by Renee Porter
“What’s going on with you,” my mother asked as she placed dinner in front of me. I took my fork and started to push around the chicken and string beans.
“Nothing,” I said as my mother stared me down from across the table.
“Is this about your friend of yours? Regan?” My fork clattered loudly as it fell from my fingers. The nervousness welled up inside as I tried to place my mother’s true intent. Finally I let out a breath. Now was as good as a time than any other.
“Yes.” I whispered. My mother nodded but her eyes steeled. Did she already know? Was she okay with it?
“Did she break your heart?” Well at least one of my questions was answered. I sat there staring at my mother with wide eyes. Her gaze was still fierce but it was out of protection and not hate.
“No. I broke up with her.” The words were out before I even had a chance for my mind to explain it more gently to her. I had already researched how to come out to your parents but obviously I didn’t follow any of those suggestions.
My mother’s eyes widened and then a smile formed on her lips. She tilted her head to the left as she inquired, “She didn’t make you do anything you weren’t ready for, did she?” Stomach acid threatened at my throat as I thought about talking to my mom about my sex life, or lack thereof. I widened my eyes at her question and laughed.
“God no, she was nice. It just wasn’t working out.” With a simple nod my mother started to eat. I waited for her to say something. I half expected a lecture about safe sex but nothing came.
“Are you okay with it? I mean, with me being a…” I backtracked, “with me being gay?”
I watched my mother take a sip of her water and considered me for a moment. She was probably trying to think of the best way to tell me she was disappointed in me. I read the forums and the stories of things like this happening. I waited as I willed myself to stay strong. I knew that parents had coming out periods too.
“I know I’m not around a lot and I think that in a way I’ve failed you.” Her eyes started to water as I forced my mouth closed.
“Mom, I’m not gay because you work a lot.” I didn’t understand what her point was. She chuckled at my obvious confusion.
“I know you’re not gay because of that sweetie. I kind of assumed you were like this when you didn’t talk about boys and started hanging around Maddie a lot last year.” Her eyes twinkled as my face warmed. I didn’t elaborate on that last statement.
“So you knew?” She nodded. “Then why are you blaming yourself?”
“Because I should have been there for you. You should have been able to talk to me about it all and I wasn’t there for that. Sometimes I see you as so grown up and independent that I forget you’re still my baby.” Her tears were falling freely now and I couldn’t stop the ones that were starting to form in my own eyes. I stood up and walked over to her hugging her tightly.
“I don’t want you to blame yourself for anything. You’re doing the best you can and you’re a single mom now with me to support. I just hope that one day I’m able to do the same for you.” We stayed there silent for a few moments until both of our tears dried. She leaned back, releasing me and smiled.
“I just want you to be happy, B. That’s all a mother really wants for their child.” She paused, “You are happy aren’t you?”
I nodded because in that moment I was. I was finally out to my mother and she accepted me with open arms.
“Thank you,” I told her. “Thank you for understanding and thank you for just being my mom.” She placed her hand on my face and breathed in deeply.
“Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about rules.” My eyebrows rose as she smiled. “Don’t think that just because you’re gay you don’t get the same rules about girls that you would about boys.”
I rolled my eyes at my mother but I secretly loved it. I felt as though the world was finally on my side.
***
“You don’t think this is too much?” I asked my mother as we strung up the last bit of lights in the living room. I looked around the dimly lit area and my nerves skyrocketed. This was a stupid idea.
“No, of course not. Your father did the same thing for me before you were born. He found out that I never went to my prom and he knew I had regretted it so he brought the prom to me.” My mom chuckled. “Even though it was years later.” Her eyes glossed over, reliving old memories.
“But the difference is that Maddie and I aren’t a couple. She’s just my friend. You don’t think she’ll feel uncomfortable?”
The room had a romantic atmosphere and I thought about just cutting the idea all together. Why did I have to even mention to my mom that Maddie wasn’t going to prom? We could have just hung out and watched movies all night instead of this cheesy display of friendship.
“Please. You and Maddie are best friends. She won’t think it’s stupid.” My mom started to walk off but then turned, “but if anything does happen between you tonight…no sleeping in the same bed.” She lifted a finger and I had to laugh at her ‘strict’ tone.
“Mom, nothing is happening between us. She’s not like me.”
“Don’t be so sure of yourself, B. I’ve seen the way that girl looks at you.” I chewed on my bottom lip and wanted to ask ‘how’ Maddie looked at me but I fought against the urge. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want false hope.
My mother left for her night shift and I stood there awkwardly in the middle of the room. My palms were sweating and my anxiety was at the highest it had ever been. I had sent Maddie a text to meet me at my house at eight because my mother was having a party. I told her to dress nice, preferably in a dress, seeing as my mom’s boss would be attending. She sent back a *groan* text which made me laugh but she also said she wouldn’t be late.
Now the clock read 7:59 and I was wondering if in one minute I could cancel everything and just meet her at her house instead. By the time my mind told my hand to take out my phone it was simultaneously registering the doorbell. I breathed in a deep breath and opened the door. There was no reason to be nervous. It was just Maddie. Just the girl I was head over heels in love with.
“Uh, hi,” Maddie said as she stuck her head in the door. I smiled at her, forcing myself to calm down and moved from the door to let her in. She took in the décor and twirled, her short sleeveless emerald dress spinning with her. My heart stopped for a moment and I thought that maybe I would need someone to help resuscitate me. Would it be too cliché if I wanted it to be the girl in front of me?
“What is this? Where is everyone?” Maddie turned to me and smiled. “You look nice.” She added at the end.
I shook my head as her bright smile infectiously moved through every vein in my body. “Yeah, about that party. That was just a ruse to get you over here.” I said honestly. She stared with a confused gaze and I continued. “I didn’t think that you would be so keen on the idea of going to prom, so I brought the prom to you.” I held up my hands as her smile faded. She looked around the room again as she took in every detail. Every light. Every flower. The punch bowl on the table with white linens and soft music playing in the background.
“You’re serious? This is for me?” She finally asked as her turn ended facing me. I nodded at her and waited. I tried to place her expression but I couldn’t read her. Lately I was finding it more difficult to know what she was thinking.
“I know it’s corny. But my mom said that she regretted not going to her prom and I didn’t want you to go through the same thing.” I waited yet again for her to speak but she just stood there staring at me. “And now I know it was probably a stupid idea. So instead we can just watch a movie and hang out on the couch…”
I was quieted by a hand on my arm, pulling me in for a hug. Maddie wrapped her body around me and tightened her arms. I felt protected, warm, loved, and breathed in her peach perfume. My senses were over loaded and I forced myself not to allow my hands to roam across the skin on her bare back.
“Thank
you, B. No one has ever done anything like this for me.”
She pulled away as she stared into my eyes. Her gaze was intense yet soft, just like everything about her. How was it possible that she could make my heart race with just that one look? I watched as her green eyes slid over my face and land on my lips. In response my own parted. How badly I wanted her own lips where her eyes stayed. With a forced thought I pulled away from her and diverted the heated gaze, not knowing why my body didn’t listen to my brain.
“Want something to drink?” Maddie cleared her throat as she nodded and we moved over to the punch bowl. That night we danced and laughed and talked about everything. From our classes to her graduation, but both not nearing the topic of her eventual departure. That wasn’t a topic for tonight. Not a night that was so full of fun and laughter.
By midnight we were both exhausted and Maddie thanked me again before she decided it was time to leave. I offered to walk her and she accepted and at that moment I had wished that she lived further, just so I could have some more time with her.
“I can’t thank you enough, B. What you did for me was better than any prom.”
I barked a laugh. “I really didn’t know what you would think of it, seeing as you were so against going.” We made it to her door but she didn’t turn the knob. Instead she faced me.
“I wasn’t against going. It’s just that the person I really wanted to go with is sort of unavailable.” My heart constricted at her words. It was the first time she ever said she had been interested in someone and immediately I felt the world crash in around me. So much for it finally being on my side.
Before I could torture myself and ask ‘who’ she placed a soft kiss on my cheek and opened her door. She gave me one last smile and a ‘good night’ before I was standing there alone, looking at the peeling white paint. I forced myself to breathe and take the first step towards home. The feeling of cold surrounded me despite the warmth of the night and as I unplugged the lights in the living room and entered my dark room I couldn’t help but take one last look over across the oak branches. I watched as Maddie sat on her bed with her head in her hands. She looked defeated and vulnerable and so much of me wished I was with her to wipe that fear away. She took a glance over to me and for a moment I stood still, not knowing if she could see me or not. I watched her go to her door to open it but then she hesitated and shook her head. Moving to the window she took one more glance out of it before she drew the curtains closed.
Chapter 7
February 2016
I entered the kitchen as I rummaged around, famished for something to eat. I had gotten stuck at lunch grading papers and had forgotten to eat. Sometimes I wondered why I worked when I could live off the royalties from my books but I just shook my head. I loved teaching and wouldn’t give it up for the world.
When my eyes came across a premade lasagna dish my mouth started to water. I took out the large casserole and peeked under the aluminum foil, the smell of marinara sauce already assaulting my senses.
“Nu uh, not for you.” My mother came into the kitchen and slapped my hands away, folding the aluminum foil back in its proper spot.
“Hey, why not?” I asked with a pout. I went for the dish again and my mother blocked me.
“Because this is for the new neighbor. I was actually hoping you could drop it off for me. I’m on night shift again tonight.” My mother picked up the tray and plopped it into my hands. I inwardly groaned.
“Why do I have to do it? Can’t you just take it tomorrow morning?” I pleaded with her but her stern look was more than enough for me to shut my mouth.
“Just bring it over and I’ll make you a sandwich or something before I leave.” I stomped my foot like a child thinking that I could be eating lasagna instead of ham and cheese sandwich. My mother chuckled as she showed me to the door. “Don’t throw a tantrum and meet the woman. She’s nice. You’ll like her.” With one last look over my shoulder she added, “And be nice, Beatrice.”
My lip twitched at my full name and muttered a not so nice provocative word under my breath.
I knocked on the front door, the paint now a beautiful clean white. Over the last few weeks cleaning and construction crews came and went, tiding the house up for the new tenant. I didn’t even want to think how much Maddie had to pay in order to get the house back to living order. Those kids had probably trashed it.
“Come in!” I heard from inside. I looked around me stupidly, not thinking that the invitation was meant for me. Maybe this woman was expecting someone? I thought about placing the lasagna down at the front step and then leaving but my manners got the best of me.
I opened the door as I stuck my head in. I hadn’t been inside this house for a decade but the familiar decorating and colors was enough for my tension to slowly ease. “Hello?” I called out. “I’m from next door. My mother wanted me to send you over a house warming gift.” I waited for someone to answer but the voice never came. I made my way through the foyer and then to the kitchen. I placed the lasagna down on the table and turned to leave. I guess I would have to introduce myself later.
“Oh, please tell me it’s your mom’s lasagna. If you do I swear I’ll love you forever.”
I think I’ve only been speechless three times in my life. The first when I found out my father died. The second when Maddie told me she was leaving and the third at this precise moment. I couldn’t speak but I could damn well stare as I watched Maddie peel back the aluminum foil and take a deep whiff of the lasagna. I took in everything about her. From her long, curly waves to the way her t-shirt and jeans fit her toned body. I knew that Maddie was a beautiful girl but as a woman she was simply breathtaking.
“Hello? Are you in there?” Maddie was waving her hands in my face and that seemed to knock me out of my stupor. I stared at her as my embarrassment showed heavily.
“What are you doing here?” I finally asked. I don’t know if it sounded accusatory or just plain fascinated but I needed to know why Maddie was in this kitchen, with me, right now.
“I live here now. I decided to move back after your mom called me and told me about how crazy those kids were.” Maddie took the lasagna over to the stove and pushed some buttons. The wheels in my head turned as I started placing what she just said.
“My mother?” I watched as Maddie bent over to place the lasagna in the oven and I quickly diverted my eyes. I didn’t want to be caught looking.
“Yeah. She didn’t tell you?” She looked over at me and suddenly her smile fell. “Oh, you thought that I...you had no idea I was back.”
I shook my head confirming her suspicion. “She told me to come over to introduce myself to the ‘new neighbor’.”
Maddie laughed softly. “And she told me that you were coming over for dinner and that she would make us a meal since I don’t have any food stocked up yet.”
We both sighed in unison. “Was she always this meddling when we were kids?” I asked after a few moments of silence. Maddie’s smile widened as she took a few steps, closing the distance between us.
“She probably was but we were so engrossed in everything teenager that we didn’t notice.” She tilted her head slightly and then said, “Hey, B.” The way she said my name weakened something inside. My heart tightened, and the butterflies I thought had long gone made their appearance from a time once forgotten.
“Hey, Mads.” She smiled as she opened her arms, never one to allow moments to get away from her. I hugged her tightly in turn and before it became awkward, I pulled away.
“It’s been what? Ten years?”
I nodded as she moved away from me, opening her refrigerator and pulling out two beers. She lifted one up in invitation and I again nodded at her. She removed the cap, throwing it into the trash can and placing the beverage next to me at the table. She took her own seat and looked at me, taking in what time had changed.
“You look great.”
“Thanks. So do you. Looks like you’re not eating though. What do they feed you i
n New York?” I took a chance to glance at her body. It was obvious that my words were teasing as Maddie always had a perfectly proportional body. She had curves where there should be and lean, toned muscles that she perfected throughout the years.
Maddie laughed as she sipped her beer. “Definitely not lasagna, I’ll tell you that. I have a feeling I’ll be in the gym twice as much just living next to you again.”
“I can’t believe you’re back, really. You always said you’d stay in New York. What changed?” I was seriously curious what could have driven her back out here.
“Well, after I finished the series I decided that there wasn’t really anything there for me anymore. Plus there are a lot more opportunities out here for movies and shows so I thought it was the best move. New York would have been great if I wanted to do theater but that’s just exhausting.”
“So you’re looking for work?” I asked in conversation. I wanted to steer clear of the movie’s success. There were only a few people who knew about the true identification of Randle Gooding and I had planned to keep it that way for a while.
“Not right now. I’m just enjoying this break. I will have to get out there eventually though. Just to keep my name fresh in everyone’s mind. What about you? Your mom said that you’re teaching?”
I took a long swig of my beer and nodded. “Yes. I teach communication at none other than Granada Hills High.” I smiled as she almost spurted out her drink. She looked at me with wide eyes and then laughed with a fit.
“You cannot be serious. Out of all the high schools in the area, you chose to go back to good old GHHS?”
“What can I say? I’m a stickler for punishment.” I sighed as she continued to laugh.
“Has it changed at all?”
“Well, some of it has. A few years back some seniors snuck on campus during the night and cut that big pine tree down in the middle of the quad, so they took the opportunity to renovate. And they went Charter so everyone has to wear uniforms.”
