A meeting that was set up on Monday morning is canceled. I decide to drive to the studio. Susan invites me in with a smile and hugs me.
“How are you?” she asks, and I know what she means.
“Good, thank you,” I say tightly. I don’t want to talk to her about anything. I’m not here for some hippie love advice.
“Is my dad here?” I ask.
She nods. “He’s in the storage room, sorting through some new pieces we just got in and putting them into the system.”
I nod and thank her. I make my way to the storage room and knock on the half open door before stepping into the room. My dad looks up at me from a clipboard, and he looks happy to see me.
“Come on in,” he says and removes a file from a stool, pushing it toward me. “Sit down. I’m just tagging this stuff.”
I nod and sit down. For a while, I watch him go through his little system, processing the paintings. They’re a little abstract for my taste, but the room is filled with works that have emotions on canvas, and it’s not a bad place to be in. I feel a little out of place in my suit pants and collared shirt and tie.
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” my dad finally says, putting his clipboard down and picking up a painting to study it closer.
“A meeting was canceled, and they have it covered at the office. I thought I’d drop by.”
“Very nice,” my dad says, still looking at the painting, and I’m not sure if he’s talking about my visit or the art.
“I want to talk to you about Dana.” There’s no reason to make small talk. I don’t have that much time, and I feel like making small talk will only postpone the inevitable hostility.
My dad glances at me.
“What about your sister?” he asks. I know he’s saying it like that on purpose.
“Stepsister, Dad. And we’re not related. That’s what I want to talk to you about. We’re thinking about going public. We were actually considering it this Friday.”
My dad looks at me, the painting finally forgotten.
“And why didn’t you?” he asks.
I shrug. “It’s not always that easy to swim against the current.”
He sighs. “Well, that’s true.”
A moment of silence hangs between us, and I wait for him to fill it. Eventually, he does.
“You know I’m not going to be okay with it. I’m not going to tell you it’s okay with me if you’re with her. It’s taboo, for God’s sake, and for a reason.”
I shake my head. “I’m not here to ask your blessing or anything. I just thought you had a right to know, to hear it from me, instead of on the news when it does come out.”
My dad frowns at me. “You’re serious about this?”
I nod. “Didn’t you think I was?”
He shakes his head. “We all have fantasies. We all enjoy the idea of something dangerous. But these things pass. It’s a phase.”
“Dana is not a phase,” I say.
My dad sighs. “So, you’re serious about her, huh?”
I nod. I don’t have to hide it, I’m sure he can tell that I’m serious enough if I’m here to talk to him about it. My dad pulls up another stool and sits down. We’re both balanced on stools that are too small for our bodies, one leg on the floor, one leg hitched on the bar between the legs, facing each other.
“So, you’re going to do this, no matter what I say.”
I nod again.
“Then tell me how you feel about her. Tell me what it is about her that makes you want to risk your reputation and all the relationships in your life. Because not everyone is going to be okay with it.”
I take a deep breath.
“I can’t tell you everything about her that makes me happy. There’s too much for that. But you know her. You know how she can make even the small things come to life through her excitement. She’s creative and kind and gentle, and she reaches out to people just because. She has her flaws, but they pale in comparison to all the good things I can name about her.”
My dad nods, slowly.
“Do you love her?” he asks.
I hesitate. Love is a strong word, and the label is quite permanent.
“I love her in a lot of ways,” I say. “After all, we’ve lived in the same house for years. But I think I’m in love with her, too. It’s not just platonic. It’s never been. It’s more than that, and it keeps growing.”
My dad scrutinizes my face, his eyes searching mine for a clue, an answer, something. I’m not sure what he’s hoping to find.
“Look, I can’t say I’m happy about it. It still makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think it’s natural.”
I open my mouth to say something, but he holds up his hand.
“I know you’re going to tell me you’re not related, and you’re right. You’re not. In theory, there’s nothing wrong with it. You deserve to be happy, and love is rare so I’m not going to give you hell about it. I just can’t wrap my head around it right away, okay?”
I nod. It’s fair enough. I’m being honest with him, and he’s being honest with me in return. My dad and I have always had a relationship based on mutual respect. It’s what happens when you must face the world together for as long as we did before Susan and Dana appeared in our lives.
“Do you want coffee?” my dad asks, climbing from his stool.
I nod and follow him out into the studio. Susan is busy with a customer, discussing paintings. We walk to the small kitchen they’ve set up, and my dad puts on a pot of coffee. He leans his hip against the counter and folds his arms over his chest while we wait.
“Going public is a big deal,” my dad says. “You said it’s hard swimming against the stream. What happened?”
“It was a small problem with her job, actually. But I’m glad we’re waiting. I want to go public with her. I want her to know how serious I am, despite everyone’s reservations, but I don’t know exactly where we stand. Even though I know she won’t just ditch me, I feel like I’m jumping with my eyes closed, and I don’t know how deep the water is. If that makes sense.”
My dad nods. “I understand what you’re saying. Maybe you should wait until you know how you feel about her before you take such a big step. The pressures of going public is more than enough already even when you have a stable foundation.”
I shake my head. “I know how I feel about her. I’m not a hundred percent sure how she feels about me. I mean, we’ve mentioned that we’re happy to be together and that we both want to go public, but a part of me still has question marks about what she really thinks about it all.”
The coffee finishes brewing, and my dad pours us two mugs. The smell curls around me. My dad adds sugar and cream to both cups and hands me mine. I blow on it for a bit before I take a scalding sip.
“Believe it or not, that is both the easiest and the hardest part of a relationship,” my dad says. “Communication.” I notice the word “relationship” and I realize there is a lot that hasn’t been said yet. “You need to tell her how you feel. Put it into so many words, and label it. Be open with her and ask her to be open with you. You’ll never be able to avoid misunderstandings completely, but a good way to start is to talk.”
I nod, looking at my coffee. I understand what he’s saying. It makes sense. I need to talk to her if I want to know what’s going on and where we’re headed. The idea of talking to her is terrifying, though, and I realize what my dad is trying to say. If I can’t talk to her about how I feel and I can’t ask her how she feels, then I shouldn’t be thinking about going public, anyway.
I haven’t told her that I’m in love with her. That I love her, romantically.
I don’t know if I can, either. Our conversation about going public is a very sure sign that we’re more than just fuck buddies, but going all the way, talking about love and dating, seems like a mountain before me. I guess it’s always hard to put yourself out there and to risk getting hurt.
Because that’s what I’m scared of. Getting hurt.
An
d getting burned by Dana won’t be the same as getting burned by Liz all those years ago. I won’t be able to get away from Dana because she’s family, and I will see her every Christmas, New Years, and Thanksgiving for the rest of my life. If we part badly, it won’t only be our relationship that will be screwed, but our family life, too. And our mutual friendships.
Everything that we’ve shared until now, even if it wasn’t born from romance, will be fucked.
I take a deep breath and sip more of my coffee.
“Being in love is hard,” my dad says.
I glance at him and chuckle. “You and Susan have been happily married for how many years now?” I ask.
My dad shakes his head. “I know. We’re happy. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t have our difficulties. A relationship is never easy, no matter how right you are for each other. It makes it easier, of course, which is why you must be sure she’s the right person for you. But just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I say.
“And just because it’s easy, doesn’t mean it’s right, either.”
I nod. It’s sage advice. And my dad is being strangely open-minded about it. I didn’t think it would be this painless to talk to him. I half expected a fight.
“Just do me a favor, okay?” my dad asks.
I look at him. He looks around the little kitchen, looking a little uncomfortable.
“Don’t kiss her in front of me or anything. Seriously.”
I laugh and nod. That is something I can agree to. After the conversation went as well as it did, it’s a small price to pay.
When I leave, I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders, and I can go back to the office with one less thing to stress about.
Dana
I’m nervous. Today is my first day, and I feel like I’m all over the place. I get up too early to get ready, have breakfast, and leave almost too late because I’m stressing and forget to check the time. When I finally get to the building, I can’t find a parking space close to the door so I must search for one far away and walk almost a block’s length to get to the office.
When I finally arrive and announce myself at reception, I hear that Julia isn’t in the office. She already left to see a client.
Great. The first day of any job is always chaotic for me, even more so than the interview process. But I console myself by thinking that the first day is the worst, and things can only get better from there.
I’m asked to wait in the lobby while another HR rep is called. I sit with my handbag on my lap, finally calming down when a blonde a woman approaches me.
She’s striking in a way that makes me take notice. She’s not beautiful, per se, but she has something about her. The way she carries herself, the way she uses her face when she speaks, that makes her attractive. She wears minimal makeup, less than I have on, but she makes it look like she’s only wearing it because she’s a woman and it’s expected of her in the workplace. Her body is trim, like she works out a lot, and she swings her hips like men might be watching.
“Dana, right?” she asks.
I stand up and extend my hand. She looks at it like I’m being strange. I drop my hand slowly, trying not to feel rejected. I dislike her immediately.
“I’m Bianca.”
As in Keagan’s fling? I want to ask, but of course, I don’t. I look at her again. I can’t imagine there are many Bianca’s in Golden Image’s HR division.
“Come with me,” she says and turns around, walking away. I get up and hurry after her.
“You’re supposed to shadow me for a while until Julia gets back to finalize your contract. I have calls to make so you can sit in my office.”
I nod. She glances over her shoulder at me, and I can’t decipher her look. She’s not the kind of woman I’ll be friends with. I wonder what Keagan saw in her. She is attractive, sure, and I can imagine some men go crazy over her body. She’s a bitch though, but Keagan did say she’d been just a fling.
In her office, I sit down in a chair and watch Bianca go about her business, making calls. She’s cold on the phone when it’s a woman on the other side of the line, flirtatious when it’s a man. She chooses her moods and the faces she wants to show carefully. I’m relieved Keagan suggested we wait with going public. Bianca would have made this first day hell for me.
The whole morning wastes away with me sitting in Bianca’s office while she does menial work. Finally, just before lunch, she gets a call that frees me.
“Right, I’ll send her,” she says into the phone.
“Boss wants to see you,” she says.
“Julia?”
Bianca laughs like I’m being ridiculous. “Julia’s far from your boss,” she says. She flips her blonde hair over her shoulder.
“Lisa will tell you where to go,” she says when I don’t make a move to leave.
I nod and leave the office without thanking her for anything. She did nothing but tolerate me in her personal space.
I walk to the reception desk, get directions to Lisa’s desk, and finally meet the secretary who shows me where my boss’s office is.
“How are you enjoying your day so far?” Lisa asks while we walk.
“It’s a bit overwhelming,” I say. Nothing enjoyable has happened yet.
Lisa smiles at me. “I’m sure you’ll feel differently when you meet Elizabeth. She’s great to work for, and she really puts effort into her employees.”
I nod. I hope so.
“Once you get your contract sorted you’ll be put on a project, and then everything will be a lot more fun.”
I smile at Lisa when she drops me off in front of Elizabeth’s door, and I thank her. I take a deep breath and knock on the door.
“Come in,” a gentle voice calls, and I open the door.
She’s facing away from the door, her chair swiveled so I only see the back of it.
“You asked to see me,” I say.
The chair swivels around, and I recognize the face immediately.
“Liz?” I ask.
“Dana,” she says, looking as surprised as I feel. She looks down at her file. “I saw your name, but I didn’t put two and two together. What a coincidence.”
She laughs lightly. I blink at her, struggling to swallow down my heart which is beating in my throat now.
Elizabeth, my new boss, is none other than Liz, the woman that ripped Keagan’s heart out after she’d dated him for three years. He hadn’t dated since, because of her.
“Sit down, please,” she says, a smile firmly in place.
It doesn’t reach her eyes, but it never did. I sit down, hesitantly. I eye Liz. Nothing about her has changed. I haven’t seen her many times. I’d gone to college by the time she was with Keagan, and he didn’t bring her along to family events often. But she has a confidence about her that comes with being told for years and years that you are better than others. Her smile isn’t genuine, her hair is a bottle blonde, no matter how professionally done, and her makeup is immaculate.
I swallowed. It was hard not to be intimidated by a woman like this. Especially after she dated Keagan, and she is his idea of a serious relationship. I hope to God that he doesn’t compare me to her when we’re doing everything.
“How is your brother?” she asks.
My ears start ringing. I can’t sit across from the woman that hurt him and smile, pretending everything is fine. I shake my head.
“I’m sorry, Liz,” I say. “I can’t do this.”
She frowns. “What?”
“I can’t work for you.”
She blinks at me. Her frown fades, and her face is unreadable. She’s always had a perfect poker face, and it’s unnerving.
“You’re quitting before you’ve even started.” It’s not a question.
I nod. “I know how Keagan feels about you. I’m not going to betray him like that.”
She laughs, a pleasant sound if it weren’t for the bitch it was coming from.
“Don’t
be petty, Dana,” she says. “This is a good job with a lot of money. You’ll just throw it away?”
I nod and stand up.
“I’m sorry,” I say again and leave her office without saying anything else.
I walk through the building, head held high, until I’m in the street before I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. My heart hammers against my ribs, and I have a lump in my throat, although I can’t tell why I want to cry. Seeing not one, but two of Keagan’s exes in one day, in one office, makes me feel like throwing up.
I have to get out of here.
I walk to my car. When I’m behind the wheel, I dial my mom on the Bluetooth system. The phone rings for so long, I’m sure I’ll be pushed over to voicemail, but then she answers and her voice is pleasant and welcome.
“I just quit my job,” I say without saying hello.
“What? Honey, why?”
“Liz was my boss. Liz, Mom. That woman.”
I can’t find the words. I’m upset and angry, and I don’t know why I feel as strongly as I do.
“Oh, sweetie.” My mom can’t even find the words. After a moment of silence from both of us, she speaks again.
“Are you going home?”
I nod, remember she can’t see me and answer. “Yes.”
“I’ll be there in half an hour.”
“What about the studio?”
“Chris can manage.”
We end the conversation, and a part of me relaxes because my mom is on her way. No matter how old I get, when I can cry on my mom’s shoulder, things start to feel better. She comes when I need her, and I’m grateful that I have someone on my side, the way I have her.
I drive home. I have a sinking feeling in my gut. The more I think about what I just did, the sicker I feel. It was a great job, and it was a good salary. I could have moved back into my own place and stopped being a burden. But I can’t work for Liz. I hate her. She hurt Keagan so much. And I can’t stand Bianca, even though I only spent one morning with her.
Am I being stupid for running away, or am I doing the right thing?
When I get back home, I get changed into something more comfortable. I pull back my hair into a ponytail and wash my face, getting rid of the makeup I put on for the day.
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