by Mia Kayla
Love, adoration, and hurt poured out of him. A mixture of emotions could be read through his transparent eyes.
“So, I want it to end. This internal war to stop loving you. Sometimes, I think it’s better to hate you, but when I try, it doesn’t work. Because the person I make up in my mind, that person I hate, is not the one I fell in love with. And, when I tell myself I can do better—because you hurt me, and I deserve better than that—my heart knows…I can’t.” His voice shook with conviction.
“And the world knows I’ve tried to get over you, but it sends me back right here, with you in my arms. When I’m here, I forget…I forget all that hurt.” He winced. “Yeah, I’m afraid to get hurt again, but I’m fucking chancing it with you because, if there is anyone in this world made for me, it’s you, Sam. You’re my person.” His lips touched my forehead. “And I want to spend forever, day in and day out, with you. With the baby.”
His words melted me, but the reality of my world could not be ignored. “She might not be yours,” I whispered, feeling agony like I’d never felt in my life.
“You think I came here, not knowing that? I know that. And if…” He wrapped his hands tighter against mine. “If there’s a chance that baby growing inside you is mine, I want that chance to love her, to bring the baby up right, by your side because that’s how I always pictured us.”
“But what if she’s not?” I whispered, my true fears pushing through. “You going to live with that?”
He stepped back, his face thoughtful. With one light finger, he lifted my chin to meet his eyes. “Yes.” His voice was resolute, his eyes firm. “Because, even if there is no part of me in that child of yours, she’s still a part of you, and I want to love every part of you.” He placed his hands on my stomach. “Even this part.”
Where had this living angel fallen from?
“Josh…” I protested.
“Are you in love with me, Samantha Clarke?” he asked, his voice strong.
Through tear-filled eyes, I couldn’t answer.
“It’s a simple question.”
“Of course I am. I never stopped loving you,” I croaked out.
He cupped the side of my face. “Then, we’ll find a way to get back to where we were. It’ll take time, but we’ll get there. Okay?” He rested his head against mine. “Do you want this?”
I nodded. “I do.”
“Me, too.”
Then, he closed the gap between us and kissed me. It was only a light brush of our lips, but it ignited the same fire in my veins, it increased my pulse, it made my whole body tingle. The effect that Josh had on me had not dimmed. If anything, it grew stronger.
Chapter 13
The next few weeks went by slowly.
When I wasn’t at work and Josh wasn’t in school, we were together. Going to the movies, eating, and baking. It was as if we were dating all over again, but we weren’t quite there. Josh had been taking our relationship painfully slow. But, for once, I was taking his lead.
At times, I’d be down on myself, guilt-ridden. And, at other times, Josh would be angry with me, like it was hard to forget what I had done to him.
But we made a pact to talk about it when our feelings overfilled our emotional buckets. If we built a good foundation, we would last. The foundation that we had originally formed had obliterated because of the earthquake I had caused. And I made a secret oath to live my life redeeming myself.
We were both plopped on the couch, watching a game show I wasn’t paying attention to, when my mind wandered, like it had been doing a lot recently.
When he placed his hand on my belly, my eyes met his.
“Do we have a name yet?” he asked, a dimple popping on his cheek.
I had missed that dimple.
“Not sure.”
He bent down and began talking to my stomach, his new fascination lately, “Hey, pretty baby. What should we name you?”
I bit my bottom lip from quivering because, in another life and another time, one where I had made better decisions, this would be a happy moment.
He sat up and lightly tapped my head with his finger. “What are you thinking up there?”
I shook my head and blinked back tears. Damn hormones.
He gathered me in his arms, holding me snugly. “When you get all quiet, I know a storm is building up in that little blonde head of yours. So, just tell me what you’re thinking. You promised.”
“Don’t you ever wonder what you’ll do…if she’s not yours?”
He blinked and stared at me for far too long without saying anything. “My sister hates you and still doesn’t know we’re back together. My friends think I’m just plain stupid. Everyone is telling me to forget you. Problem was…I tried. I had to make a decision. Walk away or accept every single part of you.”
Just as he finished what he was saying, the door to his apartment flew open, and my whole body tensed. Casey stood a few feet away from me. The color drained from her face, and her eyes filled with fury.
“You’re fucking kidding me, right?” she said. “Will slipped and told me you were back together with her.”
I wished I could block out her irate voice, but I couldn’t because I deserved it. I deserved to hear her wrath.
Josh’s eyes dashed toward his sister. He stood and gripped her elbow, angling her away from me. “Casey, listen, we will talk about this later.”
“No!” She propped her hands on her hips. “Are you dumb? She’s pregnant. You haven’t been together in months. Is it even yours? Is it?” She threw words at him like stones.
He didn’t answer, but he pulled Casey into his room. I could still hear them though because his door wasn’t shut all the way.
I released a heavy sigh. Maybe I needed to leave. But there was nothing that she could say that I didn’t already know. I stood, and just when I thought she’d convince him to leave me, his words stopped me.
“She’s it, Case.”
A pleading cry broke from her lips. “She’s not. Listen to me.” Her voice heightened with deep family emotion. “You, big bro, can have any woman you want. Anyone! They’d drop to your feet. It’s not only your good looks…it’s your heart, Josh. It’s a heart made of gold, and she doesn’t deserve it.”
My hand flew to my parted mouth, as I was unable to stay steady because it was the truth, all of it. I didn’t deserve him. He deserved so much better than me…someone faithful and kind and selfless, just like he was.
“It’s got to be her. Those months…those months that I was away from her, I thought of her the whole time. I love her, Casey. And I went on dates. Shit, a whole lot of them. But it didn’t help. Going out with other girls only proved one thing…that I don’t want to be with anybody else.”
“Josh, you just need time.”
“No, see, that’s just it. It doesn’t matter. There’s no amount of time that will ever get me over her because I don’t want to. Look at Dad. It’s been years, Casey.”
Josh’s voice was so clear, so powerful, making a case to his own sister. “You told me…when grandfather forced my hand with the business, you told me, it’s my life. Well, I’m telling you, it’s my life, and if I walk away right now, if I just upped and left her…it would be because I was living how you wanted me to live and how my friends wanted me to live. Because how I want to live…it’s with that woman out there…forever.”
“Josh,” she said, “you deserve so much better. Don’t do this.”
“You don’t understand, Case. A few weeks ago, I was at a crossroads in my life.” His voice shook with emotion. “Where I struggled with an internal battle. I was at that pizza joint, and I didn’t even see her. I felt her, crazy as it sounds.” He laughed without humor. “I turned, and there she was. I left Will sitting at the table and approached her. Shit. And the first thing I wanted to do was reach for her hand because I wanted confirmation that she was really there, like the first time I’d met her. Because, in the darkness, through a line-up, I could pick her hand from the
softness of her skin and the lines on her palm.”
His voice lowered where I strained to hear him. “Then, I saw her. Pregnant. And, for a brief second, just a second, I was so sure it was mine. Until she told me she wasn’t sure.”
“Josh,” Casey started, as though she didn’t want to hear any more.
But he only continued, “I started to walk home. I aimlessly walked around and around in the city. And, when I looked up, do you know where I ended up?” He let out a low laugh. “I ended up in front of her place.”
I breathed through his next words, feeling unworthy.
“If you love me, Case, you’ll let me decide how to live my life.”
Silence ensued after that.
Who knew what was being said? The only people who knew the outcome of their conversation were the two people in the room.
When they exited the room, Casey didn’t acknowledge my existence. She hugged Josh one last time and walked out the door without throwing a glance my way.
I blew out a breath and kept my eyes steady on the TV, pretending I hadn’t just overheard their whole conversation.
“So…that was interesting, wasn’t it?” he asked, his tone light.
“Yeah.”
When I peered at him, he pulled me onto his lap and dropped his head into the crook of my neck, his arms wrapping around my belly.
“Don’t worry about Casey.”
I quirked an eyebrow at his nonchalance.
This man would fight the world for me. I only wished I deserved it.
The warmth of his lips touched my bare neck. “Life is about choices. And these choices have consequences. I figure there are two doors that I can choose from. If I walk away, you’ll meet someone, and I’ll meet someone. Then, we’ll move on. We’ll live separate lives. Thing is…I’d rather take this door that leads to you.”
It was too much. With me being pregnant and his undying devotion, it was all too much to handle.
I grabbed his ears and pulled him into me, kissing him full force. “I love you. So much. I promise never to hurt you again. I promise.” My eyes bore into his.
“Do you?” he asked, his fingers branding my sides.
I knew above anything that there was no one out there better for me than him. “Yes,” I replied with certainty and conviction.
He lightly traced a path from my temple and down my cheek, resting on my bottom lip. His eyes took me in, memorizing my every feature. I breathed him in, his musky cologne and everything that was my Josh.
A small smile touched his face before he angled closer and kissed my nose. Then, my lips. Just a peck. But the soft kiss triggered tingles throughout my whole body, from down my neck and a direct line to my core.
Slow pecks turned into nibbles against the tender part of my bottom lip, and it transformed into his whole mouth on mine. His kisses sparked a fire in my belly. His lips devoured me, as though I were a gourmet meal—only this time, he was the cook.
When he pulled back, I read a look of longing and passion and need that mirrored mine.
The air around us seemed electrified, and my heart danced with excitement, knowing this was it.
The next second, he stood and pulled me up. When he bent down and his arms flew under my knees, I protested because I was packing an extra twenty pounds, but he only silenced me with his lips. He swept me up like I was weightless in his arms, and my whole body trembled with desire of what was to come.
He walked us back to his room and gently guided me onto my back on top of his bed.
“Josh.” I wanted him so much, more than my next breath. I loved this man beyond my own comprehension.
My hands threaded through his hair as he hovered over me, careful not to smash my belly. I wasn’t that overly plump yet, but my pooch was noticeably round.
“I’ve missed you so much.” His voice was gruff and warm against my skin.
When his thumbs flicked over my nipples covered by my black lace bra, I arched my back, needing to get closer and wanting the itchy barrier between us off.
He knelt on the bed, and with one hand, he reached for the back of his shirt and lifted it over his head. I rested back on my elbows, taking in the sight of his beautiful body. My mouth watered at his well-defined six-pack and the glorious muscles and lines right above his hip bones. I wanted to run my tongue along his taut muscles.
“See something you like?” A sexy-ass dimple appeared on his face as he witnessed me gawking.
I bit my lip and nodded. Then, I reached for the waistband of his jeans. “Pregnant women are especially horny. I wanted to jump your bones weeks ago,” I said, honesty leaking out of me.
He licked the seam of his lips and seductively peered down at me. Then, he gently guided himself above me, the veins in his forearms popping out. “Is that so?”
“Yes,” I said, breathless.
He was teasing me, tempting me, and prolonging the inevitable.
He unbuttoned my jeans at a painfully slow pace and tugged them along with my panties down my legs. Then came my shirt.
When he slipped a finger in me, I gasped. Our eyes locked as he created this sensual friction with the magic of his skilled fingers. With his mouth, he sucked on my breast, while watching me through hooded eyes.
The passion in me rose, clouding my brain. The increasing thrusts of his fingers awakened flames deep inside me. The beginning of a sensation at the bottom of my spine spread to my toes, and I knew I was so close to combustion, but it wasn’t enough.
I pulled at his hand. “I want you inside me when I come.”
Nice and slow was long gone. Fast and furious took its place. I pulled at the button of his jeans at the same time he undid the clasp of my bra.
Our hands, our lips moved with purpose and a hungry desire. He pulled me to the edge of the bed and pressed his tip against my wetness. With one thrust, he entered me with a raw act of possession.
I was his, and he was mine.
The heat of his palms gripped the swell of my hips, and all I could hear was the slapping of skin on skin. All I could smell was the aroma of our heat. All I could feel was Josh. All of him.
When his movements increased in urgency, that familiar sensation initiated at the base of my spine.
“Harder,” I breathed, needing to feel more of him.
He pushed into me with a ravenous frenzy until the convulsions took over, and my body began to vibrate with liquid passion. With one last thrust, both of us came together in utter ecstasy, pure nirvana.
The heat in my body spread to my heart. Our connection carried an intensity so strong, it took a while for us to come down from the ultimate high.
When our breathing evened out and our pulse returned to a normal rate, he pulled me into him, spooning me against him, his hands gently placed on our baby.
Ours.
Because that was what he’d decided. I’d have to learn to accept his decision, and eventually, I could forgive myself.
But the thought of his sacrifice and loving me brought such emotion to the surface that tears fell from my eyes. When I was with him, everything in the world seemed right again. I’d been walking in a world thrown off its axis, but with Josh, I was centered, steady.
When I sniffled against my own will, Josh peered over at me. “What’s wrong?” The warmth in his smile echoed in his tone. “That bad, huh? Well, I’m in need of some practice. Next time will be better.”
I shook my head, too emotional to give him an answer. Lately, I’d been a hormonal mess.
He brushed an escaping strand of hair from my face. It tingled where he touched.
When I continued to cry, his smile slowly faltered, his eyes turning serious. “You’re not going to want for anything. You and the baby.” His voice cracked with emotion. “Whatever he can give you, I’ll give you more. Because the difference is, I’m here. I’m going to be here, be present. I’m going to hold you when you cry, and I’m going to experience every happy moment with the both of you.”
I li
fted my head and kissed him deeply. “I’m not crying about that. I’m crying because I have a second chance. Because I’m so happy.”
He brushed his nose against mine. “Me, too, Princess. Me, too.”
He pulled me against him and held me in silence.
Though an hour had passed, I knew he was still awake, probably wondering, like me, about everything we’d been through but glad that we’d still made it here—in each other’s arms.
Warmth surrounded us, the type that radiated from the inside out. My breathing slowed against Josh’s chest as he continually brushed my hair with his fingers.
And, as I feigned sleep, he whispered, “Samantha Clarke.” I felt the compressions of his chest against my cheek cease, and he stopped breathing completely. “I love you.” His voice was soft, yet it exuded such strength, and I knew he meant those words with his whole being.
As his breathing evened out until he was soundly sleep, a single tear escaped my eye because I knew this was real.
Love wasn’t fleeting. It didn’t excite you one minute and die out the next. That was lust. This was everlasting. A love that stood by you for a thousand years.
Love lifted you up, and at times, love was hard. It was a sacrifice and sacrificed for you, but to be loved and to love was utter bliss.
Josh was love. Every part of him confirmed that love existed. His selflessness. His ability to forgive. His ability to see the truth in all people and to love with his whole heart.
I didn’t deserve him, and as he’d said that he would never find anyone better than me…the truth was, there was no man better than him. No one.
I had to believe there was a God.
Because everything happened for a reason.
Chapter 14
Three Years Later…
In my living room and on my knees, I stuffed Gracie’s belongings into her baby bag. A sippy cup, Pull-Ups, and wipes were all I needed.
