by Renee Porter
“Hey, it wasn’t that bad,” Maddie nudged me with my shoulder and I chuckled.
“Not when you got there.” I smiled through a sip of my coffee remembering that fateful day in the L building bathroom.
“Is it going to be a problem though? Being a teacher and being out with your students?”
“No. I already spoke to the principal about it, just in case. He knows I’m gay so it wasn’t a surprise for him. GHHS is still a public school so I can’t be fired for my sexuality. I’m backed by the state in that sense…just not the students who have issues with it.”
“I can’t believe there are still kids who have a problem with it. There are already states that allow you to marry and by the end of the year it’s possible that all states will allow it too.”
“I know. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a lot different than when we were there. A lot of kids are out already and don’t really get any hell for it. But it’s just those select few…”
“Mmmm,” Maddie responded. “The Jenna’s of the world, huh?”
I barked out a laugh and nodded my head.
“Whatever happened to her and the ‘Fab Five’?”
I peered out across the street, watching the light mist turn heavier. “I’m not too sure about the other girls, but Jenna moved up north and got married to some internet venture capitalist. She has two kids.”
“Wow, I really thought she would’ve ended up with a woman.”
“Who said her partner is a man?” I quirked an eyebrow up at Maddie whose eyes widened.
“Seriously?”
I nodded my head in confirmation. “They seem happy. She actually reached out to me a couple of years after high school to apologize. We went out for a couple drinks and I met her wife. They are a cute couple.”
“And it bothers you, doesn’t it?” Maddie asked placing her now empty coffee cup next to her chair.
“Why would that bother me?”
“Because Jenna was horrible in high school and then all of a sudden finds herself, gets married and lives the American dream. She still got everything she wanted while in the meantime putting you through hell.”
I stared down into my coffee cup not wanting Maddie to be right about my unfound envy. “I’ve come to realize that the world doesn’t play fair.” I glanced over at my friend who held a sincere expression. It’s nice to know that some things will never change.
“You’ll have that one day, B. You just have to give it time.”
“Yeah, well. The thing with time is that we have so much of it but so little of it too.”
“Truer words have never been spoken. Want another cup?”
“No, thank you. I better get back home and finish grading some papers.” I stood up and Maddie took my proffered empty mug. We both stood there for a moment not wanting the night to end. As I stepped down the first steps into the light mist I turned back around.
“Hey, have you ever read opinions on the impacts of social healthcare?” I asked in earnest.
Maddie laughed and shook her head at me.
“Care to read what some seventeen year olds have to say on the subject?” I watched Maddie tilt her head, considering my offer.
“Will there be coffee?” She asked seriously.
“Oh yes, much coffee.”
Chapter 9
April 2016
The auditorium started to fill as the roar of student voices filled and echoed against the walls. The podium was set up dead center in the large room and I wondered how fast my legs could take me to the bright green exit sign.
I had already volunteered Vanessa and some other trustworthy teachers to moderate the crowd. If there was one thing I didn’t want to happen, it was to have these brave students feel unwanted by hecklers shouting obscenities through their personal stories. If there was one thing keeping me glued to my spot it was the fact that I had an intrinsic urge to protect these kids. To help them through this part of their life, just like I had been helped through mine.
With much thought and consideration, I had decided not to tell the masses about my forced coming out in high school. Maddie had supported my decision and I was grateful for that. Instead I would talk about my insecurities of my father dying and my battle with how I saw myself when I was younger. The taunts and teases about my braces and not having that much money after my father died. I thought it was comparable to the bullying that some may experience. Was it cowardice? Probably, but a part of me was still that insecure little girl from high school and I couldn’t gather enough courage to allow the woman in me to step up.
“Beatrice, we’re going to start in five minutes.” The principal said to my left. I breathed in deeply and nodded my head once, letting him know that we were ready. I looked over to the group of students who were going over what they were going to say on their sheets of paper. Many looked nervous. Many wore Human Rights Campaign t-shirts saying positive passages about equal rights. I was proud of them and I told myself that it was all that mattered. I didn’t have to be proud of myself.
The lights flickered and I knew it was time. We all knew our positions of when we would say our speeches and of course I had decided to go dead last. The students thought that the decision was for the best since it would end with the most impactful statements but I knew it was because by the end of the assembly students would be counting the minutes on the clock until lunch and wouldn’t focus too much on me.
“Everyone quiet down,” I heard Principal Williams say. “Today we have a very special presentation on a topic that has swept over many headlines in the recent years. Bullying has gained a lot of attention due to the ill effects it has on the victim as well as those guilty of the tormenting. My hope for today is that you all take in these stories told by your peers and mentors in the community and really think about how this effects the daily lives of the people it is happening to.”
I heard a ‘boo’ shout from someone in the stands. Vanessa was immediate in reprimanding the student and I could see her lecturing him from where I stood.
Denise was the first speaker to the podium. She walked on with a small applause and smiled brightly and proudly at the audience. The knot inside of me loosened as I heard her story.
“Three years ago, my brother came out to our family. It’s not uncommon for this to happen. A lot of people come out when they decide that they can’t keep these feelings hidden from the ones they love the most. What is uncommon though, is how young he was. He was only ten.” She paused for the impact and a few gasps and murmurs could be heard from the crowd. “Now, I know what some of you may be thinking. How can someone so young know that he is gay? A ten year old should be thinking about playing at recess, not about how he feels towards other boys.” She took the microphone from the podium and held it in her hands, moving across the large expanse of the auditorium stage.
“My parents thought it was a joke. They said that what he was feeling was just envy for other boys his age and that the feelings would soon pass. They delimited his feelings to nothing but a phase and in turn my brother fell into a deep depression. As the year passed my brother was put into sports. Told what to wear. Who to hang out with and even what television shows a ‘man’ was supposed to watch. With every day that he was forced to experience these gender norms he grew more tired and distraught. He would tell my parents that he didn’t want to play sports; he would rather cook. He didn’t want to watch action movies; he wanted romantic comedies. He didn’t want to hang out with football players; he wanted to go with his friends to the mall. Who are we to say that these things are wrong? Who are we to say that a young child’s likes aren’t correct because they aren’t manly enough? And, who are we to say that if we inundate a child with these norms then they will grow into something that society believes is correct.”
The fact of the matter is that none of these things worked. The only thing they did was make my brother believe that he wasn’t who he felt he was inside. After a while he didn’t want to be depressed anymore. He didn’t
want to do the things that he was forced to do so he started acting out. He would sneak out of the house at only twelve years of age. He started hanging out with people who weren’t the best influence and he started smoking, doing drugs and drinking. Last year,” Denise took a moment to steady herself, her eyes starting to tear, “Last year my mother got a phone call at three in the morning saying that my brother was in the hospital from apparent alcohol poisoning. Twelve years old and he almost died because he couldn’t deal with the pressure that was placed on him. He didn’t ask to be this way. Because how can a ten year old choose a life like this?”
After my brother almost died, things changed in my house. My parents realized that they would rather have a son who identified as gay over no son at all. They started to accept him for who he was and not who they thought he should be. In turn, the pressure on my brother eased and he started to love himself again. He stopped hanging out with bad influences and started to become the person he felt like he was inside. I almost lost my brother because he wants to love another man. Now you tell me, is a life worth losing over love? I don’t think so.”
The crowd erupted in applause as Denise left the stage. She gave me a watery smile and I gave her a tight squeeze on the shoulder. And that was how the rest of the stories went as well. Each student and member of the community told a story about bullying. Seeing it, being a part of it or even starting it. With each end the students erupted into applause and everyone’s spirits lifted at the sound.
With five minutes until my speech I started to grow more nervous. I ran through the points in my head, making sure that I was getting my point across. If these kids could do it, so could I right?
“B,” I heard Principal Williams whisper. I looked over at him motioning me to join him in a hidden corner. I walked over and my suspicion rose as his eyes were wide with excitement.
“Jonathan, what’s going on?”
He smiled. “We just found out that a new speaker would like to talk. We only have your slot available so I was hoping that you wouldn’t mind giving it up. I think the students would want to hear this one.”
My own eyes widened as my nerves settled down. I was being given an out and although I had psyched myself up for speaking, I took the easy way out. “Sure, of course. Who is it?” I asked in interest. He shook his head at me and ushered us back to the side of the stage.
“You’ll see.”
***
Maddie walked into the auditorium as the last student speaker exited the stage. The applause that was roaring quickly quieted as the group of students and teachers followed her with their eyes. Murmurs of ‘is that Madeline Fields?’ could be quietly heard around the large room. She gripped the podium and gave a small wave. Her posture was straight and confident and a part of me wished that I could go up there and hug her for showing up. I smiled as she quickly looked over to me and gave me a sly wink. Then she started.
“Can we have one more round of applause for these brave men and women who have told you deeply personal stories of their life?” The silence was broken by a loud wave of applause and hollers. Maddie stood there smiling, and applauding herself. I glanced over at the students and mentors that had spoken. Each had an unbelieving smile and stare locked onto Maddie. The applause died down as Maddie brought the microphone up to her lips again.
“Some of you may know me, for those who don’t, my name is Madeline Fields.” Again applause sounded and wolf whistles were screeched through the auditorium. “What some of you may not know though,” she waited as the sounds quieted, “is that I grew up experiencing much of what these men and women did.” She commanded the floor as every eye trained on her. “I grew up differently than a lot of people. Some may think that growing up with a famous father would be exciting and in some ways it was, but that didn’t mean that everyone thought that. People assumed that I was pompous and led a rich lifestyle which actually made me an outcast. I would hear taunts in the hallways, kids would pretend to like me just to get the benefits of having a famous family and I realized that people didn’t really like me for me. They just liked me for my status in life.” She paused as she tried to gather her next thoughts. “I also didn’t look the part. While my father was handsome and my mother beautiful, I was lanky. I had braces, my hair didn’t do what it wanted and I definitely didn’t look the part of having a famous father.” There was a surge of questioning sounds from the crowd. Maddie held up a hand to quiet them, “I know. I know, things became a lot different as I began to discover myself. I started to eat healthier. I started to run with my mother in the mornings and I became someone who I saw on the inside. But still, a part of me believes she is that little girl who didn’t know which way was up and couldn’t believe that she could actually trust someone to get close enough to.” Maddie quickly glanced over at me. The gesture was so raw and I swallowed heavily. “When my father and mother passed I quickly found out who my real friends were. Suddenly I was casted down the social ladder and was forced to move to Southern California to live with my grandmother. It wasn’t until I came to GHHS my senior year that I found out who I really wanted to be.”
At the sound of Maddie saying that she had attended their very high school the kids shouted in astonishment. No one had known, save a few, that the actress was technically an alumni. “The week before I started here, I met a friend. A young woman who didn’t know who I was but still liked me for just me. I think that’s what drew me to her friendship at first and then I realized that we were a lot alike. We both lost people we loved dearly and I also found out, in a not so nice way, that she experienced the same type of hatred that I had as a kid. Just because she was different, the kids in school treated her as such and although it was harsher than what I experienced the pain was still no less.” Maddie took a deep breath.
“I saw it first hand, how hatred and fear can break someone down. And when I saw her being bullied I couldn’t stand back and watch this pure soul feel that any longer. I stood up for her and that was the first step in the right direction. After the bullies realized that someone was in her corner, they started to back off. In turn, I gained a best friend, one that I realize could withstand the test of time.”
“You see, I’m not so different than all of you. What the media portrays me to be is not who I really am. When I’m not going to a premiere or publicizing my movies, I’m sitting on my couch and watching cheesy rom coms or scary movies. When I’m not in front of the camera, I’m reading hurtful things about myself that I read in the tabloids. The fact is that bullying doesn’t end after high school. It’s apparent in the workplace, it’s apparent in the media and the news. The way we change that is not turning our backs on it, but stepping up and coming out of the closet and saying that things need to change. We need to understand that life is precious. We need to keep friendships that make us better people and remove those from our lives that only give us negatives. These men and women, your peers, your friends, they are the truth of your generation. Not me. I play make believe for a living. These brave young men and women are more than that. They are true and brave and deserve to be treated with as much respect as you have treated me this afternoon. So that’s my story, and I hope that hearing it will change something inside. Stick up for that girl or boy you see being bullied. Who knows, you may gain a friend for life.”
Maddie smiled and waved as she stepped off of the auditorium stage. The crowd was deafening as she walked backstage to the group of students that had pulled this all off. They shook her hand, took pictures with her and she signed autographs. In my eyes I don’t think I had ever seen anything so perfect. I caught her looking over at me every few moments, offering me a shy smile and when Principal Williams ushered her over to me, I couldn’t help but want to gather her in a bone crushing hug.
“And this is Beatrice Montgomery. She was essential in getting this presentation off the ground. Beatrice, did you know that Ms. Fields went here?”
I gave Principal a sly smile. “I think I remember seeing her ar
ound,” I shook Maddie’s hand as if we had just met.
“Thank you for allowing me to come and say my piece. I think that this was a great idea and I hope that the kids got something out of it.”
Principal Williams beamed with pride. “I’m sure they did. And I can’t thank you enough for joining in on the talks. Wasn’t that a nice surprise, B?”
I locked eyes on Maddie as I forced the tears back. It wouldn’t do any good showing my emotions on my sleeve right now. “The best.” I nearly whispered.
Chapter 10
April 2016
“Maddie?!” I stormed into the house, not waiting for a response. I barreled up the stairs and checked every room, fully intent on giving the woman a piece of my mind. When I made it to her room I stopped suddenly as smooth shoulders met my eyes. Maddie turned around, towel drying her long blonde curls that had darkened from the shower water. She stood in nothing but jeans and a black laced bra and when I finally realized that I was staring I quickly covered my eyes.
“Shit, sorry…I didn’t know you were…” I heard Maddie chuckle and I knew she was shaking her head.
“It’s okay, B. Nothing you haven’t seen before.” I peeked one eye open and Maddie was just finishing putting on a deep green V-neck shirt. I opened my eyes as I willed the embarrassment to diminish.
“What’s going on?”
What was I doing here again? Besides walking in on a beautiful woman changing? Oh right. I’m pissed. Let’s get back to that feeling instead of the twinging sensation in your stomach. I pointed to the piece of paper in my hand. “Twenty five thousand, Maddie? That’s way too much. The club wouldn’t even know what to do with that kind of money.”
Maddie shrugged as she grabbed a comb and started untangling her hair. “I figured you guys can set up a scholarship or something.”
