by Maisey Yates
Mac looked from Carly to Lucas, and for some reason, he decided to comply. Then Lucas looked back at Carly and understood why. Carly’s face was red, her hands shaking, her eyes glistening.
“You’re not off the hook, Miller,” Mac said. “And neither are you.” He directed the last line at Carly, before walking out of the house and slamming the front door behind him.
A tear slid down Carly’s cheek and she wiped it away. “That was awful,” she said. “Awful. All that was missing was a bar of crowded people looking on and taking bets on whether or not there would be bloodshed.”
He shook his head. “You’re not your mom, Carly. That wasn’t what this was. I lied to Mac, which is half of why he’s pissed.”
“But look what happens! Look what happens when there’s all this . . . passion. It makes everything so uncontrolled. So crazy. And I just . . . I don’t want this.” She sounded frantic, panicked almost. Being with him, the thought of it, made her panicked. Well, hell.
“You don’t want this?” he echoed. And just like that, the visions of forever dissolved around him.
“No.”
“How can you say you don’t want this, Carly? We had sex all night. I had you begging for me to take you. Over and over again. How the hell can you stand there and tell me you don’t want this?”
“I don’t.”
“You’re a liar.”
“Wanting sex and wanting this,” she said, waving her hand around, “are two very different things. And I don’t want this kind of drama, which means I can learn to live without the sex.”
“Because that’s all it was to you?”
“It’s all it was to you.”
“And you know that because you know I had some casual sex more than half a decade ago. You honestly think I would sleep with you just for kicks, use you, like Mac said, is that it?”
“What else could it be, Lucas?”
“Did it ever occur to you that I might care for you?”
She shook her head. “No. When was I supposed to pick up on that? In between our constant bickering?”
“That was you, sugar, that wasn’t me.”
“You were always putting the bait out.”
“To see you get riled up. Because I love the way your cheeks flush when you’re angry. Because I love to spar with you. Because I live for that next witty one-liner I know will come out of your mouth. And because I love the moment when I’ve gotten you so good you don’t have one, and you’re just speechless. That’s only happened once or twice. And now that things have changed between us, I love the way you look when you’re just about to come, I love the sound of my name on your lips. Most of all, I discovered that I love you.”
She took a step back, like he’d landed a physical blow. She shook her head, her mouth hanging open. “No.”
The look on her face, the horror, should have been enough to get him to stop talking. But it wasn’t. Now that he knew it, he had to say it, no matter the cost. “I love you, Carly.”
“You don’t. You’re just saying that.”
“I’m not. Why in the world would I just say that? Why the hell would I tear myself open for you if I didn’t mean it? I’ve never said that to anyone in my life, and that includes family. I’ve never felt it before.”
Tears pooled in Carly’s blue eyes and she blinked hard, looking away from him. “So then . . . how do you know what it is?”
“I knew what it wasn’t. It wasn’t my mom walking out on me, or my dad drowning his own sorrows, too wrapped up in his own crap to care about me. It wasn’t that woman you saw me with six years ago. And this . . . this is different from any of that. I feel it. I feel it here,” he said, pressing his hand to his chest. “It hurts like hell but I like it.”
She shook her head slowly, backing away from him. Withdrawing. And he felt her withdraw emotionally too. Felt her cutting the connection between them. “I can’t do this.”
“You can’t do what?” he asked, his voice hoarse.
“I don’t want this,” she said. “I don’t want to spend my life wondering when the other shoe is going to drop, Lucas. I can’t do it. I can’t wonder when you’re going to start looking at other women. When you’re going to start sleeping with other women.”
“There’s this thing called marriage vows, Carly, and there’s a line in there about that kind of thing. If I made vows I would damn well keep them.”
“But people don’t. You and I both know that, they just don’t keep them. And I’m sure that both of our parents made vows imagining they would keep them, that love or whatever they thought they had would be enough. But I’ve never seen it be enough.”
“You really think that of me? That I would do that to you? To anyone?” He made a move toward her, and she took another step away. Expanding the distance in every way.
She wiped a tear away from her cheek, and all he could think of was that he should be the one to erase her tears. But she wouldn’t let him.
“I would make an idiot out of myself over you,” she whispered. “I can’t let myself do that.” She turned and started walking up the stairs, and his heart cracked in two.
“That’s fine, Carly. Because I can’t live my whole life with a woman who doesn’t trust me.”
“That’s not it. That’s not fair.”
“It’s exactly it.” He let anger fuel him now. At her, at himself. At the screwed-up lives they’d both led that had brought them to this point, too broken to make things work together. “You’re so bound up in your own hurt that you don’t see it. You wanted to sleep with me, and get what you wanted, and not have to give anything back. You don’t really want freedom. You want to hang on to the past and hold it up in front of you like a shield. That’s what you want. To spend your life hiding behind your tailored suits and perfect hair, so that no one will see what a disaster you are inside.”
“Stop it, Lucas.”
“Why? It’s true. You want to pretend that because I had some girlfriends a few years ago, I’m somehow never going to settle down, because that suits you. Because then, it makes me off-limits to you. You wanted to take from me and not give anything back. Not emotion or trust. You’re so afraid that someone might get close to you that you have to push me away now. Because I’ve seen it. I’ve seen that under that composure of yours, under your makeup mask, you’re still just a scared little girl.”
“I didn’t ask you to psychoanalyze me!” she spat. “You think you get relationships? What the hell would you know about a healthy relationship? How did you think the two of us would go about having one?”
“I thought it would involve letting go of the past and embracing the future. But it’s clear to me that you can’t do that.”
“Because this isn’t what I wanted. It’s . . .”
“Scary,” he said, his voice thin, tight. “And you want to be safe. You want everyone to look at you and see your control, and your poise, and pat you on the back for what? For feeling nothing?”
Carly balled her hands into fists at her sides. “I’m not going to be like my mother. I’m not doing that. I’m not making a public spectacle of myself. And this morning came way too close to that.”
“So what other people feel matters more than what you feel?”
“Yes,” she said, exploding. “Yes. Because how else will I know if I’m doing it right? You can’t trust your own heart, Lucas, it makes you do stupid things.”
“Your fear is making you act a hell of a lot stupider than your heart would. Maybe the problem isn’t that you don’t trust me. It’s that you don’t trust yourself.”
Or that he just wasn’t worth the risk. The thought sent an arrow of pure agony straight to his heart. He’d been stupid to think this could end any other way. Stupid to imagine that he was the one that would make Carly Denton want to take a chance.
“I’m going to get dressed
now,” she said. “And then I’m going to go.”
“Great.”
He watched her walk up the stairs and tried to ignore the stabbing pain in his chest. He wanted to beg, but he wasn’t going to do that. He’d lost enough of his pride already.
In the end, it shouldn’t surprise him. His own mother hadn’t stayed with him. Why the hell should Carly stay?
He gritted his teeth, tried to take a breath. Tried to keep the hot, burning emotion that was searing his heart from bringing him to his knees. This was a good thing. Good it had happened like this. Good it had happened now. It was the reminder he needed. Why he didn’t do love. Why he never had.
It was too much work to love people who would simply never love you back.
Chapter Nine
Life was annoying. It kept just . . . going on while Carly was trying to wallow in misery. She wanted to curl up into a little ball and wail for a week straight, but she couldn’t. She had to finalize all the details for Ride for Hope and see to a million other civic duties.
She had to be on show, which she’d never minded before, because she’d never fully grasped just how “on show” she was. Had never truly understood everything she was hiding so she could put on a public face that would seem acceptable, and wouldn’t make waves or any controversy.
Now she saw it. Now she felt the chains tightening around her wrists.
Lucas had made her feel free. Had helped her find bits of herself she’d never known had existed.
And the first moment those parts of herself had been exposed to someone else, she’d curled back in on herself. Buttoned back up. Stepped into her cell.
She’d been back in it for over a week now. And she felt it.
She rested her elbows on her desk and put her face in her hands. She missed Lucas so much it was an ache that went through her entire body. A physical pain. She’d known that passion could make you crazy, but she hadn’t known it would hurt like this.
It wasn’t just passion. She knew that.
I love you.
He’d said that he loved her and she’d thrown it back at him. Because it had terrified her how much she’d wanted to believe it. How badly she’d wanted to latch on to the words and hold them close forever. To keep Lucas forever.
But she couldn’t. And she knew, absolutely and beyond a shadow of a doubt now, the real reason she’d been so angry at him for the event six years ago. Why she’d let that sight of him with another woman turn him from childhood crush to mustache-twirling sex villain.
She’d needed him to be the villain so that she could protect herself. So that she wouldn’t fall for him. Because even then, she’d known that she could. Some part of her had recognized that if she didn’t do something about her feelings for Lucas, they were going to grow.
So she’d taken the coward’s way out. And she’d done it again last week.
Trust. He was asking for trust. And that was the one thing she wasn’t sure she could give. And he was right. He deserved a woman who trusted him. A woman who wasn’t so afraid.
She closed her eyes and thought of Lucas, of his smile, of the way he touched her, the way he looked at her like she was the only thing he could see.
She thought of how he’d treated her. The care he’d taken. Pushing when she needed to be pushed. Holding back when she needed time.
How could she have ever said those things to him? How could she have stood there, after he’d confessed his love, and told him he was going to cheat on her someday.
“You’re such a bitch, Carly,” she said out loud to her empty office.
And she was. There was no denying it. A scared one. One who had pushed hard at Lucas because he had reached her heart. Because he had challenged her when she wasn’t ready to be challenged.
She’d acted like it was Lucas who was wrong, but the truth was, it was her.
She was pretty sure she didn’t deserve Lucas, not after that. Not now.
Carly slapped her palms on the desk and stood up. Maybe she didn’t deserve Lucas. But she was going to try to get him back, anyway.
***
“What the hell are you doing here, Mac?” Lucas asked, growling at his friend, the friend he hadn’t spoken to in over a week.
Mac walked the rest of the way into the barn, like he had every right to be there. Which usually he did, but not now, because Lucas was still pissed at him.
“I don’t know,” Mac said.
“Maybe you should have thought of a good reason before you drove over here.” Lucas bent down and picked a shovel up from the barn floor, standing it up.
“All right, I do know why I’m here.”
“Enlighten me then.”
“I’m here to apologize.”
Lucas froze. “Why exactly?”
“For cheating off of your math test when we were twelve. Why the hell do you think?”
“I should apologize to you.”
“Well, you should, but you can do it after I’m done. I’m being the bigger man here.”
Lucas leaned back against the barn wall and crossed his arms over his chest. “Go ahead then.”
“I think it’s pretty obvious I caused some problems between you and Carly. I also embarrassed Carly, which wasn’t my intent.”
“And you called my character into question, accused me of using your sister for sex.”
“Yes,” Mac said, teeth gritted. “I did that too.”
“And?”
“And I’m sorry.”
“Great. I’m sorry I lied to you.”
Mac stood there, his expression expectant. “Is that all?”
“Yes. That’s all. I’m not sorry about my relationship with Carly, even though, yes, you did screw things up and now she’s not speaking to me.”
Mac cursed and tugged his hat off, rubbing his hand over his hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think you were serious about her.”
“Honestly? I didn’t either. Not at first.”
“But you are?”
“I love her.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“She doesn’t love me back. Or maybe she does, but not enough to stay. To try and learn to trust me.”
“The thing with our parents . . . it’s been really hard on her. Embarrassing, because she cares what other people think. More than that though, even if she doesn’t know it. She’s always acted like she was afraid of dating.”
“I don’t blame her.”
“But you want her to change.”
“Yeah, I do. But I don’t think she will. Not for me. Not right now. Someday, but it’s . . . it’s not me. I wish it was. But I’m not going to force myself on her.”
“If you did that I would have to kill you.”
“I know it.” Lucas let out a long breath. “She deserves to be happy. And this relationship scares her.”
“So you’re just going to let her walk away?”
“That’s the thing, Mac. I respect her enough to let her. Not because I want her to, but because I won’t hold her to me. Losing my mother destroyed my dad, but he let her go.”
“And our dad won’t let our mom go,” Mac said.
Lucas shook his head. “I wouldn’t cheat on her, ever. But I won’t hold her to me when she’d be better off free.”
“And that right there makes me think you’re the right man for her,” Mac said, putting his hat back on and turning away, walking out of the barn.
Lucas pushed the shovel back onto the ground. If only that were true. But she would have to love him to stay, to work at getting over the kind of pain and distrust that had been burned into her over a lifetime.
And he wasn’t sure he was the kind of man who inspired that in people.
One thing was sure—people felt empowered to leave him.
But he would give anything for Car
ly to stay. Anything except her happiness. It was the one cost that was too high, even if it meant he spent the rest of his life being completely miserable.
That, apparently, was love.
Love sucked.
Chapter Ten
Lucas surveyed the set up of Ride for Hope. Everything was going off perfectly so far. The entire town seemed to be in attendance, and a good percentage of the population from the neighboring towns was there too.
It should have felt good to see so many people turn out for such a good cause. It should have felt good to be a part of it. To have gotten his old rodeo buddies involved.
But nothing felt good at the moment.
Nothing had since his final argument with Carly. Not even making up with Mac, which should have helped a little bit.
The rodeo events hadn’t started yet, but people were milling around, eating and playing the different games that had been set up.
A band was playing on the stage, lively country music that made Lucas want to drill a hole in his skull so it could pass through. He didn’t want anything lively. He wanted to get drunk and wallow in his problems.
But he wasn’t going to. He’d seen what happened when a man did that. Which meant the only option left was the bear the full brunt of the pain.
The band stopped playing, a mercy to his ears, and the lead singer started talking. Thanking everyone for coming, blah blah blah.
Then he said something that made Lucas’s ears perk up.
“Councilwoman Carly Denton is in the dunk tank, and the price on her head is high. If you want the chance to dunk Silver Creek’s finest lady, you can purchase tickets over at the concession booth.”
Lucas looked over and saw Carly perched on the dunk tank bench in shorts and a t-shirt, her hair loose around her shoulders. And if he wasn’t mistaken, he could see some freckles.
His heart stopped for a second, and all he could do was stare. Then he started walking toward her.
He opened his wallet and pulled out a hundred dollar bill, pausing at the concession stand to pick up a ticket and giving the very shocked woman behind the counter the bill. “Keep the change,” he said.
