“So?” There was the tiniest note of strain in her voice, telling him to back off.
“It’s cute. Want some?” He held the bag of crackers out to her.
She’d rebraided her hair and washed her face, removing any trace of their time together. Did she regret it? Was she trying to pretend it hadn’t happened?
“I’m really thirsty. For something not Loki.” She wrinkled her nose.
“I told you it was dangerous.” He set the crackers on the island and got her a glass of water instead.
Cara stood at the island, staring at the crackers, oddly silent. He set the water down in front of her and poured the crackers into a bowl for easier sharing. This was going to take a bit to get through. He couldn’t pretend they hadn’t just...made love. And that’s what it was.
She sipped the water. He watched her eat a few crackers, never once looking at him.
How to begin?
He’d loved her for years, but he could barely talk about it. He was a chicken, scared of confrontation. But good things were worth fighting for.
“Cara?”
“Hm?” Her brows lifted and she tipped her chin up, but her eyes were locked on the crackers.
“Are we going to avoid the elephant in the room?”
“You have an elephant?” She glanced around, and he couldn’t quite tell if she was joking or serious.
“No, silly.”
“Then what are we talking about?”
“We just had sex.”
“Oh. Right. Yeah.” She pushed the sleeves of her pajamas up. It was far too warm for fleece like that, but this was Cara, and she’d do what she wanted.
If this were years ago, Nate would have brushed the whole thing under the rug and pretended nothing had happened. He wouldn’t shake the boat. But that was before a lot of things. Leaving home, the journey to where he was now, had changed him. And one thing he’d learned in the Navy was that he had to tackle problems head on. Waiting on others to act first put the ball in their court.
“I love you, Cara.”
Her chin tipped up more and she finally looked at him. Her eyes were wide, magnified by her glasses, until they seemed to take up her whole face. She stopped chewing and just...stared at him. Did she have regrets? Had she been too drunk to speak the truth? If she didn’t remember...he might go take a long drink in the ocean. Fuck, that would be the worst. He’d—
“I...um...thought, I guess...oh, boy.” Cara gripped the edge of the island.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, just...I need to sit down.” She pushed off the island and teetered to the sectional, perching on the arm, facing the windows.
“I shouldn’t have...kissed you. Fuck.” Nate scrubbed a hand over his face.
She hadn’t meant it. Any of it. It was the alcohol and this trip. She had a lot going on. So she’d, what? Used him? He didn’t feel particularly used.
“I wanted you to kiss me,” she said, her voice crystal clear. No waver. “I’ve wanted that for a long time. It’s just...a lot to process. I kinda...thought...maybe it was a dream. Or something. I don’t know. I guess...maybe...um...”
Nate stared at Cara, playing that one line over and over again in his head.
I wanted you to kiss me.
It stood to reason she wanted...everything else, too? Or had he taken what he wanted?
If he’d scared, or hurt, Cara...
“Will you say something?” She twisted to look at him.
“Sorry, just processing.” He pushed off the island and slowly walked toward her. “Are you...okay?”
“I’m sitting.”
“Yeah,” he sank down to sit on the chaise part of the sectional beside her, “but are you okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” She blinked at him.
“Cara, we had sex, we both said I love you, so I think we might want to...talk about it.”
“That happened.” She nodded.
“Yes.”
“Okay. What are we talking about?” She twisted to face him, one leg folded under her.
Cara was so...Cara. He chuckled.
“What? We’re talking, right?” She frowned at him.
“Yeah, sorry.” He reached for her hand, something he’d done a thousand times, but this time it...felt different.
“I’m okay. You’re okay? What else?” Her voice was ratcheting up, tighter and tighter.
“Cara, there’s not a checklist or anything. Come here.” He tugged on her hand.
She leaned toward him, wooden, stiff. He reached over, wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her to his side. She didn’t squawk or wiggle, which was enough to tell him she was reaching a breaking point.
He kissed the top of her head and stroked her back. She relaxed by degrees. First, she tilted her shoulder, then she leaned into him, and finally she sighed and slung her arm around his waist.
There. That was better.
Did he dare?
She hadn’t rejected him or made excuses. She was just...awkward Cara.
He bumped her chin with his knuckle. She tipped her head up, staring at him with the same open trust that’d waylaid him years ago.
He dared.
Nate leaned down and gently brushed his lips across hers. She jumped, as though shocked, but didn’t move away, so he kissed her again, keeping it sweet. His needs were...darker. He’d have to tread carefully here.
“There,” he whispered. “Let’s talk about that.”
“What about it?” Her hand splayed against his chest, so small and dainty.
“Do you like it when I kiss you?”
“Yes.” Her cheeks were pink, but she didn’t hesitate.
“Do you want me to kiss you again?”
“Yes. Now?”
“I can. Or later.”
“Now.”
That was a dangerous request, but one he couldn’t deny.
He dipped his head and kissed the tip of her nose.
She frowned at him, but didn’t call him on the misdirection.
“Cara, did you...want to have sex? With me?”
“Yes.” Her answer was slower, her cheeks redder.
He kissed her lips, a bit harder this time.
She wanted to kiss him, and she’d wanted him. It was like Christmas all over again, only better because it was Cara.
Nate stroked her cheeks and lifted his face from hers. In his wildest dreams, he’d never seriously considered this version of reality. If he was living a Loki-induced dream, he didn’t want to wake up.
“Are we going to talk about the other part now?” she asked, her tone wary.
“Which part?”
“The...I love you part?”
So, not the part where he’d asked her to hold onto the headboard while he had his way with her.
Got it.
That was a relief.
“People say stuff they don’t mean during sex. Just because I said it doesn’t mean you have to.” He was willing to wait. If she wanted to kiss him, make love, that was fine. She didn’t have to say words she didn’t mean. The feelings would come. Wouldn’t they? Or...was he just something familiar she was clinging to in the midst of the hurricane?
“Did you mean it?” She tilted her head to the side. Sometimes she was awkward about the silliest things, and others, she got right to the heart of the matter.
“Yes.” He stroked her hair, because this close he could.
“I’m a wreck, Nate. Why would you love me?” She sat up and folded her hands in her lap.
“Do you remember, we were like...fifteen...it was the first week of school, and you guys all had third lunch?”
“And you were alone in first.” She reached for his hand, frowning.
“You gave up AP Lit so you could have lunch with me.”
Cara glanced up at him, her nose scrunched and one brow raised, as if to say of course I did, silly goose.
“Nate...I switched so we would have lunch and biology together.”
“Oh.
..yeah...”
He blinked, the memories of biology a lot fuzzier than the crystal clear moment when, sitting at the long table by himself, Cara had been there with her brown paper bag lunch. She’d drawn Power Rangers on it, if his memory was accurate, and she’d brought him a cookie. He’d just stared at her while she chattered on about...something. Changing her life, her schedule, so he wouldn’t be alone was so her way. They were the geekiest of the geeks, even other nerds made fun of them. But Cara didn’t care. And with her sitting across the table from him every day for two semesters...neither had he.
“I switched my classes around because...because I was already in love with you.”
Nate stared at Cara, staring at him.
“Why...did you never say anything?” he asked.
She shrugged.
“I just...thought...I mean...” It was his turn to stammer.
So many years lost. Opportunities wasted. Because he’d assumed.
Nate reached over and pulled her into his lap. This time she squawked, kicked one leg out and flailed, but she wound up across his thighs anyway. He squeezed her to him.
He could be different. Good. For her. Because that was what she needed, and his heart wanted her.
“I’m dying. This is too hot. You’re killing me.” Cara pulled on the neckline of her pajamas.
“Unzip it a little.”
“Can’t.”
“Is it stuck?”
“I’m not wearing a bra!”
“...so?”
“Nate!” She smacked his arm.
“What? I wouldn’t mind.” He grinned.
Her cheeks were the reddest yet, just driving home the point that deep down, Cara was still pure.
“I need to—to change.” She wiggled off his lap and stalked back toward the bathroom, snagging her bag on the way.
He watched her go, grinning at her little sashay. It probably wasn’t even intentional. Knowing Cara, she probably had a wedgie. Still, it was Cara, and she was the reason his heart beat.
5.
Cara stepped out of the pajamas and fanned her face.
She wanted to curl up in Nate’s lap, and shrivel and die. Doing both wasn’t an option, so if she had to pick, Nate’s anything would always win out.
Holy balls of cheese.
What was happening to her life?
She didn’t know where this was going, but damn it if she wasn’t going to hang on. Maybe something was going right in her life? There was disaster in her future, but...right now there was Nate. And that was all that mattered.
Cara grabbed her back up pajamas. A pair of Harley Quinn style sleeping shorts and a matching tank top. She covered her bare breasts, trying to calm her tits, and tried to remember if she’d packed a bralette. Her actual bra was still missing in Nate’s room somewhere.
She dug around in her bag, but couldn’t find the garment between her books.
No bra it was.
Nate had said he didn’t mind.
But that was probably because...
Her cheeks heated at the memory of his mouth. And fingers.
Crap, her tits were so not calming.
She tugged the shirt down.
Her nipples stood out against the red and black fabric.
She fluffed the shirt out.
Ug. She was going to have to power through this. There were worse things in life than stiff nubs, right?
Cara shoved her things back in her bag and held it to her chest. The apartment was comfortable, not too cool, so maybe she’d be okay.
Nate sat on the sofa chaise where she’d left him.
She longed to curl up in his lap, lay her head on his shoulder and forget the world. In these moments, with him, she had hope. He glanced up and smiled at her, the skin around his eyes crinkling.
Just like that, her nerves abated.
She let her bag plop on the ground and sat next to him. He slid his arm around her waist, tugging her closer and leaned his head against hers.
“Where were we?” he asked.
“Uh...you said you...loved me and I said I loved you back.” Look at her, being all grown up and saying things like it wasn’t a big deal.
“Cara...”
“Hm?” Something about his voice bothered her. She glanced up at him, unable to interpret this particular kind of brow furrow.
“You...have had sex before?”
“Well, yeah. I thought...I remember us...”
“Yeah. I remember. I just...”
“Thought I’d told you so I...looked cool? Or something?”
“Yeah. Maybe.”
“I have had sex. But not like that.”
“Like what?”
She swallowed and her cheeks warmed. He squeezed her, and waited her out.
“Like...uh...in a book.”
“A book? What kind of books are you reading?” His face scrunched up more.
“Romance books.”
“Like Fabio?”
“No, not like that. Like...normal people stuff.”
“Is...that good?”
“Yes.”
“Oh. Okay. That’s good.”
“It was much better than...before. I mean, before you. Crap. I didn’t mean...” She covered her face with her hand and he chuckled, pulling her deeper into his embrace. He kissed the top of her head.
“I won’t pretend to not be jealous, but it’s not like I’ve been a monk.”
“Noticed.”
“I’m not—Cara.”
Again, something in his voice was different. She peered up through her fingers at him, unable to translate that sound.
“You’re the only woman I’ve wanted, but...I didn’t think you’d want me.”
“Did you ever think about asking?”
“No. You’re just...you had everything figured out and my life was one wreck after another. I’ve just...accepted that having you as a friend was more important.” He took a deep breath. “I need to...tell you something, though.”
“Oh?” Why did she not like the sound of that?
“I...haven’t dated anyone in a long time. But...I’ve had...arrangements. I knew that I was emotionally unavailable, but...I had needs.”
What the heck was she supposed to do with that information?
Her brain skipped through his statement, reordering his words. First, he loved her. He had been in love with her for years. Second, that made him unavailable to emotionally invest in anyone else. So third, there’d been women in his life he...he...slept with for companionship.
She’d read worse stories.
“Are you...do you have an arrangement with one of these people now?” she asked.
“No,” he answered with a vigorous shake of his head.
“Okay.”
“I just want you to know that.”
“Well, thanks, I think.”
“You’re fading on me, aren’t you?” He tucked her hair behind her ear, something he’d done a hundred times before. This time, she understood it.
How many other gestures had they traded, tiny examples of their feelings?
Oh, how blind they’d been.
Cara nodded. Not only had the trip and sex exhausted her, but her internal rollercoaster was wearing her out.
“Want me to take the couch?” she asked. They’d argued this over a couple of times, with no clear answer.
“No way.”
“You can’t sleep on the couch.” He was too big for that.
“I’m not.” He kissed her forehead and stood, hauling her up to her feet with him. “We’ll both sleep in the bed.”
“Oh. Yeah. That makes sense.”
He nudged her toward the bedroom door while he turned off the lights and put things away.
She should do something, help or...she didn’t know. Instead, she crawled in his big, Nate-sized bed and scooted all the way over.
If the zombie apocalypse happened, Nate was better suited to dealing with whatever came through the door than she was.
The room blinked into darkness. She lay with her back to Nate, listening to the rustle of his clothes hitting the floor, whooshing into the hamper. This was all so surreal. From sex to emotional declarations to this, she still hadn’t processed everything yet. It was...a dream. Wasn’t it?
The bed dipped under Nate’s weight and she held her breath as he settled in. His hand found her back and slid around her waist.
“You’re too far away,” he muttered.
In typical Nate fashion, he just pulled her across the mattress toward him, until his front pressed against her back.
“Goodnight, shortcake.”
“Night.”
He buried his head in the crook of her neck and she stopped breathing. He squeezed her a moment, muttering words she couldn’t hear into her hair, then eased his hold.
He’d said it again, hadn’t he?
“Nate?”
“Hm?”
“I love you.” She stroked her fingers over his wrist, the words feeling right on her tongue.
“I love you, too.”
Cara smiled into the darkness.
Cinderella had nothing on this.
Nate held the door to the Penny Arcade and Bar for Cara. She made a funny face at him and he chuckled as she walked by.
He deserved a medal for not suggesting they cancel on everyone and spend today at his place. In bed. Even if they just lay there, staring at the ceiling and talking, it would be heaven.
There were so many moments, memories he saw in a different light now.
Cara bringing bundles of cookies to school and leaving them in his locker.
Time spent doing homework when Cara could skip through the same stuff in ten minutes that took him an hour.
Cara learning to play Magic: The Gathering. He’d always known she hated it, but she’d played. Not because she didn’t want to be left out of the group, but because they’d play together.
Maybe he’d pull her away early. It wasn’t like they’d made plans for the whole day. They’d decided to start at the arcade for lunch and take it from there. If he said he had dinner plans for just them, would that go over well? They hadn’t come to a decision yet about what they should tell the others.
For one, Josh knew about Nate and Ellie. Nate would have to prepare Josh, or else his overprotective instincts would shift into overdrive. It wasn’t like Nate had ever admitted his feelings to anyone, save for a few people. Ellie was one of the few, because she had to know. And Nate needed someone to understand.
The Adorkable Girl and the Geek (Gone Geek 5) Page 5
