by Lisa Farrell
Day by day, year by year, she had mastered wearing various masks as she played different roles in her life. History had told her to keep her masks on, as the world had not been receptive to her echoed words and truth when, as a child, she had tried to ask for help. Her slipping masks had resulted in exposed scars that had been met with so-called caregivers turning on her and using her uniqueness and differences as weapons against her, leaving her more walled in and alone. This became her comfort zone.
Sometime over the next few weeks, Pyrs’s energy kept landing as petals in front of her cage. His energy was something different; it appeared that he was not trying to break her down but to lift her up. Though she had tried and failed to understand his true motive for befriending her, she continued to communicate with him. She knew her research and analysis of his character must remain an internal discussion and that she needed to turn to prayer for answers, but instead she tried to play God for herself and allowed her own biased logic to make sense of what her soul knew may not have been right.
There wasn’t any pressure; they just got along. Throughout Anthony’s visits, they spent a lot of time together. During her long hours at work, Pyrs always found time to reach out with funny anecdotes over the course of the day, which allowed her to relax and enjoy her day more. Spending time with both of them gave her something to look forward to each evening. Cage dreaded the day Anthony would leave at the end of his temporary work assignment, as she knew Pyrs would return to his life and she to hers.
Pyrs, however, had no intention of going back to normal and made his intentions known the day after Anthony’s departure, when he invited her on a hike.
Chipped Walls
Day and night, they go around her upon her walls, and iniquity and mischief are in her midst.
—Psalm 55:10
Cage found great delight in the evening drives through the country with Pyrs. They allowed her the opportunity to let her hair down. The pretentious facade she wore to deflect unwanted attention was replaced with a gentler smile. With him she could discuss anything without judgment, and their eclectic conversations often started with “How come…” or “What would…” or “Have you ever…” They discussed observations of cloud shapes, their love of music, world politics; no topic was outlawed. Most of their drives included stopping at various restaurants for food, which they preferred to eat on deserted beaches or near cliffs where they could look at the stars.
Pyrs started to notice the way she would evade certain topics, the way her face muscles would stiffen, and the way her fingers would curl into a little fist when they discussed certain recent events. He knew there had to be more to her story, but he was unsure how to approach it and what dark stories she kept hidden. Pyrs struggled to focus on his driving while skirting around certain topics of conversation. Out of desperation, he would stop the car, pretending to take scenic photos but sneaking pictures of her face without her knowledge or consent.
Her eyes were unconventionally beautiful, requiring minimal makeup to stand out. He enjoyed the days she wore little to no makeup, as it allowed him to see her imperfections, which he thought made her even more striking. During one conversation, he reminded himself of their growing friendship while sneaking a deep look at her eyes. The passion that flared from them struck him head-on as she spoke about a movie she had watched that week and how it inspired her to keep going for her dreams despite her present obstacles. He felt the heat and excitement glowing like stars beneath her lashes as she spoke. There was something hypnotic about her. She wasn’t even trying to excite him; she was just being herself. Not every day was perfect, and her trust in him had allowed him to see her at various stages.
One day he arrived early and unannounced to take her to a mutual friend’s beach party. It was at that moment he saw a break in her wall. He walked in to see her on her knees, unaware of his presence. He remembered their discussions on religion, and finding her in this posture did not surprise him. She always appeared to have a stronger connection to God that did not follow the traditions he was taught as a child. He was constantly amazed at her ability to remain positive, even when she seemed at the point of breaking from the steady flow of battles she faced in her career and family life. Pyrs did not know many people, including himself, who could face the battles that she fought daily; yet here she was again, pulling inspiration from the universe to keep going. Not only did she hold on to that inspiration and take the necessary steps to achieve her goals but she shared that energy with others. The woman was incapable of being selfish or hurting anyone. After seeing her pray, he wondered how many times she had done this and if this was how she drew her strength.
Stolen Kiss
Let him kiss me with kisses of his mouth.
—Song of Solomon 1:2
As he sat on the beach, watching her play in the sand, he wondered if she knew how beautiful she was—not just in her physical appearance, which he already knew she was ignorant of. Was she aware of the light that seemed to flow through her pores? It was the same light that encouraged so many suitors to vie for her attention. He had never seen a woman shy away so much from male attention, but after spending so much time with her and getting her to open up a little, he had learned and observed for himself that she would always find fault with any man’s attempt and could predict, accurately, that their intentions were insincere and purely sexual. They had spent nights hanging out in groups, and men approached her with little or no chance of keeping her attention as she appeared either disgusted or frightened by them.
Tonight, he could fully understand the sexual appeal. Her outline in the thin white dress showed the sensual curves of a real woman. Why did he not notice that this woman was sexy? From day one, he saw that she was beautiful—he adored her personality and overall attitude—but tonight he was painfully aware of his physical attraction to her. He listened to her sing along and saw her dance to the music with the kids from the party. She looked so happy and alive—a full contrast to the woman he had seen earlier that day—as she played with the edge of the sea. It was clear that part of her was free and unaware of his presence, as her dance-like movements crossed between a curious child and a ballerina.
He remained silent as he watched her movements, as if seeing her for the first time. The full moon allowed him to see her golden skin shimmer, and her eyes were so alive that he felt himself wanting to fall into them. As if in a trance, he moved from his area of the party, ignoring the conversation that he was part of, and walked up directly behind her and the kids. He knew he shouldn’t cross the friendship line; she had told him enough stories of recent men who had approached her like hunters and, in their attempts to win her, had left her feeling uncomfortable and unsafe. With a quick turn, she faced him. She searched his face as he tried not to reveal his true feelings. But Pyrs knew that she had somehow had already sensed it. There was something mystical in the way she could read people. She had briefly mentioned to him before how this ability protected her in her past, but he never knew how much that protection was needed.
Her eyes searched him as the music changed and the kids ran back to their parents. She knew they were at a delicate point of their friendship, and it would be wise to step back and discuss some random topic. She lifted her feet slightly with the intention to turn when his hands encircled her to hug her. She did not feel threatened, but she was wary of what might occur. She traced the outline of his face with her eyes in the moonlight, with special attention to his lips; they always looked so inviting. Before she could mutter her thoughts to him, he leaned in and kissed her gently. He did not overwhelm her but took his time, tasting each lip with soft kisses that made her shiver. His lips and firm embrace felt like forbidden fruit—warm, sensual, and a little too tempting.
He was never a strong churchgoing man, but if this was what heaven felt like, he was ready to go back to Sunday school. Her kiss intoxicated him, and he felt his control over the situation slip away with each movement of her tongue. The fruity smell of her hair m
ixed with the coconut oil on her skin was overpowering. Every second brought him closer to passion; he knew he had crossed a line that would result in torment for them both, but he couldn’t let go of her and started to caress her back. Her eyes opened, allowing him a glimpse of the fiery passion she fought to control. His reflection in her eyes was too much for him; he gripped her even closer. In seconds, he had pulled her to the sand, so driven by his passion that he didn’t notice her body had gone rigid. The desire in her eyes was quickly replaced with fear as she started to feel that it was wrong. Deaf to her whimpers, he reached for her shoulders, kissing them as if they were forbidden fruit.
As she fought for control of the situation, her body betrayed her to her own yearnings. She did not understand how she could fear and then desire him, though she knew she was aroused from his caress. When he touched her, flashes of her past reclaimed her sanity, and the scream of a broken woman escaped her lungs as she fought and pleaded for him to let her go. He fell back, shaken, but unaware of what had just occurred, with his loss of control, and the reason for her explosive and scared reaction.
For a minute, all he could do was to stand back in silence and look at her. The pain in her eyes was undeniable, and he was unable to comprehend what was happening. There was no hope or excitement in her brown eyes. Instead, their beauty was replaced with a cold, primitive pain and what looked like genuine fear. Pyrs knew an apology would not suffice. He wasn’t even sure what he had done wrong. He knew that he had gone a little too far, and he might have scared her with this new hunger for her. But this was clearly more than that; she was terrified. He got up and took a few steps back to assure her that he meant no harm, and he waited for her to feel safe again. When her body stopped shaking, he tried calling out her name, unsure if she was actually in the present or tormented by something else.
Cage knew she would have to explain her reaction, but she wasn’t sure if she was ready to expose her past for fear of judgment and rejection. She could hear him calling her name as she fought back the tears. She could run and never speak to him again, but he would blame himself. And this was not his fault. With swollen eyes, she looked at him and told him the truth.
Truth Is
For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light.
—Luke 8:17
In a secluded spot on the beach, away from the remnants of the party, Cage laid bare all of her past, sharing more than she had with any man. Her inability to have children always haunted her, but she had made up her mind that if she could not carry her own, then she would love every unloved child in the world. She had tried to make her peace with that, but tonight had reopened a past that she had kept hidden for many years. Pyrs’s touch, though it aroused the dormant woman within her, had also awoken the fractured teenager who had experienced sexual abuse at the hands of a family member. This abuse had left her young, underdeveloped body not just emotionally scarred but unable to conceive due to the violence and the sexually transmitted infections she had carried for years. As she suffered in silence as a young girl, she remained unaware of the long-lasting physical damage. It was not until she was older that she had enough strength to ask her doctor about the reoccurring pains she experienced. Though she was cured of the infections, it was too late to reverse the damage done to her womb. Every gynecologist and fertility specialist had explained that there was no hope for her to ever conceive or carry her own child.
There wasn’t much Pyrs could do but stare at her. He had been such a fool. There had been enough signs for him to know something was wrong. She would appear distant when he spoke about his love for children and desire to have children in the future. He knew she loved kids and was very protective of any child she cared for, but there was always a longing look in her eyes that she would try to hide. Her various community activities were focused on children, and she was undeniably dedicated to each cause. He now understood the emotional scars she carried and her sporadic Jekyll-and-Hyde personality.
With this new knowledge and what had occurred moments ago, he knew she would still be wary of his presence. He reached for her hand and held it tight. He wished he could take away the pain and cursed himself for acting on blind lust earlier. As her body relaxed, he edged closer, holding her just enough to let her know that he would never hurt her.
Pyrs knew he was already in trouble. There was no going back after this point. He refused to be the cause of any hurt or disappointment in her life; she had suffered enough. He would protect her with his life. Nevertheless, he understood that what she deserved and that what he wished he could give her was impossible. He held on to her, wiping away her flowing tears, not daring to move from where she had collapsed in his arms. The release of her past had left her weak and vulnerable.
He was not sure how long they held on to each other. The party was over hours ago, but he felt like he would never let her go. Pyrs felt so foolish. He had no idea this woman carried so much grief and pain inside her. To the world, she looked like superwoman, always willing to put others before herself, even if it tore at her soul. He knew his destiny was already written, but he couldn’t let her go. The universe clearly had a sick sense of humor for bringing them together, especially now.
Feeling Pyrs’s body go rigid, Cage looked through her tears and into Pyrs’s face. In the fullness of the moon, she saw him in a new light. He was truly a handsome man. His face was chiseled, not like the men in those oversexualized romance novels but like a real man. The lines on his forehead appeared deep as he concentrated on what she had revealed. Cage felt pain in her chest and wondered if she was having an attack. But as they gazed into each other’s eyes, she knew the truth. They both knew it. As if revealed by the moonlight, they both saw it at the same time. He was in love with her, and even though she fought it, she was in love with him too. He leaned her back slightly, just enough so their faces aligned, as he gently kissed her forehead and whispered, “I love you.” She wanted to say the words, to shout her love for him across the beach, but she knew her bandaged heart was too fragile and not ready for what lay ahead. Knowing she couldn’t give him the words he wanted to hear, she kissed him, this time allowing her body to relax.
He could feel the difference in this kiss. Wary of overreacting again, he nervously followed her lead. Though they were alone on the deserted beach, he thought it best to lift her and take her behind the boulders. With gentle kisses, they held on to the moment in the sand, forgetting everything and everyone, their pasts and their destinies. Pyrs felt Cage give herself to him and was glad that the moon was not bright enough for her to see his tears.
As she lay in his arms, Cage felt safe. She was unsure what the rising sun would bring. But she knew somewhere in her heart that he would never hurt her.
After All Is Said
Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way.
—Proverbs 19:2
Cage was awakened by his stirring beneath her. She wasn’t quite sure where she was, but she knew she was safe.
Pyrs lay beneath her, awake, trying his best not to wake her while he played with her hair and listened to her steady breathing. He wanted to hold on to the moment for as long as he could. He feared that the tsunami of life might come crashing in at any moment and wondered what would be left of them after.
They were late. They got up and rushed to the car without many words, knowing the night they spent together on the beach was forbidden. Decisions would have to be made, but not now or anytime soon. For the next few weeks, their schedules pulled them in various directions, keeping them away from each other. Pyrs made sure they communicated daily, but neither he nor Cage brought up that night. Skype calls about random daily events, different time zones, and them both getting food poisoning and missing flights did not allow for deep conversation. She noticed the way they both dodged the topic of that night on the beach. She had her own battles and revelations to contend with befor
e she could see him again.
A full two months passed before they could spend any quality time together, and by then, she knew there was so much she needed to say to him. Cage was not sure what to say or how to say it as she drove to his home. She was nervous and tried her best to get there safely. She had chosen to wear a dark-blue dress—one he had often complimented—with the hope that it would make her feel confident or at least look confident. He had called shortly after her plane landed that morning, inviting her to come over for a home-cooked meal. Cage knew it was time to face him. It might have taken her a while to say it, but she was now ready to tell him how much she loved him. She was willing to break down her walls and let him in. Though she had not prayed on her decision, she felt confident and safe that she had made the best choice.
Pyrs hugged her as she walked in. He hadn’t intended to lift her and kiss her, but he really missed her, and upon seeing her, he was reminded of how much he loved her. His heart ached as he looked at her face. She seemed radiant and looked even more beautiful than before. There was something different about her; he couldn’t put his finger on it. Maybe it was an inner glow, or maybe he missed her more than he let himself believe. Their conversation flowed without much effort over dinner. There was a level of comfort whenever they were together. No pretentious attitudes. No judgment; they were just two lost souls reconnecting.
As they moved to the couch to sip on wine, Cage realized that Pyrs looked tense and avoided eye contact with her. He was clearly happy to see her, but his tense demeanor was starting to worry her. She knew she had so much to tell him, and there was so much they needed to discuss, but something was up—she decided it was better to find out what was wrong. Her words would have to wait a little longer. She drew closer. Holding his hand, she asked him to be honest and tell her what was wrong. Cage had no clue that she would come to regret every decision she had made in relation to Pyrs.
