by Parker, Ali
I stared at her. “Did you read that on the back of a magazine or something?”
“Nope, I just made it up. Well, it’s a twist on something else I’ve heard, but it’s still real. This might be your moment. This might be the moment you change your life. You might be staring at your crossroads.”
“My crossroads?” I questioned.
“Yes. Go left, and it’s the road you know. The road that keeps you here and at your job. The road on the right takes you down the bumpy road with Xander. It’s filled with uncertainty, but it includes him.”
“When you put it like that, I’m going to say I’m leaning left.”
She nodded and licked her lips. “I get it.”
The way she said it told me she didn’t get it. “You have to tell me what’s on your mind. I can see you have something you want to say. Just get it off your chest.”
“Okay, I’ll say it. You love your job more than Xander.”
My mouth dropped open. “What? That’s harsh!”
She offered a smug look. “Is it true?”
“I don’t know. I can’t make that kind of a decision. I don’t have all the facts. I don’t know if it’s something he’s even interested in. I’m not going to invite myself into his life. Not now.”
“Your loss,” she said.
It would be my loss but there wasn’t much I could do about it. He had his own idea about the future and I was sure I was not part of it. “I know and I’m not looking forward to that loss, but I can’t push him. I don’t want to push him. What kind of relationship would that be? He would eventually feel like I was bullying him into being with me. That’s not really how I want to win a man.”
She shrugged. “I think you have to chase what you want. Sometimes, you have to bonk the object of your affection over the head. I think the cavemen were on to something.”
That brought a smile to my face. “That is quite the image.”
“I should probably get going. I need to catch up on my laundry.”
“Don’t lie,” I teased. “You’re going home to watch Vampire Diaries.”
She giggled. “You know me so well.”
“You are so predictable. How many times have you seen that stupid show?”
“I will never grow tired of watching my man,” she said with that familiar dreamy look on her face whenever she spoke of the blue-eyed man that had captured her heart some ten years ago.
“Thank you for picking me up.”
“You’re welcome. I know I can’t tell you what to do because you are not going to listen, but I would strongly suggest you call him. Drop hints. Make it clear you are his to do with as he pleases.”
“Uh, not a chance in hell,” I told her.
“Fine, then drop subtle hints that you would consider leaving everything behind to be with him.”
I rolled my eyes. “You just don’t give up.”
“Nope, because I know this guy will make you very happy.”
“He hasn’t given me that idea,” I retorted.
“He will.”
I playfully pushed her out the door before closing it behind her. I leaned against the door, resting my forehead against it. I wanted to do what she said but I wasn’t that brave. Telling him how I felt would make me vulnerable. I had already put myself out there once. While he was nice about it, he didn’t necessarily say much.
He never invited me to stay with him. I knew him well enough to know if he wanted me to stay with him, he would have asked. We had spent a wonderful night together but that was all I could ask of him. I couldn’t push myself on him. I had some pride.
Chapter 55
Xander
I slowly pushed the lever, opening the throttle on my new boat. It was a ridiculous splurge and nothing that I needed but I wanted it. It was one of those things that just came to me in the middle of the night. Evie had teased me about my old boat. She was right. I could buy anything I wanted. I loved boats. I used to look at some of the other boats in the marina and get boat envy. Why was I envious when I could go and buy exactly what I wanted? And that was exactly what I did.
The wind blew across my face, sending a cold chill over me. I was still adjusting to the cooler weather. Not adjusting. I didn’t want to adjust. I wasn’t staying in Oregon. I was going to move on. I just wasn’t sure where. I felt like a man without a home. Technically, I did have a home, but it didn’t feel like my home.
I thought about Evie as the boat slowly bobbed up and down with a gentle sway. We had only spoken a few times since she left. There were plenty of texts between us, but it wasn’t the same. I could feel us drifting apart.
Not seeing her was difficult. I wanted her in my arms. In my bed.
The idea of not seeing her again was weighing heavily on my mind. I wanted her, but I didn’t want to be in California. She loved her work. I couldn’t possibly ask her to leave it behind. There was a huge divide between us and I didn’t know how to fix it. No, not true. I knew how to fix it, but I didn’t want to do that. I wanted the best of both worlds. I wanted my cake and my ice cream too.
My phone began to ring. I patted the pockets of the cargo pants I was wearing until I found the thing. “Hello?” I answered, hoping it would be Evie.
It wasn’t. “Where are you?” Charlie’s voice came through loud and clear.
I sighed, shaking my head. It was the same fucking question he asked me every single day. He called me every day, and every day, it was the same conversation. “I’m out on my boat.”
“Head in,” he ordered.
“Why would I do that?”
“Because I’m sitting on the dock waiting for you.”
I didn’t know why, but I turned to look behind me in the general direction of the marina. I couldn’t see the marina, but I was trying to picture him there. “What dock?” I questioned.
“The dock from which you left,” he said dryly.
“In Oregon?”
“Yes. Holy shit, did you lose a few brain cells or what? Get your ass back here. We are going to talk face to face.”
“Are you really here or are you just fucking with me?”
“I’m really here. Get your ass over here and you’ll see for yourself.”
I grinned, happy to lay eyes on him. “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes or so.”
“Hurry your ass up.”
I slid the phone back in my pocket and hit the throttle. I was looking forward to seeing a friendly face. I truly didn’t realize how much I missed my old life until he said he was there. I pulled into my reserved slip, and sure enough, there he was.
I shut off the engine and quickly tied up the boat before climbing onto the dock. “I have a lot of questions but let me say it sure is good to see you.”
“Bullshit. If it was good to see me, you wouldn’t be holed up in this tiny place. You would be back in San Diego where you belong.”
“But you are here now,” I said, choosing to ignore his comment.
“What’s this?” he asked and nodded his head at the boat.
“Um, well, we call it a boat,” I said with lots of sarcasm.
“Don’t be an asshole. Did you buy this?”
“I didn’t steal it.”
He frowned. “I’m glad to see you think this is all funny.”
“I don’t think it’s funny.”
“You bought a new boat? Or did you rent it?”
I looked at the boat in question. “I bought it.”
“Why?”
“Why not? There’s some great fishing out here. Do you want to go out?”
He shrugged. “You may as well show me since I’m here. You’re not going to get rid of me until we talk.”
“We are talking. Come on. I’ve got extra poles already on the boat.”
He climbed aboard. “Damn, this is nice.”
“Thanks.”
“You splurged,” he said with surprise. “A lot.”
“I know. I saw it and decided I wanted it.”
“It�
�s very unlike you,” he commented.
“I’ll grab us a couple of beers,” I said.
I jogged downstairs, grabbed two cold beers from the fridge, and headed back up. Charlie was checking out the boat, running his hand over the control panel.
“Nice,” he said.
“Thanks.”
I fired it up and headed out. I found a place to set anchor and throw our lines in the water. I settled in one of the chairs that resembled barstools. Charlie was in the other. I knew he was there to lecture me. I was ready for it.
“Want to tell me why you’re really here?” I asked.
“I would think that would be clear.”
“You think I should be back in San Diego,” I said.
“Yes.”
“Are you taking a few days off?”
He grunted. “You could say that.”
“What does that mean?”
“Look, I know you’re going through some shit and I’ve tried to give you some time. I don’t know if that was the right thing to do. I think I have given you too much time. I should have stepped in earlier.”
“Stepped in? Is this an intervention?”
“I think we are past that stage,” he muttered.
“Then what brings you up here? I don’t get the feeling you’re here for a friendly visit.”
He let out a long breath. “I’m hoping I could appeal to your good sense,” he said.
“My good senses are fine,” I told him. “I’m embarking on a new stage in my life.”
“What about the rest of us?”
I shrugged. “Why does what I do matter? I’m not asking you to do anything. This is what I have to do.”
“Your design for the new rudder system was one of the hottest topics in our world. My company beefed up our maintenance and install teams. We ordered the tools and equipment that would be needed to retrofit the older ships. All we were waiting for were the orders. We knew they would come once you gave your presentation. We already had a few companies in line, ready to send us their ships to be outfitted with your new design. And then you bailed. You left all of us hanging.”
“I didn’t mean to cause anyone any trouble,” I told him, feeling the bite of his anger.
“No, I know you didn’t. That’s not how you are. You are generous and responsible, and you have always thought about others.”
“And you are saying I’m not doing that now?”
He didn’t immediately answer, which told me that was exactly what he was saying. “I’m saying I’m grateful to you for everything you have done for me. Not just for me, but my entire crew. My bosses have gotten very rich because of your designs.”
“Because you have become an expert at building them,” I pointed out.
“I have and that has made me a lot of money. I’m only an expert because you let me into your head. You explained it all to me. I wouldn’t be where I was without you. You made it possible for me to get my job and then rise in the ranks. I had inside information and that made me valuable.”
I frowned. “I did not make you valuable. You are valuable all on your own. I’m just the guy that sends you an idea. You make it come to life.”
“Not just me. A lot of guys are involved in that process.”
“I’m not sure what you’re trying to say. Why beat around the bush? Spit it out.”
“I’m saying I’ve got a lot of guys that were depending on the work that was going to be coming in. We’ve got some stuff to keep them busy for the next thirty days or so, but if we don’t get any new contracts, I have to let them go.”
I slowly wound in my line. “You’re saying I am to be blamed for those people losing their jobs in a month?”
“I don’t want to put it on your shoulders, but it is mostly where the blame belongs. You got me hyped about that retrofit. You got the entire shipping world hyped. Everyone knew it was going to be good. Everyone was ready to jump on it the moment you made it official. Everyone was just waiting for the moment you made it available. Without you, a wonderful idea dies.”
“I’m sure you could pick up where I left off,” I told him.
He scoffed. “I would like to think I could, but I can’t. I might be able to finagle something similar, but it wouldn’t be a Xander Holland design. People trust you. They trust your name. They don’t want the grease monkey presenting shit to them.”
“You are not a grease monkey,” I retorted.
“I am and I’m proud of it. I fix. I don’t design. That’s your half of this very lucrative relationship we had going. I’m going to be fine whether you come back or not. I have plenty of work, but the extra crew? They don’t. They are going to be the ones going back to the unemployment office.”
“I’m sorry,” I told him. “I didn’t mean to disrupt your life or theirs. What I’m doing is about me. I don’t think I can handle thinking about what is best for anyone else right now.”
“You don’t have to worry about what’s best for them, but you do need to think about the ripple effects your decisions have. You walk away from your company, assuming that’s what you are doing, and the dominoes start to fall.”
“I’m not walking away from my company,” I told him.
“Are you sure about that? When is the last time you checked in with anyone?”
“They know I am taking a sabbatical. The company isn’t going under. The designs are there. All they have to do is sell the damn things.”
He was quiet for several minutes. “Man, you are really struggling, aren’t you?”
“Why do you say that?”
“Dude, you abandoned your life. That is some crazy shit. That’s the kind of thing someone does when they’re having some kind of breakdown. I’m not saying it’s bad. I’m saying I’m here. I can help you through this.”
I groaned and cast my line into the water again. “You sound like Evie.”
“The two people in your life that are closest to you are telling you the same thing. That’s pretty telling, don’t you think? Shouldn’t you maybe give what we are saying just a little consideration?”
“I get it. I know I left a few people in the lurch. I’ll send them all checks. I’ll compensate everyone for their time or whatever. This is about me figuring out what works for me.”
In the back of my mind, I couldn’t get the image of guys going home to their families and telling them the new job they just got was gone. I didn’t want to be the cause of someone’s pain. I didn’t want to dump a bunch of stress on a guy just trying to do right by his family.
I had a feeling Charlie knew that, which was why he told me. He was tugging at my heartstrings. It was nothing short of a miracle that he didn’t pull out pictures of crying kids to drive home the point.
My choices had consequences. This was one of the downsides to being wealthy and owning a company. It wasn’t just me I had to worry about.
Chapter 56
Evie
I couldn’t shake the heavy feeling on my heart and mind. I missed Xander. Each day he stayed away served as confirmation our relationship was not what I thought it was.
He had his own life. He was making plans and moving on. His plans did not include me. I did believe he felt something for me, but it wasn’t enough to bring him back to me.
“You look like you haven’t been sleeping,” my father said.
I looked across the table and offered a small and what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “I’ve been working a lot.”
“I don’t think that’s the reason for your lack of sleep. If anything, you would sleep like a baby after a long day at work.”
“I have a lot on my mind,” I said with a sigh.
He sipped his tea. I could never understand how he could drink hot tea on a hot day. “Do you want to tell me what happened? You’ve been so busy—or maybe you’ve been avoiding me—you never told me if you found Xander.”
“I found him,” I said. My mind flashed back to the moment I found him at the funeral. Then to the night in th
e hotel.
“I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess things didn’t go well.”
“They went fine.”
“Then why do you look like your world is caving in on you?” he asked.
I studied his face. “Why are you asking? You don’t even like him.”
He smirked, sipping his tea. “I don’t like him. My opinion of him hasn’t changed.”
“Then we don’t have to talk about this,” I told him. “I cannot stand fighting with you right now. I don’t have the energy.”
“I’m your father. I care about you. I want to know what’s bothering you. You can talk to me about your problems.”
I took a bite of the pie I’d ordered after our lunch. I was eating my feelings and I didn’t give a shit what that meant. Chocolate cream pie was exactly what I needed. “All right, I’ll tell you but please don’t judge me.”
“You have my word,” he said.
“I found him. I went to the funeral with him. His father and him have a horrible relationship. It was sad and crushed my soul to see him as an outsider at his own brother’s funeral. He didn’t make it through the whole thing. He chose to go back to his hotel by himself. I had to let him go.”
He looked pained. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for him. No one should go through that.”
“The following day, he did seem to rebound a little. We explored the town and enjoyed a nice lunch, followed by an even better dinner.”
His knowing smile left me blushing a little. “It sounds like you two enjoyed your time together.”
“We did.”
“Then why do you look like hell?”
I scowled at him. “Dad, you are not supposed to say that to a woman.”
“You have circles under your eyes and you look exhausted. What happened?”
“He didn’t come home to San Diego. He isn’t coming home. Everything I thought we had is slowly fading away. He says he wants to have a relationship with me, but I can feel it slipping away. I’m busy and he has found things to do to occupy his time. The few times we do talk, the conversations are getting shorter and feel more stilted. I know it’s only a matter of time before it fades away completely. We didn’t have a solid foundation to begin with. There is nothing holding us together.”
