by Nikki Chase
I recognize that I shouldn’t have used the gun—Gabe’s gun. That becomes crystal clear when my family starts to blame my suicide on him. I feel no remorse, but I understand now that it wasn’t fair or necessary to drag him into this.
Hell, if anything, my family should thank Gabe. Having him in my life had probably made life bearable for a little longer.
I’d been thinking about suicide for a long time. I would’ve done it eventually. Having Gabe’s gun in my hands did make it easier, but I could’ve sliced my wrists with a kitchen knife instead. Or jumped off a bridge. Or sat in the car with carbon monoxide slowly filling the enclosed space.
But what can I say?
I killed myself, so I wasn’t exactly thinking straight at the time.
Would I have done it if I knew things were going to turn out like this?
I don’t know. It doesn’t take long for me to forget what it feels like to be alive, to have emotions.
It’s hard to even imagine closing my eyes and going to sleep now. I’m awake all the time. I see everything.
Like a detached viewer of a reality TV show, I watch as my dad goes after Dr. Kent’s money, threatening to destroy his son’s reputation (and his own by proxy) by telling the media he’d been bullying and abusing me.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Jackie knows, of course. Ever the sane one of the family, she tries to talk sense into them. But of course they don’t listen. She’s just a teenager.
Besides, my dad’s business—which used to thrive and had bought us this nice, big house—hasn’t been doing well lately.
On top of that, he’s come to hate my mom. He wants to leave her, but divorce costs money—money that Dr. Kent is able to supply.
So the divorce comes as no surprise. It’s almost as predictable as everyone in the family living off the settlement money from Dr. Kent, except for Jackie. Dad fucks off to who-knows-where, blowing his cash on booze and prostitutes.
And so, as if I’m watching one of Mom’s mind-numbing daytime reality TV shows, I observe the drama unfold.
I never would’ve expected Mom to react the way she does, though. Unlike Dad and Ray, she blames herself for being away so much, and she has mentally broken down.
She even has a fucking doll that she calls “Sam.” Maybe I wouldn’t have developed my own mental issues, had she treated me like she cares for this doll.
The other thing I never expected is Gabe and Jackie.
It makes sense, of course. She has always had a crush on him, and he has always cared for her.
I thought it wasn’t going to happen because of how much younger Jackie was compared to Gabe. But it didn’t occur to me that she’d find him again. I thought she’d grow out of her crush and find some other guy.
They’re happy together. Even I feel slight tingles when I see them laughing together. I hadn’t seen them laugh or even smile much since my suicide.
I thought the dust had finally settled. But now my action from eight years ago is hurting the people I love—again.
I’m depriving my two favorite people in the whole world of the one thing they really want. I’m tearing them apart, turning their love story into a nightmare.
Still, I’m rooting for Gabe and Jackie. When she’s safe and happy by his side, maybe I can finally say that I’ve fixed my mistake. Maybe after that, I can rest in peace.
Jacqueline
“What have you done?” I march across our spacious entryway and into the living room, where Mom and Ray are sitting in front of the TV, watching the Kardashians like it’s just another day.
“Oh, honey, you’re home,” Mom says cheerfully, completely oblivious to my distress. She pats on the empty space on the couch next to her. “Come here. Sit down. Too bad Sam doesn’t like this show, otherwise I’d have all my children in the same room together.” She pauses and lights up. “Oh, I know. I’ll ask him what he wants to watch.”
“Sam can’t watch TV anymore where he is, Mom.” Normally, I’d let Mom stay in her delusion, but I’m exhausted. I’m so tired of pretending, so tired of being the only one who’s even trying to make things better.
“Well, of course he can’t, silly.” Mom gets up to leave the room. “Sam’s in his bedroom and there’s no TV there. That’s why I should drag him out here.”
I stand there behind the long couch Ray’s lying on, waiting for the acknowledgement I deserve.
I’ve literally lost both my dream job and the love of my life because of what he’s done. He owes me my old life, but the least he can give me now is an apology and an explanation.
“Ray.”
“You know,” he says, finally acknowledging my presence, “Mom doesn’t usually make sense. But technically, if she has a shovel and some form of transportation to the cemetery, she could dig Sam up and drag him out here.” He chuckles at his own tasteless joke.
“Ray,” I repeat in a serious tone. Anger boils hot inside me, threatening to erupt at any time.
“What is it?” He pulls his gaze away from the screen and stares at me. There’s no remorse in his eyes. It doesn’t look like I’m going to get that apology.
“What did you think you were doing?” I ask.
“I was just solving all of our problems.” Ray sounds annoyed. Obviously, he’s not happy about me I’m interrupting his enjoyment of the full, curvy asses of reality TV stars being paraded on the screen.
“By sending me away to the other side of the country?” I ask incredulously.
“You’re focusing on the wrong thing, little sister,” he says mockingly. “We need money, and I got us some money.”
“You have no shame.” I shake my head.
“What’s there to be ashamed about?” Ray asks. “I got what I wanted, and that’s all that matters.”
“How could you blackmail Dr. Kent again? Didn’t you get enough the first time?” I grab the foam in the back of the sofa, clutching at it until my knuckles turn white.
“Correction: that was all Dad, the first time. Not me. I was just driving him around and following his lead.” Ray’s answer is nonchalant. It’s like he doesn’t have even an ounce of empathy. He adds, “So you see, this is my first time, although I did benefit from the training Dad gave me.”
I glower at him, my whole body shaking with anger. I want to punch, kick, or hurt something. But that’ll only make Ray feel like he’s won.
“Come on, little sister, don’t look so outraged,” Ray says condescendingly. “You’re being selfish.”
“I’m being selfish? Are you kidding me right now?” I’m screaming, I realize. My self-control is slipping away.
“You know this money will go a long way toward covering Mom’s expenses—and some of mine. You said you couldn’t afford to get fired because you had to pay our bills, right?” he asks. “This way we don’t have to worry about that anymore, and you can still keep your job—well, maybe not that same job, but one that’s just as good. This is the perfect solution.”
“The perfect solution?” I ask. “You selfish prick. What about Dr. Kent? What about Gabe? What about me? You don’t care, because nobody else matters but you.”
“I told you I got that money for both Mom and me. You’re the selfish one here. You were just about to move out and leave us. Who do you think was going to take care of Mom when you moved out?” Ray pauses. A sneer creeps across his face. “Oh wait, you’re not moving in with him anymore, are you? That’s too bad, little sister. But I bet you can easily find a new boyfriend in Chicago.”
I can’t stand this anymore.
I grab my shoulder bag, yank if off my shoulder, and throw it down on Ray’s stomach. I don’t usually say the f-word, but I can only think of one appropriate thing to say right now. “Fuck you!”
“Whoa, hey.” Ray flinches and looks shocked for a second, but then he easily puts my bag aside on the rug on the floor.
He looks threatening when he gets up. For a few tense moments, we stand facing each other wi
th only the couch between us.
In a calm, mocking voice, he says, “Looks like someone’s upset. What kind of language is that for a young doctor, huh? I think someone’s upset because nobody has to depend on her anymore.”
“What’s going on?” Mom asks when she runs into the living room with her doll in her arms, looking panicked. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine, Mom,” Ray says, faking a smile as he keeps his mean stare on me.
“You both look a little tense.” Mom carefully puts the Sam doll down on the couch like it’s a real live baby, then she takes my bag from the floor and puts it on the same couch. “Come on. Sit down, kids.” Mom pats both Ray and me on the shoulder. “Come on. No fighting now.”
Ray and I haven’t stopped glaring at each other. It feels like a dumb staring contest, but I need a way to channel all this anger coursing through my veins.
“Here, Jackie.” Mom suddenly appears beside me. I didn’t even realize she’d left. Something hard, cold, and wet touches my hand. She says, “Have a drink. You’ll feel better.”
It’s a glass with wet condensation on the surface. A cool, clear liquid swishes around inside as I take it from Mom’s hand. Before I think about what I’m doing, I throw the drink in Ray’s face.
“You’re dead now,” Ray says menacingly. Water glides down his face, collects on his chin, and drips down onto the couch.
Shit.
I stay in place, frozen in fear.
What was I thinking? There’s no way for me to win a physical fight with my brother.
Ray grabs my arm, climbs up over the back of the couch, then jumps down beside me. For all his laziness, he doesn’t skip his workouts, and he’s a strong man.
“You’re hurting me,” I protest.
“Well, you hurt me first,” he says as he drags me up the stairs. “Maybe next time you’ll think twice about doing something like that to me. When you come home for a visit from Chicago, you’d better show me some respect.”
Ray throws me in to my room and takes the key out of the keyhole on the inside of the door before he slams the door shut. I can hear the click of the lock as Ray turns the key from outside.
Faintly, I can also hear Mom screaming in panic from downstairs.
“See what you made me do? See what you’re doing to Mom now?” Ray taunts from outside the door.
I stay quiet, my body shivering in fear. I can’t believe he just manhandled me like that! Now that he doesn’t need my money, he thinks he can treat me any way he likes.
“Someone’s going to pick you up tomorrow morning for the airport,” he says. “You should thank me for arranging transportation so you don’t have to take the bus, but I won’t hold my breath. You’re nothing but an ungrateful brat.”
Jacqueline
Is… Is there an earthquake?
The ground is shaking.
My eyes snap open, only to stare straight at the stair steps below me.
I’m falling.
I flinch, waiting for impact that never comes.
I’m not falling.
I try to process my surroundings.
I’m at home, going down the stairs—no, being carried down the stairs.
“Hey!” I say as loud as I can, with a voice still hoarse with sleep.
“Hey, little sister,” Ray says, “it’s time for your trip.”
“Ray! Let me down!” I scream. My ass is up in the air, and my body is bent into two at the waist, where Ray carries my weight on his shoulder.
Where is he taking me?
“No way. I’m not taking any chances today. I’m getting you into Dr. Kent’s car, and then my job is done.” He holds my legs a little tighter as I start to struggle.
I flail my arms and kick my legs, but Ray doesn’t even stop to take a breath. For once in his life, he’s actually showing some determination—something I’ve always wished he’d have more of.
“I’ll miss you, honey,” Mom says, taking my hand in hers as we move awkwardly across the yard as a cluster.
“Mom, I don’t want to go. Tell Ray to stop this, Mom, please,” I beg, already at my last resort although it’s still dark outside—not a good sign for the rest of the day.
“Ray…” Mom lets her sentence hang in the air, unsure of what to do.
“Mom, I told you it’s for Jackie’s own good, okay?” Ray speaks like he’s addressing a toddler. “Remember summer camp? She didn’t want to go either, and at the end of it she didn’t want to leave. This is just like that.”
“It’s not, you psycho!” I yell at Ray. “I’m an adult now. You can’t force me to do something I don’t want to do.”
“You should leave now. You’re going to wake the neighbors,” Ray says as he deposits me into the back seat of a black sedan.
“We’ll send your things in the mail when you get settled in your new place, honey.” Mom throws my shoulder bag into the car, and it lands next to me on the leather car seat.
It’s the bag I left in the living room last night. It would’ve come in handy last night, when I was locked up in my bedroom with no means to contact the outside world or even to entertain myself.
Ray slams the car door shut with a smug sneer. Mom waves at me with tears streaming down her cheeks as the car starts to drive away.
“Hey!” I call out to the driver. “Stop the car.”
He says nothing, but his flat cap bobs up and down, then all the doors lock simultaneously. He’s taking me, whether I let him or not.
“This is kidnapping!” I scream. “You’re taking me against my will! I can report you to the cops!” I take out my phone from the bag and hold it up. “I have a phone. I can call 911.”
“You don’t want to do that,” the driver says in a deep, muffled voice.
“Yeah?” I ask. “Well, maybe I’m sick of people telling me what to do.”
To be honest, I have no idea what I’d do even if he lets me go.
Dr. Kent has probably sent out a memo to other hospitals in the city and asked them to blacklist me. If I care about my career at all, my only choice is to go where he wants me to go.
I’ve lost the love of my life and everything seems grey. But I know I can crawl out of this hole and function eventually. I just need to fill my life with something else that matters to me… like my work.
Given these considerations, it’s probably not a good idea to reject the deal. I’d be losing both Gabe and my career.
It’s also not a good idea to pull on the door handle and fiddle with the lock, like I’m doing now.
“Careful now,” the driver says. “I don’t want you to fall out of the car and get a scar on your pretty face.”
“What the fuck makes you think you can talk to me like that?” I ask with the force of all the fury and outrage I’ve collected since yesterday.
“You don’t curse,” he says.
“Fuck. You.”
I cross my arms over my chest and lean back in my seat. I may not get anything out of this small act of rebellion, but I can’t just let them get away with this, even if the smartest thing to do would be to let go and move on.
The driver lets out a soft snort, which turns into a chuckle, which turns into a laugh. A familiar laugh.
My heart stops.
I lean forward over the center console between the two front seats, and take a good look at the driver.
My breath catches in my throat, and I raise my hands up to cover my mouth. “Gabe?”
“You don’t curse,” he repeats as his laughter dies down. “That was as unnatural as the time you pretended to be a smoker.”
“Why are you here?”
I can’t take my eyes off him. That shock of dark chestnut hair. Those eyes the color of deep forests, sharp and confident.
I didn’t think I’d see him again.
“To take you to the airport,” he says calmly.
His words punch me in the gut, forcing the breath out of me.
When I saw him, to be hon
est, a part of me was hoping he had regrets about what had happened yesterday and he wanted to fix things.
But of course that’s not what’s happening.
He’s angry at me for my deception, and I don’t blame him. I toyed with his heart, pretending to be a stranger, then my family blackmailed his dad again.
He probably thinks that I was in cahoots with my brother, that I was luring him into a trap the whole time.
He must hate me. And he probably doesn’t trust me anymore.
He doesn’t have to personally take me to the airport. But apparently he really wants to make sure I’m leaving and he can’t pass up the opportunity to mock me.
Even though I was the one who started this whole thing with Gabe, I can’t help but feel bitter about everyone else who’s benefiting from this arrangement.
I’m the only loser here.
Dr. Kent gets to keep his son in his hospital, which is what he’s always wanted—I’m pretty sure he would’ve been happy to shell out $100,000 to make that happen anyway.
Ray and Mom obviously get the money.
And Gabe gets to dump the lying girlfriend and send her all the way to the other side of the country.
Me? I get uprooted from my home and sent off to a city I’ve never even been to.
“You’re quiet today, angel,” he says. He doesn’t have to mock me by calling me that.
He said he’d stay by my side no matter what, and it was a lie.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
I just want this torture to be over. Maybe if I apologize, he’ll at least treat me nicely. Maybe we can still part as friends.
“For being quiet?” he asks.
Does he really need to make me spell it out?
I regret not apologizing right away at Dr. Kent’s office and running away just like that.
Yeah, I know this is a little late. But he knows damn well what I’m talking about.
I figure this is not the time to start a fight. Maybe I deserve this hell.
“For lying to you,” I say. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve told you from the start.”
