As the newcomer’s eyes widened, Lovina noticed that Aaron looked even more uncomfortable. “Um . . . How are you, John?”
“I’m surprised to see you, that’s how I am. But happy, too.” After shaking both their hands, he turned to his brother. “Karl, why are Aaron and Lovina standing out here on the front porch?”
“They aren’t welcome inside.”
“That’s nonsense!” Looking confused, John opened the door and shuttled them all inside. “What in the world are you talking about? Aaron is family.”
“He is not,” Karl snapped.
As they walked into a small, neat living room with several sheets covering the furniture, Lovina bit her lip so she wouldn’t say anything, but she ached to tell John the whole story.
Her husband looked completely stunned. “John, do you not share Karl’s anger?”
“About what?”
“You . . . You don’t still blame me for Laura Beth’s and Ben’s deaths?”
“What? That was forty years ago. And they were your son and wife! Of course, we don’t blame you. I can’t imagine that you would think we would hold such a grudge.” He rubbed a hand along his graying beard. “Is that why you haven’t stayed in touch?”
Now Karl remained silent, but Lovina could tell he disagreed with his brother completely. And, she realized, it was becoming obvious that he’d been writing to Aaron secretly all this time.
Lovina couldn’t hold her tongue any longer. “For forty years, Karl here has sent Aaron hateful notes, reminding him about their deaths.”
John’s eyes widened. “Can this be true, Karl?”
“They weren’t hateful. There were merely reminders of what happened.”
“As if I could ever forget,” Aaron said dryly.
When John stared at her again, Lovina said, “Every year on the anniversary of their deaths, he’s sent my husband the news clipping of the accident, along with a note that says it’s all his fault.”
John visibly paled. “Please sit down. We need to talk this out.” When Aaron hesitated he said, “For what it’s worth, we haven’t kept in contact because you never answered our letters.”
“I never got any letters from you. I only received Karl’s. I thought all of you felt the same way.”
A shadow appeared in John’s eyes. “It sounds like Karl has done some things we never knew about. Aaron, I, ah . . . I promise you, we all grieved with you. The whole family did. We knew how happy you were together. We knew how happy you made Laura Beth. And you were a wonderful father to Ben.”
Lovina noticed that John was looking very determined to not look at his brother. She hoped that Aaron was noticing it, too. Goodness, could the impossible be true? Had Laura Beth’s family really not been aware of Karl’s hateful notes?
Had they not been feeling the same way as Karl at all?
When she glanced at her husband, she realized that he was stunned.
Well, perhaps it was time to help a bit. “Danke. We’d enjoy visiting with you.” She took a seat on a sofa.
After a moment, Aaron followed. He looked like he was in a daze, but she knew what that was like. It was hard for a man to look at his ghosts up close and personal. And this moment was everything he’d looked forward to and dreaded at the same time.
And after such a long time, there was no choice but to feel awkward and hesitant.
But that was why they’d come on this journey together, she decided. After all this time, it was still possible to face the past. Even discovering that everything hadn’t been quite the way they’d envisioned it to be was worth everything.
The truth always was.
chapter twenty-four
Still groggy after tossing and turning all night, Elsie stayed in bed when her sister rose at dawn.
She lay with her eyes closed as Viola got dressed, neatly plaited her hair, and pinned on her kapp. She didn’t even move when her sister paused at her bedside.
Only when she heard the door close and Viola’s footsteps fade away did Elsie dare to open her eyes.
There, in the hazy light of dawn, she met her imperfections head-on. Almost everything in the room was blurry and out of focus. It was uncomfortable and a bit disconcerting to notice that there was a part of her that still hoped her eyesight would somehow miraculously get better.
Sitting up, she pulled the quilt up around her chest and tried to imagine a different life, or at least a different way of viewing it.
Would she be happier if everything she looked at was perfectly clear?
She wasn’t sure. Did one need perfection for happiness? Or was she simply thinking about things the wrong way? Maybe she should concentrate on the operation itself.
Should she take advantage of science and the doctor’s medical knowledge? God had given scientists and doctors the ability to heal the problem with her eyes. Was it wrong to not want to take advantage of it?
But what if she was afraid to have a transplant surgery? Was that a bad thing? She just didn’t know.
She was still weighing the pros and cons of it all when her door opened and her mother poked her head in. “Elsie?”
“I’m here, Mamm. Just being lazy.”
“I was hoping you’d still be in bed,” she said as she closed the door behind her. “I wanted the chance to talk to you, just the two of us.”
“Oh?”
She sat on the side of Elsie’s bed. “Are you still upset with everyone?”
“I wasn’t upset. I simply wanted to be heard.”
“That seems to be our downfall, ain’t so?” her mother mused. “We are a family of talkers.”
“Some of us are,” Elsie said dryly.
Her mother smiled. “Perhaps. Elsie, there’s no sense in me beating around the bush. I wanted to talk to you about the transplant surgery.”
“Yes?”
“What have you decided to do?”
Surprised to be asked instead of told what to do, Elsie said slowly, “I haven’t made a decision yet.”
“You haven’t?”
She didn’t want to ask her mother for her opinion. After all, she’d just told everyone that she needed to decide this for herself.
But this was her mother, and now that they were sitting alone together, Elsie realized that she needed to hear her mother’s thoughts. “Mamm, what do you think?”
“You know what? I think you were right to say what you did yesterday. In the end, it doesn’t really matter what I want or what I think.”
“I’m sorry I was rude yesterday.”
Her mother laughed softly. “Perhaps you were. But we weren’t listening, you know. Sometimes even the best of us has to lose patience every now and then.”
“I’m ready to listen to you now.”
Fingering the diamond pattern stitched neatly in Elsie’s quilt, her mother murmured, “Well, I will tell you that I have a whole new appreciation for people who struggle with a part of their body that doesn’t work like it should. Having pneumonia made me realize that none of us are as strong as we think we are. I tried to do too much, even when I knew I didn’t feel good.”
She crossed her legs. “And even when I knew I should rest or at least try to get some medicine . . . Instead of doing those things, I pretended I was okay.”
“I’ve done that,” Elsie blurted.
Her mother stilled. “You’ve done what?”
“I’ve pretended that I could see better than I could. I’ve also pretended that I don’t mind not being able to see,” she confessed.
“Here’s the million-dollar question: Does your failing eyesight bother you?”
“Of course it does. And it scares me, too. I get sad when I think about living the rest of my life in the dark.”
“Anyone would feel that way,” her mother soothed. “That is nothing to be ashamed about.”
“I don’t want to live being sad or depressed, Mamm. I want to be the type of person who shows the rest of the world her best. Even if my best is being visually impaired, I don’t want to hide behind my insecurities. I want to shine through in spite of them.”
“It sounds like you’d rather live at peace with your disability than constantly wish for things to be different. ”
Slowly, Elsie nodded. “I’ve spent almost ten years preparing for Dr. Palmer’s diagnosis, Mamm. I had pretty much made peace with it. I mean, I thought I had.”
“Until this very moment, I don’t think I ever truly realized how strong you are, Elsie. You make me so proud.”
The praise was gratifying. But it didn’t change the fact that she had so much to overcome, both inside herself and with her disability.
But perhaps God was showing her yet again that there was no need to be so impatient for everything to be “right.” Here, her mother was patiently listening to her discuss the pros and cons of her future—not pressing her to make a choice right away.
“Elsie, no matter what you decide to do, please don’t forget that you have a whole family who is eager to lend a hand. Not to do things for you, but to help you do them. There’s a difference, you know.”
“I hear you, Mamm.”
She got off the bed and stretched a bit. “Goodness, but I can’t wait until I get my full strength back. I seem to always be so tired.”
“Perhaps you, too, shouldn’t forget to let us help you.”
She chuckled at that. “It seems I need to learn to listen to my advice!”
When Elsie was alone again, she crawled out of bed, then looked around the room, straining her eyes to see through the blurriness. Then, she closed her eyes and turned in a circle, trying to determine how much she would one day miss what little sight she had. For the first time, she relaxed and quit fighting her fear.
As she became more aware of what she could hear, of the air brushing against her bare ankles, she realized that she wasn’t as flustered or upset as she imagined she would be. It was as if her body had already accepted that her eyes didn’t work well and had begun to make up for it in other ways.
She was going to be okay.
With that knowledge came a curious sense of relief. Instead of concentrating on the pressure around her eyes, instead of feeling frustrated and disappointed that she couldn’t do something most others could, she felt curiously free.
Liberated.
As if she’d finally delivered herself into God’s hands.
After they’d left the Swartzes’ house, Lovina and Aaron had gone back to their hotel. For most of the evening, Aaron had stayed particularly quiet, and Lovina let him have his peace.
She imagined it was difficult for him to match the reality of their visit to Karl with what he’d dreaded all this time.
In the morning, over a breakfast of hot biscuits and sausage, eggs and cinnamon rolls, they discussed it some more. “I still can’t believe Laura Beth’s whole family doesn’t hate me,” Aaron confided with a shake of his head. “On our way there, I was prepared to have the door slammed in our faces.”
Lovina thought about that. “You know, Aaron, when you first told me about Laura Beth and Ben, I don’t remember you saying that her whole family blamed you. Was that really the case?”
Looking surprised, he shook his head. “I don’t remember any of them blaming me. Of course, I was so grief-stricken that it was all a blur. But, Lovina, I truly didn’t feel like I had caused the accident.” He paused to sip his orange juice. “You know, it was only after I had received Karl’s letters for years that I began to feel that all of Laura Beth’s family blamed me.”
“Folks say time heals all wounds, but that ain’t always the case, is it?”
“Nee. Sometimes it seems to make those problems even more pronounced and difficult to handle.”
Lovina thought about that. Then she thought about Jack. About how much that boy had meant to her for a brief amount of time . . . and how she’d made his memory into something much different from the way he’d really been.
She knew why she’d exaggerated his good points and minimized his faults over the years, too. She’d needed him to be a better person than he was in order for her to feel better about herself, too.
If she had faced her own faults—that she’d made foolish choices with a boy she hadn’t really known all that well, she’d have to come to terms with the fact that she couldn’t blame anyone other than herself for her pain.
When her husband finished his eggs, he pushed his plate aside. “Are you ready to visit your old neighborhood now?”
“Not especially. I don’t think it will serve any purpose since my parents are in Wisconsin. Plus, the friends I did have drifted off long ago when they discovered the lifestyle I chose.”
“I still think we need to stop by, if for no other reason than you should see your old house.”
“I suppose I would like that,” she mused. “It was a nice home for me.”
Aaron’s gaze softened. “You know, Lovina, I don’t think I ever truly realized the sacrifices you made to leave everything behind. Leaving Pennsylvania and your family was difficult.”
“Leaving it all wasn’t a sacrifice. At least it didn’t feel that way at the time. I wanted to be with you, Aaron.”
“Did you love me back then?”
“I think I did.”
When his eyebrows rose in surprise, she chuckled. “It was a long time ago, Aaron. And, to be truthful, we didn’t know each other all that well. Did you love me when we first married?”
“I wanted to.”
Almost as soon as he said the words, his cheeks started to pinken. He looked embarrassed about his honesty.
But she thought that was probably one of the kindest things he’d ever told her. “This probably won’t make sense, but I feel better about our past now.”
“Really?”
“Jah. Before, I was always sure that I could have done things better, that I could have been a better wife and mother. That I could have made my parents learn to accept me and my decision. But now? I am starting to believe in myself. I’m starting to realize that I really did do the best I could all those years ago. I did my best, and that is all anyone can ever ask for.”
“You were asking for more of yourself than you were able to give,” Aaron said.
“Yes. I was asking for too much from myself . . . and not enough from others.” It was a surprising comment for her to make. But it felt right, too.
“Let’s go see my old haus, Aaron. I’m ready to see it . . . and then to go home to Ohio.”
chapter twenty-five
“Landon, I’m mighty excited to meet your bruder and his wife. Her name’s Edith, didn’t you say?”
Before he could answer, Elsie continued in a rush—the same way she’d been chattering ever since he’d helped her into the buggy. “Oh! And their kinner, of course. They’re twin boys, jah?”
“Jah.” Landon couldn’t help but steal another glance at Elsie as his horse clip-clopped down the nearly empty streets between her family’s home and his brother’s house. Though it was dark outside, the lantern on the back of the buggy cast a glow around them, illuminating Elsie’s smile. She looked so happy—the way he felt inside.
“I think you’re going to like Daniel and his family,” he said easily. “I know they’ll like you.”
“I hope so.”
“I know so,” he countered, just to see her smile again. “We’re almost there. Five minutes at the most.”
When Elsie relaxed against him, he gave in to temptation and glanced at her again.
He was so proud of her. Though she hadn’t mentioned her doctor’s visit or her eye problems once since he’d picked her up, he knew it had to be weighing on her mind. He knew if a doctor had recommended such a surgery to him, it would
be all he could think about or want to talk about.
However, Elsie was made from a different cut of cloth, he thought as he guided the horse up Daniel’s driveway. She obviously wasn’t going to let her worries about the upcoming operation dim her mood.
After pulling the buggy to a stop, Landon walked around to help Elsie out.
“Danke,” she said when he reached her side. “Usually I try to climb down on my own, but I don’t want to risk falling right in front of your brother and sister-in-law.”
“I don’t mind helping you at all,” he said, realizing how much he meant his words. He liked reaching up and resting one of his hands around her waist while taking her hand with the other. Most of all, he liked how she trusted him to help her. It made him feel strong and sure, like he could do most anything.
As he swung her down, he felt her tremble. Was she nervous about meeting his brother? Or, was it for a far different reason? Was she feeling the same tension between them that he was?
When her feet were steady on the ground, he touched her cheek lightly with the pad of his thumb. “Are you okay?”
She looked up at him, her eyes wide. “Jah.”
“Daniel and Edith are easy to get along with. Please don’t be nervous.”
“I won’t be,” she murmured before reaching to pick up her basket filled with rolls from the buggy’s bench seat.
Just as they started toward the door, it opened wide. Then out poured Daniel, Edith, and their twin boys. The boys were barely three and seemed to constantly waver between sticking by their parents’ sides and coaxing each other into mischief.
“Hi, everyone!” Landon called out. “This is Elsie.”
Edith trotted out in front of her boys. “Nice to meet you, Elsie. I’m Edith,” she said with a smile. “Here, let me help you with your basket.”
Before Landon could say another word, the two women were walking into the house together, Edith’s hand curved around Elsie’s elbow. The boys scampered next to them, already asking a dozen questions.
Daniel chuckled as they watched the procession. “And here we thought our women might not get along.”
The Days of Redemption [03] Eventide Page 17
