by Audrina Lane
I watched as he drove away, he turned to wave and shouted out of the window “Write soon, I’m looking forward to your first letter” the tears fell down my cheeks as I waited until he was out of sight, I really wanted to just run after him and beg him not to go and fling myself back into his arms. Instead I wiped the tears away before I headed through my door and then they fell again as I lay in bed remembering all that had happened and holding the mix tape in my hands.
Putting the diary back in place I tried to remember all the songs that had been on the mix tape. It was a tape that I had played over and over again in the months that we were together. So many special songs with so many memories and firsts connected to them. Even now as I played different songs on the radio one would catch me by surprise and spring me back to a moment in my life. Music was such a powerful memory tool and one that I could never silence, not matter the pain it bought. Love was such a heady cocktail of emotions and I had been drunk on those feelings back then when I was with James.
Chapter 8.
Charlotte arrived home from school and dance practise and flopped down onto a chair in the kitchen
“Good day” I asked
“Ok, practise was good we are working on a dance to the Rhianna song Umbrella” she said
“Yes I do know that song” I replied “I’ll look forward to seeing it at some point” I finished.
“Mrs Grantley has entered us into a competition and we should know soon if we have made it to the heats for the Midlands area” Charlie said.
“That sounds good, I’ll get tea on” I said
“I’ll go for a shower and be back down in a bit” my daughter said.
Over tea we discussed the dance competition a little more and then I told Charlie about the event we were hoping to put on in the summer called “Rock on the River” with various local bands and performers to help raise money for the hospital.
“That definitely sounds good, can our group dance at it?” Charlie asked
“Don’t see why not” I replied.
“Well, I’d better go and finish my homework” she said, leaving the table.
“Ok” I replied “I’ll bring you a hot drink up later if you like”
“Thanks Mum” she finished, as she left the kitchen for her room.
Charlie didn’t actually have any work to do but the diary was calling to her so she settled down on her bed and opened it back up for another dip into her Mum’s teenage years.
Sunday 31st January, 1988.
The rain beating on the window pane woke me up eventually and I thought how apt it was that the weather matched my mood. The only thing I had to look forward to was giving a Sarah a call on the phone and letting her know how yesterday had gone and also the mix tape to listen too.
It was certainly an eclectic mixture of songs. I loved the up beat sound of Madness and Baggy Trousers, who James had mentioned were his favourites. And of course there were some Wham and George Michael tracks on their too! Finally there were a few songs that were taken from the Top Gun soundtrack, including the slow ballad ‘Take my breath Away’ which I played a few times to allow the words to sink in, they spoke of my situation
“Watching I keep waiting, still anticipating love”
Then I suddenly remembered that James had possibly not left yet and could still be just down the road at this very moment. Leaping off the bed I pulled on my shoes and hurried out of the door
“Just off for a walk Mum” I shouted, as I grabbed my handbag too. I knew that the video shop would be open at noon so I could call in and see if they had a copy of Top Gun I could borrow. I ran the short distance downhill to the entrance of the avenue and then paused. Would he still be there? Would he want to see me again this morning after saying goodbye last night? I hadn’t even put any make up on such was my urgency.
Walking slowly into the road I couldn’t see any sign of movement but I kept going and as I neared the end I spotted a couple of large removal vans outside one of the houses. I could feel my heart beating in my chest already at the thought of seeing James for one final time. I walked closer and then paused as my nerve failed me and I turned around again. Slowly I headed back along the pavement but then I heard footsteps running behind me and I turned to see James.
“Steph, fancy seeing you here” he exclaimed
I blushed and tried to look away from his gaze but he reached out and grabbed my hand
“Don’t run off, it’s great to see you again before we leave” he said.
“How’s it going” I asked, motioning at the large vans.
“Just putting the last few things in now” he said, glancing down at his watch “We’re hoping to leave in about ten minutes” he finished.
“I’d better go then and let you get finished” I said, trying to pull away but his hand held mine tightly.
“I’m glad you came” he breathed. He took my other hand in his and stepped closer to me. I briefly closed my eyes as I started to feel dizzy as my heart continued to pound away inside my chest. Letting go of my hands his arms wrapped around my trembling body and held me close for what seemed like an age. I laid my head on his chest; I could smell his deodorant and aftershave mingling together. I was certain he could feel me shaking in his embrace. I felt his hand running up my spine and to my neck and then round to my chin to tilt my face towards him. Opening my eyes I watched as he bent down towards me and so I closed them again as his lips touched mine for a final kiss. It didn’t feel like a goodbye kiss even though I knew that it was.
“James, James we’re leaving now” his Mum shouted from further down the road. We broke apart and I took one final look at him, filling my mind with his image so that I wouldn’t forget him. I could never forget him.
“I’ll write soon” I breathed
“Bye Steph” he replied
“Bye James” I managed to say, even though I knew that I didn’t want to say it, let alone think about it. I watched him run back down the road and jump into the car. I waited as the two vans pulled off slowly down the street followed by the car. James was in the front passenger seat, next to his Dad. He waved as they passed me. Then the heavens opened and it started to rain hard. I didn’t pull my hood up as it splashed onto my hair and then ran down my face. It helped to hide the tears that were falling as I waved until the car turned out of sight. Looking back down the road at his empty house it mirrored the empty feeling within me. Rain trickled down my spine between my clothes, tracing the line that his hand had just taken.
Walking down the road I turned in the opposite direction and headed into town. It eventually stopped raining so I wiped the mixture of rain and tears from my face as I neared the video shop. Heading inside I spotted Chris standing at the counter and went straight over to him
“Hi Chris, do you have a copy of Top Gun I could hire” I asked.
“Hi Steph, yes of course we do” he said. He walked out from behind the counter and straight to the exact shelf where the box was. Returning to the counter he found the video tape and placed it inside.
“Membership number” he asked
“808” I replied as he tapped it in and scanned the video out to me.
“You do know that’s James favourite film” he said, handing it across to me as I passed him the money.
“Yes” I nodded, feeling the choke of fresh tears rising in my throat just at the mention of his name. I looked away quickly before Chris could see them.
“I’ll miss him” Chris said. I just nodded and fled.
Back at home I wandered into the kitchen where Mum was preparing dinner for later.
“Is it ok for me to watch a video” I asked.
“Yes sure, I think Dad’s in his office so the room’s all yours” she replied. Grabbing a glass of lemonade I shrugged off my wet coat and shoes and raced into the lounge. Placing the tape into the machine I waited for the film to begin. It started with lots of military planes flying around and I wondered if I was going to enjoy it at all. But then as Maverick
filled the screen and started to flirt with Charlie at the bar I was hooked. Hugging a pillow on the sofa I studied the love scene and wondered how it would be if it was James and I entwined. Then I cried along with Maverick as Goose died. As the end screen faded I almost pressed rewind to watch it again but I didn’t have time.
All night my mind ran through the times I had spent with James, every word he had ever said to me, every time he had touched me and of course all the kisses. It was like watching my own film reel.
Monday 1st February, 1988.
As I walked to meet Sarah, June and Amanda I could see they were already deep in conversation. With June seeing me on Saturday night I guessed that I was going to be the main talking point of our walk to work this morning.
“Hi girls” I said, watching them all turn to look at me.
“Well aren’t you the dark horse” June said “Do tell us all the gossip” she finished. Her blue eyes stared me down and I could see the glint of anger there that she had not known anything about James.
“There’s not much to tell really” I began “I met James at the swimming pool a couple of weeks ago but he has just moved away with his parents” I finished.
“But I saw you together at the cinema” June pouted.
“Yes, as friends, spending some time together before he left on Sunday” I replied. I could already feel the tears trying to escape from the corners of my eyes. I hastily blinked them back.
“We are going to stay friends and write to each other” I said. I hoped that this was enough to satisfy them all.
“So nothing happened between the two of you” Amanda asked, joining in with the interrogation.
“Not really. He kissed me when he said goodbye on Saturday and he gave me a mix tape” I said, not wanting to share anything more with them.
“That’s a shame as he was gorgeous” June said.
“Yes it is” I replied as we neared the school gates. John was waiting for June so she switched her attention to him and left me alone. Sarah tucked her arm through mine
“Come on” she said softly. She had noticed my trembling lips and sore red eyes as she steered me in the direction of the nearest toilets.
Leaving school we headed into town as I needed to buy some writing paper, envelopes, stamps and for good measure a new pen too. I was on a mission to write and post my first letter to James that evening. Once home and in my room I took out the first sheet and paused. What should I write? Lacking inspiration I turned to my stereo and put in the mix tape that he had given me. At last I was able to write my first ever letter to James:
Dear James,
I will start by thanking you for the lovely time we spent together on Saturday night. The film was really good but the company was excellent.
I hoped that you didn’t mind me coming down to see you off on Sunday, I’m sorry if it was inappropriate but I just had to see you one last time..
How is the unpacking going? Have you settled into your new house ok? Please write and tell me what it’s like there. Have you managed to get a job yet?
School is ok, June wanted to know all about you after seeing us together on Saturday night. I have told her little bits but not much as she is a terrible gossip and I don’t need anything spreading round school. I am studying hard as it is exam year and I want to continue afterwards and do a media course. I have a mad ambition to work on radio as a DJ but we’ll have to wait and see if anything progresses on that front.
The mix tape is fantastic, I have been playing it non stop since you left as it reminds me of you.
Anyway, take care and write back soon
Your pen pal
Stephanie x”
Charlotte spied the other letters that were still tucked into some of the other pages of the diary. She wondered if her Mum had anymore elsewhere, perhaps hidden away in the attic.
Tuesday 2nd February, 1988.
On my way to meet Sarah I posted my first letter to James, as I knew that I had missed the later post on Monday evening. I had kept it friendly and chatty when really what I wanted to write was how much I loved him, how much I missed him. How I had been crying myself to sleep every night listening to the mix tape and wishing that he still lived down the road from me.
Catching up with Sarah we arranged to walk into town together after school as I had to return Top Gun to the video shop. On the way into town I turned to Sarah
“I’ve had an idea” I said
“Go on then, I’m guessing it’s about James”
“Yes, I’m going to tell him how I feel when I send him a Valentine’s Day card and present. After all what’s the worse thing that can happen? He is miles away anyway so if he never wants to see or speak to me again it won’t matter” I said.
“That’s brave of you” Sarah said “Are you sure”
“Not really but when we were together on Saturday and I also saw him again briefly on Sunday it was as though I could feel something between us. Something unspoken but at the same time real” I finished.
Nearing the video shop I turned Sarah towards me and handed her my lipstick
“You might need this” I said
“Why”
“Chris works here, you want to make a good impression” I said.
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier, like last night and I would have done my hair better. Trying to look good in this uniform is impossible” she sighed.
We walked in and spotted him talking to a guy at the back of the shop so we headed to the counter with the video. He turned and spotted us and waved but remained in conversation so we left.
“I knew it, he doesn’t like me” Sarah moaned. She slumped against the wall
“Don’t give up yet” I said “James did tell me he was shy” I finished. It was my turn to cheer my best friend up now.
Wednesday 3rd February, 1988.
Sarah made us walk past the video shop this evening on our way home so she could gaze at Chris. He saw us both and smiled and waved, Sarah was over the moon as we continued on our way home
“Do you really think I stand a chance with Chris” Sarah asked me.
“Well, I never thought I stood a chance with James but we are friends and who knows what might happen when I send him the Valentine letter” I replied.
“I shall send Chris a Valentine’s card then” Sarah proclaimed. Linking her arm through mine we were both smiling as we finished our journey home.
Thursday 4th February, 1988.
Thursday at school seemed to drag by and I waited for the chance to hurry home and see if there was a letter waiting for me from James. When I glanced through the envelopes on the side table in the hallway there was still no letter from James, where was it? He must have received mine by now as I sent it first class just to ensure its speedy arrival. Up in my room I did my homework later and listened again to the mix tape that James had given me. Closing my eyes I could still remember our one and only date, those memories were all that kept me going at the moment until his letter arrived. If his letter would ever arrive I considered as I lay beneath my duvet later. What if he had already met a gorgeous girl who lived in the same street? What if she was the same age as him? How could I compete when I lived so far away?
Friday 5th February, 1988.
Why was the post taking so long?
After school I met Sarah and we headed for the swimming pool. It would be my first visit there since the last time I had seen James. Walking onto the poolside I tried to stop from looking directly at the lifeguard chair at the deep end. It was filled with someone new and different. We walked up the side and I looked across at the diving board, so many memories tumbled off it, disappearing into thin air.
The noise of everyone else’s happiness echoes around the place but I can’t share in it. There was no one to grab our feet and drag us beneath the surface, no one to chase and no one to laugh with. However in some ways it did make me feel closer to James again. I swam underneath the water and paused in the spot where he first kisse
d me and where I had kissed him back. Was I imagining it or did the water feel slightly warmer there, or was it just the blush of my memories?
Saturday 6th February, 1988.
The postman has finally bought me an envelope and my first letter from James. Its lunchtime and I have already read it a thousand times and I have just written my reply ready to post this afternoon.
“Dear Steph,
How nice to get such a long letter from you so soon. Sorry about my handwriting I hope you can manage to read it ok?
The move went well and I have managed to get a job straight away at the local swimming pool as a lifeguard. I have made a couple of friends at the pool but I am missing all of you so much. The pool is much larger than the one in Ross-on-Wye and has a separate diving pool which is fantastic, although you might be a bit scared at the top of the high board!
I am glad you are enjoying the mix tape; I have been listening to my copy even though the Wham song makes me cringe slightly it also reminds me of you. I am hoping to sort out enough money to buy a car soon and then I will be able to head back and see you all again and catch up with Chris too. He phoned me the other day and said you had been in the video shop to hire Top Gun, did you enjoy it? I would love to fly a plane like that but America is a long way to go!!!
