by Ann Lister
He heard her retching sounds as he made his way through the living room. Quietly he shut the door behind him.
For two days, he stayed away from the beach house. And, for those two days, Annie wallowed in her own self-loathing. On the third day, he arrived to find her and the girls having lunch on the deck. He froze when he saw them. She had on a pair of blue jean shorts that more than emphasized her tanned legs and white bikini top that barely concealed her nipples, never mind about the rest of her breasts. The words he could muster were bare audible.
“How are you doing?” he asked from the deck steps.
“Dad-dee,” Sammi cheered, when recognition registered.
Annie jumped when she heard the sound of his voice and quickly reached for a t-shirt to cover her exposed flesh. “I didn’t think you were coming back,” she answered without benefit of looking at him. Secretly, she had hoped he wasn’t coming back.
“I actually thought about that, but I’m not going to leave my kids again,” he replied, then took a few cautious steps toward the table where they were eating.
Still, she refused to make eye contact with him.
He plunked Sammi down into his lap and sat across the table from Annie. She pushed her tuna salad sandwich away. Suddenly, she had no appetite for food. Michael helped Sammi get the food into her tiny mouth and cheered her efforts. Several minutes passed and Michael finally broke their silence.
“Annie, we need to talk and I think you understand why.”
“Now clearly isn’t the time,” she returned, making a reference to the girls presence at the table.
“Fine. I’ll wait until they go in for a nap.”
A very long and painful hour passed. He seemed so tense and ill at ease, and she was brutally aware of every movement he made. They put the girls to bed and returned outside to sit at the table. Finally, they were alone.
“Annie, I’m going to be blunt because I need to get some things off my chest.”
She nodded with dread for him to continue.
“I can no longer be your punching bag,” he spoke quietly. “Emotionally, I’m not strong enough for it. After seeing you with Jay and then the incident that happened between us the other night,” he sighed and shook his head thoughtfully. “It’s more than I bargained for. Before you threw up that night, you said some things that…well…hit me where it hurts. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that badly about myself.”
“I’m sorry,” she answered softly. “It was the wine that made me throw up, not you.”
Michael nodded. “If it gives you piece of mind, I haven't been with anyone since you left me so I'm clean. And, even though you refuse to believe it, I never slept with Barbara, nor did I want to. Everything I told you back then was the truth. The booze had me so fucked up at the time, I had no will to fight the accusations you continued to make. Looking back now, I gave up much too easily. I should have fought to keep you and I kick myself every day because I didn't.”
Annie listened intently but still remained hesitant to make eye contact. “If it makes you feel any better, I never slept with Jay. I know you probably think I did, but it never went that far.”
“You don’t owe me an explanation.”
“I would agree,” she shrugged. “But I wanted you to know.”
He stood and paced the floorboards of the deck. “I'm sorry, but I can't stay and be a part of this anymore. It's too painful for me. Two months ago, I would have bet a million bucks you would have softened by now and we'd be back together. A week ago, I would have bet two million because I was that certain. But, here we are now, and I'm feeling like a loser in more than one way.”
He stopped and sat heavily across from her, gazing directly into her eyes. She was crying softly. Her face looked like that of a young girl. Without much thought he bent forward and wiped her face with the back of his hand.
“I guess this means you win, babe,” he whispered, forcing a smile to his sullen face. “Tomorrow I’m going to call my lawyer and have him draw up a legal visitation schedule. That way, you won’t have to see me anymore and I won’t have to see you with other men. I think that’s best for both of us.”
“If that’s what you want,” she replied, without much emotion. Inside, her heart was breaking into a thousand tiny pieces.
“No. That isn't what I want,” he answered forcefully without raising his voice. “It's what you want and what I believe you deserve. I refuse to be the cause of any more of your pain. You have the right to be happy and me being here isn't going to make that happen, is it?”
Annie shrugged her shoulders.
A few anxious moments passed and Michael grew increasingly more uncomfortable with the way the conversation was proceeding. “I’m heading back to Boston after I call my lawyer,” he said, hoping to prompt a reaction from her. “I have an appointment with my physical therapist and I thought I might also take a guitar lesson.”
For the first time, Annie raised her head and made direct eye contact with him. The tears she had managed to have some sense of control over, now slid down her cheeks in tiny rivers. She did nothing to stop them. She stared at him thoughtfully before she spoke.
“I’m glad to hear you’re going to try playing again. I sincerely hope it works for you.”
“That’s it? You have no comment on the fact I’m heading back to Boston?”
Annie wiped at her face and shook her head. “You’re free to do whatever you want.”
“Annie, I don't think you understand the seriousness of this conversation,” he said, extending his hand to touch hers on the table. “When I leave here today, you will no longer see me, at least in the capacity you have been seeing me over the last two months. If you have any feelings about that, I need to know now.”
“Michael, I’m exhausted with the entire situation,” she said, her voice cracking through her tears. “I want the hurt to stop too! I’m sick to death of the games, the insults and the innuendos. I want the peace to return to my life.”
“Finally, we agree on something,” he exhaled, sliding back in his chair and clasping his hands behind his head. “Then let’s end it now. Let’s get all the crap between us out on the table and be done with it.”
He bent forward and lowered his face to hers. “Let’s end the games too, Annie, and be honest with what’s been going on between us.” His voice was soft and soothing like warm flannel on a cold winters night. “Do you think you can handle the honesty of that?”
“I’m not the one that’s had issues with being honest.”
He sighed heavily and looked across the table at her. Even with tears streaming down her face, she was still beautiful. Breathtaking, he thought, as he crossed his outstretched legs at the ankle. As long as he lived, he would never tire of gazing at her.
“Give me a reason to stay and I will,” he said.
She lifted her head to meet his questioning eyes. “And if I don’t?”
“Then I’m gone.”
“Does it have to be so black and white?” Annie asked.
“Yes. For my sanity and yours, it does.”
Annie stood and nervously went to the railing of the deck. Her aching eyes scanned the vast ocean. At that very moment, she would have given anything to jump into the nearest boat and sail off into the horizon.
The touch of his hands resting on her shoulders made her jump. Then his face lowered until it was beside her ear. “I love you, Annie, now more than ever. Divorce didn’t change that,” he sighed. “I love you so much it physically hurts. It hurts to be without you and it hurts when I’m with you, knowing you don’t want me the way I still want you.”
She turned her body, and in the process, freed herself from his embrace. She raised her eyes to meet his. The depth of sorrow in his eyes revealed more than the words he spoke. The idea of not seeing him scared her even more than him staying. Neither option made her feel comfortable.
“I don’t have any other options to suggest, Annie. Tell me what you want.”
She opened her
mouth but the words would not connect with her tongue.
“Why won’t you talk to me? Tell me what you’re feeling,” he pleaded, taking a step closer, only to watch her shrink away. For several seconds, he waited. When she offered no reply, his back stiffened and he raked his fingers through his dark hair.
“Then, I guess that’s it,” he said.
Annie faced the ocean again. Every thud of his boots echoed inside her body and crashed in her ears. She clasped her eyes together tightly wanting it all to go away.
She heard him descend onto the first step. Panic raced through her body. Was he really leaving for good, she thought? Did she really want to be rid of him?
“Michael!”
He turned where he stood and faced her.
“I don’t want you to go,” she said between sobs.
A smile removed the strained expression on his face as he slowly made his way back to her.
“But, I’m not sure I want you to stay either,” she added.
He was in front of her now, his chest inches from her face. Without an invitation, his hands slid around the back of her neck and he pulled her gently against his body. She melted into him, feeling safely wrapped within his arms, secure for the first time in months. She could hear his heart beating wildly against his ribs and it filled her body with a sense of completion. He pulled her even tighter and rocked her back and forth. Her arms tentatively circled his waist.
“Why don’t you want me to stay?” he asked, resting his chin on the top of her head.
“Because I’m afraid.”
“Of what?”
“You. I’m scared to death you’ll hurt me again.”
He cupped her face with his hands. “Life has few guarantees, Annie. But one thing I know for certain, I will never stop loving you as long as I can still draw breath into my lungs.”
Before the last word was out of his mouth, he kissed her. It was long, sweet and soulful. The kind of kiss that remains in one’s memory for a lifetime and becomes a reflection point to which you return to again and again because it is just that pure and uncluttered.
Annie offered no resistance and blossomed beneath his lips. Her back arched against him. Her fingers disappeared into the long wavy fibers of his hair. He spun them around, nearly delirious, until his back rested against the deck railing. Chest heaving, he kissed her again. “Can you deny the feeling that comes with this, Annie?” he sighed into her open mouth. “I can feel you kissing me back, so why can’t you admit what you’re feeling? This isn’t lust, sweetheart. It goes much deeper than that.”
He pressed an open palm against her left breast and tenderly massaged. Her nipple immediately responded to his touch and pitched to a rosy peak. “Tell me what you have in your heart. Are you feeling what I’m feeling, babe?”
Reluctantly, she pulled away and shook her head. “Do you really want to know what’s in my heart?”
He nodded.
“I have scar tissue, Michael. “Painful, ugly scar tissue, and every time you touch me, the wounds re-open.” She hung her arms over her head in a protective gesture. “I can’t do this, Michael. I’m just not ready.”
“It’s okay, Annie. We’ll work through all of it.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You’ve had months to prepare for this. And you keep pushing and giving me ultimatums.”
He sat back in a chair, making a loud thud with his body. “Then what do you want?” She gazed across the deck at him. He looked mournful and expectant. “I want you to go back to Boston.” She watched his face fall before the words had left her mouth. “Do what you have to do there and then call me at the end of the week.”
She wiped the tears from her face and did her best to appear in control of herself. “I need more time to sort through this in my head. Take it or leave it,” she shrugged indifferently, but there was nothing indifferent about her actions. Quietly, she held her breath. “And, I’m not making any promises either.”
He stood to leave and pushed his hands into his pockets. He tipped his head back and searched for the sun in the sky. She watched his body language change from defiance to resignation, as the war within him played through to conclusion. “Okay. I can accept that,” he answered. He stepped toward her with trepidation. The lines in his face reflected his lack of confidence. It was an emotion that he was obviously not accustomed to experiencing.
“Can I ask you something before I go?” he asked quietly.
“You can ask, but I’m not sure I’ll answer.”
He inched closer, studying the perfect details of her face as if he were discovering something new. With a finger, he reached out and softly touched the tanned skin on her face and traced the outline of her chin. When he proceeded to her throat, Annie grabbed his finger with her hand.
“What did you want to ask me?” Annie asked.
He inhaled deeply, caught her eyes with his, and held her captive. “Do you still love me?”
Once again, Annie pulled away. “I can’t answer that.”
“You can’t…or you won’t?”
She tilted her head up to him and tipped her chin in a silent stand-off. “I refuse to reveal too much of myself to you. That was a hard lesson I learned a long time ago, Michael. I won’t make the same mistake twice, because I’m certain I couldn’t survive the backlash a second time.”
“It doesn’t have to be like that.”
“Oh, yes it does. This time, it’s not just me I’m protecting. I have two little girls to think about now and how my actions effect their futures.”
“I understand,” he sighed, leaning in to press his lips to her cheek. “I'll miss you,” he whispered with tenderness. “And I will call.”
“I’m not doubting that you will.”
He smiled, exhaustion registering in his eyes. Then his hand slipped around her neck again and pulled her toward him until their foreheads touched. The tip of his nose grazed hers. She could feel his breath teasing her. Hot and moist, it bounced off her lips. Her mind struggled to retain control. His mouth reached for hers, fluid and smooth, he breathed life back into her soul. Their hands clasped and entwined themselves tightly beside their bodies. He gave himself up to the sensation and moaned shamelessly.
When their lips parted he embraced her protectively, as if he never intended to release her. “You don’t have to say the words for me to know how you feel, Annie,” he sighed against her throat. “I know exactly what you’re feeling. I can feel it in your kiss. It’s written all over your face, and when I take you in my arms, your body positively sings to me. It’s the most intense thing I’ve ever felt. And, it’s all I can do to restrain myself from making love to you right here on the floorboards of this deck.”
He kissed his way back up her exposed throat and found her mouth. The pleasure was so exquisite his body began to tremble. “I know you’re not ready, sweetheart, and that’s okay. I don’t mind waiting. I’d wait forever because you’re worth it.” He smiled lazily and wiped the wetness from her swollen lips with the pad of his thumb. Mischief made his pale blue eyes twinkle with life.
Annie was speechless and stood like a wooden mannequin. Without further conversation, he disappeared, leaving an inferno blazing beneath her skin. She touched her throat where his mouth had been only moments before and exhaled slowly. No man had ever made her feel the way he did, and it happened naturally, like spontaneous combustion, whenever their flesh collided. Even after all they had been through, their years together and apart, one thing remained consistent. Her heart still belonged to Michael Wade.
She turned toward the ocean and closed her eyes. One whole week without him, she sighed. How would she ever survive?
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
The days dragged on endlessly that week for Annie. She was left with too many hours of loneliness to think about all the events that had led her to this moment. Sometime between his departure and Thursday night, it had all become clear to her. It was like a heavy fog had lifted from the harbor waters, and
everything suddenly fell into place. Jay was right. Once she had relaxed and allowed herself to see beyond the hurt, she was able to see the man she had fallen in love with so many years ago: a man very different because of the lessons he had been forced to learn, and yet the same. So many miles they had traveled - so many tears they had shed, and still they kept falling back together.
Sammi answered the phone when it rang on Thursday night. Annie was busy washing the dinner dishes, her arms up to the elbow covered with soapsuds. When she heard the recognition in her daughter’s voice she nearly dropped the glass she was scrubbing.
“Dah-da.”
After a short one-sided conversation, Sammi handed the phone to her mother.
“Thank you, baby,” Annie replied, drying her hands as she pressed the telephone into the crook of her neck. And then she heard his voice, smooth, silky and warm. “Hi,” she cooed back, in a sweet school girl sort of way.
“How are you doing?” he asked.
“I’m good. How about you?” she smiled, fanning the heat that now flushed her face.
“It’s been an interesting week, but somehow I still managed to accomplish a lot.”
“Oh, really? I’m happy for you,” she sighed nervously.
“Did Sammi or Angel do anything spectacular this week that I missed?”
Annie laughed. “No, nothing that monumental. It was a fairly typical week for us. A little boring without you here though.”
“Really? Does that mean you missed me?”
Annie felt her eyes begin to mist and squeezed them tightly. A silent pause filled the phone. “We can talk about that when you get here. That is, if you’re still coming over to the island?” she asked hopefully.
“I’m already packed.”
“Good. The girls can’t wait to see you,” she sighed with relief, a nervous shiver quaking her body.
“How about you? Are you as excited to see me as the girls are?”
“Michael, you said you wouldn’t pressure me.”
“You’re right and I’m sorry.” He paused thoughtfully before he spoke again. “Do you think you could ever forgive me?”
