by Renee Porter
“They said there was nothing they could do. His heart stopped in the ambulance but by the time they got to the hospital they were able to revive him. He had already lost too much oxygen to his brain.” I grabbed Maddie’s hand tighter as the sights and sounds barreled into me. The beeping heart monitor, the tubes, the machine breathing for him, it was like I was there in the room again.
I breathed in. “But I got to say goodbye…before they took him off life support. Mom wouldn’t let me be in the room when it happened so I sat in the waiting room with a nurse. And then a few hours later mom came in and took me home.” I hadn’t even realized that I was crying until Maddie brushed away a stray tear. I wanted to lean into her comfort. It was a feeling that I hadn’t been given from another person other than my mom in a long time.
“Like you said though, you got to say goodbye. And I’m sure he knew how much you cared for him.” I nodded my head as I wiped my tears with my shirt sleeve.
“I’m sorry, I’m not normally so blubbery,” I attempted a chuckle and in return Maddie gave me a smile.
“I think you’re allowed to be after today. And after everything you’ve been through.”
“Thank you, for today, I should’ve said it earlier.” My cheeks reddened at my sudden words but I continued none the less. “It felt good having someone there, to actually see how they are…”
Maddie furrowed her brows. “I don’t understand how they can get away with this. I mean, maybe if we were in some small town in Kentucky but this is California. San Francisco is basically the gay capitol of the world and it’s only a couple hours away. How can those girls openly bash you and not get punished?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “It’s just how it is here. No one takes it seriously. Plus Jenna is the school’s sweet heart. The teachers think she is God’s gift to the world and only the ones who feel her wrath really know what she is like.”
“Hmmm…” Maddie was contemplating something but I could tell she wasn’t about to say it.
“What?”
“Well, I was just wondering how long you’ve known that Jenna is gay?”
I started to cough as my throat dried up. There was no way in hell Maddie could know anything about that. I stared at her dumbfounded and she just started to laugh. “I’m right, aren’t I?” I didn’t confirm her assumption, but I didn’t deny it either. She clapped her hands in victory. “Gosh, I am damn good. I mean it’s so obvious. She’s been hounding you since freshman year and now she’s bashing you because you’re gay. And the only reason she could know you’re gay is you were obviously friends with her at one point.” Her eyes widened in realization. “Oh shit, was she your first girlfriend?”
I winced at the phrase. “Sort of?” Maddie stared at me with interest, her green eyes begging me to explain. “We were best friends growing up until she kissed me right before middle school graduation. I told her that I liked girls, just not her. I felt like she was my sister. After that she said she wanted to hang out with new people and left me in the dust.”
Maddie nodded. “It all makes sense now. She is still hung up on you. It’s the oldest trick in the book.” Maddie scoffed. “I mean, it’s really what kids do to one another but she is pretty immature so I won’t fault her for that.”
I chuckled at Maddie’s description. “There is no way that she is still interested in me.”
“Why wouldn’t she be?” Maddie defended as I rolled my eyes.
“Look at me, Maddie.” I motioned to my hair and my glasses and my teeth. Maddie looked at me like I had asked but her expression was blank.
“I’m looking. Again I ask, why wouldn’t she?”
My face warmed at what Maddie was getting across but I just shook my head. “Girls like Jenna don’t go for girls like me. Hell, no girls go for girls like me.” My voice softened as reality stuck out its ugly head.
“Gosh, she really did a number on you didn’t she?” Maddie stood as she grabbed the chair and rolled me over to my desk. I squealed as she placed me in front of the desk mirror and placed her hand on my head to get me to look at my reflection.
“First off, you’re not ugly, B. Not by a long shot.”
“I’m not?” I squeaked unconvinced. Maddie shook her head and smiled at me. I watched her as she took my hair in her hands and pulled it back. Keeping her eyes locked onto what she was doing she continued, “You’re exotic looking. Do you know how many girls would love to have dark hair and deep hazel eyes? I know that when I first met you that’s the first thing I noticed, and all I could think was ‘Damn. She’s so beautiful.’” I thought I caught a glimpse of her cheeks reddening but I was quickly distracted by her next words. “And I know you probably hate the braces but I can already tell that they are coming off soon. In what? Like six months?” I nodded my head afraid to speak. Not knowing what to say. Never had anyone been so open with me before. “I remember when I got mine off. It was one of the best days of my life.”
“You had braces?” I looked up at her and she nodded her head.
“I was also really lanky and a total tomboy. I didn’t fit in at all but I had Josh so it didn’t matter.” I felt her hands gliding through the last bit of hair. “People want what they can’t have and believe me, B, you have a lot what they want.” She finished by taking an elastic band from her wrist and securing the small strands of my hair that were left. I stared at my reflection. Gone was the frizzy nest and in its place was a neat French braid. Maddie put the long thick braid over my shoulder and smiled. When I acknowledged her I just shook my head.
“You could totally be a psychologist you know that?”
Maddie laughed and waved me off. “Naw. I’m going for bigger and brighter.”
I raised an eyebrow and contemplated what that meant. “I want to be an actress.”
“Ah,” is all I said. A brief wave of insecurity flashed through me. Well, if Maddie was lying with all that she said to me, she could definitely win an Oscar one day. “Have you always wanted to do that?”
I watched her as she took her seat on the edge of my bed. The sunlight that was peering through the window was now lighting my room in a burned orange. The rays shone brightly on Maddie as she warmed her face in the setting sun.
“I have. I grew up with it, you know?” I nodded my head but I didn’t know. Why would she grow up with it? Was her mother or father in the entertainment business? And then, something clicked. A puzzle piece fell into place and my eyes widened.
“Your father was Daniel Fields.” It wasn’t a question. It was the understanding that I was looking for. I didn’t know why I didn’t put two and two together when I found out Maddie’s last name. I thought back to the news a few months ago. Headlines were riddled all over about the death of actor Daniel Fields and his wife. They had been hit by a drunk driver after a red carpet event. I also remember them saying something about leaving behind a daughter but at that point I was no longer interested. News about death was always something I tended to tune out.
“Yeah. That was him.”
“I remember now, hearing about it. I’m so sorry that they passed away like that. It must have been devastating.” Maddie nodded her head and I could tell she didn’t want to talk about it. Talking about my father still hurt and that happened years ago. I remember how fresh the pain was within only a few months of his death.
“So you know a lot of people in the business then?” I tried to change the subject to something she was more comfortable with.
“I do. And I know it will be hard but I’m going to stop at nothing.” The determination in her eyes was all I needed to believe her. I had no doubt that Maddie would make it far.
“That’s awesome, Maddie. You’re going to go far. You have it in your blood.” I presented her with a wide metallic smile and she chuckled at my corniness.
“Thanks, B.” She glanced at her clock and her eyes widened.
“Shit, sorry. I have to go. I didn’t even realize how late it was.” She stood. I stood. We both ju
st stood there, not knowing how to end our talk. Thankfully, Maddie wasn’t shy like me and brought her arms around me in a strong hug.
“Think your mom will let me drop you off and pick you up from school from now on?” She raised her eyebrow as my heart thudded.
“Seriously? You wouldn’t mind?”
Maddie shook her head as we both walked to the front door. When I opened it for her she gave me another hug, smaller this time but it felt good none the less.
“Of course I wouldn’t mind. Plus, someone has to keep the wolves away.” She winked at me as she started to walk next door. “I’ll be here at 7. Good night!”
I bid her a good night as well and closed the door. Leaning my back against it I realized that my cheeks hurt from smiling. Damn. I hate it when my mother’s right.
Chapter 3
July 2015
“Damn, this place is packed! Oh look there are three spots over there.” Vanessa rushed ahead of me and Jared and I snickered at her excitement.
“She really likes these movies, huh?”
Jared huffed a laugh. “She’s been talking about this since the last one ended last year. I swear, if I didn’t know any better I think she’s in love with the lead actress.” Jared and I continued to walk down the stairs towards where Vanessa was now waving us down. “Although I can’t blame her. She is gorgeous” Jared elbowed me and I gave him a forced smile. We finally made it to our seats as the lights dimmed. The previews played as I reviewed my to-do list in my head. It was all I could do to keep my nerves settled.
The theater was packed and I was wedged between an engrossed Vanessa to my right and a larger man that was sweating profusely and smelled like vodka to my left. I cringed inwardly at my luck. How did I get here? How had I managed to dodge this for years only to be sitting here in this moment? Wasn’t it bad enough that everywhere I looked her face was plastered on billboards and magazines?
I felt Vanessa nudge me as the opening started to play. I took a deep breath wondering if I could close my eyes for two and a half hours and awake when it was all over. I tried it. I really did. But I didn’t make it two hours. I barely made it two minutes. Because when her voice settled within my ears at her first line in the movie the damn broke and my eyes opened to deep green. And just like the moment I first saw her, sitting on her front porch, there was Maddie. Larger than life, literally. Her face and skin as soft as I remembered. Her eyes deep and understanding. It was as if she and I were in my room talking to each other again. About everything. About nothing. Just two friends not knowing what the future holds and just living life in the moment.
I had known, of course, that once it was confirmed that Maddie landed the role of Holly Banks that her dream had come true. She would be playing one of the most talked about characters in the popular young adult dystopian novels and I couldn’t have felt more proud. I remembered her eyes when she spoke about making it as an actress. That determination, that drive. It never left her, even that last day I saw her.
“You don’t even know what love is,” Holly said. She turned into the burnt and smoking forest.
“How can I, Holly? How can I believe in anything that used to be when this is it? Look around us, we’re alone. Hell, we may even be the only two people left on this god forsaken planet. The plague took everyone. It took everything. Even love.” The deep voice cracked with emotion. Holly stood motionless. The leaves crackled with their kindling and Holly turned towards Blake.
“Yes, Blake. You’re right. We lost everyone along the way. We lost everything along the way.” She pauses as a tear rolls down her face. “Except for each other. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see that through all of this,” Holly raises her hands and turns, encompassing the bleak surroundings, “we are still here? All of our feelings, emotions, our flesh and blood. It is all still here.” She grabs onto his shirt and kisses him deeply. When she pulls away both bodies are heaving with emotion.
“Don’t go,” Blake whispers. But Holly steps back, giving herself distance.
“I have to. I have to know if there are more survivors. And I won’t beg you to come with me. I love you, Blake, even though you don’t know what that is anymore, I still do. And when I find more people, I’ll come back. For you. For us. And maybe…maybe then you’ll know that something inside of you did survive.”
The camera backs out as Holly retreats from Blake into the smoldering forest.
“Don’t go,” we hear him say as the movie fades to black.
“Don’t go,” I lip with him.
***
“I just don’t understand why it would end like that!” Vanessa exclaimed. Her mood had grown sour, a testament to how much fictional characters seem to burrow into the fabric of life. “I mean, come on! Really? That doesn’t happen in real life.” Vanessa placed her wine glass down and pushed around the food on her plate.
“Well, I think it followed the novels quite nicely. It leaves the reader and viewer with their own interpretation to the ending. Does she go back for him? I think she does. What do you think, babe?”
I watched as Vanessa smiled widely, her head nodding at Jared’s assumption. “Yeah, she has to right? I mean, otherwise why write it like that?”
“Because it’s reality,” I murmured. Vanessa glared at me and Jared pleaded with his eyes for me to not burden his girlfriend.
“If you really believe that then there definitely is no hope for your love life.” Vanessa stated. I knew it was meant to be a tease but it still stung.
I shrugged my shoulders, letting the comment slide off. “It’s the truth. You can love someone very much but in the end you can still be standing alone, watching her walk away.”
“But he said he didn’t love her. That’s why she walked away. Do you think she really would have left him if he told her that he was in love with her?” To anyone listening in on the conversation, they must have thought we were crazy talking about two fictional characters as if they were real people.
“I do.”
Vanessa held up her hands in mock surrender. “Why? Give me one good reason why she would still walk off?”
“Because she needed to prove herself.” Jared and Vanessa sat silent waiting for me to explain. I fidgeted in my seat and took a sip of my water, clearing my throat. “We grow up believing in fairytales. That a knight in shining armor is going to whisk away the damsel in distress and save her from a less than ordinary life. But not all women want that. They want to pursue their own goals, especially independent and strong willed women like Mad…” I paused, catching myself and then continued, “Holly.”
“So you’re saying that even if he stood there and said he loved her she wouldn’t stay?” Jared asked, completely interested in my assumption.
I nodded at his statement. “Yes. Because if she would have stayed she would have always wondered what else was out there. Could they have been happy living alone for the rest of their lives? Sure. But there would always be that something that wasn’t there. A life that could have been if she went.”
“You’re putting thoughts in her head.” Vanessa said in a matter of fact tone.
“Excuse me? She’s a fictional character, Ness. I’m just saying what I think the author was alluding to.”
“So the author doesn’t believe in love?” Vanessa countered.
I scoffed. “Of course she believes in love. I don’t think she would have written the ending like that otherwise. I just think what she was saying was that love can exist through distance. That two people can reach their means to an end without one another. Even if the two of them never saw each other again, there would still be love for both of them.”
“He.”
I raised my eyebrows at Vanessa and willed my frustration to settle. “What?”
“He. You referred to the author as ‘she’ but Randle Gooding wrote it.” I bit my tongue and shook my head.
“Sorry, of course. He.”
“Well, I’ll agree to disagree with you. I think that if Blake to
ld Holly he really did love her she would have stayed.”
“Well that’s your opinion.” I said flatly. But I knew the truth. She wouldn’t have stayed. Even if he said he loved her. She would have still left.
Chapter 4
March 2005
“Ow! What the hell was that for?” I rubbed my arm where a stinging sensation was still tingling my skin. I looked over to Maddie who was laying still beside me. Her mouth quirked into a smile.
“That was me yanking you out of whatever daydream you were having.”
I looked up at the dark night sky and chuckled. “Is it still called a daydream if it’s night time?”
We were settled in my back yard laying on the grass and looking up at the stars. I wondered if somewhere, someone else was doing the same thing away from city lights, wondering the same thing. How many more stars did they see? How many more tiny pinpricks of time invaded the night sky? Did they too look up and wonder if that star was still even there anymore?
“What are you thinking about?” I heard her ask.
“Just wondering if the stars we see are really still there.”
She grew silent and I could almost hear the wheels spinning in her mind. “Do you think they are?” She shifted her body towards me. I didn’t dare look at her as I answered, knowing that the twinkling light of the night in her eyes would rival any starlit sky.
“I don’t know. I guess it’s possible that they aren’t. Seeing as we are looking millions of years back in time.”
“Hmm,” she murmured.
