"There's more where that came from," she said.
"Mair!" I shouted through gritted teeth. "Let's not antagonize our guests."
"All right," said Meaty. "Where are they?"
"Excuse me," I said. "But who are you, exactly?"
"The two women staying here. Where are they?"
"Well, they're right here," I said, pointing to Ning and Somjit, neither of whom seemed the least embarrassed to be standing there in their underwear.
"And the least you can do is allow them to protect their dignity," said Mair.
She pushed past one of the other gray safaris into the room and came out with sheets, which she draped around the grinning co-op ladies. Another safari came back from the carport and whispered into Meaty's ear.
"Enough of this," said the boss. He was obviously used to striking terror into the hearts of people. Arny was off lifting weights at the gym; otherwise I knew he'd be quivering now at all this aggression. The rest of us weren't particularly impressed, but we felt obliged to assume the submissive role of ignorant country folk.
"I want the owner of that Honda, and I want her now," yelled Meaty.
He kicked the fence post in front of the cabin for effect. It shattered into a hundred shards. It was riddled with termites, so that wasn't as impressive as it looked. But the sound woke the dogs, and seeing their pack leader in danger, they came chasing at Meaty from the rear. Theirs, too, was a silent attack. He knew nothing until they were on him. He looked down as these three little dogs ran circles around him barking laughably. They weren't a fearsome pack, and he quite rightly ignored them. Sensing their failure, they lay down on the sand and scratched.
"Well, if you know them, you stay right where you are, mister," said Grandad. "If you're a friend of theirs, you can just pay their bill for them."
"That's right," said Mair with an impressive southern lilt.
"What?" said Meaty.
"Those two stuck-up bitches drive in here with their posh accents and their snobbish airs, stay here for four nights, eat all our food and sleep in our luxury cabins, and the next thing you know, they've gone. Didn't pay a damned baht and wrecked the TV to boot."
Way to go, Grandad.
"When was this?" he asked.
"Sunday morning," I said. "We woke up and they'd gone."
"Why didn't they take the car?"
I hadn't thought that far.
"The heads had seized up in the cylinders," said Grandad. "Happens a lot down here from the salt water. Japanese. What can I say? No idea how to make a decent car."
"And you are?" asked Meaty.
"Retired mechanic," said Grandad. "Stockholder in this establishment."
"I bet they got a bus out to the airport in Surat," I said. "Probably long gone by now."
"Then explain to me why they were still in Pak Nam yesterday?" Meaty asked.
"Those bastards," said Mair. "I bet they're ripping off one of the other resorts now. If only I could get my hands on…
At that moment, one of the safari suits tapped his boss on the shoulder and pointed toward the road. My hero in brown turned into the car park on his police motorbike and headed in our direction. Chompu should have stopped in front of the shop because the sand was soft out by the cabins, so his arrival wasn't as impressive as it might have been. He got bogged down in the sand and fell over sideways. The safari suits exchanged glances while he got himself up.
"They're vandals, officer," said Mair. "Look what they've done with our doors. Arrest them."
"What's going on here?" asked Chompu in a particularly manly voice.
Meaty sized him up, probably deciding whether to shoot him.
"Come with me, Lieutenant," he said and started to walk toward the kitchen block. Chompu stood his ground.
"Tell me why I should be taking orders from you," said Chompu.
"Because you'd be very sorry if you didn't."
Wisely, I thought, Chompu walked a few meters away and stood beside Meaty, who seemed to be getting something out of his pocket. They faced away from us, heads bowed while Meaty spoke in hushed tones. Chompu nodded, then wai'd. When Meaty returned to us, Chompu stayed back as an observer.
"What cabin were the women in?" Meaty asked.
"Two," I said. And one of the safaris went immediately into that room without being told.
"Did they leave anything behind?" asked Meaty.
"A busted TV," said Mair.
The safari came out of the room shaking his head.
"We'll be back," said Meaty. "You're to do nothing. Tell no one about this visit. If the women come back for their car, you'll call this number immediately."
He handed me a card with nothing but a cell phone number on it.
"Mr….?" I said.
The unwanted visitors turned and hurried back toward the car.
"Who's going to pay for all this damage?" Mair shouted.
I squeezed her arm. The car doors slammed, the tires kicked up gravel, and they were gone. The engine sound soon blended into the growl of the surf. I smiled and walked around to each of the members of our cast and squeezed their hands. It had been a creditable ensemble performance. Chompu came over to join us.
"My knight," I said. "Thanks for coming, Chom."
"I'm not sure I helped at all."
"I don't know. They were a scary bunch. Who were they?"
"I've been ordered not to tell you that they were from Special Branch. But some elite faction that deals with- what he referred to as-higher matters."
"You'd better not tell us then."
"Sounds like the gray squad," said Grandad. "They only come out when there's something heavy-duty happening. And if they've been running checks on the banks and the post offices, that's a lot of manpower. Exactly what have your two ladies got themselves tied up in?"
"Exactly what two ladies are we talking about?" asked Chompu.
I'd had very little time to explain the details of our resort resident problem.
"I assume this has nothing to do with the Burmese?" he said.
I remembered Aung.
"The Burmese. Right," I said and I turned my phone back on. "I tell you what, Captain Waew, why don't you brief the lieutenant? We can't have any secrets here now. I reckon we'll have a couple of hours at the most before they've scoured all the resorts and come back here for a second round. We have to get the Noys to a safe house."
"We've got a little house out back," said Somjit of the co-op. "It used to be our grandmother's till the cow fell on her. It's comfortable though. Not much of a hike to the outside toilet."
"They can wear disguises," said Ning.
The girls had no idea what was going on, but they were quick to get into the spirit of things. Even when we'd first dragged them over from the shop and told them the Noys were in danger, they'd been quick to strip off.
"Call them up," said Grandad.
Waew let out an impressive whistle without the use of his fingers, and two of the cockle collectors looked up from beneath their broad cowboy hats. He gestured them over. The Noys walked up the sand wearing the sarongs and
T-shirts the co-op ladies had been wearing earlier. Their cockle dredgers were cardboard election placards. Their shell harvest was unimpressive, but they had survived. All that remained was for them to collect their things from cabin three and prepare their escape. Mair kept watch in case the safaris returned. I dialed Aung.
"Aung. What's up?"
"Where have you been?" he asked. "I've been-"
"You're not my only emergency. Is it Shwe?"
"He called. His battery's very low. They were being herded into a small boat," he said. "I'm not sure, but I think he said the name of the boat had the word AMOR written on one side. He couldn't read the Thai on the other."
"Did he say how many they were?"
"Seventeen. Four women. They'd brought over another bunch from a different holding center."
So, they'd got their new crew. I wondered what had happened to the previou
s one.
"Can you help?" he asked.
"I hope so," I said. "Keep your phone on."
And I clicked off.
I wasn't ready. I needed another day at least. I needed more people. I needed…I needed a miracle. I called Captain Kow.
"What is it?" he said. His voice sounded like rust deep in the back of the phone.
"Where are you?" I shouted.
"Nam Jeud," he said.
"It's started. I know it's short notice, but did you get in touch with anyone?"
"Ha! Started, has it? I haven't got through to everyone yet. I focused on boats around Sawee, like we agreed. My brother's up there."
"Are there any boats out at the moment?"
"This time of day? Not many. Only the squid trapmen checking their traps."
"Are they on walkie-talkie?"
"Normally they wouldn't need to be. They only use the wireless at night to tell each other where the shoals are. The trappers have permanent spots, but the transient boats have to follow the squid."
"But?"
"But, well, there's the karaoke."
"The karaoke?"
"The nights can be a bit long and boring, waiting for squid. And a lot of fisherfolk like to sing. So about a year back we started entertaining each other by crooning over the short wave. And someone came up with the idea of bringing along tape players and singing along with the music. So they-"
"Kow! We've got seventeen people about to be beheaded. Is there a short version of this?"
"Sorry. Almost done. So, every night you'd take your turn to sing. And the M-150 energy-drink people heard about it, and they launched a CB transceiver karaoke competition with cash prizes. The competition's next week and everyone's rehearsing. Night or day we have our channels open. Sing a bit. Get feedback from your mates."
"So what you're telling me is that the trap setters are on air."
"You could say. Them and the night boats."
"Can you contact them?"
"My brother Daengmo can."
Daengmo? Now, why did that name ring a bell?
"All right," I said. "Ask them if anyone saw a small boat leave Sawee before midday. It might be called Amor. At least that's what's written in English…or French. There were seventeen Burmese on board. You can't hide seventeen people in a small boat, so someone must have noticed it. We need to know what direction it was headed. And someone has to get after it."
"I'm on my way," he said.
"Where to?"
"If I can get the headings from Daengmo and the karaoke crowd, I can set a heading to intersect with it. It's all in the angles."
"Are you alone?"
"Yes."
"You have to be careful with these people. How far out before you lose this cell-phone signal?"
"About thirty kilometers unless I'm heading toward the islands."
"Then how do we keep in touch?"
"I'll give you Daengmo's number. I'll use the wireless transmitter. You'll be able to get the bearings from him."
"Kow?"
"Yeah?"
"I'll never forget this."
"I really can't tell you how much of a pleasure it is."
"We'll have reinforcements out there soon. Don't do anything stupid."
"Aye aye."
They really said "aye aye"?
When I went to join Mair in the shop, Captain Waew was just pulling out, with the Noys lying down in the bed of the truck. The co-op ladies were up front. Elain was on a rope on the flatbed. Mair was alone, waving to the monkey.
"Where are all the other ladies?" I asked.
"I sent them home," she said. "I sense danger. Your policeman said he'd call you later. I phoned Arny and told him to come home."
"Arny? Great! Who else would you phone in times of danger?"
"Don't make fun of your brother. He'll be there for you when you need him."
"And where's Grandad?"
"Last time I saw him he was rearranging the flotsam on the beach."
"Why…?"
An engine was gunned; I imagined wheels spinning. We ran down and looked along the beach. The tide was low but still only six meters from the cabins. Grandad Jah had laid out a long bridge of bamboo down the sand to the water's edge. It seemed rather pointless, considering the incoming tide would wash it all away before…
A roaring Honda City leaped from the carport, gained traction from the bamboo, and sped off over the bridge and into the water. I saw the grinning flash of Grandad's face as it vanished behind the splash. It had traveled fifteen meters at speed before the wheels began to spin in the sand and the Honda came to a standstill. Only the roof was visible above the waves. I raced into the surf, dismissing my water phobia as trivial compared to the love of my grandfather. But as the water began to crash against my waist, the fear waxed and the love waned. By the time I reached the Honda and the current was forcing me back it, occurred to me that I'd never really been that fond of him. Even so, some insanity saw me pinching my nose with my fingers and ducking my head beneath the surface. I opened my eyes and a stinging wash of salt filled them with pain. Everything was blurry. I pushed my head in through the open window. The cab was empty.
I burst, spluttering, into the atmosphere and looked around me for the floating corpse of my beloved relative. He was standing beside Mair on the beach, the bastard. I was furious. I wanted to stomp back to him, but the water was buffeting me around like laundry. By the time I washed up on the beach, I was out of breath and out of ire.
"What," I huffed, "was that all about?"
He came over to my supine body and crouched down in one of those impossible country squats.
"I've had an idea," he said.
"Please share it."
"Well, in an hour or so the tide will be fully up and the car will be invisible from the beach. We have the phone number of the Special Branch fellow. So, we give him a call and tell him the car's gone. We hint that the Noys came back and drove it off. And they'll spend the rest of the day, perhaps even the rest of the week, scouring the country for this car. We'll be out of the loop."
"And what happens if they come back at low tide when the car's visible?"
"We can drape it with weed and make it look like something being washed up."
"And what about you-an ex-mechanic-telling them the pistons are seized up?"
"A miracle. The floodwater from the river rinsed out all the salt and the thing started working."
It didn't sound at all plausible, but Grandad Jah had that senile look so they'd probably put it down to dementia. And it was good to get one emergency off the front burner for a while.
"OK," I said. "Crazy but acceptable."
While I was telling them about the Burmese in Sawee, Arny and Gaew pulled up on her Harley, so I had to start all over again. When Ex-Police Captain Waew returned from concealing the Noys, I had to tell him too. After three times of telling it didn't sound any more hopeful.
"So what are we supposed to do?" asked Grandad.
"I have a plan," I said, and told him about Captain Kow and the small-boat squid men.
"That good-for-nothing wastrel couldn't organize fluff in a belly button," said Grandad. "I'm not putting my life in his hands."
"All right, stop it. Stop it now," said Mair. "I've just about had enough of you insulting Kow. Either you button your lip or I'll punch it."
She looked furious, and I'd never seen my grandfather back down to her like he did at that moment, but I could sense some friction between father and daughter. There was too much going on around us to follow up on it, but I put a mental yellow Post-it sticker against that moment.
Gaew it was who brought us all back to practicalities.
"We need a boat," she said.
"That's right," said Mair, still glaring at Grandad. "We do."
A boat. Right. It was the one aspect of this mission that I'd tried to drown in my subconscious. As the leader, I could hardly send them all out into the deep ocean and wave my handkerchief fro
m the quay. But I was petrified by the very thought of having nothing but a wooden plank between me and Davy Jones.
"We've got to get out there as soon as we can and help those poor people," said Arny, pushing his big chest ahead of him.
Actually, Arny was every bit as scared of the water as me. We'd both had life-threatening experiences in water that I won't go into now. But Arny had an image to project here, and if it involved wrestling sharks, I felt there was no turning back for him.
"Now, who do we know with a boat?" said Mair.
Actually, we lived in a fishing village. Everyone we knew owned or had access to a boat. What she was really asking was who would be dumb enough to lend us one so we could go and get it riddled with machine-gun bullets.
"Ed," said Arny.
"No," said I.
"Why not?" asked Grandad. "He's got a fine new boat. Just finished it a week ago."
"Look, just not Ed, all right?" I said. "Then give us an alternative," said Grandad. The effects of the antidepressant had abated some. I still felt a tickle when I thought of the male musculature, but I was no longer in heat. I was left with only the shame of the erotic thoughts that had forced me onto our grass cutter. I understood all those addicts who woke up in the bodies of complete strangers and lived those strangers' lives badly. If we didn't all die at the hands of slavers or government agents, I vowed I would volunteer at the local drug clinic. I acknowledged my addiction. I am Jimm and I'm a recovering sex addict.
Mair was talking on Amy's cell phone. When she finished, I asked, "Who was that?"
"Ed," she said.
"Mair, we're a team," I said. "Teams consult. Teams don't ignore the opinion of their daughters. What did he say?"
"He's on his way."
"Chom, thanks for this afternoon. Can you speak?"
"Do you mean, have I learned the fundamentals, or am I in a position to discuss the illiterate ape I share my office with?"
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