by Audrina Lane
“Or it could be a genuine guy and he certainly seems to have cheered you up” Jack finished
“Yes, I like his taste in music so far and it might be a bit of fun if I can counteract his songs with others” I mused.
“Yes that could be good, it will see if he is serious or just mad” Paul said, as he drained his pint.
We parted on high spirits and I walked back to my car, keeping alert to any strange guys who might be lurking around. But as I didn’t see any I dismissed the thought and I was soon driving home. I reached the driveway just before seven and had just put the lights on when Charlotte breezed in too, hot and sweaty from her dancing
“How’s it going?” I asked, passing her a bottle of coke.
“Great Mum, costumes look fantastic and I need to talk to Mitch about what he will wear for his short appearance at the end” she said, as she headed upstairs for a shower.
“Dinner will be in half an hour” I finished, as I flicked the cooker on and found some pizza’s and wedges.
After her shower Charlotte perched on her bed and picked up her phone to drop Mitch a text asking if she could call him later. He agreed so with a smile on her face she headed towards the tempting smell of food that was wafting up the stairs. Her Mum seemed happy again today, which was a good sign.
“How’s work?” Charlotte asked, between slices of pizza.
“Good thanks, Rock on the River is shaping up to be a fantastic event”
“Yes, our group are looking forward to dancing at it, I am phoning Mitch later so I’ll ask him too” she said, still not sure if it was just this that had re-energized her Mum or something else.
I pulled out my laptop later and continued work whilst Charlotte headed for her room to speak to Mitch and to continue with the diaries. But I found myself drifting off into thoughts of my potential mystery man; I wondered what he looked like? Perhaps this was a good way of getting back out there? I truly felt as if I was finally moving on with my life. Over in Warwickshire James continued to scour through his music collection for songs that he hoped would speak to Stephanie.
Upstairs in her room Charlotte lay down on the bed and with some music on in the background she rang Mitch. He must have been waiting as the phone hardly rang before he picked up.
“Hi Charlie” he said, as she smiled as his lovely deep voice filled her ears. It had been less than twenty four hours since they had parted but she was already counting down the hours until end of college Friday.
“Hi Mitch, how are you?”
“Fine thanks and you?”
“Yes, just been at dance practice we are rehearsing every evening this week and next until the competition to make sure we are as perfect as we can get”
“Yes, we’re doing the same up here, I’m aching already and it’s only Monday night”
“Me too, I have discovered muscles I never knew I had that could ache so much” Charlie said, imagining Mitch’s fingers spreading massage oil all over her body.
“Yes I could just do with you giving me a massage” Mitch replied, and she gasped as his words had just perfectly matched her thoughts.
“I was just thinking the same thing” she purred
“So the video clip is in your emails now and I have sent if off to the organisers who are hoping to make a decision by Friday so we’ll have to keep our phones handy” Mitchell said, the excitement bubbling in his voice.
Holding her phone Charlie got up and headed over to her laptop to turn it on so she could check her emails.
“So what’s the plan this weekend?” Mitch asked.
“Lots of dance practice but I’m sure we could fit in something a bit more relaxing and fun” Charlie replied
“And did you have anything in mind” Mitchell replied, as she guessed that he was grinning and thinking of getting her naked.
“Cinema perhaps or a club?” Charlie replied “Oh and by the way Mum said you can sleep in my room” she finished, as again her mind shot off in the direction of what they had got up to the previous weekend.
“Excellent news, that spare room was a bit cold without your body pressed against mine” he murmured.
All of a sudden she clicked on the email attachment and the images started to fill the screen and with it memories of all the hard work they had put in as well as feelings of elation when they had nailed the lift the first time.
“I’m watching it now” she gasped, tears brimmed on her lashes at the beauty of the two of them dancing together on screen “It’s perfect” she sighed.
“Yes I’m pretty pleased with it too, I hope we get picked” Mitch responded, as he could faintly hear the music in the background through her phone.
“So what time shall I aim to get to your college?” Mitch asked.
“About three thirty as we have practice in the hall at four so it will give us half an hour together before that” Charlie replied.
Chapter 39
As Charlotte dived under the covers she yawned but was determined to read a bit more of the diaries as she hoped to finish them before the weekend so that she could discuss everything with Mitchell in person rather than over the phone or email. She scanned through the next few entries and then found one of the letters marking a page so she stopped there and started to read.
Thursday 24th November, 1988
As I returned from college I hoped that there would be a letter waiting for me from James, the wait between replies seemed to have stretched a bit longer but I put it down to his new job being much more demanding. I smiled as I entered the hallway and say the familiar cream envelope and spiky writing that could only belong to my love. I picked it up and then headed for my room to enjoy hearing about his life, the only link that held our relationship together when we were apart.
Lying down on my bed I couldn’t wait to hear his silent words talking to me from the page in my hands.
Charlotte paused and carefully opened the ragged envelope that was held tight by the pages of the diary. As she undid it she was careful as the paper felt so thin in her fingers as if it might crumble and break apart at any moment, taking with it the secrets it held.
“Dear Stephanie
In the past few weeks I have been thinking very deeply about our relationship and have come to the conclusion that it would be best if we split up. I was trying to work up the courage to tell you this the last time we were together so it could be face to face as I feel I owe you that, but there hasn’t been the right moment or if there was I was too much of a coward to tell you.
The tears that fell when I left you standing in the driveway were genuine tears of anger that I had failed to do this and have had to resort to words in a letter and tears of regret that we can no longer be together.
You have been the best girlfriend a man could ever hope to find in a lifetime but I feel that I have made you grow up too quickly and therefore have not given you the chance to date a few more boys of your own age as I was your first. I am also aware that you have hopes and dreams of our relationship becoming more permanent in the next year as you talk of learning to drive, colleges in Warwickshire and of a daughter called Charlotte. This scared me to death as there are so many more things that can be accomplished before talk of marriage and children should ever be considered, even between two adults who love each other.
Finally the distance between us is proving to be a big problem especially now you are studying media and enjoying your shifts on hospital radio. My job in the Fire Service is extremely demanding and working around your study and my shifts means we are seeing each other less and less. Keeping our relationship growing under these difficult circumstances would take a lot of hard work and effort on both our parts. I also know how much our parting each time we are together makes you crumble, I have seen your tears and I want to stop them so much but I know I can’t.
I hope that you are mature enough to understand my reasons for breaking things off between us and that perhaps we can still remain friends in the future.
Fondest regards
James”
Charlotte could still see the smudged words that would have happened when her Mum’s tears had fallen and hit the paper. She read through it once more and felt not just the same sadness that her Mum must of at the time but also anger at James for doing this. It made sense to her now she knew what pressure James was under from the bitch Felicity. Her Mum had not known this and would have just taken these words at face value. She returned to the diary entry and continued to read.
I held the letter as tears streamed down my cheeks and dropped slowly onto his words, perhaps if I cried enough they would disappear and it would all be a bad dream that I can wake up from. Then I felt anger so I just picked up the phone and dialled his number, my hand was shaking so much as I tried to choke back the sobs that were coming from deep within me. Pam answered the phone
“Hi Pam…….can I …….can I speak to James?”
“Yes I’ll just shout him for you…..are you ok?” Pam said, I could hear the worry in her voice.
“Yes, I just need to speak to James” I stammered, holding back the tears. I waited a few seconds and then I heard his voice
“Hi Stephanie, I guess you got my letter” he replied, a hint of nervousness tinged his voice.
“Yes” I whispered as the tears engulfed me and I started to cry heavily down the line.
“Steph…Steph please don’t cry…I’m really sorry that I had to tell you like that”
“But Why?” I mumbled
“I’ve told you why in the letter”
“I know…but I love you…I will always love you….till the end of time remember” I managed to say before I let the tears take over.
“You’ll find someone else, you’re very attractive, intelligent and sexy” his voice trailed off into the distance.
“But I don’t want anyone else, I WANT YOU” I shouted, trying desperately to make my words change his mind.
There was silence and I worried that he had hung up the phone, but I could still hear him breathing as he waited.
“Are you still coming down this weekend?” I was finally able to ask him.
“Well, I don’t really know”
“Please come….I need to talk to you in person, face to face, you at least owe me that” I muttered. I hoped that once he saw me again and was in my arms again these thoughts would leave him and he would once more be mine.
“Well” he paused “Ok then I’ll come and see you and we can sort everything out, Bye”
I was about to say ‘I love you’ but the line had already gone dead. I replaced the receiver and then picked up the letter once more, read it once more and then lay on my bed and cried for all I was worth. I cried until no more tears came and then I just sobbed, dry hollow coughs that hurt my chest. I just about managed to shout down to Mum and tell her that I wasn’t feeling well and was just going to sleep it off. I changed for bed and then before I climbed beneath the covers I put my stereo on and let the music on the mix tape waft quietly around the room. It didn’t calm me as slowly the real hot tears of my grief trickled down my cheeks and landed silently on the pillow.
As dreams eventually captured me I recalled the moment that we had first met at the pool, our first kiss beneath the water of the pool. The first time he had touched me and the perfect gift I had bestowed on him for his twenty first. All the amazing times we had spent together. Then I was once again standing in his garden in the moonlight except I was naked and alone. I searched for him between the branches of the trees; they reached out for me, trying to hold me tight as they turned into the hands and fingernails of a witch, a witch called Felicity. Her face twisted as she claimed James from my outstretched arms.
I woke in a cold sweat and realised that it was just a bad dream. I climbed out of bed and crossed the room to my drawers and looked inside to find a shirt that James had left here when he had stayed. I had forgotten to take it over the last time I had seen him but I was glad now as I shrugged it over my shoulders and once my hands slipped through the cuffs I pulled it up and breathed in. The faint scent of him clung to the collar as I headed over to my window seat and looked out into the sky. The stars still shone there, but they were so far away. How was I going to carry on? What was the point of living without James in my life?
Friday 25th November, 1988
I woke with a start to discover that I had fallen asleep on the window seat, my head resting on the cold window pane. It was still dark outside so I crossed back to my bed and pulled my pink elephant toy close, I kept his shirt on and then drifted back off until my alarm woke me. I stepped out of bed and looked in my mirror and realised that I couldn’t face college today, especially as James was going to be coming over as he had promised on the phone last night.
I wandered downstairs and discovered that Mum had already left for work so I only had to see Dad.
“College today?” he asked, as I poured a cup of coffee and sat down at the table.
“Not today” I lied “I’m going to do some work at the hospital before James arrives this evening” I finished, suddenly thinking that this would be a great way to take my mind off what was possibly going to be the second worst day of my life. I had already experienced the worst day yesterday.
On the bus I tried desperately to take my mind off James, but the words in the letter continued to float around endlessly. The white corridors of the hospital seemed to calm me a little as I wandered along towards the studio. I was so closed off in my mind that I suddenly realised that I had managed to get lost. As I felt panic rising inside me I spotted a bench and took the time to sit down and try to think calmly. It was no good, the tears started to bubble up under my eyelids and as I scoured through my bag for a tissue I didn’t notice Mark heading down the corridor towards me until he sat down.
“Here you can have my hankie” Mark said, as he handed the soft fabric to me.
“Mark” I said, looking up through the tears “Thank goodness it’s you”
“Are you ok Steph?” he asked.
“Yes, I got lost” I mumbled, as I wiped back the tears.
“Is that all?” he probed
“No, but I can’t really talk about it yet” I replied “I thought some time in the studio with Jack would help” I finished; as the tears had dried up I offered Mark his hankie back.
“No you keep it, I think you might need it more than me today” he said, as I finally looked up into his green eyes.
“Thanks Mark” I replied as I stood up and we walked along the corridor and took a left turn back into familiar territory
“I’ll be ok now” I said as we paused by the double doors.
“See you soon Steph” Mark finished, as he reached out and gave my hand a squeeze “If you get lost again, don’t worry I’ll find you”
I smiled weakly and then I pushed open the doors and headed to the studio.
Jack smiled up at me as I walked in and I suddenly seemed to lose my tears as the music bought me back to life. In the end I didn’t say anything to Jack about James and just threw myself into the work that needed to be done. It was only on the way back to Ross that I started to think about the weekend ahead and what I was going to do when I saw James again. As I opened the door Mum was the first to pop her head through the kitchen door.
“James phoned as he won’t be able to get here until tomorrow morning” she said.
“Oh” I replied, wondering if he was going to be a coward and just not turn up at all. I put on a brave face and sat through tea and some television with my parents before I turned in early.
Once again in the safety of my room I put George Michael’s Faith album on the turntable and lay in bed. Tonight there were hardly any tears that fell, well except during Father Figure when the lyrics “till the end of time” set me off as those had been the words we had used throughout our relationship. When sleep claimed me tonight there were no dreams or nightmares just emptiness.
Charlotte yawned and put the diary down and replaced it with
her mobile phone. She quickly tapped a goodnight message to Mitch and was rewarded with one back. It was emotionally hard work reading the diaries but Charlotte knew she had to finish them, no matter how difficult it was as it might lead to her Mum finally being happy again and the same for Mitchell’s Dad. Closing her eyes she dreamed of being in the same garden, apple blossom on the trees as she danced through them with Mitchell.
Chapter 40
I woke up to hear the familiar strains of ‘Take my Breath Away’ echoing from Charlotte’s room and looked over at the clock. It was only 6.30am but she was already practising again. I knew the group were determined to be their absolute best for the competition in ten days time. This reminded me that I had to book some hotel rooms so I put my dressing gown on and headed onto the landing. As the track finished I knocked Charlotte’s door and poked my head in
“Coffee?” I asked
“Yes please Mum, I’m going to do another run through of ‘Skyfall’ and ‘Umbrella’ first thought and then I’ll be down”
“Ok” I replied, as I padded downstairs and into the kitchen. As usual I turned on the radio and made coffee and toast to the breakfast show.
All of a sudden Paul announced that he had received another request from my secret admirer. I reached over and turned the volume up slightly as the song “The most beautiful girl in the world” by Prince started up. I smiled and reached for my mobile phone to give Paul a call. He answered almost immediately
