by Kerena Swan
For the next half hour, I sit with the laptop and research my symptoms. I’ve eliminated asthma, pulmonary embolisms, and lung disease and now have to face the fact that I’ve clearly been denying to myself. It looks like I’m suffering from panic attacks. I feel a deep sense of shame about this. I’ve always prided myself on being level-headed and calm and can’t believe I’d be afflicted by anxiety. I know deep down I’ve suspected this, but I’ve pushed the thought away again and again. I can’t bring myself to read any more at the moment. I’ll look at self-help techniques later but for now I’m going to clean the house until it’s time to collect Mia.
I feel better afterwards. The cleaning was somehow cathartic and gave me a sense of achievement, although it will all need doing again soon. At least the house will look a bit more presentable when Max comes to collect us. It’s getting a bit tired and scruffy, though. Some rooms could do with a lick of paint and the floorboards need re-sanding and waxing. Maybe I’ll take a few days leave to do some of it or try and squeeze DIY time into my weekends. Perhaps Max will help me. It’s so hard keeping on top of everything on my own. When Ryan lived here he was quite good at doing bits around the house and took pride in it. Maybe I should have married him when he asked but I’d recently read a news story about a woman remarrying then divorcing and I was scared of losing half my house like she did. It put me right off making the commitment. Ryan never really forgave me for rejecting his offer and I suppose that’s when we began to drift apart.
I suddenly realise the time and have to dash to the school. Mia is waiting in the playground, next to her teacher, almost running on the spot. As soon as she sees me she rushes forward, and I bend down to catch her. I pick her up, laughing at her exuberance, and twirl her around.
‘Where’s Max? Are we going now?’ I’ve told Mia that my friend Max is coming to the river with us and she accepted the news happily. ‘Have we got a picnic? Are we taking sweets?’
‘Max said he’d sort out the picnic, but I don’t think there’ll be sweets. We can get an ice cream, though.’ Mia skips along beside me and I find myself joining in.
Mia hides behind my leg when Max arrives but he’s wonderful with her. He kisses me warmly on the cheek and pretends he can’t see her.
‘I thought you said Mia was coming to the river with us? What a shame if she misses it. I’ve brought us a lovely picnic with lots of goodies.’ Mia sidles around my leg and Max leaps back in feigned surprise. ‘Oh! I didn’t see you there. You made me jump.’ He clutches his chest and she giggles. ‘Would you like to see what’s in the picnic?’
She nods, her eyes as wide as the funny emoji Tilly sends on texts.
I lead Max through to the kitchen and he places two carrier bags on the table. He’s bought a crunchy loaf, soft cheese, ham, and olives for us and some cheese strings, funny face ham, and yoghurt for Mia. There are raspberries, chocolate biscuits, and cartons of fruit juice too. We don’t usually have this many treats in one go and I feel a rush of gratitude to him for the effort he’s gone to. Mia’s face is a portrait of excitement.
‘May I have a biscuit now, please?’
‘Well, as you ask so nicely I’ll check with Mummy.’ Max says.
I nod, and he hands her one. She beams at him and I see his expression soften as he smiles back at her. I’m so pleased they seem to be hitting it off. I wish Tilly would be as easy to win round. Why do kids suddenly become so cynical?
‘Did you see my text about Ivy?’ I ask him. ‘Is she OK? She called me last night asking me to go around.’
Max looks surprised. ‘She’s fine,’ he says brusquely, and I feel a bit hurt. ‘Social Services will sort it, so don’t worry yourself.’ He appears to realise he’s being curt with me and his expression softens.
‘I’m so sorry about cancelling the care. I’d been reading through your agency’s service users’ guide and it talked about maintaining professional boundaries at all times. It said employees are not allowed to meet socially with families and aren’t allowed to take on private or additional unpaid work. I thought it would stop us seeing each other and I couldn’t face that. I hope it didn’t get you into too much trouble.’
‘A little, but worth the hassle, really.’
I smile at him, relieved and not sure how much to say. He’s right about the professional boundaries bit. It’s in the contracts. What I’d really like to tell him is how I think he’s amazing and I’d give up my job and look for another if it meant I could still see him.
‘How are you feeling?’ Max asks. ‘I was concerned about you when you rang.’
‘I’m OK now.’ In truth, I’m too ashamed to say I think I’m having panic attacks but he probably already knows. After all, he told me his mum had similar symptoms.
‘Come on. Let’s go,’ Mia says, interrupting us now that she’s finished her chocolate treat.
‘Don’t you come over all bossy,’ I say, laughing at her impatience. ‘Let’s sort this food out then we’ll leave.’
The weather is brightening as we approach Longholme boating lake. The banks of trees spilling over the river’s edge are duplicated in the water; the rich autumn colours making me catch my breath with their splendour. We find a quiet stretch of grass and spread out the picnic on a tartan rug. I feel like I’m in a film. Everything seems so perfect and romantic. A shaft of sunlight flickers through the leaves and dapples us in patches of warmth. I bite into a mouthful of crispy bread covered in soft cheese. Mmm, wonderful. This is idyllic.
Max looks relaxed and happy although he has dark circles under his eyes. He must be working long hours. We chat comfortably, and Max makes sure Mia is included. I love him for this. I long to hold his hand but I don’t want to move things on too quickly in front of Mia. I need to be sure of the relationship before she witnesses any intimacy between us.
Sitting in the rowing boat I’m struck by the power in Max’s arms as the craft tugs forward with each dip of the oars. It seems so effortless.
‘Do you row at the gym, by any chance?’ I ask.
Max grins at me. ‘Can you tell?’ he replies.
The oarlocks creak and water trails like diamond necklaces off the flat wooden oars as they lift out of the lake. The swaying and pulling of the boat and the gentle lap of water against the sides is very soothing and I start to feel drowsy.
We reach the far side of the pond in no time. Max rests the oars and we drift slowly near hanging willow then he guides us back towards the middle of the lake. Mia trails her hand in the water and looks down intently for frogs. I peer over the side, the smell of river and weeds strong in my nostrils. The flickering light on the water dazzles me.
‘Ooh, what’s that?’ Max is pointing behind me. Mia cranes her neck and I turn to look. A swan emerges from the reeds then sails sedately away from us, his wings arched over his back. Mia looks awestruck.
‘Wow! A swan. Will we see an otter now?’ I’m about to answer her when I hear a plop in the water. I turn back and think I see a bubble surface at Max’s end of the boat but I’m not sure as the sun has drawn dark spots in my eyes.
‘What was that?’ I ask.
He looks blankly at me as though he hasn’t heard it.
‘I heard something fall in the water.’
‘Must have been a fish,’ he says.
The sky has darkened suddenly and within minutes fat spots of rain create a Spirograph of circles on the lake. We’re at the furthest point from the boat house so Max expertly turns the boat and takes us close to the bank under a canopy of branches and leaves. Mia squeals in delight.
‘We’re in a cave! A tree cave. Can we stay here?’ Her little face is wet from the rain, but she doesn’t care. She brushes strands of damp hair from her cheeks with the palms of her hands. ‘I told you I needed my wellies!’ she laughs.
Sitting in the café, nursing hot chocolates, we look a sorry sight. Our hair is bedraggled and our clothes damp, but it doesn’t matter. I’m with Max and Mia and I couldn’t be happier. Well,
maybe I could if Tilly were here but then she’d probably be grumpy and take the shine off the day.
‘Isn’t it funny how the moment we got in here and sat down the sun came out again,’ Max says.
‘Maybe we should sit in the sun to dry off?’ I say.
Max looks at me and reaches under the table to hold my hand. I squeeze his fingers gently and am reminded of the first time I held his hand. He strokes the back of my hand with his thumb then seeing Mia looking across at him, lifts his hand gently away and picks up his coffee. I see the signet ring on his little finger.
‘Is that a ‘P’ or an ‘R?’
‘It’s a ‘P’ for Patricia but it got scratched doing some gardening. I need to get it refinished.’ He pauses. ‘Patricia was my mother.’
‘You said was,’ I say softly.
‘She died when I was nine. I found her in bed when I got home from school.’ He glances over at Mia but she isn’t listening. The lady at the counter has given her a small bowl of mini marshmallows and she’s absorbed in building pyramids with them. When one topples off she pops it in her mouth.
‘That must have been a terrible time for you.’
‘I’d have been taken into care if I hadn’t gone to live with my nan.’
‘What was your mother like?’
‘Wonderful, but sadly she suffered with manic depression, or bi-polar as they call it now. When she was on a high she was funny, loving, exciting, and exhausting. When she was depressed she lay in bed for days or weeks at a time and I had to fend for myself.’
‘How awful. It sounds like you really loved her, though.’
‘I did. She taught me so much; how to appreciate beauty, how to care about other people, and inadvertently – how to be independent.’ He laughs. ‘I became quite adept at shopping on a budget and preparing simple meals. I could probably have survived at home on my own for a while, but Social Services said I’d have to go into care. That’s when Nan stepped in and I moved in with her. She even gave up her chance of promotion to manager to be at home for me.’
‘Ivy is lovely. I miss seeing her.’ I look out of the window at the tranquil pond and think about how she made me laugh. When I look back at Max his expression has changed.
‘It’s best you don’t see her. It really isn’t appropriate.’
I’m a little disappointed by this. Surely now that my agency is out of the picture I could meet her socially through Max?
‘Mummy, can we go now? Can we see if there’s an ice cream man?’ Mia has finished her marshmallows and is beginning to fidget on her chair.
Max gently strokes the back of my arm and I feel somewhat mollified. As we leave the restaurant my mobile rings. It’s Karen.
‘Sorry to disturb you on your day off but the police have called. They want to speak to you about Lydia. Apparently, the boyfriend hasn’t seen her all week and her mother has reported her missing.’
Max can see the shock on my face, so I relay the nature of the call, telling him about Lydia. He looks totally stricken. Wow. He is such a caring man.
46
The phone call had been like a blow to the stomach. What if the police check him out and find evidence? Max has sneaked out of work early and now has the vacuum cleaner on the drive, thoroughly cleaning the boot of his car. He goes through a checklist in his head. He’s removed the plastic liner and surreptitiously disposed of it in someone’s wheelie bin up the street. His outer clothing and footwear are safely in the Tesco recycling bin. The tarpaulin and bungee ropes went in the grave with Lydia and nothing he’s used was a recent purchase. He wore gloves at all times.
To be on the safe side, Max decides to vacuum the back seats as well in case any fibres have strayed. As he lifts the floor mat behind the driver’s seat he sees a small, bright yellow soft toy. Woodstock. It must belong to Mia. He didn’t see her take it into the car, but he remembers Sophie telling him she was mad about Snoopy.
He stops the vacuum cleaner and stares unseeingly out of the window, a smile spreading across his face. Sophie hasn’t mentioned the missing toy in her texts, so Mia must have slept OK without it. This is an absolute gift. He now has an excuse to call round this evening to drop it off. He sends Sophie a quick text and she responds straight away.
Before he goes he must replace his tail light bulb. He doesn’t want to be stopped by the police again. His frayed nerves can’t take it. He’d been so worried the police officer would smell the decayed flesh on him, but he hadn’t leaned into the car. Max had leaned out instead, so the policeman could check his breath for alcohol and besides, the new air freshener was quite strong. He’d driven with all his windows open after that to give the car a blast of fresh air.
His stomach flutters with excitement at seeing Sophie again but a twist of anxiety takes hold at the thought of meeting Tilly. He knows teenagers can be difficult and he doesn’t have much experience of dealing with them. What will he say to her? How’s school? Do you have a boyfriend? Who’s your favourite band? He cringes at the clichés. He needs to think of a way to engage with her. He switches the vacuum cleaner back on and continues to hoover the seats and floor.
As he works, his mind drifts to yesterday’s outing. He can honestly say, hand on heart, that it was the happiest day of his life so far. He feels deeply saddened that he’s reached the age of thirty-eight and only just experienced a warm and loving relationship with another woman. He’s had a few brief encounters and sex but that’s all it ever amounted to. Nan had chilled his heart with fear.
‘Don’t get too close to anyone, Max, or you might be tempted to confess you killed someone.’
His vision blurs as tears fill his eyes. All those wasted years. He could so easily have lost Sophie too if his nan had been given further opportunities. He was mortified when Sophie told him that Ivy had called her, the conniving old cow. He’s tempted to go around there to warn her to leave Sophie alone but he’s still angry with her and can’t face her. It sounds like Sophie knows not to go there anyway but all the same he’ll go and see her in a day or two. Perhaps a brief absence will make her realise he’s serious about cutting himself off from her.
If Ivy commits any more crimes he’ll have nothing to do with it. He’ll deny any knowledge of previous killings and he doubts they’ll find any of the bodies. Ivy doesn’t even know where they are. Maybe spending more time with Sophie will give him an alibi if needed. He wants to make a fresh start, but he has to be so careful. He couldn’t bear for Sophie to find out what he’s really like. He’s relieved he managed to dump Lydia’s phone in the lake. It was a close-run thing though; Sophie almost caught him. He hates lying to her but doesn’t have any choice.
Max changes the tail light bulb then goes indoors for a shower and some clean clothes. He should have changed the bulb yesterday, but they didn’t have one in stock locally and he didn’t have time to go across town. Never mind. It’s done now, and he wasn’t stopped again. The police probably used it as an excuse to see who was out and about in the early hours. He knows how they operate so he’d been scrupulously polite, and they’d bought his story about his nan being ill. They’d let him go with a warning to get it changed quickly.
Thirty minutes later, Max parks carefully near Sophie’s house and glances at the bus stop as he walks past. He doesn’t have to sit in there shivering anymore. It feels like the ten-foot thorny hedge has melted away and at last he has a magic key to the golden palace. He laughs at his own fanciful thoughts and knocks on the door. A slim girl with long blonde hair answers. Ah, a princess. This is what Sophie must have looked like twenty years ago; heartbreakingly beautiful but without the self-confidence that maturity brings. Tilly glances at him then her gaze slides away.
‘Hi, I’m Max.’
‘Yeah, I guessed.’ Tilly opens the door slowly then for a second he thinks she’s going to close it again. She steps aside as he crosses the threshold.
‘Muuuumm!’ her sudden shout makes him jump and she snorts with laughter. He laughs with her, f
eeling a crack in her icy demeanour. He hears movement then a small pair of legs appears at the top of the staircase. Mia clomps down in frog wellies, raincoat, and hat.
‘I’m playing boats and rivers,’ she announces. ‘Do you want to play? Look.’ She takes his hand and draws him into the lounge where he spots a cardboard box on the floor with a broom and a mop slotted through two holes in the sides.
‘Wow! What a fantastic boat. Who made that?’
‘Mummy. She’s clever. Get in.’
‘It sounds like you’re being bossy again, Mia. Sorry, Max.’
He turns to see Sophie coming into the room in tight jeans and a soft, baggy jumper. Her hair and eyes are shining, and he feels a catch in his throat. God, she’s incredible. He can’t believe he’s in her house as a welcome guest, well almost. Tilly is staring at him, judging his reaction to seeing Sophie and he is instantly reminded of his Nan’s disapproving glare.
He turns back to Mia and says, ‘Sorry, Mia. I don’t think I’ll fit in that box. How about I push you along though?’ She leaps in eagerly and grabs the poles. He jumps aside as a damp mop slaps against his trouser leg.
‘Oops! Sorry,’ Mia says.
Tilly has a smile on her face now and Max can’t decide if she’s mocking him or pleased to see Mia enjoying herself.
‘Have you eaten?’ Sophie asks.
‘Erm, I had a snack a couple of hours ago.’
‘Would you like to stay for something to eat? We’re about to have shepherd’s pie. Nothing special I’m afraid.’
‘That would be wonderful,’ he says.
