I was done.
Finished.
I didn’t care to beg, to live.
Lifting the gun, I aimed it at my head, and then I pulled the trigger.
***
I gasped for air as I awoke from the dream. Breathing heavily, I jerked up as my head whipped around. My body was damp with sweat, and my heart thundered against my chest. Dazed, I was able to confirm that I was still in the hotel room. My eyes flicked to my side as I heard Mia mumble in her sleep. Sighing, I leaned against the headboard and grudgingly ran a hand down my face. I glanced at the time. It was almost two in the morning.
I hadn’t had a dream like that in a long time.
I pressed down on my eyelids until my anxiety calmed. After I was settled, I lay back down in bed and pulled Mia into me again. She mumbled as she nestled her head into my chest. As comforting as it was having her beside me, I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I stared at the ceiling for the rest of the morning as I replayed the dream over and over again.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
MIA
After I spread butter on the toast, I took a crunchy bite. The entire time I kept my focus on Marcus, even as I reached for the cup of coffee. As I took a few sips, I studied him. He seemed distracted all morning as he quietly sipped on his coffee and read the local daily newspaper. The previous day we stayed in at the hotel as he requested, but his mood hadn’t changed. I knew what he was bombarded with was hard to accept, but there was no way I could comfort him without him allowing me in. Since we had left Boston the night before, Theresa had texted me non-stop. I had managed to keep my phone away from him then, but it had been a close call a few times. I had deleted all of her messages before Marcus and I went to bed.
“What time are we meeting your mother?” He finally spoke as he kept his eyes on the paper.
“Noon.”
Marcus raised his wrist with his watch snugly wrapped around it and checked the time. “It’s early. If you want to take a walk around the city, we should go now.”
“Okay.” There wasn’t much for me to say. I hated the distance between us. He was sitting so close to me, but he seemed so far away. Brushing those feelings aside for the time being, I stood up from the table and headed toward the bathroom before we left the hotel.
For the next few hours, Marcus and I strolled through the cool October breeze of Philadelphia’s historic area in Center City. It was exactly as I remembered it. Several wonderful memories of my father and brother resurfaced as we passed areas such as the Liberty Bell, shops on Market Street, and Old City—all places we visited when I was just a little girl. When Marcus and I passed certain streets or stores which brought back memories of my father holding my hand or Michael and I racing down the city’s pavement, I couldn’t help the slight squeal or laugh that escaped me. It was a feeling that brought the memories to life again. Although I always thought of them, being there at that moment made the time we had together to seem real again.
Marcus reached for my hand and gave it a light squeeze. I looked up at him, and there was a slight smile on his face—the first I’d seen since he stormed into my apartment the night before last. His eyes were still lost in his own world, but that tiny smile warmed and tugged at my heart. Without controlling the urge, I leaned up and kissed his lips. “I love you.” It was all I could say.
It was true, although I wished there was another word for “love,” one that expressed how deep and passionate my love was for him. The word “love” just seemed as if it weren’t enough. I had a constant whirlwind of emotions that tugged at every inch of my nerves: I felt lost without his embrace, my heart melted knowing that he was hurt or confused, and my body reacted instantly to the simplest touch from him. The look in his eyes when he gazed into mine with so much passion caused a wonderful and sickening desire that jabbed at my heart: Wonderful, because I could never have enough of him. Sickening, because if I were to ever lose him, there was no way I could recover from the pain. There had to be a word stronger than just “love.”
“Love you too.” He responded and I knew he did.
We continued to walk around until it was time to head back to the hotel. My mother, Megan, and Jeremy were meeting us at the hotel, so we could all head together to my grandparents’ home for a late lunch. As we entered the lobby, I spotted Jeremy instantly. His short blond curls and piercing blue eyes were not hard to miss. He stood as he saw us approaching. Both my mother and Megan were chatting as they sat beside each other.
Marcus shook Jeremy’s hand after I leaned in and gave Jeremy a quick hug. “Dude, I’m starving. Where can we get these cheesesteaks?”
Megan stood and reached in to hug me as she rolled her eyes at Jeremy’s comment. “He’s been talking about the damn cheesesteaks for the entire five-hour drive.” She whispered in my ear clearly annoyed.
Laughing, I pulled away and hugged my mother. “How was the ride in?” I asked Sara as we untangled from our embrace.
“It was . . . long.” She quickly glanced at Jeremy, who had a puzzled expression.
“What?” he asked. Megan and Sara shook their heads.
“It’s nice seeing you again, Sara.” Marcus leaned in and hugged my mom to break the tension.
“Same here, Marcus. Happy belated birthday. Mia said you had a wonderful time. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it.”
“Thank you. It’s okay. Yes, Mia and my mother did a wonderful job.”
Sara smiled in response and then wrapped her arm around Marcus. As she led the way out the door by his side, she asked, “How is your mother doing?”
There was a slight tug at my chest awaiting his response, but when he did answer, it was in a nonchalant matter. “She’s doing well. Thank you for asking.”
I quickly padded behind them and out the building as I rolled my eyes at Jeremy and Megan’s bantering behind me.
“Can you just behave for an hour?” Megan spat at Jeremy.
“Behave? What am I eight years old?”
Megan took a few settled breaths to calm down before she snarled. “You act as if you are.”
“Whatever. I’m hungry.”
“Ah, poor baby. Don’t worry, honey. Mommy will fill your tummy very soon.” I tried to bite back my laugh, but it didn’t work.
Well at least she was learning how to handle him.
***
Forty minutes later, we pulled into the driveway of a tiny brick colonial single family home located in the Somerton area of Northeast Philadelphia. It was a corner home on a quiet tree-lined street with a few similar households nestled along it. We exited my mother’s SUV rental and walked up the broken pathway toward the front porch. Leaves from the trees were scattered in the front. Some floated in the ceramic fountain that was in the center of the lawn. Sara, Jeremy, and Megan walked up the wooden porch steps as I hesitantly stood at the bottom. Marcus placed his hand on my lower back and firmly squeezed his fingers to comfort me, as if he were telling me that while he was there he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me.
I took a few deep breaths and walked up the creaking stairs, and Marcus followed behind me. “Granny.” Megan squealed as she ran into the arms of an elderly woman who had swung the screen door open at our approach. I couldn’t quite get a good look at first. Megan squeezed the woman and then pulled back to introduce Jeremy. Sara leaned in and hugged the older woman as well. “Hi, Mom, it’s good to see you.” Sara pulled away and turned to face me. She waved her hand for me to come closer.
That was when I saw her: my grandmother. She was short and fragile with dark grey hair that was pinned into a twist. Her gentle smile warmed my heart as the blue specks in her wide eyes gleamed. “Mom, this is Mia, your granddaughter.”
“Oh, my dear.” The older woman blurted as the tears began to stream down her wrinkled cheeks. She pulled me into a tight, warm hold. “You’re so beautiful. Oh my. I can’t believe how grown up you are. Let me get a look at you.” With a sniff, she pulled back to inspect me as her eyes traced my features
. “You look just like your mother, but you have your father’s smile.” That compliment gave me goose bumps and brought tears to my eyes. I couldn’t help but pull her into another hug. She swayed back and forth as we hugged and laughed.
Pulling back as I wiped my tears, I slightly turned to introduce her to Marcus. “This is my boyfriend, Marcus.” Marcus smiled and reached his hand out to her, but she caught his wrist and pulled him in for a hug. I laughed as Marcus’s larger frame overpowered hers.
“Well, come on in. William left to grab some cheesesteaks. Sara said that’s what you all are looking forward to eating.”
Megan shot an annoyed glance at me when Jeremy clapped his hands and began rubbing them together after yelling out, “Alright! That’s what I’m talking about.” Then he followed in behind Kathy, my grandmother.
“I might kill him before the weekend is over.” Megan leaned into me and whispered.
“If I don’t do it first,” Sara added.
We all entered the tiny brick home and settled in the living room area. I sat between Marcus and my mother on the plastic-covered sofa. Jeremy and Megan sat on the matching love seat across from us, as my grandmother glided on a rocking chair after she provided us with iced tea. There was an awkward silence before Jeremy chirped in.
“You have a lovely home.” He stated with a curt nod.
Lovely? I’d never heard him use that term before.
“Well thank you, dear. I’ve lived here for over sixty years.” She smiled and then turned her gaze to me. “So, Mia, tell me, how’ve you been? What have you done the past few years?” She asked as I sipped on my drink. I quickly glanced at her and then looked around the room. Everyone was quiet, waiting for me to reply. Setting the cup on the antique claw-leg coffee table, I leaned into Marcus as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder securely.
“Well, I have a bachelor’s degree in business, and I’m currently in law school—my second year actually.”
“Oh, that’s amazing news!” She clapped her hands with excitement. It made me smile. I wasn’t used to having someone overly excited about my achievements. It was nice for a change.
She continued to ask me questions about my life, school, where I’d worked, Michael—which was a short conversation because it created a sad vibe—and my relationship with Marcus. She also asked Jeremy a few questions, and his responses helped to lighten any negative energy in the room. We laughed as Megan mentioned past family memories, and I felt a little bit jealous because I had not been there to experience them.
We had been seated for a little over forty minutes when William, my grandfather, barged in with some two-foot-long cheesesteaks and curly fries. I was in awe of his six-foot-tall military frame, perfectly round bald shiny head, grey goatee, and sharp blue eyes. He was intimating, yet his eyes were soft and gentle. When I stood up to greet him, he continued to stare at me as tears formed in his eyes. It was as if no one else were in the room as he continued to ogle me. “Mia.” He forced through the lump in his throat.
I simply nodded. In three strides, he reached me, pulled me into a tight bear hug, and lifted me off the ground. With the tight embrace and the whiff of the musky scent of his cologne, there was a warm feeling about him that gave me a sense of comfort. I relaxed in his arms and hugged him back.
He held my chin with his large manly hand. “You look just like your mother.” He continued to study my features, amazed at the resemblance. “Are you hungry? Did you eat? Do you want something special? I don’t mind going back out and grabbing anything you’d like.”
I laughed and then sniffed back my tears. “I’m fine. Thank you.”
“Are you sure? I don’t mind. I just want you to have anything you like.” He paused as if a thought rushed through him, and then remorse filled his eyes. He then he pulled me into another tight hold. As much as I thought I would be angry with these two individuals who forced my mother to choose between her family and them, I wasn’t because they showered me with so much love. I could say that I needed it when I was younger, but I didn’t. My father and brother gave me all the love I could ever need. So it was the right moment. I needed them more now than I did years ago, and I could no longer be angry.
“Okay, darling, let the poor girl breathe. You don’t want her to run off, do you?” Kathy, my grandmother, blurted as she approached us. “Let’s all go in to the kitchen to eat.”
“Thank God.” I heard Jeremy mutter beneath his breath. I laughed after William looked up at him with an arched brow and asked who he was.
Within the next couple of hours, we stayed in the kitchen, which was also the dining room area, and we surrounded an oval-shaped wooden table. We all sat in mix-matched chairs. It wasn’t the most elaborate home, but there was a warmth and homey presence to it. Even Marcus laughed and joined in on jokes that William made about Jeremy. The cheesesteaks were beyond amazing and mouthwatering. Jeremy had his fill.
After things died down, Megan sat on William’s lap and hugged him tightly as she hummed to a song that he sang to her as a child. Sara and Kathy stood by the sink and washed dishes. Marcus and Jeremy discussed Marcus’s recent victorious trial, and I sat back and reflected on how grateful I was. There was nothing that I had ever wanted more than to have a family. When I met the DeLucas, I instantly fell in love with them and the love they had for each other. Now I had my own family. Although it was not as large as Marcus’s family, I felt at peace, knowing that I had one.
My phone vibrated in my back pocket, and I excused myself to go outside. As I shut the door behind me, I made my way to a chair swing by the corner of the porch.
“Hello.” I answered.
“Hi, Mia, I’m sorry for being a pain, but I just need to know he’s okay. I’m going crazy over here. I haven’t slept or eaten for the past few days.”
With my head leaning back on the chair, I looked out into the evening sky. “He’s doing okay. He hasn’t mentioned anything about you, but he seems a little better today than he did yesterday.”
Theresa let out a slight sigh of relief. “Well that’s somewhat good news. I need to talk to him. He hasn’t let me explain. He just barged out of here.”
A creaking sound along the porch made me jump. As I glanced over, I was relieved to see it was William. I ended my call with Theresa, promising I would call back tomorrow.
I looked up at his gentle smile. He stood a few feet away from me with his hands dug in his front jean pockets. “Everything okay?”
“Yes, just a friend checking in with me.” I started to stand, but he raised his hand to stop me.
“No, if you don’t mind, I would like to talk with you, privately.” He looked down and lightly shrugged. “If that’s okay with you?”
“Sure.” I scooted over so he could join me. He made his way over and sank down beside me.
The swing lightly swayed in place as we sat there in an awkward silence. After a few minutes, he finally cleared his throat. “It’s a nice night.”
A tiny smile touched the corner of my lips at his attempt to make small talk. It wasn’t easy for me either, so I just leaned back and admired the breeze. “Yes, it is.”
There were a few additional minutes of silence before he blurted, “I’m proud of you.”
Puzzled by the random statement, I tilted my chin and stared at his profile. He bowed his head and took a deep breath. “You grew up to be a very intelligent, independent, beautiful, and strong woman. I couldn’t be happier.” He looked up at me then. “I know I can’t make up for the last twenty-four years of your life, and it’s probably too late to build a relationship, but I can at least try. I want to be a part of your life. The last twenty-four years I’ve missed, but I don’t want to miss any more minutes from here on out.”
My heart swelled at his testament. I wiped away the tears that fell, and sniffing, I nodded slightly. “Okay” was all I could say; there was nothing more than that. How could I not give him another chance? Everyone deserved one, and maybe I was optimistic, but for
so long I suffered being alone, trying to be strong for myself. There was so much I had faced on my own at such a young age. I didn’t want to push anyone away anymore. I had built a high barrier and not allowed anyone in but a simple few. I took a chance with Marcus, and I believed it was the best choice I’d ever made. I wanted to take more risks, to find more chances for happiness, and most of all, to build a family.
The man before me locked his tear-filled eyes with mine as his lip quivered. His body slightly shook as if he was trying to hold it all in, and then he pulled me into a tight hug. “Thank you.” His voice cracked. “I promise I won’t let you down.” He broke into soft sobs. My chest tightened at his promise. I tried to hold back tears and dug my head into his neck. “I know it was stupid, but your mother was so young . . .”
“No.” I mumbled into his chest. “Let’s leave it in the past.” There was no reason to go back to it. I didn’t want an explanation, and I didn’t care for one. All that mattered was that he was going to make up for it.
After our cries subsided, we pulled away from each other and sat out on the porch for a very long time, talking and laughing about our likes and dislikes—sports, school, and so much more. He was a man who was so comfortable to talk to and so easy to love. He reminded me a bit of my father. It begged the question as to why they didn’t get along, but I kept it to myself. All that mattered was at that very moment we created a memory I was able to store away as a keepsake of the time my grandfather and I swayed on a porch swing, laughing and admiring the October late night stars. That was a beautiful night.
“Mia, are you ready to call it a night, sweetie?” Sara popped her head out the door. “It’s late, and we have to head back to the hotel.” I looked over at my grandfather. I was having such a good time with him, and I didn’t want to leave so soon. He gave me a warm smile. “Go ahead, Mia. It’s past my bedtime, anyway. I never survive past eight.” He let out a raspy laugh. “We’re all having dinner tomorrow at a restaurant, so we’ll see each other then. Get some rest.”
Smiling along with him, I pulled him into a hug, and then we walked into the house so that I could give Kathy a tight hug as well and wish her a good night.
Cautious (Sequel to Disastrous) Page 13
