Finding Eden

by Camilla Beavers

  “I'm sorry.”

  “Don't be. It's not that bad. I'm just waiting until they start debating on whether or not I have the authority to make any actual decisions.”

  “Why would they question you?” I ask, “I told them your decisions are mine, and for them to take them as such.”

  “Unfortunately, just because you tell a bunch of men something doesn't necessarily mean they'll listen.”

  I burst out laughing at the bit on knowledge Marius has given me.

  “Hey I have a question,” I say after a moment of being able to breathe again.

  “Hmm.”

  “You speak a lot differently than a lot of others do. Why is that?”

  “You mean I speak more like you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, it's simple,” he says, “I've spent more years in the human world than a lot of others. The only other who has spent as much time would be Sahariel. Well, more recent years to be exact.”

  “He guarded my mother in the human world, didn't he?”

  “Oh, he did, but he didn't really socialize that much.”

  “And you did?”

  He chuckles.

  “To an extent, yes. I was at the stage in my life where I wanted to travel and go to different places. So I did.”

  “I wish I could do that. But I can't. I have too many things to take care of right now.”

  “Don't lose hope,” Marius says, “once the war settles down you should be able to do more.”

  “That's good. I'd like to be able to do more than just paperwork, eat and sleep. All in that order.”

  I take a bite of my food when I feel a presence to my left.

  “Your highness,” a servant boy is standing next to me, nearly scaring the crap out of me, “My lady wishes to know whether or not we are observing the autumn festival during this time of war.”

  I give myself a moment before answering.

  “I don't see why not.”

  “I shall inform my lady,” the boy says and walks away just as quickly and quietly as he had approached.

  I run through numbers in my head, counting the days of the week.

  “Shit,” I mutter.

  Marius raises an eyebrow at me.

  “That particular festival is next week,” I groan, “I don't suppose there's a committee or something that normally does those things?”

  “Actually, I happen to know one of the women who is on the committee. If you'd like, I can pass along the information to her.”

  “That would be awesome. Thank you!”

  I fork another bite of food into my mouth and look past my lashes at Marius, enjoying the tingly feeling that's running down my spine. I swallow my food and open my mouth to say something, but a tug stops me.

  There's a tug on the connection that I managed to ignore for the past month or so. A very strong emotion that I can't quite understand. I sit up in my chair and look around for the owner of the other end of the connection. I twist in my seat looking around the room. Then I find him.

  My eyes meet Sahariel's over Marius' shoulder. I see the man I hadn't seen in over a month and I don't know what to think of the expression on his face. Is he angry? It's not quite anger. It's something else. But what?

  I don't have time to really think about it. After only a second or two, his face goes completely blank and he walks away down the corridor and out of sight.

  Fingers snap in front of my face, a hand waved.

  “Are you alright?”

  I blink, “I'm fine.”

  “Are you sure?” Marius says, “You look like you've seen a ghost or something.”

  More like a man I hadn't seen in over a month and with whom I have an eerily strong connection with. But I don't say that to him.

  “Yes, I'm fine.”

  “Are you sure?” He looks concerned.

  “Yeah,” I say into my food, “I'm fine.”

  Chapter Twenty-three

  “You've got to be kidding me,” I stomp down the hall.

  “I'm terribly sorry, your highness, but they were adamant that I get you.”

  I sigh and look at the girl who was walking slightly behind me, her legs moving fast in an attempt to keep up with my strides. I have to give her credit though; she is keeping up.

  I barge into the war room and almost immediately Marius sees me.

  “My lady,” Marius bows to me, a smile on his face.

  “Marius.”

  Marius straightens from his bow, his eyes dancing at some untold joke. The room is filled with all of the other strategists, and despite having made Marius the lead, for some reason no one is listening to him. Marius knows I don't want to be here. That's why he's laughing at me. And that's why I'm not.

  “Is there a reason why I'm here?” I ask the room full of argumentative men.

  They hesitate before answering me. They feel that I'm angry. I'm keeping my powers in check, but this isn't the first time this has happened. A few moments pass before someone steps forward.

  “We needed your council, your highness,” one of them finally says.

  “This is why I made Marius lead,” I say, trying desperately not to facepalm, “I trust him to make the right decisions on my behalf.”

  “I mean no disrespect, but your grandfather, may he rest in peace, always mediated and sat in on these meeting. He was always the one who made the final decision.”

  “My grandfather and I are two different people. I will be the first to admit that I'm not as intelligent as my grandfather. That is why I made Marius lead.” I try to calm down a little, “But I swear to god if I have to come down here one more time because you don't trust my own decision to make Marius lead, someone is going to be feeling it for longer than this war will ever last. Do you understand?”

  I look around the room and I feel like I'm talking to a bunch full of five year olds. The men, some of them obviously way older than me, stand there and stare at the ground, shuffling their feet.

  “Well? Do you understand?”

  “Yes ma'am,” all the men chorus.

  “Good,” I say, “I'm going to go. If I have to come in here one more time I swear heads will roll.”

  I smile at them before I leave, making sure that they know that I would never actually hurt them, or chop off their heads. Before I leave, though, Marius stops me.

  “I know you count on me, your highness,” he says, “and I know next week is the festival, but tomorrow I'm going to need travel out to the field. The fifth division is having some issues understanding the orders I've been giving them, so it appears I'm going to have to go down there and draw them a map or something.”

  Great. Not only do I have to deal with these men-children again, but I have to spend the festival by myself. Awesome.

  I sigh, but it comes out more like a huffing noise.

  “Fine,” I grind out, “abandon me, why don't you.”

  “I don't mean to abandon you,” he says, “it's just very annoying having to actually go out there. I don't want to do it, but despite my many attempts to actually dumb down my directions, they still don't get it. I shouldn't be surprised. Everyone knows those in the fifth division aren't the brightest crayons in the box.”

  It's common knowledge that the fifth division isn't too smart. You normally have to explain things to them many times, which is annoying on its own, but actually having to physically go to them is a sad day.

  We say our good-byes, and Marius promises to see me before he leaves. I grab a snack to eat in my office and Kal checks on me to make sure I'm doing alright.

  “I'm fine,” I say.

  “How's the planning coming for the festival?”

  “As far as I'm aware? Pretty well. The committee hasn't come to me with any issues yet so far. I will take that as either a really good thing, or a really bad thing.”

  Kal chuckles from where he leans against the doorway.

  “Alright,” he says, “I'm going to go meet Lelaine for dinner. Are you going to be ok
ay by yourself?”

  “Yes,” I say, “I will be fine. Go, or else you'll be late.”

  He smiles at me, waves, and disappears from the door. I go back to my paperwork, working quickly so I can try to get back to my room. It's weird. Although doing paperwork requires no physical work, it's still exhausting. And after the day is done, I want nothing more than to go to my room, curl up on my bed and sleep. Which is exactly what I do.

  Sleep comes quickly, but not peacefully. Nothing too horrible, just a bunch of colors swirling around. Nothing else, which by itself is a little odd, but it's the colors I see that confuse me even more.

  Red, orange, green, pink and gray swirl around one another, showing emotions attached to someone, but I don't know who. I feel anxiety and worry, which all stem from a deep love and devotion. Jealousy and depression dance hand-in-hand, deepening the worry, but make it difficult to gather the energy to do anything about it.

  Whose emotions are these? They sure as hell aren't mine. For that matter they could be anyone's.

  After hours of watching colors swirl, shift, flare and settle, I wake up oddly unrefreshed yet not tired, however the hell that works. I stretch for a few minutes before I begrudgingly get out of bed and get dressed.

  I'm not too thrilled that Marius is going to be leaving for who knows how long, but there isn't anything I can do about it. I splash some warm water on my face and put my crown on. Marius accompanies me to the front gate so I can see Marius off.

  “Are you going to be okay without me?” Marius asks.

  “I think I will survive,” I say. “But you'd better come back soon. My sanity might not be able to handle it.”

  “If I stay out too long, neither will mine.”

  I look around for a second. It's awkward. I've never been too terribly good with good-byes, and I have don't think Marius is any better.

  “Alright then,” he says. “My Queen, I bid you farewell. I shall see you upon my return.”

  With that Marius walks away from me. I watch him walk down the street and disappear into the distance. After a few moments, my shoulders slump and Kal puts a consoling hand on my shoulder.

  “He's not your only friend, you know that, right?” Kal asks.

  “I know that,” I say, “but I didn't have to threaten to kill him before he was my friend.”

  Kal shrugs, “To each their own.”

  “I guess.”

  Kal and I stand in companionable silence for a few minutes.

  “So,” Kal says, “any plans for today?”

  “More paperwork.”

  “Fun.”

  “Not really. You don't have to hang around today.”

  “Oh thank god.”

  I wave him away, laughing, my mood a little higher. I walk back into the castle and make my way to my office. I see Avaria and Tobi and I wave to them. Before Avaria can try and stop him, Tobi runs from her side to me and wraps his arms around me in a big hug. I ruffle his hair in my standard return of affection. He smiles at me and then runs back to Avaria as I continue to walk down the hallway.

  I almost make it to my office when a young man runs up the hallway behind me, his steps echoing off the walls. Stooped over, trying to catch his breath, I wait patiently for him to gain the breath to tell me what he needs to.

  “Your highness,” he manages, “you're needed in the war room.”

  “I swear to god.”

  I stomp down the hall. Ten minutes haven't even gone by and they already need me. I follow the boy and mutter angrily under my breath. Damn the strategists, and damn Marius for leaving.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  I sit in my chair, watching the people around me have a little bit of fun during this war torn time. I wish I knew how to act. I wish I knew what was right. But sitting here, watching as these people, my people, my supposed royal family, mill around like there's nothing else going on, has me wondering what exactly I'm doing wrong.

  Tobi doesn't stray far from where I'm sitting, and even though I know it was the right decision to take him in, I can't help but wonder what these people thought. Did they think it was the right thing, or did they just think I was acting insane?

  I sigh and Tobi looks up at me, smiling widely. The pure innocence in that smile reassures me that I did in fact make the right decision in that respect. But what about everything else? Did I make the right choices when it came to this war? I sigh quietly as to not be overheard by Tobi again, resting my head in my hands, remembering a meeting that happened last week.

  ...

  I stand there staring down at a map trying my hardest to figure out a good strategy for the next battle, and without Marius there I can't figure this one out. Why the man had to be out in the field at that very moment annoyed me to no end. The advisers that are there are literally split down the middle. Of the twelve people standing around me, whose job it is to give me battle strategies, six of them say the next battle was a trap and then other half dozen say our enemy was just stupid. And of course the twins are split as well. Although identical, they rarely agreed on many things.

  “My Queen,” one of my strategists says, “what is your take on this situation?”

  I frown. I look down at the map, seeing the wooden carvings marking the places of both alliance forces and the forces of the enemy. From what the map says, we have them surrounded, but they have high cliffs at their back, and we don't know if they have troops behind them, overlooking the battlefield. Although both sides disagreed about the amount of intelligence the enemy had, they did agree that we should march on them. But is that the smartest thing to do? Wouldn't that be doing what everyone thinks you should do, whichever choice is made? Marius always says to do the unexpected, so why not do it now and confuse everyone?

  “We won't do anything,” I say under my breath, thinking out loud.

  “What was that, my queen?”

  “We won't do anything,” I repeat myself a little louder this time.

  Every pair of eyes is on me. Most of the expressions I can see is complete shock. What I said is not what they thought we should do. They wanted action, and the only thing I gave was inaction.

  “You've got to be joking,” one of the more outspoken strategists says in a cynical tone. I had never liked him. It didn't matter what I said or did, in his eyes I was doing it wrong. And in all reality I could have been.

  “The enemy will expect some sort of movement, whether their intelligence is high enough to formulate some sort of trap or not. If we don't move, and just fortify our current positions, that will throw the enemy off and allow us to gain the upper hand.”

  That gained a few appreciative nods, but the outspoken, cynical man just glares at me, his arms folded over his chest in a very defensive, dominant way, his aura telling me there is a different reason he's against my decision. I know he's been doing this for longer than I had been human, but was I completely wrong? Should I act differently?

  Before I can change the decision I just made, everyone files out of the room, leaving me feeling completely confused about who I am and how I should act.

  ...

  Tobi smiles up at me again, and I smile back at him. The boy runs up to me, the toy horse in his hands nibbling at the boy’s fingernail. He holds it up to me as if he's some toddler showing me a prize of sorts. Although he's eight years old, he acts younger, as if he's trying to make up for his lost childhood of being on the street. The small horse looks up at me with baleful eyes, its tail swishing back and forth, twitching and switching directions as often as my brain is at this very moment.

  “Hey Tobi,” I say, opening my arms and wrapping them around the boy, giving him a hug, “how are you?”

  “Good, auntie,” he says, having taken to calling me auntie within the last couple of weeks. Although an endearing term, it made me feel slightly old, but the way he says it is so sweet it makes me smile no matter how old it makes me feel.

  I let Tobi go and gave him a small pat on the back, a non-verbal way of saying fo
r him to continue to play. Looking up from the brief exchange I feel a few disapproving glances fall upon me. I frown at my feet wondering if that is another thing I've done wrong. I sigh and shake my head, hoping that the movement will cause some sort of eureka moment. I have to get my head in the game, because this festival still has a lot longer to go. I plaster a smile on my face and walk into the crowd.

  “I heard the decision to fortify our current positions was a sound one,” A voice says to my left.

  “Mmm,” I agree around my drink, “I was a little worried at first, but I'm glad I made the decision.”

  “I also heard that most of the council of strategists was against you.”

  I look at him, slightly stunned. I had honestly thought I could stay away from that subject, but I guess luck is not on my side.

  “You heard about that, huh?”

  “I believe most everyone has heard about it,” he says and I frown at him.

  “That's unfortunate.”

  “But heed this, your highness,” he looks at me rather seriously, “it would be wise if you had more confidence in the decisions you make. If you don't, then others will doubt you, and soon a coupe will form.”

  I feel my eyes widen, my mouth falls open and my heart thuds in my chest. A coupe? Against me? Is that even possible? Would people really do that to me if I didn't show enough confidence in my decisions?

  The man walks away from me and I stare down at my hands, my brows furrowed in concentration. I wonder how far into this “confidence” I should go. The only time I had proved myself was when I had met all the nobles at the same time, removing all of my great-uncles emotions. Should I be so over the top this time? Then another question comes to my mind, who was that man? My mind begins its internal roll of its Rolodex and I finally recognize the face. My fingers brush the necklace at my neck and I smile, glad that I've been able to see that man again.

  “Well, I don't know what she was thinking,” I hear someone whisper.

  “I thought it was a nice thing she did,” someone else mutters back.

  “It was very impulsive thing to do. What if all the decisions she makes become that impulsive?”

  There's a moment of silence.