by Debra Doxer
This time when I go, I won’t break my ties to this place or the people here. There’s a string tied around my heart, and the other end is held by the people I care about. That string will tug harder with each mile I put between myself and them, and it will remain taut until I can find my way back again.
It takes Renee a long time to get Langley settled for the night. I hear her and Langley talking and laughing long past Langley’s bedtime. When she finally comes downstairs, Renee appears more relaxed than I’ve seen her all night.
“Langley says next time we should run away together.” Renee drops down beside me on the couch. “She wants us to take a boat to a deserted island, declare ourselves princesses, meet our princes, and live happily ever after.” She rests her head back on the cushion. “Since the island is deserted, I don’t know how we’re going to meet these princes, but that’s eight-year-old logic for you. Oh, to be eight again.” Her expression falls. “Except we were never like that at her age. Were we?”
I shake my head. “She’s going to get anxious anytime you leave now.”
She nods. “I know. I have to earn her trust back.”
“It might take some time, but you will.”
Renee exhales a shallow breath and turns to look at me. “You can stay here as long as you want. You don’t have to rush home. We never did get our weekend together.”
I smile. It wasn’t so long ago that I didn’t feel welcome here. Now I hate to leave.
As Renee continues to look at me, she shifts her body in my direction and sinks her teeth into her bottom lip. “I asked Langley what you guys did while I was gone. Cole’s name came up a lot.”
My heart pumps a little faster. I know we have to talk about Cole, but I was hoping to avoid the subject tonight. As I struggle for a way to start this conversation, she tilts her head and watches me closely.
“Did you fall for him, Nikki? I can’t blame you. He’s easy to fall for.”
Her voice is oddly neutral, and after a long hesitation, I nod.
“But nothing happened between the two of you.” She says it as if it must be true.
I shift uneasily on the couch. “Actually, something did happen.”
Surprise flickers in her eyes as her lips turn down. “But you knew Cole and I were together. You said he told you.”
I struggle for an explanation that won’t hurt her. How can I tell Renee that Cole doesn’t want her? That he never thought of her that way?
“But I didn’t realize how you felt about him. If I’d understood—”
“I can’t believe this,” she whispers in a strangled voice.
Her stark expression, eyes tight with hurt, hits me like a punch to the stomach.
Renee curls in on herself as she leans back against the couch cushions. Her shoulders roll forward and her arms cross over her chest. “How could you, Nikki?”
The room seems to tilt and the ground shifts beneath me. I realize I lied to Renee, and I’ve been lying to myself too. I may not have known the extent of Renee’s feelings for Cole, but I suspected she had them based on her history, and I ignored that because it didn’t fit with what I wanted.
Renee doesn’t sleep with men unless she believes she loves them. Maybe that’s a symptom of what our father did to her. I don’t know. But as I sit beside Renee now and see her devastation, I’m floored by what I’ve done.
I place my hand on her arm. “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Please believe me.”
Renee looks down at my hand and then up at my face. “You haven’t been here that long. You can’t be serious about him.”
Shame has me averting my gaze. I can’t confess my deep feelings for Cole and watch her become more upset.
“Nikki, I don’t know what happened while I was gone, but I’m in love with Cole and you’re leaving soon. I need him. I need something good in my life. You already have so much. You don’t need him the way I do.”
When I turn back to face her, she sits up straight and pins me with a serious look.
“I’m asking you to walk away. For me.”
What? My mouth falls open. Everything inside me screams no. I love him more than her. He’s my destiny, my soul mate.
And she’s my sister, the one who kept me safe from our father. I’m not like her. If she hadn’t protected me, I don’t know how I would have survived.
I stay silent because I’m struggling. I can’t do what she’s asking, and I can’t not do it. Renee blinks and keeps her gaze on me.
“When I was upstairs, Langley said she’s going to miss you when you go home. She asked if we could see you more often. I told her we could because I thought we’d turned a corner. I thought we could trust each other again. But maybe I was wrong.” She sniffles softly and reaches up to wipe a tear from her cheek. “Was I wrong, Nikki?”
Tears well in my eyes too. She’s making me choose. It’s petty and unfair, but I can’t fault her reason. It doesn’t matter how Cole feels about Renee; if I believed she had feelings for him, I never should have gotten involved with him.
I squeeze my eyes closed as guilt bears down on me. What have I been doing all these weeks? What have I been thinking? I let the fact that I was falling in love with Cole justify my actions. But it doesn’t justify them. Nothing justifies betraying my sister for the second time in my life.
I close my eyes and picture Cole’s face, hear his voice, remember his touch. Then I whisper, “I’ll walk away.” And just like that, a light is extinguished.
Renee doesn’t smile or act triumphant. She only nods, and after a time she pulls me into a hug. If she notices how stiff I am, she doesn’t comment, and she can’t quite meet my eyes when she tells me how tired she is and goes upstairs to bed.
In the quiet, I hear her moving around above me. Outside on the street, a car passes by. The minutes pass and time moves, but to me it feels like the world is ending.
With a shaky hand, I take out my phone and see two texts from Cole. The first one asks if I’m okay. The next one wants to know if I’m free to talk. I look away from the screen. I don’t want to do this now. I want to ignore Cole’s texts and pretend he’s mine for a few more hours, but I can’t. If I don’t reply, he’ll worry. I can’t do that to him.
As if he can sense my mood, Siegfried gets up and lays his head on my leg. I blink away tears as I smooth my hand over his soft fur.
I stall a little longer and then I text Cole back. He replies immediately. He was waiting for me, and I knew he would be.
My legs feel like jelly as I go to meet him on the back patio, knowing this will be our last rendezvous there.
The moment I step outside, he walks over and pulls me into a hug. I can’t help it. I collapse against him and breathe in his scent, feeling the contours of his body press against mine. His hand moves soothingly over my back and I know I’m worrying him, but I can’t let go. If I let go, I’ll have to talk and start down a path there’s no returning from.
Cole holds me for a long time and the longer it goes on, the more tension I feel in his body.
“Nikki,” he finally says, impatience and worry in his tone.
Reluctantly, I lean back to look at him before I step away. He watches me with so much apprehension, I can see the way my mood alarms him. My insides quake with the words I have to say, and for a moment I falter. I struggle for a different answer, another solution. Then I picture my sister and hear her voice in my head. There’s only one right thing to do, no matter how wrong it feels.
“Renee says she’s in love with you.”
His expression relaxes slightly, like he was expecting something worse. “That’s too bad, because I’m in love with you.”
My heart stops and then thunders furiously. I wanted him to love me. I hoped for it, but I never believed I’d hear him say the words.
“And you’re in love with me,” he states confidently.
A shallow breath leaves my lips. “I am.”
Cole closes the distance I put between us and uses hi
s thumb to brush a tear from my cheek. “Then we’ll figure it out.”
I wrap my hand around his wrist and slowly push it away. “There’s nothing to figure out. Renee loves you, and I knew that was a possibility. I never should have let this happen.”
“I promise it wasn’t like that. I’m not an asshole, Nikki. I wouldn’t be with your sister that way and be with you too.”
“I know. This isn’t your fault. It’s mine.”
Cole shakes his head. “No, it’s my fault. I only wanted her in the first place because she reminded me of you.”
I stare at him, stunned.
He hangs his head. “I told you I thought about you. She looks so much like you.”
My chest squeezes painfully because I didn’t think his feelings ran as deep as mine. I never thought I was worthy of being loved like that, but the things he’s saying and the expression on his face tell me differently. He really did think about me. He was with Renee because she reminded him of me.
I swallow around the brick in my throat and consider giving in to him. I imagine shedding my guilt like a second skin. But if I make the selfish choice, the one that makes me happy, Renee will get hurt. She’ll feel angry and betrayed. She could cut me out of her life again, and Langley’s too. Her recovery is so new and fragile. If she shuts me out and starts drinking, how will I know? How will I be here for Langley?
Renee didn’t ask me to choose, but that’s what it comes down to. She wants me to walk away from Cole, and if I don’t, I know what the consequences could be.
When I shake my head and whisper, “I can’t do this to her,” it’s Langley’s face I see.
Cole bends his head to make eye contact. “You can’t do what? What are you saying?”
He knows what I’m saying. “I can’t be with you.”
He blinks and his eyes harden. “You’re willing to sacrifice us for her sake when you know there’s nothing between Renee and me.”
“This isn’t about you and Renee. It’s about me and my sister. What I did was wrong, Cole.”
“Did Renee tell you that? Because I know your sister too, and she told me a lot of things about you. Things I know to be lies. Is it possible she’s lying now to manipulate you, to keep us apart?”
My eyes widen at his accusation. “Please don’t say that about her. Renee doesn’t mean to lie. She just has a hard time seeing things the way they really are. It’s not her fault.”
His expression turns from angry to frustrated. “It isn’t only Renee who doesn’t see things clearly.” Rubbing the back of his neck, he shakes his head and raises hurt eyes to me. “Don’t do this. I’ll talk to Renee. I’ll make her understand.”
“No, you can’t!” I insist in a harsh voice when he takes a step toward the house.
He stops short and looks back at me.
“You can’t talk to her about us. You have no idea how much damage that could do, but at some point you will have to talk to her. When you do, I hope you’ll let her down easy.”
His gaze darkens, like he’s had a revelation and he no longer likes what he sees as much as he used to.
The only reason I’m maintaining any composure is because the person saying these terrible things to Cole is nothing but an empty shell. The real me is curled up in a ball somewhere, waiting for this nightmare to be over. When it ends, I’ll go away alone and fall apart then. If I crumple now, I’ll never get through this, and I have to get through this.
A heavy silence stretches between us and after a while, it’s as if something breaks behind Cole’s eyes.
“So that’s it? Your sister comes home and all the things we shared, all the things we feel, they don’t mean anything to you.”
“Of course they do. They mean everything.” I hug my arms around my middle, sick to my stomach.
“But it doesn’t matter,” he says. “Not to you. You never believed in us. You never let yourself.”
At first I’m offended, but as his accusation sinks in, I can’t deny its truth. I wanted to believe, I really did, but I’ve had so many disappointments in my life, I don’t know how to believe in good things anymore. I don’t know how to trust them.
He looks at me for one heartbeat and then another before a change comes over him. His expression smooths out and the warmth drains from his eyes.
“I thought you were brave, and maybe you were once, but not anymore. I can’t slay this dragon alone, Nikki, but I’d try if I thought it would do any good. I’d burn the whole fucking world down to be with you if I saw half the heartbreak in your eyes that I feel right now.”
His words are brutal. They tear into me. Can’t he feel the way my heart is breaking? Can’t he see how hard this is for me? The facade falls away and something fractures inside me. A wave of emotion crashes down. My breath hitches as tears stream down my face.
“I’m sorry.” My voice is broken, nearly unintelligible, coated in pain.
Sympathy melts some of the scorn in his eyes. No matter how I hurt Cole, he’s not immune to my tears. There’s so much despair passing between us, I think the weight of it may crush me.
“I’m sorry too.”
He stares at me hard and I can sense the war going on inside him. Comfort me, the person causing all this heartache, or walk away. It doesn’t take long for him to decide.
I watch as he turns and walks back toward his own house, fading into the night, taking all my dreams of happiness with him.
Deedee moved in with me for the first few days after my knee surgery, and she took Siegfried for walks in the park along with her dog, Brandi. It was supposed to be Cole taking care of me. It was supposed to be Cole in so many ways, and I can’t shake the dark cloud that keeps me company in his place.
Deedee thinks I’m depressed. She also thinks I broke up with Cole so I could make dancing my priority, because that’s what I told her. When she brings him up and suggests I made a mistake, I snap at her. I don’t want to talk about it. Recalling my last moments with Cole makes it hurt to breathe. I’m the walking wounded, slowly bleeding out, but I’m the only one who can see the deep red stains that color my skin.
The only way I can get through the day is to not think about it or talk about it. Thank goodness I have an all-consuming distraction. Like a demon, I channel my energy into rehabbing my knee and ensuring my body is ready to dance once it’s healed. I’ve lost the extra weight I gained eating all that lasagna with Langley, and I pour everything I have into dancing. I have to make a success of something in my life. I have to fill all the empty space I’ve been left with again.
Langley and Renee come to visit me often. Recently, Langley came on her own and slept over. Renee sent Langley on the bus and Deedee picked her up at the station. Langley was beyond excited to be coming into the city on her own to visit me. I took her to the rehearsal space one afternoon and she got to meet all the dancers. While we were there, I talked to Nadia and gave her my encouraging progress report.
By the time Deedee and I put Langley back on the bus back to Cooperstown, she was like a jumping bean, brimming with stories of her stay and begging to come back soon. I promised she could and waved good-bye as the bus pulled away.
“Now that she’s gone, you’re going to crash back down to earth,” Deedee remarked that day as Langley’s bus disappeared in the distance.
I rolled my eyes, even though she was right. I’m thrilled to have a close relationship with my niece, but I paid a high price for it. As anxious as Renee was to talk to Cole once she got home, she hasn’t mentioned his name since I left Cooperstown and moved back into my own apartment. I assume they’ve spoken, but I don’t ask Renee about Cole because no matter how desperate I am to hear any morsel of information, I don’t trust Renee not to embellish their interactions. If she did, it wouldn’t help my state of mind. It’s better to know nothing, to ask nothing, to say nothing about him.
One man Renee does mention often is Langley’s father. She’s had no word from Ben, but she’s on pins and needles, in a con
stant state of worry about him turning up again. I wonder if we scared him off for good that day. I hope so, but a part of me knows it won’t be that easy. Someday, Ben will come back.
Renee tells me she’s spoken to her therapist about him, and after hearing the whole story, the therapist advised her to proceed cautiously and to have all her ducks in a row. That means documenting what Ben said and did when he reappeared in her life. I contributed by writing down everything I remembered from my encounter with him.
Even if she never meets him, Langley will always have questions about her father. I don’t know if she should ever hear the whole sordid story of how Renee met Ben, but someday she may have to because I wouldn’t want someone else to tell her the rumors Cole heard before she learns the truth.
I recall Renee saying that Cole is the kind of father Langley deserves, and she’s right about that. Too bad most of us don’t get what we deserve.
It’s a cold, rainy night and I’m at home listening to the raindrops pelt against the windows while I do stretches to improve the range of motion in my knee. When the buzzer sounds, Siegfried wakes up and barks a few times. It’s late, but I’m sure it’s Deedee ringing from downstairs. She’s the only one who comes to see me unannounced.
I hop over to the panel on the wall and push the button to unlock the downstairs entrance. When there’s a knock a few minutes later, I pull open my door and am stunned by the two small people I see standing there.
“Derek is running away from home,” Langley announces. “I told him he could stay here.”
I’m speechless, looking for an adult in the empty space behind them as my mouth opens and closes silently.
Langley’s brows inch up her forehead. “Can we come in, Aunt Nikki?”
They both look like drowned rats, and I know they must have been walking around in the rain for some time.
“How did you get here?” I ask as I usher them inside.
