Everyone:
Waaaaay!
JIM STRIKES ROCK STAR POSE.
Barbara:
No, no, we’re going to have a toast. Come and sit down.
Nana:
You made me jump.
BARBARA HANDS TWIGGY THE BOTTLE TO OPEN, HE OPENS IT THEN PASSES IT BACK. BIG CHEER AS BARBARA POURS THE POMAGNE. MARY HELPS HER HAND IT OUT
Barbara:
Jim, are you going to say something?
Jim:
Yeah.
Dave:
Turn the volume down on the telly, Jim.
Jim:
The telly’s going for a burton.
Twiggy:
Here you go lads. (HANDS IT TO ANTONY AND DARREN).
Jim:
Ladies and gentlemen, I’d just like to say how lucky we are that our Antony’s been able to get a few hours off work today -oh, I’ve just remembered, Barb, he’s not working, is he. Anyway, Antony, you’ve come of age, so you can have your first legal drop of ale, eh, young man. Anyway, he’s not a bad lad really so…I’d like to propose a toast: to Antony James Royle – my son and heir to the whole of this estate. Happy eighteenth birthday, Lurchio.
Denise/Dave/Barbara/Jim/Twiggy:
Waaaay! Speech Antony.
Antony:
What?
Barbara:
Say something.
Antony:
I haven’t got owt to say really.
Jim:
Well, I’d like to say a nice big thank you to Emma for putting to one side all our doubts about our Antony being a sausage jockey.
Barbara:
Oooh, Jim. Oh Mary, in’t he awful? Ignore him, Emma. Happy birthday, Antony.
Denise/Jim/All:
Happy birthday, Antony.
Dave:
Waaay! (SINGS, EVERYONE JOINS IN) For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us.
All:
Speech.
Denise:
Go on, Antony – say something.
Antony:
I told you, I’ve got nowt to say.
Denise:
He’s a right gawp.
Dave:
Come on, you’ve got to say something.
Antony:
I’d just like to say thanks to everyone for coming. Er…thanks.
Jim:
Did you help him to write that speech, Darren?
Darren:
No.
Mary:
Do you remember, Antony, when you were a little boy and you used to come in wanting ten p from me? And then you used to do the ‘Birdy Song’ for me and Joe?
EVERYONE LAUGHS AND STARTS DOING THE ‘BIRDY SONG’. THEN, JIM PLAYS ONE SONG ON THE BANJO.
Jim:
Now in the family,
we have an heirloom,
handed down to me some years ago,
it may be half a century since Grandad was a lad,
I’ll tell you what it is
and then you’ll know.
Well, it’s my grandad’s flannelette nightie,
and I was christened one day,
at the church they were in a whirl,
‘cos no one seemed to know
if I’m a boy or a girl,
because they’d had one or two
and they were in a mess, that’s all
they’d tell the preacher.
He said, ‘I even had a quiz,
to find out what he is,
by his Grandad’s flannelette shirt.’
Everyone at the end:
‘Waaaay’.
JOE, FROM HIS SEAT AT THE TABLE, NEXT TO THE BUFFET, STARTS SINGING. THE CAMERA PANS THE ROOM THROUGHOUT.
Joe:
I’ll take you home again Kathleen,
Across the ocean wild and wide…
Nana:
(OVER THE SINGING, HOLDS HANDS UP TO SILENCE EVERYONE, EYES SHUT) Oooh, I love this one…
Joe:
To where your heart has ever been
Since first you were my bonny bride.
The roses all have left your cheek,
I’ve watched them fade away and die,
Your voice is sad when e’er you speak,
And tears bedim your loving eyes.
(REFRAIN):
Oh! I will take you back, Kathleen,
To where your heart will feel no pain.
And when the fields are fresh and green,
I’ll take you to your home again.
I know you love me, Kathleen dear,
Your heart is ever fond and true.
I always feel when you are near,
That life holds nothing dear, but you.
The smiles that once you gave to me,
I scarcely ever see them now
Though many, many times I see
A dark’ning shadow on your brow.
(REFRAIN)
Nana:
(CRYING) Your dad used to sing this…
Joe:
To that dear home beyond the sea,
My Kathleen shall again return.
And when thy old friends welcome thee,
Thy loving heart will cease to yearn
Where laughs the little silver stream,
Beside your mother’s humble cot
And brightest rays of sunshine gleam
There all your grief will be forgot.
(REFRAIN)
SLIGHT PAUSE AT THE END OF THE SONG.
Darren:
I can still smell shit in here.
END OF EPISODE SIX.
Episode 7
The Royle Family at Christmas
CAMERA PULLS OUT FROM DANCING MEDIEVAL MINSTRELS ON NOEL’S CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. IT PANS ROUND TO JIM, SPORTING PAPER HAT (CROWN), CHRISTMAS CARDIGAN AND A LOOK OF DISDAIN.
MOVE TO NANA – WHO’S ASLEEP (WITH HAT) – THEN DAVE AND ANTONY WHO ARE BOTH WATCHING TELLY.
SILENCE FOR THE WHOLE PAN ROUND.
CAMERA GOES TO KITCHEN WHERE BARBARA (COMPLETE WITH PAPER HAT) IS ELBOW-DEEP IN WASHING-UP. A BIG TURKEY CARCASS SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KITCHEN TABLE.
JIM, BARBARA AND NANA WEAR THEIR CHRISTMAS PAPER HATS THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE EPISODE.
THE PHONE (IN THE KITCHEN) GOES.
Barbara:
Hello. Aah. Hiya, love. How are you feeling, Denise? Aah. Aah. Oh…well, your nana’s asleep, your dad’s being miserable and Antony and Dave are watching Noel Edmonds. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. So are you feeling better then? Aah, yeah…. Yeah. Are you coming down then?
CUT TO BEDROOM WHERE DENISE IS LYING ON THE BED, ON A MOBILE PHONE. WE ONLY SEE HER HEAD AND SHOULDERS.
Denise:
Yeah, I think I will. Hey, in’t it great Dave got me this mobile phone?
Barbara:
Yeah. Aah. Should I come up and get ya?
Denise:
No, I’ll be all right. Bye.
CAMERA PANS OUT, REVEALING DENISE’S BUM. WITH GREAT EFFORT SHE GETS OFF THE BED.
BARBARA GOES INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
Barbara:
Hey, Dave, it’s great that mobile you’ve bought for our Denise. It’s dead handy. She’s just phoned me from upstairs.
Dave:
That’s supposed to be for emergencies, when the baby’s born. Bloody ‘ell, they’re not cheap them.
Jim:
How much are they, Dave?
Dave:
Forty notes.
Jim:
Bloody ‘ell.
DENISE WALKS IN AND SITS DOWN.
Dave:
Y’all right.
Denise:
Yeah.
Dave:
Had a nice sleep?
Denise:
Yeah. Hey, Dave, I really love that mobile what you got me.
Dave:
Hey, you’re not supposed to be using it though, not from upstairs.
Denise:
I’ve only rang me mam on it!
Jim:
I bet you t
hem calls are not cheap either.
NANA WAKES UP.
Nana:
Ooh, that Advocaat – it doesn’t half make me sleepy, Barbara.
Jim:
Does it? Would you like another one, Norma?
Barbara:
Oh, ey Antony, what time are you going to Emma’s?
Antony:
Well her mam said five for five-thirty, so I think that means about quarter-past.
Barbara:
Ooh, ooh Antony, in’t it funny you having to have two Christmas dinners.
Antony:
Yeah s’all right really – well they’re all vegetarians, so they’re having a nut roast.
Jim:
The tight gets. All that money and they won’t fork out for a bit of turkey.
Nana:
I can’t believe they’re having their Christmas dinner at night. Lay heavy on ‘em, won’t it.
Barbara:
Yeah. Will you be staying late, Antony?
Antony:
Yeah. Well, after they’ve had their dinner they always play charades, y’know, and parlour games ‘n’ that.
THEY ALL KILL THEMSELVES LAUGHING.
Jim:
Parlour games!
Denise:
Is their telly broke?
EVERYONE LAUGHS.
Jim:
Parlour games my arse. Ey, tell you what you’d be good at, that’s if they play it – hunt the Giro.
Barbara:
Well I think they’re right. We could do that – play some sort of a game. Ey Denise, do you remember that Christmas when we tried to play Rummy and your nana had two kings in her handbag.
Nana:
I didn’t know they were there, Barbara – but they did come in handy for that Royal Flush and I won £13 off Jim that night.
Barbara:
Oh yes. Ey Jim, wasn’t that the Christmas you didn’t sleep?
Jim:
Anyway, what do you want to go round there for, for all that bloody shite, when you could be here with us watching the bloody box? Parlour games my arse – they want to get out a bit more that lot.
Dave:
What time are we going to my mam and dad’s, Denise.
Denise:
I don’t really want to go Dave, why don’t you go on your own?
Dave:
Denise, me mam’s doing a turkey buffet. There’s only me and you going. If we don’t turn up it’ll only be me mam and dad – and me dad goes to bed early.
Denise:
I don’t really fancy it Dave. I feel a bit funny.
Jim:
This is the one day of the year we all get together to watch the bloody television and look at the shite they put on. Well that’s going for a burton. (JIM FLICKS THE REMOTE)
Nana:
Oh, get off, Jim. I liked him, Noel Crinkly Bottom. You do whatever you like, you don’t care about your family.
Jim:
Oh, Crinkly Bottom my arse.
PAUSE.
Barbara:
Did you like that turkey, Jim?
Jim:
A little bit dry, weren’t it, Barb?
Barbara:
Did you, Mam?
Nana:
I’ve never liked turkey, Barbara.
Barbara:
Did you like it, Dave?
Dave:
I could take it or leave it me, Barbara.
Barbara:
Did you like it, Denise?
Denise:
No, I didn’t like it, there’s no flavour.
Barbara:
How about you, Antony?
Antony:
I’m not bothered really, you know.
Barbara:
Oh, I don’t think I’ll bother with getting a turkey next Christmas.
EVERYONE LOOKS HORRIFIED.
Jim:
Why, what’s the matter?
Dave:
Barbara!
Denise:
Mam! You’ve got to have a turkey at Christmas.
Jim:
Bloody ‘ell, Barb, don’t be such a bloody killjoy.
Barbara:
Well, you all made me get a Christmas pudding but none of you’ve had any. Ooh, I wonder how Cheryl’s got on. Mary’s had to cook her a Weight Watchers Christmas dinner – y’know, low fat ‘n’ that.
Denise:
Ah, has she?
Barbara:
Yeah. Ooh. Mary said Cheryl’s met a lovely new friend at Weight Watchers.
Denise:
Has she?
Barbara:
Yeah. A big fat girl from Hyde.
Denise:
Aaah.
Jim:
Oh, I like the sound of that, the big bride from Hyde.
Barbara:
Let’s all have a snowball? Don’t snowballs make you feel Christmassy, ey?
Jim:
Snowballs my arse. It’s a bloody swizz this Christmas lark.
BARBARA MAKES THE SNOWBALLS ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE.
Nana:
Denise, Denise, Denise, Denise. You know that book you bought for Cheryl, what’s it about?
Denise:
Oh, Feng Shui, Nana.
Nana:
What’s Feng Dooey?
Denise:
Well, it’s where you move everything round in your house, you know, to bring you happiness.
Nana:
Oh.
Jim:
I’d only have to move one thing in this house to make me happy.
Denise:
Ey Nana, d’you know what Cheryl got me?
Nana:
What?
Denise:
A birthing tape.
Nana:
What tape?
Denise:
Well, she’s put all me favourite songs on one tape, ‘cause it said in the baby book, you know to relax you – y’know for when you’re birthing.
Nana:
She’s a right big girl, is Cheryl, isn’t she?
BARBARA RETURNS WITH FIVE SNOWBALLS AND HANDS THEM ALL OUT.
Barbara:
Antony.
Antony:
Cheers, Mam.
Barbara:
Dave.
Dave:
Thanks, Barbara.
Barbara:
Here y’a.
Denise:
Ta.
Barbara:
Jim.
Jim:
Ta, Barb.
Barbara:
Here, Mam.
Nana:
Ta, love. These always remind me of your dad, Barbara.
Jim:
Here we go again.
Nana:
He always used to make me a snowball. I always miss him more at Christmas you know – I don’t know why.
Barbara:
Aaah, Mam. Anyway Happy Christmas everybody.
THEY ALL CLINK GLASSES.
Denise:
Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas.
Barbara:
Happy Christmas!
NANA DRINKS HER SNOWBALL DOWN IN ONE.
Jim:
Bloody ‘ell.
Barbara:
Denise?
Denise:
Yeah.
Barbara:
Have you decided yet what you’re going to do for the millennium?
Denise:
Well, we talked about it for ages, didn’t we Dave?
Dave:
Umm.
Denise:
In the end we decided we’d just come round here, really.
Barbara:
Ah.
Dave:
Um. Round here.
Barbara:
Ah.
Denise:
You still doing a buffet?
Barbara:
Oh yeah. We’ve invited Mary and Joe and Cheryl.
Jim:
Bloody ‘ell. I hope you haven’t invited Cheryl’s bloody mate. There’ll be no buffet left f
or us, if she gets at it. The big fat, lazy heifer.
Barbara:
Mary’s really looking forward to it, Joe’s not really bothered. She said he can’t get excited about the millennium.
Jim:
Bloody ‘ell, that’s a surprise, isn’t it. Millennium my arse. It’s just another bloody swizz they’ve come up with to bloody rip me off, isn’t it. Well I’m gonna treat it like any other New Year’s Eve me. That’s it. I’m gonna get totally bladdered and I’m doing nothing else, that’s it, I’m doing nothing else. They can take it or leave it.
Denise:
Who can, Dad?
Jim:
Tony bloody Blair – and his show who’ve bloody organized it. It’s all a bloody con to get more money out of me.
Nana:
I’m stopping over on millennium night, aren’t I, Barbara?
Barbara:
Yeah.
Nana:
I wouldn’t want to miss it.
Barbara:
No.
Jim:
Why, what was the last one like, Norma?
Denise:
Aah, it just kicked. D’you want a little feel, Dave?
Dave:
Nah, you’re all right.
DENISE LOOKS HURT.
Barbara:
Oh. Could anyone eat a sandwich?
Dave:
What’s on it, Barbara?
Barbara:
Well…turkey…
Dave:
No thanks.
Barbara:
The stuffing was a recipe from This Morning you know, Denise.
Denise:
Oh.
Barbara:
Mind you, I haven’t got all the ingredients so I just mixed it with a bit of Paxo.
Denise:
Oh.
Barbara:
Ooh, you work so hard on that Christmas dinner, you’re planning it for weeks – before you know it, it’s all been eaten. What a waste.
Denise:
Yeah. Have you finished the washing-up?
Barbara:
No. Well I thought if your nana’s not gonna be here tonight, I’d do it then.
Denise:
Yeah.
Barbara:
The kitchen’s like Beirut, Denise.
Denise:
Is it?
Barbara:
Yeah.
Denise:
Ey Nana, what time d’you have to be at Elsie’s?
Nana:
Oh well, I don’t want to be late, Denise. Elsie goes to bed early you know with being housebound. It’s the first time her daughter’s ever left her at Christmas. South Africa they’re going to. Cape Town. She’s practically had everything out of Marks and Spencer, you know, for outfits for Cape Town.
Barbara:
A lot of people are doing that now – going away for Christmas. I couldn’t do it.
Jim:
Well I bloody could. It’s a complete bloody racket now Christmas, isn’t it. It’s a swizz, the bloody lot of it.
Barbara:
Mam?
Nana:
Umm?
Barbara:
What did you get for Elsie in the end?
The Royle Family: The Scripts: Series 2 Page 10
