by Ariana Rose
“Will you take my bag upstairs? I have a girl to go get.”
“Bellhop isn’t in my job description, but for the sake of love, I will add it.”
In a rare display of affection between us, I hug him tight. “Thank you, brother.”
I take off, walking fast at first, then I break into a run. I can’t wait to get to her, to take her in my arms, to tell her that I love her too. The stoplights take too long. I cross into Piedmont. It’s the closest way for me to get to her. I run down the slope on to the track. I can see her apartment in front of me. I stop at the edge to collect my thoughts, so I can tell her what I feel inside. My phone begins to vibrate in my pocket. Hoping it is Alexandra, I look at the caller ID. Unfortunately, it’s Quinn. Even when she doesn’t know what’s about to happen, she’s trying to ruin it.
I answer quickly the text quickly, so she doesn’t resort to calling me.
I just got out of the shower, Quinn. I will have to message you later.
I don’t think this can wait, Julian. I thought you might like to have this…
Her dramatic pause takes a turn. The next text I see is a photograph. It’s of Alexandra naked, laying across me. It’s from the night she and I spent in my trailer. She knows. She’s known for a long time.
What is your game, Quinn?
There is no game, Tom Sawyer. Now that you’re done floating in the Mississippi River, listen and listen well. You need to find me sooner rather than later, or I will take a bite out of your Minneapolis whore. You’d better call me inside two minutes, or this picture will go to Daddy and Jack. I’m waiting.
Quinn will destroy Alexandra and she will sleep well after. I begin pacing on the gravel as I call her.
“You chose wisely, Jules.”
“Don’t call me that, you bitch!”
“Listen to you, all suit of armor for your little whore.”
“Don’t call her that. You’re a slave to the dollar and fame. Who’s the real whore in all of this?”
“Careful, Julian, or I will hit send, no matter what.”
I stop pacing and begin to rub my throbbing head. “What is your price, Quinn? Tell me.”
“Here are the terms, Julian. You will leave her flat. You will not see her or speak to her again without me present. Your little affair is finished, over as of this moment, or I will rake her over the coals. We will announce our engagement immediately. This wedding will happen as I have designed. You balk at anything and you will see what I’m capable of.”
I can physically feel my heart breaking. In an instant, she has taken all my will and fight. There is no choice. After all Alexandra has been through, I can’t subject her to this. I can’t allow her to have to explain this to her father. They have their hands full with Hunter. That is just finally settling. I can’t be the reason for this type of pain.
“Julian? You have five seconds.”
I collapse to the grass, nearly the exact spot Diesel first ran Alexandra over. “You win, Quinn. You win. You win this game, but you will never have my love. I hope you can live with the fact I hate you.”
“I can live with that passion, Jules.”
SOMETHING HAPPENED IN the airport. That kiss as we separated into our cars. It felt like an ending instead of a “see you soon.” I can still feel his lips against mine. They quivered. As I perch on the vanity in the makeup trailer, the lights circling the mirrors are warm against my back. I need a distraction until Julian arrives, so we can talk, and he can explain away what I’m feeling. I don’t even realize that I take to kicking my legs back and forth, as I scroll through my phone while Becca sets up her magic.
Every app and search engine I hit…Google… Facebook…Instagram… Twitter. You name the social media platform, and there it is. The answer I sought is right there, staring me in the face. It is bright as the sun. All the headlines read “Julian Stone proposes to Quinn Davis.” I stare at link after link, all saying the same thing. Diamond engagement ring…August wedding.
“What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something. Did Hunter try and contact you?” Becca asks as she lines up her brushes.
“Nothing...it’s nothing,” I lie as I get up from the counter. I shove my phone in my back pocket, hoping I can make it all go away. It’s not true. It can’t be true.
“Do you honestly expect me to believe that? I know you better. I call bullshit, Lex!”
I sigh. The pit in my stomach is rising in a growing fury. “What?!”
“Something caught your eye in virtual land. Show me.”
She comes after me and tries to take my phone. I need to tell her. I want to tell her. It’s eating at me from the inside out. “It’s nothing... It’s just...”
“It’s just what?” She’s nearly mocking me at this point. “For God’s sake!” she bellows, as she finally gets a good grip on my phone and snatches it from me.
“Hey! Please give it back. I’m begging you, Becca, please?”
“With sugar?” she adds, smiling at first before looking down at the now open screen. As she reads, her smile slowly fades as she glances over each link. She finally lands on and recites the headline, “‘Do we hear wedding bells?’” I watch as she processes.
I silently beg, Please don’t ask me, just please don’t ask me.
“Is this what you were looking at?”
Fuck! “Yes.”
The screen is now facing me in her hand, like a neon sign flashing bright. If it was in my hand, it was private. Now, the words leap out at me, punching me in the stomach over and over. “Julian Stone to wed Quinn Davis.”
“Holy shit!” she screams. “Is this true?”
I shrug and weakly reply, “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. Can we talk about something else, please?” I try and focus back on my scripts. I need to keep a lid on the volcano growing inside me.
“No... we can’t, Lex! Why does this bother you so much?”
“Bec...please, just leave it alone.” I can feel the tears bubbling just below the surface.
“Lex”—she starts to close the gap between us— “I know you better than you think. You’re really upset by this.”
I snap, “Why would I give a shit? He is only someone I work with...for...with. I have no right to comment on who he sees or doesn’t.” I hug the scripts tight to my chest. Without realizing it, my fingers trace my lips… the last place he touched me.
I feel her prying eyes study me. With a gasp she blurts out, “Oh my God! Holy fuck! You’re in love with Julian, aren’t you?”
Quick… think! Deny, deny, deny. “What? That’s crazy. No! Absolutely not!” I spin away from her. I can feel the tears begin to fall, and I know they won’t stop.
I hear her feet approach before her hands rest on my shoulders. She presses me further, “Alexandra Taylor! You know I have ways to make you talk!”
I whirl around and scream, “Becca...what do you want me say?!” I drop my tone, absolutely defeated. “I wake up thinking about him, I go to sleep and dream about him. I wish he was in the same bed with me every night, not just sometimes. I want him to wrap his arms around me and hold me in public. I want him to stare deep into my eyes, take my face in his hands, and kiss me...all day, every day. I want him to not be able to live without me...me! I want to be the one who makes him happy because I have, and I know I could forever.”
After an infinite silence, I say the words I’ve only even said out loud once, “Yes! I... love...him! With every fiber of my being, I am in love with Julian Stone!”
“God…Lex…” Her pity and disbelief push me over the edge.
The room starts to spin. It’s so hot in here, I can barely think. The walls are closing in. I pull out of her grasp. I vaguely hear Becca calling after me, but I don’t stop. I can’t stop. I dash down the trailer steps and collide with the truth I’ve been trying to escape. Julian… he’s still wearing the ring I bought him in Savannah.
“Whoa!” he exclaims, as he grabs my upper arms. Our eyes lock, a
nd I want to instantly call him on his shit, but feel so sick that I narrowly shake free in time to make it behind the trailer before my breakfast comes back to haunt me. All time stops. I don’t know how long it lasts. It feels like forever. I don’t realize he’s followed me. He has my hair twisted around his fingers, like he had so many times before, and is gently caressing my back.
“Jesus…Lex…what can I do?” He offers me the bottle of water he had in his jacket pocket. I take a small sip to rinse my mouth, but I’m still hunched over.
“Don’t you think you’ve done enough already, Julian?” I place the back of my hand to my forehead.
“You’re obviously sick. I want to take care of you.” His arm wraps at my waist to hold me up.
“You want to help me? Really?” I ask, nearly in a laugh.
“Yes, of course I want to help,” he responds.
“May I have your phone, please?”
“Why? Do you need a doctor?” He pulls out his phone and begins to dial. “I can page Jordan, and he can get the medic over here.”
I shout, “No!” Others are starting to arrive around us. I should be panicked that we are so exposed, but I don’t care. I growl at him angrily, “No. Give me your phone, please.”
He never releases me as he hands the phone over. He gently leans us back against the trailer exterior and I quickly hit the browser, type in his name. The link list is longer this time, and the magnitude hits me even harder in his presence. I can feel the tears before I see them. I slam the phone to his chest, “You say you want to help? Explain that then, you asshole!”
He pries the phone from my trembling hand and looks down at the screen. I can see him process each link in order. His mouth opens to speak. I can tell he’s searching for the words.
“Alexandra, I…”
I immediately put up my hand to stop what would inevitably be something I could not hear. “Don’t! Don’t even try to give me some excuse.”
I try to leave, but the earth is falling away. He catches me before I hit the ground. His arms are like fire to me. Not the kind I was used to, that ignited my soul. Now it’s the kind that burns.
“Alexandra, they…you don’t understand.”
“What don’t I understand? You decided to screw me to pass the time. I get it.”
“No… Alexandra.” He tilts my chin so I’m looking at him. “That is not true. I want to be with you and you alone.”
I brush his arms off me, finding a way to stand on my own. “You don’t have the right to say that to me. Not anymore. You want to be with me so badly that you get engaged to her?!”
“Lex… this was forced on me. I want to change it. You know I do.”
“Do you? Then do it!” I scream at him. “Do you have any idea how seeing this makes me feel?”
“Yes, Alexandra…. I do,” he responds.
I shake my head and take off running. I can hear him stride for stride behind me.
“Alexandra!”
He’s closing the gap once again. He’s finally able to take hold of my shoulders, to spin me around and hold me in place. I look up into his blue eyes. In that moment, I find my voice through the river of tears.
“I watch you from a distance. I’ve mapped every single line of your face. The way your eyes twinkle like a child every time you smile. You exude passion from every pore of your being. Whether you are giving a line on camera or interacting with the crew, taking the time to speak a few minutes with a fan, or just wrestling with Diesel.” My sobs are choking me. “You always give one-hundred percent at what you do…more than one-hundred percent. You never waste a second. I know how you feel about wasted time.”
His eyes connect with mine in a way they never have. “Julian… how… How do you tell someone you are not supposed to love, not even supposed to think about, that you are completely, totally, and utterly in love with them? I want to be able to stand in a crowd of our friends and be able to say—”
I pause for a moment and lay my hands on either side of his face. “I don’t know when it happened, but I’ve fallen for you. I can say without hesitation that I am in love with you. I’ve wanted to say that for so long… since that day in the park. I said it in what I thought was your sleep instead. I want to take your hand in mine”—I take it and lay it on my chest over my heart, in a place where it has been so many times in private— “and I want to first tell you thank you. Thank you for coming into my life. You’ve been able to heal so many things that were broken in me. I know what I want. I want to be the one who stands at your side as every dream you have ever had comes true. I want to see everything you value come to life in brilliant color.”
His eyes look down as they try to hide the pain I know is matching mine, as I continue. “I want to lie in our bed and feel your arms wrapped around me. I want to feel your smile at my neck as you laugh at another silly story from my day. I want the last words we speak to each other at night to be ‘I love you.’”
I can finally see he truly understands but in the same breath, I can also see the wall going back up. I can feel him pulling away from me.
“I need you to say something. Julian… God, say anything! You know what it took for me to say those words. You know what they mean to me.”
“Lex… I wish I could give you what you need. You know I want to.”
My tears blind me. “Save it! Just save it.” I take two fistfuls of his shirt and push him away. “I wouldn’t want you to actually have to feel something for the first time in months.”
I sense a prying set of eyes. Someone is very nearby. I turn to see who’s witnessed my confession. Thank God it’s just Becca.
“Lex…” She looks between us, knowing she interrupted something. Her kind eyes fall to me and I answer her silent question: No, I am not okay. “Lex, Jordan was looking for you. He wants you to head to his trailer. Something about final preparations for the wrap party.”
I stare at Julian and take a couple of steps back. “Becs, can you tell him that I’m sick and had to leave unexpectedly? We can’t afford this spreading through the cast and crew this close to finale day. I’m sure I will be better by tomorrow.”
Even she could sense the lie. She wasn’t readily present for the damage inflicted but by her stance, I can tell she understands. If looks could kill, he’d be six feet under. “Do you need me to drive you home?” she asks.
“No… I can make it on my own.” I take a deep breath, to try and be able to walk away with my head held high. “I always do.”
I give Julian one last look to make sure he knows not to follow me. I make it past him, but just barely, and shakily climb the stairs. I locate my purse, phone, and keys, and walk in a daze to my car. I climb in behind the wheel and close the door. That door closing is one of the most powerful sounds I’ve ever heard. It wasn’t just my car door closing, but also my heart.
The love, the passion… every feeling I had walled inside me since Hunter, I just closed them back in. I wanted to give them to Julian, but I…I can’t. My hands begin to shake again as I dial my phone. I press number three on my speed dial, close my eyes, and wait…wait for the voice I need.
“Colin Taylor…”
“Daddy? It’s me.” My voice shakes.
“Alexandra, what’s wrong? Where are you?”
“I’m…I’m in my car. I’m going home for the day.”
“You don’t sound right. Do I have to get on a flight and come down there? You know I will make Reed do these depos and I am gone. Alexandra, what happened?”
“No, Daddy…please… Please, just listen. You don’t have to come to me. This was a mistake. Thinking I could come down here and make a new life was a mistake. I’m…I’m coming back to you. It’s time. I’m coming home for good.”
***
She wouldn’t let me follow her. Why wouldn’t she let me?
Asshole! You know why. You know exactly why. You should have called Quinn’s bluff. I only saw the one picture, but the thought of Alexandra being put throug
h all that was worth my misery. Was it worth hers, though? I’ve seen her cry before, but never at my hand. I destroyed her. I destroyed her like I…killed Lainey.
I pour myself a triple scotch and sit on the balcony. The heat is stifling, but I don’t care. Diesel wanders out next to me and nudges my hand with his nose.
“You know I fucked up too, don’t you, buddy? I couldn’t think for myself. I let them manipulate me. They won.” I stroke his head and his paw comes up to my leg. “I wish I could hear what you think. You and Mom, you’re the only ones, besides the one I just chased away, that love me unconditionally.” He licks my hand, as if to reassure me he loves me. With a whine, he lays at my feet in the shade.
I sit there, baking for minutes… hours. I have no idea. The sun has changed position is all I know, and the bottle of scotch is near half gone. I stare down at the roof of her building. I wonder if she’s in there. What is she doing? What is she feeling? I know how she’s feeling, if it’s anything like how I feel. My chest hurts and my heart aches. The scotch is helping, but not quickly or enough. Will it ever? I rub the side of my head and close my eyes. I try and listen to the slight breeze and the birds. I can’t and don’t want to hear the street. I want to pretend I’m back in Savannah. That was the first place things started to make sense again. I was able to forgive myself just a little and be open to the possibility of what if.
The breeze whirls in from another direction and moves my hair. A sweet voice trails on that breeze. “It doesn’t matter how hot it was, you always needed the fresh air to cleanse you.”
Without thinking, I respond, “It never asks questions or makes demands. It just makes it all go away… or at least seem…”
“Easier,” she says.
I hear the word and the voice. It soothes me. Alexandra… Alexandra.
“Jules…”
That one word makes my heart stop. It has the bit of New England in its tone.
“Lainey?” I open my eyes slowly. The sun is blinding me. I can’t fully see her, but I’d know the inflection and lilt in the most crowded of rooms.
