“Dissolve it? You told me to marry her. I want to be married to her!”
“I know, but now I think I made the wrong decision. We know Rose better and the home life that drove her to us. If the church feels that an annulment is the right thing, that the union is not honoring to God, then she could start over, and you could find a more suitable woman.”
Joel’s emotions were in a stewpot, spattering and boiling over. He began to pace. “I can find one more suitable?” This is what Rose often feels like. The world is suddenly insensible, and all words are trapped inside.
Daed looked away. “We’re not saying Rose isn’t a fine girl. I love her, but what if my decision about your marriage set her life on a course that could be very wrong? You two haven’t made a physical commitment to each other, and there has to be a reason for that.”
Joel found his tongue. “We’re a family. What are you thinking? Do you have any idea what it would do to your grandchildren to lose the only mother they apparently remember? Besides, she’s made more of a commitment than you know. And she loves Mose, Levi, and Grace as if they were her own.”
Daed nodded. “I know, and I hate the thought of the pain that her leaving would cause. But not consummating your vows for four years? That doesn’t strike me as just an unhappy marriage but also one that’s not interested in multiplying. As I’m the one who insisted on it, I must try to make this right for everyone. Since she’s a mother to the children, maybe she would choose to stay in Forest Hill. But would you make that decision for her because of your children?”
Joel’s heart seemed to stop, and his mind played a series of unrelated images. He wanted to tell them that Rose would never choose to leave, that she loved him, but his lips were as numb as his body. If given the right to leave, she would choose to stay with him, wouldn’t she? Crossing back to the table, he took a seat again.
“Son, talk to her about this. Explain the situation, and let her choose. Your Mamm and I will pray without ceasing that she chooses to be your wife as God meant the relationship to be.”
The preacher drummed the table with his thumb. “The decision will not be left in your Daed’s hands. Clearly he’s too invested to look at this objectively. As men of God, the bishop and preachers in my community will take time to figure out whether we can, in good conscience, allow a marriage to be annulled. Vows were made—but to become one and produce children for the good of the community and the faith. You and Rose have not fulfilled that obligation, whatever your reasons.”
Joel looked out of the corner of his eye at the preacher, and the man went quiet.
Daed cleared his throat. “Now that I’ve said my piece about the annulment and Rose, let me add that I’m bringing this to you first. The issue must be discussed, but we thought you should know and that Rose should—”
Joel couldn’t control his anger. “No!”
Silence fell. Neither the preacher nor his Daed pressed to speak. Joel’s rib cage seemed to lift from his body, and a pulsing sensation swayed in his chest as if his heart were a pendulum attached to a string. He couldn’t look at them, and he certainly couldn’t allow them to talk to Rose about an annulment. He might not be able to stop their investigating whether the details of his and Rose’s marriage were in line with the Ordnung, but the mere suggestion of their marriage being dissolved could put Rose into an emotional nosedive. Considering how upset she had been by the arrival of a pretty widow and his building an addition to the house, he didn’t know how she’d handle it.
Joel looked past the two men and stared at the wall. Every ounce of him wanted to say, “She’s happy, it’s a good marriage, and we’ll consummate the marriage soon.” But for some reason he couldn’t force the declaration from his lips. Was his Daed right that he should talk to Rose about it and let her decide? She loved him—he believed that. But given the choice to undo her life with him, a choice no other Amish was ever allowed, would she take it?
Joel cleared his voice. “How long before a decision is made?”
“A few weeks, maybe a month.”
That would at least get them through Christmas. Then he could find the right moment to talk to her about the annulment conversation. He had to pick the right time.
Joel tried to swallow, but his mouth was too dry. He didn’t want to lose Rose and didn’t think the church should be forcing such a terrible ultimatum on them. She loves me, doesn’t she, God? “I don’t want anyone to breathe a word about this to Rose. I have to be the one to talk to her about it.”
Daed stood. “I’m sorry, Joel. This is my fault. I pushed you and Rose into this. The Amish don’t get everything right, but we have traditions in place to make sure singles get to choose their spouse.”
Joel remained at the table. He thought about the morning’s excitement over the bedroom and the idea of consummating their wedding vows in the near future. Now he had to offer her a “get out of jail free” card? He could envision her retreating within herself, hearing belittling words that were never said or intended.
Joel heard muffled movements, and someone mumbled, “We know the way out.”
The thought of not being with Rose was entirely too frightening. The string snapped, but his heart began to beat again. His body and lips were no longer numb.
He could feel everything.
The horse slowed as Rose pulled the rig up to Elise’s house. Snow continued to fall, and the gray and white of winter yielded to the pretty Christmas lights and decorations that seemed to fill Elise’s property. Her friend’s house looked like a picture from an Englischer Christmas magazine. Strings of multicolored lights wound around the gutters and chimney, and several inflatable characters—snowmen, reindeer, and Santa Claus—waved side to side with the wind. Flashing lights in the shape of icicles hung off the porch. The large cherry tree in the front yard, which in a few months would have its own natural adornment of blooms, had hundreds of lights wrapped around its trunk and branches. Grace sat on the anchored booster seat, covered in a wool blanket, looking out the frosty window.
“Oooh!” Grace clapped her hands. “Look, she has new blow-up snowmen.”
“Ya, she does.”
Every year Elise and her family expanded their outdoor Christmas decorations. Elise once said her husband made it his yearly quest to delight their children with new outdoor Christmas surprises, even though it took several days to set them up and take them down.
Elise was Joel’s age and the only veterinarian for miles, but she had scaled back her work after her first child was born. When needed, she filled in for the vet in Hinton, and she tended to the Amish community’s livestock.
From the first time Rose met her, she knew they had the potential to become good friends. But she’d never expected them to get as comfortable with each other as they had. Rose pulled the rig under the shelter and helped Grace out. She then tossed a blanket over the horse, removed the bridle, and replaced it with a harness.
“Look, Mama!” Grace had hurried to the inflatables and was squishing a scarf-wearing penguin and laughing.
“Careful,” Rose warned. Just how much punishment could the penguin take?
“Don’t worry,” Elise’s voice carried from somewhere. “Skipper has proved himself quite hearty. My girls haven’t destroyed that penguin in three years.” Elise stood in the doorway of her home, waving at Grace and Rose while pulling on boots. Most people would wait inside where it was warm, but not Elise. “Did I know you were coming this morning and forgot?”
“No. Is it okay?”
“Love it.” Her friend continued walking toward her until they met on the lawn. She ran a hand through her straight blond hair, pulling it out of her coat, and then covered her head with the hood. “Saves me time. My mom picked up the girls a few minutes ago so I could go shopping without them. I was planning to come by your place in a bit, hoping to convince you and Miss Grace to go shopping with me.”
Rose had forgotten the Englisch got at least two weeks off from school over the holida
ys. Since Christmas Eve and Day took place on the weekend this year, her boys would be off only the day after Christmas for the tradition of Second Christmas. That was it.
“Ya, we’ll go.” Why not get some shopping done while they visited? “I just need to borrow your cell so I can leave a message for Joel, and we’ll have to be back to pick the boys up from school.” Although shopping together would be fun, maybe she should ask if they could just stay at Elise’s house, given the sensitive and rather embarrassing subjects she wanted to talk about.
Elise passed her cell to Rose before holding out her hand to Grace. “Any little girls out here who’d like to see a litter of pups?”
“Me!” Grace ran to Elise and grabbed her hand. The three of them went toward the barn.
“Another rescue mission?” Rose scrolled through Elise’s short list of favorites until she came to her own name.
“Yeah, the MacDonalds brought them to me yesterday. They were headed back from Lewisburg and found them in a box alongside the road. With it being Christmas, surely we can find homes for all of them.”
Rose nodded, pressed the Call button, and left a message on the machine. She and Elise fed the livestock while Grace played with the pups, and then after the hour drive they pulled into the mall parking lot. Rose repeatedly tried to approach Elise with the things on her mind, but her mouth had yet to cooperate with her will. How did Joel put up with such nonsense? Her chest tightened, and a smile threatened to break free. He didn’t just put up with it. He loved her.
They rented a fire-engine stroller to contain Grace, and with only two snack breaks, they had everything Elise needed within ninety minutes.
Elise held up the bags. “See, you are good at this.”
“Give me other people’s money, and I have no trouble spending it.” Rose had bought a few things too, items Joel would want her to get for the children for Christmas.
“So let’s talk. What’s going on?”
Rose pointed at Grace. “This little one is a mimic. We need to distract her.”
“There’s a cute indoor playground on the level below us. We could stop and get some hot tea at the shop next to it and talk while Grace plays.”
Rose nibbled her lip. “I can’t go home without answers. I just can’t.”
“Come on, then. Let’s go talk.” Elise pushed Grace’s fire engine, laden with the small child and all the shopping bags, toward the tea shop.
Several minutes later Rose and Elise sat at a small table, one of twenty tables that were positioned strategically around the children’s play area. The playground was geared to give little ones five and under a place to burn off energy during a shopping trip with their parents. Soft-foam climbing structures were shaped like a caterpillar, mushrooms, and a race car, and a slide was designed to look like a waterfall. Grace had already made a friend and was running and playing chase with her.
Rose tasted her “fancy tea,” as Elise called it. “Well. You were right about how Joel sees Gertie. I was worrying over nothing.”
“Of course I was right.” Elise flashed her a smile and a wink. “I know Joel well enough, and he’s one of the good guys. Added to that, he loves you.”
“I…think he does. I mean, you’ve been saying that, but today he said it.”
“Yes!” Elise raised her fist into the air. “Yes! I knew it. Come on. Tell me more.”
“He…he…seems to find me attractive.”
Elise leaned in closer and gestured up and down at Rose. “And why wouldn’t he? Look at you!”
Rose’s cheeks burned. She raised her hands to cover them until the flush left her face. “I don’t know about that.” She shrugged. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt attractive in my life, except…”
One of Elise’s eyebrows raised in interest. “Except…”
“Well, sometimes when Joel and I are alone in the living room, sitting on the couch with candle lights flickering or a fire in the hearth, we talk for hours, and then after all has been said, he wraps his arm so gently around my shoulders…” Rose couldn’t figure a way to describe these particular feelings.
Elise arched her brows. “I knew I liked that man. He’s got moves. So tell me, what’s the holdup on sleeping with him?”
Rose closed her eyes, trying to gain some composure. Leave it to Elise to jump straight to the matter without any embarrassment.
“It’s complicated.” Rose took a breath to steady her emotions. “Lots of mixed emotions swirling inside me.”
“Pick the one that scares you the most.”
“I don’t know, honestly. I guess I’m afraid he’ll be disappointed.” She lowered her eyes to her teacup. “He and Florence had such a connection. What if he compares me to her and I don’t measure up? What if he regrets taking our relationship to that physical level but feels pressured to keep going ahead with it? What if he never feels anything with me that compares to what he felt with Florence? They had years together, and I’m a second-class wife he’s learned to love.” She raised her eyes.
Elise stared at her. She blinked several times. “First, ‘pressured to keep going ahead’ with making love? Usually not a man’s problem. And second, is your lack of self-confidence a bottomless pit?”
Rose sighed. “Ya, pretty much.”
Elise leaned forward and put her hands around Rose’s. “He wants to build a life with you. He’s being honest with how he feels about you. That’s enough, for Pete’s sake. Stop second-guessing what he wants or what he’s thinking. Stop being terrified.” Elise grinned, giving her a wicked look. “Actually, it’s time to open up, girl. Seduce the poor man, which should take you all of five minutes after the kids are asleep. Hey, you remember our conversation about the birds and the bees and what to do to avoid pregnancy?”
Rose’s cheeks flushed again. This is why she wanted to talk to Elise, to hear her friend’s candid thoughts about such topics, but in this moment she wished they were in a more private setting.
“Ya. Shh.” Rose covered her lips with her index finger.
“I’m not being loud, and no one’s paying any attention to our conversation. It’s shop ’til you drop here. You’re just being self-conscious. What I’m saying is that if you surprise him with an ounce of boldness, he won’t be thinking of anyone but you. And he won’t forget that night, ever.”
Was that true? Could it be possible for her, a woman of twenty-five with zero experience in that department, to give the man she loves a true night to remember?
“Oh.” Elise’s eyes lit up. “Let’s give Grace another few minutes to play while we finish our tea. Then I have an idea of just where to begin to help you feel more confident.”
“Hmm?” Rose pulled from her thoughts.
Elise gestured at a store across from them. The boutique sign said Lavender’s, and the mannequins in the window were dressed in undergarments and nightgowns. Rose shook her head.
“I don’t think I can do that.”
Joel hadn’t moved since his Daed and Preacher Thomas left. His eyes were fixed on the same space on the wall. If he knew what to pray for, he would. The right moment to talk to Rose? For her to hear what he was saying, that never in a million years would he want her to go? That the bishops and preachers had no say in their love for each other?
Could they make Rose move out? She loved Mose, Levi, and Grace as if they were hers, so the worst-case scenario would be that his wife changed her mind about being intimate with him, and the marriage would be annulled because they were living outside the church’s mandate for wedded couples. Maybe the mandates from the church were a real issue, but Joel wondered if the problem stemmed from Daed being the bishop. His Daed feared that he’d used his position of influence and power to force a desperate young woman to take a forever vow. But even if the worst happened and they annulled the marriage, Joel believed Rose would live nearby so the children could be a part of her days. Maybe he’d have to court her as a young single man would. It seemed absurd, but he wasn’t above jumping through
hoops if it meant having a “real” marriage with Rose.
His legs tingled, objecting to his staying in one place for so long. What time was it?
He looked at the mantel clock, but something seemed off. No doubt he’d been sitting here for hours, but the clock was stuck on 8:30, about the time Rose left with the children.
A spark ignited inside him, like a lighter finally creating a flame, a source of enough heat to get him out of his chair. He walked to the clock, picked it up, and went straight out the front door and to his workshop. He opened the round, brass backing. An array of fitted parts stared back at him—a back plate, a series of cogs, the pendulum, the gear train, and main springs, among other pieces. As with a good marriage, each piece had to fit in order for things to run smoothly. Each cog worked in succession with the one next to it, and that kept the pendulum moving properly so the clock kept time.
It had quit four years ago within hours of Florence’s passing, and he had fixed it later that week. In the years since it had worked perfectly, never giving him any more trouble—until now. The muscles in his shoulders tightened, and the tension moved up the back of his neck. He had to get it working again.
He pulled out the inner workings and tested each cog to see what the problem was. When the mainspring seemed fine, he returned his attention to the cogs. He heard a carriage pull onto the driveway, and when he glanced up, his children were running toward the house. School was out already? How long had he been tinkering with the clock? He returned his focus to it.
“Joel?” Rose called as she walked into the shop. “Hey.”
“The mantel clock stopped again. Did you know it wasn’t working?”
She moved closer. “It was working fine yesterday.” She held up small brown shopping bags. “I bought Christmas decorations for the house. I know we can’t put up too much. But I bought some scented candles, greenery to go around them, and a string of lights that I thought would go well in the new room. The lights are battery powered, and I know we aren’t supposed to have them up, but we can keep it between ourselves, right?”
The Angel of Forest Hill Page 8
