by Parker, Ali
I’d lost him. I’d lost the man I cared for and someone I considered to be a good friend, a companion.
I wanted to help Xander. I wanted to know he was okay. I was terrified for him. I hated to think he was alone. I was imagining all kinds of things. I did have an active imagination. It was why I was so good at my job. In this situation, that imagination was not working well for me. I pictured him alone in a dark room, sad and distraught and hating himself.
I knew the relationship between him and his father was strained. Who did he have to turn to? Who was going to be there for him? I was probably giving myself too much credit by thinking he needed me. He didn’t need me. The man had lived his entire life without me and had done just fine.
With the day coming to an end and still no word from Xander, I felt like I was going out of my mind. I needed some distance from the situation. I needed guidance. I drove to the bar, knowing Nelle would know what to do. She would talk me through the craziness I was feeling.
“Hi,” she said with a soft smile when I slid onto my barstool.
“Hi,” I said on a long sigh.
“Do you want a drink?”
I shook my head. “Just a diet coke please. I don’t trust myself to day drink.”
“What’s going on?” she asked as she handed me my drink.
“He’s gone.”
She froze, her hand pausing mid-wipe on the bar. “The last time you used that phrase, you were telling me someone died. Please don’t tell me that’s what you’re saying now.”
“No, not that kind of gone,” I told her. “Xander is gone. He didn’t show up for a very, very important meeting this morning. Something is wrong. He would never miss that meeting. He’s been working day and night to prepare for the presentation. Something isn’t right.”
“His brother died,” she answered. “He needs time. I would think that would be a given.”
“He didn’t cancel the meeting. People flew in from all over to be there and he stood them up. That isn’t normal. He would never do that.”
She didn’t look worried. “I’m sure he has a lot on his mind. It isn’t really all that surprising that he would forget something like that.”
I wasn’t buying it. “Not Xander. He isn’t like that. He’s been consumed with this project. He wouldn’t just forget it.”
“Maybe he blew it off on purpose.”
“Why would he do that?”
She shrugged. “People do crazy things when they’re grieving. They can be irrational. Have you left him a voicemail? Texted him?”
I gave her a dry look. “Gee, why didn’t I think of that?”
“Don’t get snarky,” she said with a laugh. “I was only making sure.”
“I’ve been calling him since yesterday and have not gotten an answer, which isn’t surprising considering his phone is at the bottom of his pool.”
“It’s at the bottom of his pool?”
“Yes.”
“Then why did you call him?”
“I didn’t know it was in the pool when I called,” I explained.
“I’m so confused.”
I looked away. “I kind of broke into his house.”
Her brows shot up. “You did what?”
“I was worried,” I defended.
“You broke into his house? Since when did you become a felon?”
I shrugged a shoulder. “His gate was locked. I figured he was holed up inside. I really wanted to see him. I wanted to make sure he was okay.”
“How did you get in if the gate was locked?”
“I used the beach stairs and found a kitchen window unlocked.”
“Wow. Breaking and entering. You are really taking things seriously.”
I rubbed my fingers against my temples. “I’m so worried about him. He was not in a good way when I left on Saturday. He was distraught but not distraught, if you know what I mean. Like he was very robotic. He shut down and pushed me away. He wants nothing to do with me.”
“He’s hurting,” she answered.
“I know but I can help.”
“Evie, you know men are not like women. They don’t want to talk about their feelings. They don’t want to hash it out or cry it out.”
It was not what I wanted to hear. “But he’s hurting. It’s his brother. His little brother. He loved his brother. In his eyes, he lost his only family. It would be like me losing my dad. I cannot even imagine what that would be like. I just want to wrap my arms around him and hold him close.”
“Oh, sweetie, I know you do. He’ll come around.”
“I don’t even know where he is!”
“Evie, I’m sure he went home to be with his father,” she said, sounding so perfectly reasonable.
“But they don’t get along,” I said.
“I think in this situation, they need each other.”
“The look on his face…” I trailed off, flashing back to the moment he heard about his brother’s death. It gutted me every time I thought about it.
Xander was this big, tough man who rarely showed much emotion. In that moment, he looked like he had been cut in two. He was torn apart but didn’t know how to say it.
“I’m sorry,” Nelle said. “I can’t imagine how hard it must be to feel so helpless.”
She had no idea. “And now he’s gone. He wants nothing to do with me. He’s gone and that’s that.”
She rolled her eyes. “And you’re just going to give up?”
“He’s made his feelings abundantly clear.”
“Would you want him to give up if the situation was reversed?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Would you want him to be there for you if you lost someone important in your life? Imagine you lost your father. Can you imagine getting through it without him to lean on?”
That hit home. “No. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t want to be alone, but it’s different.”
“He might not know what it’s like to have someone. He doesn’t know what he’s missing.”
I groaned. “But I can’t make him want my help.”
“Evie, I know you, like really, really know you. You broke into the man’s house, and now you’re going to throw up your hands and walk away? That does not sound like you. Pity Party, party of one, sitting right here.”
“I’m not giving up, but I’m not going to make things worse for him.”
“Oh, you mean by being there for him? Being a shoulder to lean on? You don’t want to make his life worse by taking care of him and making sure he eats and sleeps and takes care of himself. Absolutely. You’re right. Leave him hanging out there all by himself. That’s clearly the better choice.”
“Your sarcasm is not appreciated,” I said, pouting. “I don’t know what to do. He pushed me away. Twice.”
She reached for my hand. “I know, and while I’m sure that stung a little, I seriously doubt he means any of it. He’s a wounded beast. You’re the right person to help him settle. You’re the woman that can heal his heart.”
“I think I might have misjudged where things were going with us,” I told her. “I had this idea we were an actual couple. I think I was wrong. He only ever saw me as a friend with benefits. I jumped to conclusions.”
“Wrong.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I know you,” she said. “You wouldn’t have fallen head over heels for this guy if you didn’t think he cared for you as well.”
I worried my lower lip. “It felt like it,” I whispered. “I have to believe there was something. It was more than friends. I know it was.”
“You are using past tense. Don’t give up. Go to him.”
“I can’t do that,” I groaned.
“I know it’s scary, and I know it hurt when he rejected you, but he is worth it, isn’t he?”
He absolutely was worth it. “Yes.”
She smiled. “I guess you have your answer.”
“But that doesn’t change the fact I don’t know where he is. He
isn’t answering his phone. Even if I want to help, there’s little I can do.”
She slapped her fingers on the bar. “Dammit, you are acting so defeated. You broke into his house. That tells me you are a resourceful girl. Find him.”
“That is a little easier said than actually done. I’m not the FBI. I can’t run his credit cards. I know he’s in Oregon, but that is a really big state.”
“Think about the little clues he has dropped during the time you’ve been together. I’m sure he gave you an idea.”
I thought long and hard. “The coast.”
She grinned, her eyes sparking with excitement. “There you go. Look at you, playing Miss Detective. You missed your true calling in life.”
I felt a little better. Not a lot, but a little better and more confident I would be successful in my quest to find him. “Thanks. I was kind of losing my shit for a minute there.”
She burst into laughter. “Yeah, you think?”
“I might have it narrowed down, but there are still thousands of places he might be.”
“Start with the dad,” she offered.
I wrinkled my nose. “I’m not sure he would go there. He might visit, but I am pretty sure that relationship is not the kind that would result in him staying with his father.”
“So hotels.”
“Just a few thousand, right?” I said dryly.
“I bet you are up for the challenge,” she said with a grin. “You were always good at tackling big problems. Make a little spreadsheet or whatever it is you do and go from there.”
I rolled my eyes. “It isn’t quite that easy.”
“It isn’t supposed to be easy. You are saving a man from himself. That is going to be tough, but you can do it.”
I mulled it over, trying to dig deep. Suddenly, a light bulb went off. I checked the time and hopped off the stool. “I have to go.”
“Where?”
I smiled. “I know where to find him, or rather, I know how to find him, but it’s going to take a lot of finesse and probably a great deal of begging to get the information. I’ll call you later.”
I rushed out of the bar, hoping I could make it before he left. I drove straight to the college, knowing my dad was teaching a summer class. Hopefully, he would be in his office. If not, I was going to have to beg him to return.
I practically ran down the hall to his office. I slapped my open hand against the door and pushed it open without waiting for him to invite me in. “Dad!”
He jumped up from where he was sitting behind his desk. “What’s wrong? What is it? Are you okay?” He rushed toward me, his hands grabbing my shoulders as he studied my face.
“No, I’m fine. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
He sighed. “Thank god. What are you doing here?”
“I need a favor. A huge favor.”
“Anything you need, I’m here to help.”
I smiled and closed the office door. “I was hoping you would say that.”
Chapter 49
Xander
I parked the rental car on the opposite side of the street from the funeral home. I got out and leaned against the driver’s side door. A steady stream of mourners made their way inside. I had spotted my dad’s car when I drove by the first time. He was one of the first to arrive. Technically, I was first but I never stopped the car. I had been circling the funeral home for an hour.
I couldn’t bring myself to go inside. It wasn’t like I would be viewing his body. There would be a big picture of him smiling.
No, that wasn’t right. My father would have chosen a photo of him in his uniform. His celebration of life would be more of a celebration of his military career, something I was not a part of. I didn’t understand a lot of it. I certainly didn’t share in the joy of being a military man.
A young woman wearing a very small black dress openly sobbed. I didn’t recognize her. Hell, I didn’t recognize most of the people making their way into the home. I didn’t feel like I belonged. I felt like I was an intruder at my brother’s funeral.
There was no point in waiting any longer. I owed it to Kade to make an appearance. I had wrestled with going and not going for days. I was going. I needed to say goodbye, and doing it at the funeral seemed like the only way I could do that.
Preparing to walk across the street, I cleared my throat and threw my shoulders back, but that was as far as I got. I stood frozen in the middle of the sidewalk. The funeral would make it real. Part of me had been hovering in denial, not denying he was dead but refusing to cope with it. If I didn’t admit it, I wouldn’t have to think about it. I wouldn’t hurt if I didn’t acknowledge it.
A hand rested on my lower back. I immediately spun around to find out who dared to touch me.
“Evie?” I said with shock and disbelief.
“Hi,” she said with a small smile.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to be with you,” she answered.
“But how? How did you find me?”
“That’s not important. I’m here for you.”
I didn’t know what to think of her presence exactly, but I was glad she was there. “Thank you.”
“Do you want to go in?” she asked.
“I have to,” I said.
“You don’t have to do anything, but I think you will be glad you did.”
“This isn’t going to be pretty,” I warned her. “You should know I was uninvited to this.”
Her eyes widened. “Oh no. I’m so sorry. He’s your brother. No one can tell you not to show up.”
I smirked. “My dad certainly didn’t mind saying it.”
“I’m here for you. I’m your ally.”
“Thanks. You are probably the only one.”
“I don’t mind,” she assured me.
“I still want to know how you found me,” I said. Yes, I was stalling.
She winked. “We can talk about that later. I think there is something more important than that right now.”
“I have a lot of questions and we are absolutely going to talk about it.”
She reached for my hand. “Ready?”
“Can I apologize for what is about to happen now?” I muttered. “This is not going to be a happy family reunion. My dad has no filter. He says what he feels, and I can assure you, he isn’t feeling good about me being in the same state with him right now.”
“I’m fine. I can handle a crotchety old man. He’s grieving. I’ll give him a free pass.”
I gripped her hand and began to walk toward the entrance. “He is a crotchety old man every damn day.”
“I’ll hang out in back,” she said. “I will be there as an unseen safety net for you and you alone. I’m here for you.”
Her words hit me hard. I had never felt so cared for. My mother had been a wonderful woman, but her allegiance was to my father. Evie was loyal to me, which made me feel worthy. My dad didn’t give two shits about me and the pain I was suffering, but she did. We got in line with the other mourners. I didn’t recognize anyone.
The number of uniforms inside the main lobby area was staggering. Seeing all of them looking somber and yet proud hit me hard. I actually stumbled backward. Evie was right there for me. She held my hand a little tighter. I took a deep breath and pulled myself together.
My father was standing between the two double doors that opened into the chapel area. He looked old. He didn’t immediately see me, giving me the chance to study him. He was putting on a good show, but I could see the pain in his eyes.
He shook hands, offered smiles, and greeted old friends with a slap on the shoulder. Then he saw me.
“I thought we talked about this,” he growled in a low voice.
I stood in front of him with Evie by my side. “You talked.”
His eyes slid to Evie, giving her one of those hard stares he’d perfected during his days of training young Navy men and women. “You brought your latest flavor of the month to your brother’s funeral?” he spat.<
br />
I felt Evie flinch. “She is here for me.”
He didn’t look pleased. “I always knew you were selfish, but this is a step up for you. It’s disrespectful and I will not tolerate it.”
“Evie is my girlfriend. She and I will be going in and you will give her the respect she deserves. You have no beef with her.”
He sneered, showing his true colors. “She obviously doesn’t know you.”
“I know him quite well,” she said calmly.
“Don’t,” I warned when he opened his mouth. “You can hate me. You can say what you want about me, but she does not deserve your hatred.”
He shot me one last glare but didn’t get a chance to say anything nasty. Someone approached him to offer their condolences, freeing me from being trapped in a back and forth with him. Evie led me away.
The moment I stepped through the doors into the packed chapel area, I saw his picture on a massive screen above a platform that was littered with flower arrangements. I didn’t move. I stared at the picture of him smiling and wearing his BDUs.
It felt like he was looking directly at me. My heart lurched as I looked into my brother’s smiling eyes. A sound escaped my throat.
Evie dropped my hand and put an arm around my shoulders. With a strong but gentle force, she began to lead me down the aisle toward the front row.
“No,” I said, pulling back. “Not there.”
“You are family. You should sit in the front row.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. I don’t want to. I prefer to be in the back.”
“Okay,” she answered without pushing the issue.
I led the way to the far corner of the room. There were no seats available. I didn’t care. I preferred to stand. I wasn’t sure I would be able to make it through the entire funeral. I didn’t want to disrupt it if I got up to leave. Evie stood beside me, her shoulder rubbing against my upper arm as we leaned against the wall.
I couldn’t take my eyes off the image on the screen. It wasn’t a picture I had seen before. It looked fairly recent, which told me it was likely from his most recent deployment. When the funeral director began to speak, I tuned out. I didn’t want to hear all the generic phrases that were recycled for every funeral.
