by D. L. Kramer
Bear raised an eyebrow at him. "You realize your sword probably weighs more than Valry," he pointed out.
Nahtan considered it for a moment, then shrugged. "I wouldn't know, I've never held a baby," he finally answered.
"She's about a year and a half old," Bear continued, his voice thoughtful.
"I know," Nahtan sighed. He didn't let himself think of Rena very much, fearing how much he missed her would cause oversights in his planning. Even though he had no idea what Valry looked like, he hoped she had inherited her mother's blue eyes. "I still feel bad for not being there with her." He had no doubt that Rena would forgive him, but he couldn't help but wonder if he could forgive himself.
Bear cleared his throat. "It would have been really interesting to see Halona come in and drag you out of the stronghold to start this," he mentioned. "Maybe you should have tried staying behind."
"I don't think it was an option," Nahtan agreed. "Except I don't think Halona would have put in a personal appearance. That's what she has Mo'ani for."
Bear winced. "And he has the captain," he added. "Maybe it's a good thing we left when we did."
Nahtan chuckled and silence fell over them, broken only by the chirping of nearby crickets. "I was glad to see you leave Tiimu behind," Nahtan said after several moments. "His back legs were getting too weak."
"I probably shouldn't have even brought him with," Bear said. "I just--didn't want to leave anyone I cared about behind." Bear's voice nearly broke on the last word and he turned away from Nahtan.
Nahtan reached over and put a hand on his shoulder, not talking while his friend struggled with his emotions.
"I can't help but question what we're doing," Bear continued after a minute, his voice surprisingly steady as he turned back to look at Nahtan. "If Jensina was really there at the battle in the garrison--why did so many people have to die?"
Nahtan met his friend's eyes. He remembered losing those close to him, though he still had no memory of any family. Even the old priest in the temple had known he had witnessed the death of a world. Those who had lost their lives in the battle at the garrison, and every battle since, died knowing Zakris or one of his daughters would welcome them. It was a knowledge Nahtan found himself envying them. Although Halona had created a place for him among the mortals, the gods who created his spirit were still long gone. There was no other place for him to go when this body of his died.
"They died because they aren't gods," Nahtan answered after a moment. "They're still around, you just can't see them."
"Why can't I feel them then?" Bear asked. "Anyone can feel the Wardsman's spirit, just like anyone can feel Kutci's. Are our spirits so different from yours?"
"No, I don't think so," Nahtan answered slowly. He knew there were differences, but not many. "I think the reason why is because we had no place to go when we died. Your mother and Ke both had a goddess to go to." He paused, realizing Bear should probably be talking to Yenene about this instead of him. "You said you could feel Jensina's presence in the temple," he reminded. "Maybe her spirit is so strong, it overwhelms the other ones around her."
Bear shook his head, looking out into the bright night. "I don't know," he admitted. "My father says living through this makes you stronger, but I just don't know."
Nahtan bowed his head for a moment. He knew he was one of the few people who realized how deeply Bear's emotions ran. He also knew he was the only one Bear would let witness his doubts. He cursed to himself. He was starting to dread anything that had to do with that word. He wished there was some way he could erase the symbol from his back and choose another.
"Kutci hated me," he said after a moment. "Because I couldn't feel any remorse for what we did on the battlefields. Others were afraid of me for the same reason." Nahtan swallowed. "I can't miss Ke the same way you and your father will, but knowing he died because he believed in me makes it impossible to just shrug it off." His voice remained steady. "Not a day has gone by that I don't wish I'd looked in his direction during the fight with the honor guard. Maybe if I had, I would have seen the guard aiming for him and been able to stop him."
Bear sighed. "I keep thinking the same thing," he admitted. "I had a loaded crossbow right there beside me, I could have hit any one of those honor guards with a shot from it."
"I guess that's why I have to believe Yenene when she tells me what she saw there in the temple," Nahtan continued. "Ke died--not so much because he was supposed to--but maybe because his death let someone else live who has something more to finish."
"Maybe," Bear agreed after a moment, his tone easing somewhat. "Maybe if he hadn't shot Ke, he would have shot you."
Nahtan gave his friend a sideways look. "That's all I need to think about now, thank you."
Bear shrugged. "A friend's got to be good for something."
"I don't think guilt counts," Nahtan returned. Bear had opened up to him all he could for the time being. If nothing else, it had reaffirmed their friendship, and let his friend ease some of the weight on his shoulders.
When the wounded were able to move, the combined armies set out for Devayne Hold. Nahtan was surprised to discover their number was still close to a thousand.
They reached Devayne Hold a few days later. Yenene hurried among the wounded, making sure the staff at Devayne Hold knew who needed to be watched closely, and who was recovering well. Tamnor offered them lodgings for a brief rest, but Nahtan declined, anxious to get to Herridon and finish what Mo'ani, Lord Bavol and Jerai had begun there.
They were able to nearly refill their travel stores, and a brief side trip to Takis Hold replaced any worn weapons and armor. Brijade continued on with them, ignoring Lord Devayne's request that she stay behind.
The mountains protecting the stronghold came into view almost two weeks later and grew closer as each day passed. Almost a week later, one of the Mo'ani riding watch warned them someone was coming, then clarified it was a Mo'ani. Nahtan, Bear and Adie rode out to meet the rider and Nahtan was surprised to see it was Aralt.
"Well met," Aralt called, pulling his horse to a stop several yards away.
"Are we?" Nahtan returned, relieved, but suspicious. "I thought you'd be at Herridon."
Aralt nudged his horse closer. "The others are," he replied. "I've been waiting out here for three and a half months to give you a message." The growth of his beard proved how long he'd been waiting.
A sudden sick feeling fell over Nahtan and he knew Aralt's news wasn't good.
"What's happened?" he asked. He had to force the words out, not wanting to hear the answer.
Aralt met his eyes. "Your wife died shortly after childbirth," he said quietly. "Your daughter is fine, your sister has been raising her."
"No," Nahtan shook his head as his stomach knotted itself. His hands clenched the reins tightly. "Not Rena--" He felt Bear's hand on his arm. He swallowed, not wanting to believe it. His eyes burned but he refused to let the tears come. Perhaps if they didn't, it wouldn't be true. He was glad Bear was there, if anyone would understand the sudden confusion, it was him.
"What does Mo'ani want us to do?" Bear asked Aralt.
"He wanted you and Nahtan to head up to the stronghold. Lady Adiella is to take the army to rendezvous with them at Herridon."
Bear nodded as Nahtan struggled to straighten out his thoughts. His mind was suddenly unable to focus and he wasn't sure if he could even find the way back to the stronghold. He felt ill, and closed his eyes until his stomach settled.
"We'll head up now," he finally managed, opening his eyes after a moment. He had to get back and find out what had happened. Leisl would be able to tell him. Sensing his urgency, Tyran stepped forward and Nahtan had to consciously stop him to wait for Bear and Chase.
"Here," Adie handed Bear her two waterskins and a small pack. "There should be enough travel rations in there to put with yours and get you through without needing to stop."
Bear accepted the waterskins and pack. "We'll see you at Herridon," he said.
Nahtan nodded, his hands gripping the reins even tighter. He felt the sudden urge to both scream and cry and fought it off.
He and Bear set off at a gallop and kept up the fast pace through the mountain passes. The fear and pain inside kept Nahtan from sleeping and he found himself pacing anxiously whenever they had to stop to rest the horses. More than once, he found himself wishing for Ayita and her incredible stamina.
They reached the stronghold late on the third day. The Mo'ani standing watch saw them coming and opened the gates for them. Inside, Nahtan dropped from his saddle and broke into a run for the keep while Bear took Tyran and Chase to the stable.
The keep was silent as Nahtan pushed open the doors and stopped just inside. He forced himself to think where Leisl's room was, trying to remember the layout of the keep. Finally, he turned down one of the halls, his exhaustion forcing him to walk to the door.
He knocked and leaned against the wall, trying to catch his breath. He was about to knock again when Leisl opened the door.
"Nahtan," she said his name, her voice both surprised and relieved.
"What happened?" he asked, his voice trembling. "Tell me Aralt's lying."
Leisl watched him for a moment, her eyes filling with tears. "I wish I could," she said. "Please, come sit down." She held out her hand to him.
Nahtan took her hand without thinking and let her lead him into the room. He ignored the chair she offered and stood facing her, waiting for her to tell him about Rena.
Leisl sighed and sat in the other chair. "Rena was very weak towards the end," she said. "She lost too much blood having the baby and just wasn't strong enough to recover. She died the next morning."
Nahtan shook his head. "She can't be gone," he insisted. "She can't--" The tears he had held back for three days surfaced and ran down his cheeks. He turned away from Leisl, trying to sort out his thoughts. He didn't move when Leisl touched his shoulders.
"I'm so sorry," she said, walking around in front of him and putting her arms around him.
Nahtan put his arms around her and held her until he could force the tears to stop. The voice in his head reminded him there were still things to do; there would be time for grieving later. With a silent curse, he pushed it from his mind. He had allowed anyone else the time to grieve their lost family and friends, he would take that time for himself.
"I--can't think," he finally said, pulling away from her. "The battle at Devayne Field--and then Aralt telling us what happened when we met him--"
"You need to rest," Leisl said, looking up at him. "But come here for a moment." She took his arm and led him to the closed door behind them. Opening it silently, she stepped out of the way.
Lying in the bed, Nahtan could see the dark hair and tiny body of his daughter. She lay with a rag doll under one arm, her face turned away from him.
"I can wake her," Leisl offered. "She's wanted to meet you for a long time."
"Maybe tomorrow," Nahtan said, pulling the door closed. His mind was a whirlwind and he couldn't trust himself to keep control with Valry. "I'd probably scare her right now anyway."
"You do look a little rough," Leisl agreed, smiling sadly. "Her name is Valry. Before Rena died, she asked what our mother's name was. She was the one who named her."
Nahtan nodded, glad Rena was able to at least see their daughter. New feelings of guilt surged through him and he added them to everything else.
"Where is she buried?" he asked quietly.
"It's back in the forest a ways," Leisl answered. "I probably couldn't find it in the dark but I'll take you out in the morning."
Nahtan swallowed, struggling to control his emotions again. "I need to see it," he managed after a moment.
Leisl nodded her head. "We can leave as soon as it's light," she promised him.
Nahtan nodded, not wanting to wait, but understanding. He startled when someone knocked on the door. Leisl stepped past him to open it, letting Bear in.
"How are you doing?" Bear asked Nahtan.
"I'll manage," Nahtan answered numbly. "I still can't think. I should probably try to get some rest."
"Probably?" Bear repeated. "If I have to knock you up the side of the head again, you're going to get some sleep tonight." He turned to Leisl. "Thank you," he told her. "I'll get him out of your way until morning."
Leisl smiled and held the door for them. "I'll be ready at first light," she told Nahtan.
Nahtan let Bear push him into the hall. As they walked to his room, he made himself think of anything but Rena. Finally, he settled on the pain running through his left hand.
"What's in the morning?" Bear asked.
"She's going to show me where they buried Rena," Nahtan said after a moment, his words coming without thought. His first two fingers throbbed and when he clenched his fist, the pain in his wrist went up his arm several inches.
Bear didn't say anything else until they stopped in front of Nahtan's door. "There's only a couple of stable boys left here, Tavish is down with the army," he began. "I need to go finish seeing to the horses. Are you sure you'll be okay here for a little while?"
Nahtan nodded. He honestly doubted he would be able to sleep--or think--no matter where he was. As Bear clasped his shoulder and turned away, he opened the door and went inside, closing it silently behind him.
The room was tidy, but with an empty feeling to it. His and Rena's things were in the same places as when he left. He pulled open the drawer on the table and took out a length of braided ribbons. They had decorated her dress the day they were married, and she had saved them. He wrapped the ribbons around his right hand and sat on the bed.
"How am I going to do this without you?" he asked the room. Silence answered him and he lay back on the bed. Rena should be here, lying in the bed not quite asleep, just as she had been every time he stayed out too late in the training yard with Kile, Gharald and Janec. No matter how careful he tried to be, she always woke up to talk with him. She always knew his moods and his thoughts, her empathy telling her things his words never could.
His mind began to drift and he sat up before his exhaustion could overcome him. He knew he should try to get some sleep, but couldn't bring himself to. Fresh tears coursed down his cheeks as he gripped the ribbons. Standing up, he quickly left the room and the keep, heading straight for the one place where he might find enough peace to sort through his thoughts.
The cathedral doors were still unlocked, and he pulled them open. He paused inside the doorway, letting his eyes adjust to the dim light. At the front of the room, the three statues stood behind the altar, torches on either side of them lighting their faces.
Nahtan walked to the dais, pausing by the altar to lay his hand on it. With no thought, he fell to his knees before the statues.
"Why did you take her?" he managed. "I can't do this without Rena. I--can't raise a child. I don't even remember the parents you gave me in Edgewind." The tears ran steadily now as he looked up at the statues, lacking the strength to stand again. "Is this part of my 'destiny'?" he asked, anger mixing with everything else churning inside him. "Was remorse and regret something I had to learn to convince some forgotten god somewhere that I had learned the lessons they wanted me to?" He started when a hand fell on his shoulder. Before he could turn, Meda knelt beside him, tears in her own eyes.
"Jensina woke me and told me you were here," she said quietly. "Bear wanted to come after you, but I convinced him to stay in the keep."
Nahtan turned away from her, not wanting her to show him why his anger and frustration were wrong.
"I don't pretend to know what time holds for you," Meda continued. "But if you were to learn lessons here, then I can attest to the depth that you have learned them." She moved around to face him, taking both of his hands in hers, her fingers lingering on the ribbons. Nahtan wanted to pull his hands away, but didn't feel he had the strength to. "You are not so alo
ne as you think," Meda's voice was gentle and reassuring. "Sewati knows the emptiness you feel now, as does Jensina." Tears fell from Meda's cheeks to their clasped hands. "She sacrificed the child she had yearned for so he might survive the wrath of a god. Because you aren't one of Zakris' mortals, she had no way of knowing how the events in your life would affect you. Your future is as unknown to them as it is to you."
"I don't know what to do," Nahtan confessed. "I never lost anyone like this--I never--" he choked on the words, turning his head away from Meda.
"Nahtan," Meda's voice was still gentle, but firm now. "You know what can happen when people cease to love. Use your memories from your past and your experiences from this lifetime to teach Zakris' mortals the lessons they should not learn for themselves." She leaned forward, touching her head to his. "Your destiny will make you a king, but your love will make you a father."
Nahtan choked on a cry. Taking his hands from Meda's, he held her, letting his tears cleanse his mind and spirit of the emotions pouring through him.
After nearly an hour, Meda walked him back to his room, not leaving until she was certain he would be all right. Silent tears still coursed down his cheeks, but without the intensity he felt in the cathedral. In the end, exhaustion finally won and he eventually fell asleep as his tears soaked into the rough blanket.
Nahtan woke with a start a couple of hours before dawn. His first thought was that the whole thing was a dream, but the ribbons in his hand and Meda's voice in his head told him it wasn't.
He lay on the bed for several minutes, trying to sort through his thoughts. The sleep he'd gotten had helped, and he found things easier to think about. His heart ached to hear Rena's voice and feel her near him, but he knew it was something he would have to learn to live without.
He also knew there were other things he had to think about first. He and Bear would need to leave for Herridon as soon as they could, and he would have to keep his mind focused on a victory there. Rena didn't want their daughter growing up with the Archbishop on the throne, and Nahtan would die granting her that if need be.
