldn’t give up on Hernán.
He tested his feelings, examining a parade of thoughts to see what reaction they provoked, looking for the weak spot he knew had to be there.
I’ve had sex with someone who’s HIV-positive.
No, no tremor of fear there. He meant what he said to Hernán, that he was confident about how safe they’d been. Colin and everyone he knew had grown up with condoms and safe sex talks. Nothing he and Hernán had done was risky.
We’ll have to be careful as long as this relationship lasts.
A niggle of concern arose from that thought. He’d heard of PrEP but didn’t know much about the drug protocol, its side effects, long term consequences or any of that. Some disappointment appeared to weigh on his mind as well. Colin had long fantasized about barebacking but he’d never indulged that desire because he’d have to be in a relationship with someone he trusted enough to take such a step. Condomless sex was likely off the table forever with Hernán.
Although…what if Colin were the top? That shouldn’t be risky. He shook his head; with what Hernán had suffered, he’d probably never be comfortable letting Colin inside him. That was a selfish set of worries in any case. Hernán was dealing with much more immediate and visceral fears. That should be their priority, not expanding their sexual relationship.
What if he leaves me and goes back to El Salvador? Or is denied legal immigration?
Those questions brought a quiver of fear, tinged with sadness. Even though they said they loved each other, the truth was they hadn’t spent enough time together yet for Colin to trust love would be sufficient. So all he could do was hope they had long enough to forge the kind of bonds they would need to survive whatever was coming their way.
Hernán might get sick.
That thought produced an earthquake in his brain. Colin had never lost a close friend to AIDS but he had known a few people who died from it. In his charmed life it had been a vague issue of concern, but it hadn’t truly touched him. His knowledge of HIV and AIDS was passive, absorbed from random news stories and anecdotes on the internet. He was sure he’d been hearing that ever-evolving drug trials had reduced infection to a manageable condition, as he’d said to Hernán, but suddenly he realized how few facts he knew.
Did the antiretrovirals work for everyone? Did it matter how long someone had been infected before they started on a drug cocktail? Hernán would fight when Colin tried to pay. Were there programs or grants Hernán could rely on to supply the needed drugs, or at least let him feel that Colin wasn’t bearing the entire cost?
And suppose the drugs didn’t work. If Hernán got sick one day, was Colin strong enough to help him through it?
Stop, he ordered himself when his chest tightened. The common thread of everything I’m thinking is that I don’t have information. Until I get that, I’m only borrowing trouble.
Surprisingly, the moment of self-awareness calmed him quickly. Gathering information meant a project. Organization. He could break his questions down into categories, find resources—Chris McCracken or HIV support groups—to get them answered, and then make sure Hernán did what he needed to take care of himself.
No, what they needed to do to protect themselves. As long as Hernán would have him, Colin would try to be the warrior Hernán claimed he could see.
Hernán began sleeping in Colin’s bed every night. Colin respected his wishes not to have sex until they returned to Chris’ office to have a serious discussion about the parameters to keep Colin safe and uninfected.
Sunday, Colin left him alone for a few hours while he went to play basketball with some friends. He invited Hernán, but didn’t push when it was clear he needed some time alone. An hour later, though, Hernán caught himself looking out a window as despair inched its way up his spine.
He imagined he could feel something wrong in his blood. He started to envision the virus as a black speck, dividing and multiplying, polluting his blood, consuming his organs… Alarmed, he grabbed his shoes and went for a long run on the basement treadmill until the rhythm of his pounding feet drove the image out of his head.
After his run and a shower, Colin had not yet returned. When the bad thoughts tried to creep back into his head, Hernán immersed himself in studying the HIV materials Chris gave him, and then worked on his immigration papers. Both activities kept his brain busy enough to hold dread at bay.
Then Colin came home from his game, and he was no longer alone.
Climbing into bed again with Colin after talking and watching TV grew increasingly natural, except for Hernán’s guilt over sex. Colin woke every morning with an erection. The first two times, he rolled away and tried to hide it before heading for a long shower. Hernán stayed in bed, knowing Colin was probably masturbating alone out of respect for his fears.
On Monday morning, when Colin moved to carry his stiff cock and tight balls into the shower, Hernán decided to act.
“Wait,” he said, his hand on Colin’s arm and butterflies in his stomach. Colin settled back onto the bed, eyes intent and cheeks red as he kept a leg bent in order to hide his predicament. The tips of Hernán’s ears burned as well. “I hate when you leave me to jack off alone. Just because I’m not ready to, uh, fuck again yet doesn’t mean there isn’t stuff I’m comfortable with. Stuff we can do together.”
“Oh?” Colin blinked, and then licked his lips. “Like what?” he asked cautiously.
Hernán slid closer, threw back the sheets and blankets, and pressed down on Colin’s bent leg until it lay flat. In the morning light that filtered into the room, his lean, naked body shone. His beautiful prick reared up over his belly, pale with a rosy-purple head.
Colin’s tousled hair, sleepy eyes and self-conscious smile made Hernán’s heart trip and his semi-hard cock flex. He maneuvered their legs together and let his length fall against Colin’s hip as he wrapped his hand around Colin’s erection.
“Would it feel good if I stroked you?” Hernán asked, looking up from under his lashes. Colin bit his lip and nodded, eyes intent. Resting his head on Colin’s chest, Hernán began lazy movements up and down the silken skin of Colin’s dick. He teased it, the way he liked to do to his own, running just fingertips lightly up and down the hard length. Clear liquid appeared at the slit and he resisted the urge to taste it, safe though that would surely be. Instead, he rotated his palm in small circles on the head, smearing precome around and earning him a hiss.
“You’re wicked, Nán,” Colin said in a throaty voice.
Hernán brushed a kiss against Colin’s chest and took firm hold of his erection again. He moved more deliberately, squeezing slightly as he approached the head, relaxing his grip as he pulled the skin back toward the root. Colin was circumcised, which fascinated him. He wanted to press his tongue flat against the pretty, unsheathed head and swab it until Colin came in his mouth.
No. Not until we clear it with Chris.
The second-best option was to make Colin feel so good with his hands that he forgot how little Hernán was able to give. He rearranged their bodies until he sat on his heels between Colin’s thighs. With his left hand he kept stroking Colin’s hard cock. With his right, he fondled Colin’s balls and ran the pads of two fingers over the skin below, before dipping down to circle against his hole.
Colin sighed contentedly and spread his
legs, inviting Hernán to drive him higher. Hernán resisted the urge to breach Colin with his fingers but he was pleased with the noises he drew out. The prick in his hand turned a deeper shade of purple as he stroked it and brought Colin closer and closer. The temptation to put it in his mouth became almost irresistible.
Colin panted and rocked his hips against Hernán’s fingers at his opening. Head pressed back to the pillow, he almost sobbed, “I want you inside me again. Aah…” He flicked a glance toward the drawer of his bedside table, and his cheeks pinked.
Colin clearly wanted to ask for something but was too embarrassed. Hand sliding steadily on Colin’s shaft, slick with the clear juice that leaked down the head from its slit, Hernán inclined his head toward the drawer. He asked, “Is there perhaps a toy in there you’d like me to push inside your ass?”
Colin’s blush deepened to a pretty shade of red as he nodded sharply. Hernán leaned over his prone boyfriend to claim a kiss, his right hand taking over the cock between their bodies while his left pulled open the drawer. He gave a quick glance and made a sound of surprise. Colin groaned and looked away, his face fast approaching scarlet.
“That’s so hot,” Hernán breathed as he reached into the assortment of dildos and other toys. Plugs. A thick red band big enough to use as a cock ring. Living with Rudy had been an education, but still he wasn’t sure about the application of everything in Colin’s drawer. He thought he’d like to learn though.
Colin peeked back at him. “It doesn’t freak you out?”
Hernán shook his head slowly. “All these shapes and sizes, Colin. You have to show me how to use them. For this morning, though, I think…” His hand hovered over the array before he pulled out a blue silicone cock. It was probably seven inches long, slightly shorter and more slender than Hernán’s erect dick. “This will do.”
He spotted a bottle of lube and grabbed that as well. Releasing Colin’s flesh, he examined the toy. “Do you like this one?” he asked as he coated it with lubricant in a twisting motion to make sure it was slippery. Colin nodded and twisted his lower lip. He was still red but not as alarmingly so.
Asylum (Pride and Joy Book 2) Page 23
