We all stood there, not speaking. It became very apparent that Sophie wasn’t planning to resume conversation.
“Are you and Mitch planning to come to the club with us after the show?” Maysie asked.
Please say no, I thought.
Sophie nodded. “Mitch wants to go.”
I wanted to make a face but refrained.
“Oh, that’s great. It should be fun,” Maysie chirped, trying to be polite, which was hard when Sophie wasn’t giving her much to work with.
“She’s a real winner,” Riley muttered in my ear. I covered my mouth so that I wouldn’t laugh.
“Okay guys, let’s drop this down a notch. Let me make you feel oh so good,” Cole purred into the microphone.
The stage lights dimmed and there were four individual spotlights, each trained on one of the guys. Jordan started slowly beating on his drums and was soon joined by Mitch strumming a low, steady rhythm on his bass.
His dark head was bent forward, hair falling in his face. My throat felt tight as I watched him play the music that I loved.
There was something dizzying about listening to Mitch Abrams play. Something intoxicating about watching his fingers glide along the strings of his well-loved instrument. The passion and joy on his face made my lady parts tremble. And I wasn’t overly prone to trembling lady parts.
But it was more than jittery genitalia that made me stare at him like a crazy stalker.
It was more than sexual attraction. It was more than the memory of amazing sex that we had shared.
It was something deeper. Something indescribable. It was the way he lost himself in his music. How he kept his eyes closed and his head lowered, as though blocking out everything and everyone around him.
Staring up at him on the stage, I felt a painful ache in the center of my chest that was impossible to ignore, no matter how much I wanted to.
It was an agonizing reminder of lost chances.
Once upon a time he would have found me in the crowd, given me his crooked smile, and we would have shared a moment of connection that was only for us. The fans didn’t matter. The crowd would have faded away and we would’ve shared in something that only ever happened when we looked at each other.
I wish I could go back in time and slap the shit out of the old me who had never seen what was right in front of her. She really was a narcissistic jackass.
But most of all I wanted him to look at me like he used to. I wanted to feel the buzz in my blood. I wanted the twist in my belly when his eyes met mine.
How had I been so blind to my feelings for so damn long? How could I think this flutter in my heart was anything but true and honest affection?
And then it happened. Just for a second. Mitch’s eyes flashed in my direction and I went completely still. I felt it all. The buzzing. The twisting. The fluttering.
I started to smile.
It was beautiful. It was amazing. It was perfect.
But then his face darkened and the buzzing died. The twisting faded. And the fluttering became a horrible sort of shattering.
Mitch looked away, finding that connection in the girl he had chosen to be with. The woman who had caught him after I threw him away.
Yuck. What a crappy feeling.
Then Cole started to sing a song that I couldn’t remember hearing before.
One that seemed all too appropriate. Did Mitch hear it too? I stared at him long and hard, willing him to look at me again, but he kept his eyes trained on the rest of the crowd.
On Sophie.
You promised me lies
I swallowed them whole
You said we had a future
It was just a tale to be told.
I gave you my heart
You threw it on the ground,
I screamed your name,
But never made a sound.
I was broken.
You were bleeding.
I was dead.
You were leaving.
You’re my nightmare come true
What can I do?
Love ruins and maims
I knew you’d never stay.
You’re my nightmare!
Who wrote this?
It sounded so angry. So bitter. It wasn’t Jordan or Garrett’s style and they were the ones who usually wrote the Rejects’ music.
Mitch closed his eyes, his mouth pinched as Cole sang the lyrics. His lips moved along with the words and I wished I could hear him sing. I had always loved his voice.
His eyes flashed open and settled on me again and this time he didn’t look away.
But I wished he would. Because the pain I saw there made me want to scream.
It was a pain that I was responsible for.
“This club is so lame!” I yelled into Riley’s ear. I stood beside her trying to dance in time to the beat. It was hard though because the music was bad. As in John Tesh on acid bad.
After the show the nine of us had loaded up the gear into the bus, most of us—minus Mitch and Sophie, who said they’d meet us there—had walked a few blocks away to a small basement club that was teeming with people. I didn’t catch the name as we had paid our cover and gone inside.
It smelled like body odor and weed. The music was of the crappy house variety. Lots of thumping bass and not much else.
People were drunkenly hooking up all around me and I had walked in on three girls going at it in the bathroom just twenty minutes ago.
This was definitely not my scene. Not anymore anyway. Once upon a time I would have been drinking it up and dancing my ass off. Now I just stood in the corner and tried to avoid having beer dumped down my back.
“Whose bright idea was it to come here?” I asked Garrett who was standing beside his girlfriend.
“I think Cole saw a flyer or something. We need to remember to do the opposite of whatever he suggests,” he answered, shaking his head.
“You haven’t figured that out by now?” Riley laughed, kissing him on the mouth. Garrett pulled her into his arms and wrapped her hair around his hand.
“Don’t get smart with me, woman,” he growled as he bent her low and kissed her senseless.
I turned away from them and sipped on my lime and soda. I could almost pretend it was a G&T. Almost.
Maysie and Jordan were dancing and god knew where Vivian and Cole had disappeared to.
Mitch and Sophie hadn’t shown up yet. I wondered what they were doing. Had they gone somewhere to be alone? I was pretty sure Mitch would have gotten a hotel room if everyone else had gotten one. Were he and Sophie there?
I tried not to imagine what they were doing. But it became all mixed up with memories of what Mitch and I had done in a hotel room a year before.
And then, as if I had summoned him, Mitch appeared.
“Hey guys,” he greeted us. Sophie wasn’t by his side and I sure as hell didn’t look for her. Maybe she fell off a cliff somewhere.
Don’t be mean, Gracie, I chastised myself.
“Hey, Mitch. Where’s the other half?” Garrett asked and I winced. I couldn’t help it. Hearing Sophie referred to as Mitch’s other half was really hard to hear.
“In the bathroom, I think,” he answered looking around and not seeming impressed.
Riley and I smirked knowing the eyeful she was probably getting.
I noticed the way women looked at both Mitch and Garrett. It was hard not to. Some were so blatant that I was embarrassed for them. A girl with bright red hair danced provocatively in front of Mitch, gyrating her hips and thrusting out her chest. She eyeballed him brazenly.
“I think she wants your attention, Mitch,” Riley laughed, shaking her head.
My face flushed and I saw red. I wanted to grab the tramp by her overly teased hair and give her a hearty shove. Riley nudged me in the side. “You’re going to put her ten feet under with just your glare alone.”
I hadn’t realized I was being so obvious with my jealousy. That wasn’t good. So I worked on schooling my features. Mitch glanc
ed my way and he smirked when he saw my expression. Our eyes met and my blood heated. He knew I didn’t like the attention he was getting. I knew he enjoyed my reaction.
Suddenly we were transported to a year ago and the tug and pull that had always defined our relationship.
“Oh my goodness, there were three girls in the bathroom and they were—” Sophie’s sudden appearance snapped the both of us out of whatever weird moment we had been experiencing.
“They’re still going at it?” Riley asked, her eyes wide. “Man, they have some serious endurance. You’ve got to respect that.”
Sophie appeared horrified. She turned to Mitch who looked like he was trying not to laugh. “I want a drink. Can you get me some white wine?”
“Uh, I doubt they’ll have wine, Soph,” Mitch remarked. “This isn’t a wine kind of joint.”
Sophie looked frustrated. “I guess I’ll have a Cosmo. They can make one of those, right?”
“Yeah, I’m sure they can whip you up a Cosmo. Does anyone else want anything?” Mitch asked. Riley and Garrett both declined and then he turned to me. “Gracie, do you want something to drink?”
I almost looked around to see if there was another Gracie in the room. I couldn’t believe he was actually speaking to me. Of his own volition.
“I’m fine, thanks,” I answered giving him a smile. He didn’t return it.
The four of us stood in a small little cluster at the edge of the dance floor. Sophie crossed her arms over her chest and looked uncomfortable. I tapped my foot in time with the music and wished I could leave. Garrett and Riley tried to keep their hands off each other and were failing miserably.
“Here you go,” Mitch said, coming back only a few minutes later, handing Sophie her pink drink. He took a sip of what looked like a glass of water. Sophie frowned and inspected his glass.
“You’re drinking water. Why didn’t you get a beer?” she asked.
Mitch’s dark eyes flicked toward me. “I’m fine with water,” he told her and I felt warm from the inside out.
He never drank in front of me. Not since I had gone to rehab. He didn’t make a big deal about it, which I appreciated. His unconditional support had sustained me more than I had ever really realized.
And he was still offering it. Even after everything.
“This place is pretty lame,” Mitch commented, looking around. I wanted to laugh at how we still thought so much a like.
“Yeah, G was just saying the same thing,” Garrett said, grinning. “It’s like you share a brain or something. It’s always been a little on the creepy side.”
Mitch’s lips twitched and mine responded likewise.
“Great minds think alike,” we both said at the same time. Mitch chuckled and raised his glass of water and inclined his head in my direction. I laughed, wishing I could hold on to this incredible feeling of connection between us.
“Mitch, can we go now? I’m really tired,” Sophie complained, pulling on his arm. Our eye contact was instantly severed and the connection dwindled into nothing. I wondered if I had imagined the whole thing.
“You want to leave already? We just got here,” Mitch said, sounding annoyed.
“Please, Mitch. I have a headache. You know I’m not feeling that great. We can go back to the hotel room and—” Sophie looked toward me and I swear I saw her smirk. “You know,” she giggled and I had to look away.
“I think I’m going to go see if it’s safe to enter the bathroom yet,” I told Riley. I didn’t wait for her to respond before I started pushing my way through the crowd. There was a line for the restroom when I got there, but I was glad to see that the porn show was over.
I took my time and when I finally emerged I felt a little better. I didn’t want to spend my weekend mooning over Mitch. I wanted to hang out with my friends. I wanted to dance. I wanted to remember what it was like to not give a shit about anything.
Mitch was leaning against the wall as I left and I hoped I could pass him without being noticed.
He looked up as I moved down the small corridor and I lifted my hand in an awkward wave.
Should I stop? Should I keep going? Should I say hey and leave it at that?
“Is this the place to hang out then?” I asked him, figuring humor could alleviate some of the tension.
Mitch barely looked at me. “I’m waiting for Sophie. She wanted to wash her hands again,” he replied shortly.
“So you’re heading out?” I asked him and he nodded curtly. Why was I bothering? It was obvious he didn’t want to speak to me. And that pissed me off. I was trying to be civil and he wasn’t making it easy.
“Well god forbid you stay and have a good time,” I snipped.
Mitch’s eyes flashed in the darkened hallway and he finally looked at me. “Yeah, because you seem to be having a great time,” he shot back.
I let out an angry sigh and crossed my arms over my chest. “Is this how it’s always going to be?” I demanded, finally at the end of my rope.
Mitch’s face contorted as though he were in pain before it smoothed out into a neutral expression. “Looks like it,” he muttered, looking purposefully past me.
“You don’t think you’ve punished me enough?” I asked, wishing my voice didn’t sound so small. Mitch’s eyes widened slightly, but he still wouldn’t look at me. But damn it, he was going to listen. There were a lot of things I needed to say and I was finally going to say them. I didn’t care if we were standing in a crowded hallway at a shitty nightclub. It was now or never.
“I get that I hurt you. I know I acted like a total bitch.” Mitch snorted but continued to stare over my shoulder. I kept going. “But the silent treatment has gone on long enough, don’t you think?”
Mitch frowned and glanced at me, his eyes narrowed. “I’m not giving you the silent treatment,” he argued.
“Is that why you won’t look at me when I’m in the room?” I asked.
Mitch huffed under his breath. “I didn’t think you’d even notice. Considering how little my opinion has ever mattered to you.”
I startled at his admission. “Is that what you think? That what you think, what you feel, doesn’t matter to me?” I took a tentative step towards him. I couldn’t help it. We were standing close together, but I felt compelled to be closer. Mitch watched me warily.
“I think you made that abundantly clear, Gracie.”
My heart hurt at his words. I hated that he believed that. “That’s not true, Mitch. Not at all,” I murmured. Something ignited between us. His eyes dropped to my mouth and he licked his lips. I buzzed inside.
He wanted to touch me. I could see it in his eyes. They burned with a fire that he couldn’t put out. No matter how hard he tried. I had never felt more power. Or more sexy.
Mitch made me feel alive.
He made me feel wanted.
But more importantly he made me feel as though this could be a beginning.
I took another step forward and I lifted my hand as if to touch him. If he wouldn’t bridge the gap then I would. I’d take the first step.
Almost there…
Mitch shook his head, stopping me. “Don’t, Gracie. Just don’t.” His voice was hard and unyielding. I dropped my hand and stepped back.
“I just wanted—”
“I know what you want,” he remarked angrily, dragging his hand through his hair. He was upset. I had upset him. Again.
“I just don’t want us to be enemies anymore. I don’t want you to hate me.” My voice cracked and I felt like a total jerk.
Mitch closed his eyes, his brow furrowed. He ran his hand down his face and let out a frustrated breath. “I don’t hate you, Gracie. That’s the fucking problem.”
Oh.
“Mitch—” I started to say, but he interrupted me with a short bark of laughter.
“You think you can stand here, looking like every dream I’ve ever had, giving me the words I’ve wanted to hear and I’ll just what? Go back to being your best buddy? That we can go b
ack to late night phone calls and braiding each other’s hair?”
“I know we can’t go back, Mitch. I’m not expecting that!” I protested, my voice rising.
“Good!” he shouted and several people turned to look at us. I didn’t care that we were starting to make a scene.
“Stop treating me like I killed your fucking cat!” I yelled back.
It was Mitch’s turn to take a step towards me. I remained rooted to the spot. Mitch stood so close I had to crane my neck to look up at him. He was furious. Well he wasn’t the only one.
“No, you just fucking broke my heart, Gracie!” he growled, leaning down so that we were almost nose-to-nose. “You broke me!”
I snorted, “You don’t look very broken. It seems you’ve had lots of help being put back together,” I derided.
I was getting angry. Dangerously angry. The thing was Mitch and I had never really fought. But that was before that night.
I didn’t quite know how to do this with him. The getting angry and bitter thing. But I did know that he was being a dick and unnecessarily cruel and I was so done with taking that.
Mitch’s eyes flashed and even when enraged he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Damn him.
“Okay, so let me get this straight. You’re pissed that I found someone who actually wants to be with me? Are you serious? I mean, I know you can be selfish and completely clueless—”
“Excuse me?” I seethed.
“But this is low, even for you, Gracie. Are you going to stand there and have the audacity to give me shit for being with Sophie when you made it clear we were never going to be together?” He raked his hands through his hair and looked ready to pull it out. “You made that choice! Not me! You!” He was looking decidedly unhinged and he wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise. It seemed I wasn’t the only one that had been bottling things up.
“Mitch, just let me speak, damn it!” I shrieked, ready to lose my shit all over him. A crowd of people were milling around, watching us like we were the best thing since Jerry Springer. I should have been embarrassed, but all I could focus on was Mitch and trying to get him to listen. But he wasn’t having it. And we were quickly escalating to a point of no return.
Desperate Chances Page 10
