by Debra Doxer
“Pancake mix.”
“I’d rather have Fruit Loops.”
Langley pulls a cereal box out of the cabinet and takes it with her into the other room. With a sigh, put everything away. Not a minute later, Langley runs back into the kitchen.
“He’s out there again. I just saw him.”
I don’t have to ask who she means. I follow her back into the living room as she darts over to the window and points.
“See? Right there.”
I squint in the direction of the woods and see a tall figure dressed in an army jacket and dark jeans standing in the small clearing. He’s looking toward the house and my stomach lurches. From this distances, he looks exactly like my father.
“Stay here.” I run for the front door. I’m in jeans and a T-shirt, but I only have socks on my feet and no time to put on shoes. If he walks back into the woods, I’ll lose him.
I yank open the door and dash outside. At first, he doesn’t move as I sprint in his direction. It takes him a moment to realize I’m heading straight for him. Once he does, he spins around and runs back through the trees.
Behind me, I hear Siegfried barking, followed by Cole’s voice calling my name.
Siegfried passes me first, sprinting into the trees. I’ve never seen him move so fast. Then Cole comes up beside me.
“It’s him. He just ran in there,” I say breathlessly, pointing.
“Go back to the house,” Cole orders as he easily gains on me.
I don’t even consider going back. My knee aches but I don’t stop pumping my legs.
Cole breaks through the trees, parting the brush, and I follow his path. A thick layer of leaves crunches beneath my feet, and when I lose sight of Cole, I let Siegfried’s barks lead me to them.
My breathing is harsh in my ears, and I slow down once I hear a grunt come from somewhere ahead. When I finally reach them, the man is on the ground, kicking out at Siegfried, who is poised in front of him, growling.
“Call him off!” the man yells.
I’m stunned by Siegfried’s aggressive stance and the vicious sounds coming from him.
“Call off your fucking dog.” He inches backward, away from Siegfried, until a tree trunk stops him.
Cole looks to me, but I’m not sure how to call the dog off.
“Siegfried!”
I stand behind him, not knowing if I should touch him or not, but he doesn’t back down. I move closer and call his name again. This time I clap loudly at the same time, and Siegfried turns to face me.
“It’s okay,” I coo in what I hope is a soothing tone. “It’s okay, boy.”
He barks once at me and turns to look at the man again. Then he lets out a high-pitched whine and comes to stand by my side.
“Good boy.” I smooth a hand over his head and he pushes his body into my leg, securing himself by my side.
I turn my attention back to the man as he stands and brushes himself off. Up close, I realize he doesn’t resemble my father all that much. There’s a gray wig lying in the dirt by his feet and he has a similar build to my father’s, tall and lanky, but that’s all. From a distance, the wig and jacket were enough to create the illusion he obviously wanted.
“Would you like to tell us who the hell you are?” Cole asks.
The man fixes his gaze on me. “You must be Nikki. You look just like your sister.”
Cole takes a step forward. “Never mind her. Who the fuck are you?”
He frowns at Cole. “Ben.”
“Ben what?”
His eyes shift back to me. “Ben Crowe.”
Cole and I exchange a look. The woman my father lived with was named Jessie Crowe. Looks like Cole’s suspicion was right.
“You know who I am?” Ben asks, noticing our silent exchange.
I nod. “My father had a relationship with your mother. What I don’t know is what you’re doing here.”
Ben’s mouth forms a tight line. “Then you don’t know the whole story. I’m here because I want to see my daughter.”
What? I squint at him.
“Who also happens to be your niece.”
I make a noise of disbelief, wondering if he’s crazy or just delusional. “This is your explanation for why you’re dressing up like my father and leaving his picture on Renee’s doorstep?”
“I asked Renee nicely if I could see her, but she flat-out refused.” Ben looks at Cole. “How would you feel if someone kept you from seeing your kid?”
Cole doesn’t bother answering. He turns to me instead. “Let’s go back to the house and call the police.”
Ben’s eyes harden and he moves toward me. I suck in a breath as Cole intercepts him, pushing him back against the tree trunk.
“Go ahead and call them. I didn’t do anything illegal,” Ben says angrily, uselessly pushing at Cole, who doesn’t budge an inch.
I move closer to get a better look at Ben, and that’s when I notice his eye color for the first time. Dark green, the same shade as Langley’s.
Cole releases him and looks over his shoulder at me. “Come on. He’s wasting our time.”
“Wait a minute.” I put a hand on Cole’s arm and look at Ben again. “If you’re telling the truth, how did you meet my sister? I don’t understand how you could even know her.”
Cole gives me an incredulous look because I’m not dismissing Ben’s explanation. I can’t, not when I’m noticing more traits about him that remind me of Langley, like the way his hairline starts low on his forehead and the shape of his lips.
“We met when she came looking for Ron,” he says.
“My father? She never went looking for him. She wouldn’t.” I shake my head and realize Cole’s right. He’s wasting our time.
Ben raises his hand and points at me. “You never came but she did. She was by a few times that summer, but Ron didn’t want to see her. He made my mother send her away. But she kept coming back.”
I don’t want to believe him, but I can’t be certain he’s lying. There’s a part of Renee I knew and another part I never could. It’s that part I doubt. That part could have stolen Alan Lamont’s money or went looking for our father after he left.
Ben must see how conflicted I am because he continues explaining. “One night, Renee came by and I was the only one there. We started talking and I let her come inside. One thing led to another . . .”
He trails off and lets a smug smile imply the rest. A queasy lump forms in my stomach.
“We saw each other a few times after that, but then things just petered out. Until she showed up one day and told me she was pregnant. I thought she was kidding. I couldn’t be a father. Especially not to her kid. If Ron ever found out . . .” He pauses and rubs the back of his neck. “Ron was the father I never had. He was going to pay for me to go to college. I couldn’t disappoint him like that. But things are different now. Ron is gone, and my mother passed away recently. My daughter is the only family I have left. Can you tell me her name?”
I don’t respond. I know nothing about him or if he’s dangerous or not, and I have no sympathy for him or his story. All I know is he abandoned Renee and now he’s trying to terrify her. Why? As punishment for not letting him see Langley?
“We’re not doing this,” Cole says. “You played a horrible trick on a vulnerable woman. The reason doesn’t matter.”
“He’s right,” I say to Ben. “You have to stop. You can’t stand out here in the woods anymore and you can’t leave pictures on the doorstep.”
“Now that we know who you are,” Cole says, “if you don’t stop this bullshit, I promise you won’t like the consequences.”
Ben glares at Cole and me. “I can go to court and demand a paternity test.”
“Then do it,” I say. “That would certainly be more reasonable than what you’ve been doing.”
A deep scowl etches into his face. “I just want to see my daughter.”
“Then get a lawyer, because you’re not getting within ten feet of her without a court order.
”
Ben’s hands go to his hips. He squints at Cole before looking back at me, and as his jaw works, I can see the anger brewing behind his eyes. At my side, Siegfried senses it too and issues a low, menacing growl.
Ben’s eyes narrow on Siegfried before he shakes his head and throws his hands down in surrender. “Your father was right about you and your sister. You’re a couple of selfish bitches who don’t care about anyone but yourself.”
Beside me, Cole tenses, and I grab his arm to hold him back as Ben turns away from us and walks into the woods in the other direction, away from Renee’s house. When Siegfried moves to follow, I grab his collar. A few moments later, the sound of Ben’s feet crunching through leaves fades.
Cole looks down at Siegfried. “I know how you feel, buddy. I’d like another shot at him too.”
“Langley looks so much like him. He could be telling the truth.” I release a shaky breath and feel the way my body trembles from leftover adrenaline.
“Christ, Nikki. You’re not wearing any shoes.”
We both look down at my white socks and I wiggle my toes. The underbrush is a soft bed of leaves. My feet are fine, but Cole doesn’t agree. He mutters something before he lifts me in his arms, and I squeak in surprise.
“I can walk,” I say in protest.
He doesn’t bother responding as he carries me back the way we came. Siegfried trots beside us.
“I can’t believe you went after him alone with no shoes on your feet. What the hell were you thinking?”
I frown at his tone. “That I had to get to him before he disappeared.”
“What if he was dangerous?”
“He wasn’t.”
“You didn’t fucking know that. We still don’t know that.”
He’s angry because he was worried about me. It’s sweet. “How’s your headache?”
“It’s gone,” he grumbles.
“Cole?” I press my hand to his cheek to make him look at me. “Tell me the truth.”
His expression softens. “The pain is gone. Thank you for letting me stay with you last night.”
I smile at him, but it fades quickly. “That’s why Renee kept the identity of Renee’s father a secret. She was probably ashamed and embarrassed. I have to tell her it was Ben in the woods and that he left the photograph. If she knows the truth, maybe she’ll come home.”
“If he’s the reason she left.”
“It has to be him. Either he scared her away by pretending to be my father, or the fact that he wanted to see Langley made her feel like she had to leave.”
“Nikki, neither of those reasons say anything good about her state of mind.”
“I know.” I grip his shirt and rest my head on his shoulder as Cole navigates through the brush. Once he reaches the road, Siegfried runs ahead of us toward the house.
“Could you believe Siegfried?” I ask. “I didn’t think he had it in him. You weren’t so bad yourself. I’m glad you were here, Cole.”
He looks at me and the storm clouds that were brewing in his eyes for Ben are nowhere to be found now. “We make a good team.”
I smile. “We slay dragons.”
Cole presses a kiss to my forehead. “Yes, we do, sweetheart.”
I leave a message on Renee’s voice mail later that day to tell her about Ben. I explain everything I know about him, and then I make sure she understands that I’m not judging her. I love her and only want to help her. It’s the truth, but I’m also confused and afraid for her, and disheartened by all the secrets between us. When I hang up, I have real hope that Renee will call back this time. If she’s listening to her messages, maybe this one will make the difference.
Before he leaves, Cole reminds me to call Nadia. He put a reminder in his phone, along with all his other reminders and appointments for the day, so he’d remember to tell me. Something about that gesture tugs at my heart, the fact that he cared enough to do that. With all the sweet things he says to me and the affection he shows, for some reason this chokes me up.
I want to make some calls, but since this is Sunday, I have to wait. But the first thing I do the next morning is call Nadia. As I give her the news about my knee, she’s eerily quiet. But once I finish, she’s all business as she rattles off the name of a doctor she thinks I should see and tells me exactly where in the city I should do my rehab. She says that when I’m ready, I can dance for her, and we’ll see where we are.
It wasn’t exactly a warm and fuzzy conversation because Nadia isn’t that type of person. But it was an encouraging phone call. She invited me to dance for her once I recover. She’s giving me a chance. I can’t ask for more than that.
If I get the surgery in the next few weeks, I should complete my rehab just before my contract expires. I waste no time taking the first appointment I can get with Nadia’s doctor in San Francisco for three weeks from now. Whether Renee is home or not, I’ll go ahead with the surgery.
Once that’s done, I feel a sense of relief. I text Cole to fill him in, and he offers to drive me back and forth and take care of me those first few days after the surgery. He also says he’ll drive Langley wherever she needs to go and handle everything that needs handling. Rather than argue, I say thank you and wonder if he knows how deeply I’ve come to care about him.
Over the next two weeks, I continually check my phone, but Renee doesn’t call. There’s no word from her, and I realize there’s nothing I can do or say that is going to change that. I feel helpless, completely ineffectual, lost in a way but also found because every chance we get, Cole and I are together. I’m in his bed every afternoon while Langley’s at school. When we leave the bedroom, we go for walks, have long conversations sitting outside on his deck, and do ordinary things that feel extraordinary because we’re doing them together.
One thing we don’t do is show our affection in front of Langley. Cole hasn’t stayed overnight again at the house, and I haven’t told Langley anything about our developing relationship. It’s not about keeping secrets. It’s about shielding her from something that may upset or confuse her. Especially since she misses her mother more every day, and her mood sinks a little lower.
My own mood ping-pongs between guilty highs and disquieting lows. I watch for Ben, staring at those woods and thankfully seeing no sign of him. I worry about Renee and my imagination runs wild with terrible possibilities, but still I get up and move through the day.
We’re all living in an uneasy state of limbo, trying to stay dry while we stand in a rainstorm, and it’s fraying our nerves.
It’s the start of my sixth week here when Cole knocks on the back door with his phone in his hand.
Smiling, I pull the door open.
“I’ve got news,” he announces as he steps inside and looks around. “Is Langley at school?”
I nod, holding my breath.
He puts his phone away as his gaze locks on mine. “The detective found Renee.”
My pulse rate skyrockets. “Where?”
“In a rehab facility.”
“Rehab?” I push the word out on a strangled breath. “How did she end up in rehab?”
He presses his lips together as worry furrows his brow. “She was found passed out in a park. She had no ID and someone, they think it was a volunteer from a nearby church, brought her in.”
“Passed out in a park?” I shiver as I think about all the things that could have happened to her.
“When she woke up, she told them her name was Margot Fonteyn. So that’s what she was listed under, but she put her real Social Security number on one of the intake forms, which is how the detective finally tracked her down.”
“Margot Fonteyn?” That’s so like Renee.
Cole eyes me curiously.
“She’s a famous ballerina.” My heart races as I explain. We’ve finally found Renee.
“Except for that first week when she was with Alan, she’s been in rehab this whole time.”
“Where is it?” I ask.
“In the city.
It’s a free state-run facility. Not exactly the Ritz.”
“I have to see her. Can you watch Langley?”
He holds his hand up. “It’s a thirty-day program. She gets out in two days. We can go see her then and bring her back home with us. I’ll get Lily to watch the kids again.”
I shake my head. “I have to go myself. We can’t show up there together.”
He tilts his head and narrows his eyes slightly.
I swallow. “This isn’t about us, Cole. She’s my sister. I don’t want to risk upsetting her. Not on her first day out.”
“She gets out the day of your surgery,” he says.
“I’ll reschedule it.”
Cole frowns, obviously not liking that idea, but he must know I’m not going to let Renee come out of rehab and not be there for her.
He sighs his resignation, but his eyes are wary and tinged with uncertainty. “Go get your sister and bring her home. Once she’s back, things are going to change. We should talk. Make some plans.”
Plans. I’d like the idea of Cole and me having plans. I nod, on the verge of tears because of the relief I feel.
“Thank you for everything you’ve done for us.”
Cole responds by kissing me, and then he presses his forehead to mine and stays there, mingling our breath. I feel a tension in him that hasn’t been there before, and I understand it because I feel it too. Beneath all my relief is apprehension.
Renee is coming home.
My heart hammers against my ribs and my stomach jumps every time the heavy double doors open and someone comes out. It feels like I’m on a roller coaster except I’m sitting perfectly still in the waiting area of the Tenth Street Adult Recovery Center, waiting for my sister. The building smells like antiseptic cleaner. With gray concrete walls and lime-green tile floors, the feel of it is institutional, and it saddens me to think Renee belonged here for even thirty days.
When my sister finally walks through the doors, holding a small plastic bag in her hand, all I can do is stare at her. After all this time, all my worrying, she’s standing right there, not five feet away from me, and I’m afraid if I close my eyes she’ll disappear again. So I keep my gaze pinned to her and take her in from head to toe.
