“Okay.”
She stood up and rounded the desk, pulling me in for a hug. It was exactly what I needed.
“I’m sorry I put you in a difficult position,” I mumbled into her lavender hair. She’d dyed it while I was away. It used to be the pink of cotton candy.
“What are you talking about?” she asked, releasing me.
“All the texts and the e-mails while I was gone.”
“Oh, that. I’m the one who harassed you, not the other way around, so you have nothing to apologize for.”
“Still, you’re Hayden’s friend. I didn’t want to jeopardize your relationship with him; it’s why I didn’t respond at first.” It took five days of nonstop messages before I messaged her back. If Hayden had done the same thing, I would have folded much sooner.
“Hayden’s like my brother. We’re pretty solid. Besides, someone needed to keep tabs on you.”
“Is that what you were doing?”
“You bet. You came back right on time. I already had my road trip planned if you hadn’t shown up by the end of this week.” While a hint of teasing was in her tone, I had a feeling she was serious about coming to retrieve me.
“How did he find out about the messages?”
“Sunday night we were checking your e-mail to Cassie, and he saw it. He wasn’t happy. He told us all to fuck ourselves and tried to walk home from her house.”
“Oh my God.” It put our recent conversations into perspective; the sense of betrayal would have been fresh.
“He’ll get over it.”
“I hope so.”
“You’re okay, though? Everything in Arden Hills is settled now?”
“I still have to deal with my parents’ house, but there’s no hurry and I’m not ready yet. But for the most part, things are taken care of.”
Frank had been in touch to assure me the business end of the house deal went smoothly. Trey hadn’t tried to contact me since I’d walked out. The bruises on my wrists had faded, and in a couple of days they’d be just a memory.
“I’m glad. If you want to talk about it, I’m here. In the meantime, I’ve got some stuff to show you.”
I appreciated that while Lisa had been persistent in keeping in touch, she hadn’t pushed for information or explanations. She only wanted to ensure I was okay. She led me out of the office and into the private piercing room. She locked the door before she pulled out a tray of jewelry.
“I just got back and you want to coerce me into more steel?”
“Coercion is hardly necessary with you.” She uncovered a wide selection of curved barbells.
I shook my head. “Oh, no. No way. Hood piercings take weeks to heal.”
“Four to six to heal completely—”
“Like that’s a selling point? That’s so not an option—”
Lisa held up a finger. “But healing time doesn’t dictate usability. As long as you take good care of it, you can start rolling your marble safely after a week.”
“A week?”
“Mm-hm.” Her smile and the gleam in her eyes were mischievous.
I glanced down at the tray of pretty silver barbells of varying styles and sizes. Hayden’s reasons for putting sex on hold were understandable. A piercing would put me out of commission and relieve me of the temptation to push him. That would be better for both of us. And this would be better for me when it healed, from what Lisa had told me. Not that I needed to worry about my ability to orgasm with Hayden around.
“When should we do it?” I asked.
“How about right now?”
“Now? But—” I glanced over at the closed door. Hayden was still with his client.
“It takes two minutes. All you need is to strip from the waist down.”
I released a puff of air. Connor would have blown a gasket if I suggested a genital piercing. Hayden, on the other hand, would lose his mind in a good way.
“Let’s do it. But we don’t tell Hayden.”
“My lips are sealed.”
I waited while she set up the chair. The stirrups reminded me of a gynecologist’s office. I expected this would be an equally unpleasant experience, with a more pleasurable result. When everything was set up, I dropped my pants and underwear and took a seat in the chair. Even though she was my friend, it was no more uncomfortable to have Lisa peering at my girl parts than it was an obstetrician, likely because she made it seem like no big deal. She walked me through each step of the process.
“This will be the most uncomfortable part.” She held up the clamp. “Take a deep breath.”
I did as I was told. The stinging pinch muted the quick stab of pain when she pushed the needle through sensitive skin. She followed with the barbell. Once it was secured in place, she released the clamp and blood came rushing back.
“And we’re done. In about six weeks you can start changing it up, see what gauge of ball you like best.”
I closed my legs for the sake of modesty. “Good to know.”
Aside from the dull throb, it wasn’t that bad. I dressed while she cleaned up. I had just buttoned my jeans when the doorknob rattled.
“Tenley? Lisa? Are you in there?”
“Just a second!” Lisa called out.
She tossed her gloves in the garbage and I opened the door. Hayden stood on the other side.
“Are you done with your client already?” My pitch was too high.
“Yeah.” Hayden looked from me to Lisa. “What are you two up to? Why was the door locked?”
We both spoke at the same time.
“Lisa was checking to see how my industrial was healing—”
“Tenley wanted me to look at one of her nipple rings—”
Hayden crossed his arms over his chest. His tongue poked at his viper bites and his eyes narrowed into slits. “Which one was it?”
“Both. I wanted Lisa to have a look at both,” I replied quickly.
“Your nipples looked fine to me this morning.”
I mimicked his stance. “That wasn’t your area of focus, though, was it?”
“I think I would have noticed if there was a problem. I’m pretty fucking familiar with your nipples,” Hayden shot back.
“I’m going to check and see if Jamie or Chris needs me for anything.” Lisa tried to squeeze by, but Hayden blocked the door.
“Oh, no, you don’t. I want to know what the hell is going on. I smell bullshit.”
Lisa rolled her eyes. “Oh, for God’s sake, Hayden. Back off. Girl nipples are different from your tiny little man nipples. Ours take twice as long to heal, and with all the friction Tenley’s got this morning hers are a little tender. She wanted to make sure they weren’t at risk of infection. Now look at what you’ve done.” Lisa flailed her hands in my direction. “You’re embarrassing her. Thanks for being a jerk.” Lisa shoved his shoulder and stalked off.
Hayden turned back to me, chagrined. I was beet red. Not because I was embarrassed, but more because I couldn’t believe Lisa had managed to pull off the lie.
He ran his hand through his hair and then down over his pecs, where his metallic barbells were. His gaze lowered to my chest. “Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t think about that at all. . . .”
“It’s okay. I asked Lisa to look because of our talk earlier.” I was pushing the lie now, and I felt bad about it. But this wasn’t like my other omissions. This wouldn’t cause any harm.
“Right. Of course.” He nodded like a bobblehead. “I’m done for the night. Do you want to come up to my place and hang out?”
I tried not to get too excited. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
I doubted he meant hanging out in the way he used to, but I smiled, feeling suddenly shy. “I’d like that.”
On Sunday evening, Hayden asked me to come to dinner at Cassie’s. Everyone was going and he wanted me there.
Sarah and I had seen each other several times by that point. Her forgiveness came easily, which was a relief. She understood why I left better than anyone els
e, maybe because she’d been exposed to the nightmares that plagued me. Whatever the reason, her support was a blessing. While Lisa seemed to be another easy alliance, she would always have Hayden’s back over mine. Hayden pulled into the driveway, behind Sarah’s Tercel. I was glad she was here already.
As I gaped at the stately home, Hayden put his hand on the back of my neck. “You okay?”
“This house is beautiful.”
“Nate bought it a number of years back, when the market was slow. It needed a lot of work and he’s good with real estate. It’s how he managed to snap up Serendipity before they turned it into another condo or a high-rise. I bought Inked Armor off of him. It used to be a barbershop.”
“I thought he was a clinical psychiatrist.”
“He is. Real estate is his hobby.”
“Aren’t hobbies usually a little more relaxing?”
“I guess for him it is. We’re going to renovate a property together in the spring.”
“I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing.”
Hayden shrugged. “He asked me while you were gone. I thought it would a good way to pass the time.” Hayden cut the engine. “We should go in; they’re probably waiting for us.”
Dinner at Cassie’s was full of holiday talk. She enlisted me to make cupcakes. Last year I’d been in the hospital, pumped full of drugs, so it wasn’t a day I remembered. This year I’d be lucid enough to miss the family traditions. My ornaments, the ones my parents gave me every year, were in a box in my closet. I’d have to get a tree so they’d have a place to hang.
“You’re off tomorrow?” I asked Hayden as we drove back toward Inked Armor after dinner.
“Yeah. What’s up? You want to do something?”
“I’m supposed to go shopping with Sarah and Lisa in the afternoon, but I want to buy a tree, too. Christmas is barely a week away.”
“I’ll take you to get one in the morning. We can strap it to the top of the douche mobile.”
“We can take my car.”
“And risk ruining the paint job on the roof? Not a chance.”
Hayden hated Connor’s car and that it was still parked behind Serendipity. He made a passing comment about pretentious douches driving BMWs. Connor hadn’t been a douche, but he had had moments of pretension.
“Do you want to set it up at your place or mine?” I asked.
“Mine. Definitely mine,” Hayden said. “TK will love that shit.”
He drove past his building and rounded the corner leading to the lot behind Serendipity, which meant I wasn’t being invited up. Since the first night I’d returned, there had been no sleepovers. It was part of Hayden’s plan to keep us from making bad decisions. I would’ve preferred bad decision-making to sleeping alone, but we were together almost every evening after he finished work. It wasn’t enough, but it was better than nothing.
Hayden said a thorough good night which resulted in fogged-up windows and an inordinate level of sexual frustration on my part. I hoped his cautiousness waned by the time Christmas arrived. I headed upstairs to my apartment. Being without Hayden would have been easier if TK was waiting for me, but she was still at his place. Sarah wasn’t home either, so I was without a distraction for the rest of the night.
Once inside I kicked off my shoes, tossed my jacket on the hook, and rushed to my bedroom. I stripped out of my clothes and rooted around in my dresser for bedwear. Upon my return, I discovered my apartment had two temperatures in the winter; “hot” and “sauna.” There was no in-between. Intent on dishing out some payback for the makeout session in the car, I ditched my bra and changed into a camisole and a pair of shorts. Then I went back out to the kitchen to pour myself a drink. Crossing to the window, I drew back the curtains, sat down on the sill, and waited.
I used to do this every night when I first moved in, before I’d gone into Inked Armor and everything changed. I’d taken up the habit again. Especially now that I knew where Hayden’s condo was located on the wall of windows across the street. Hayden and I had developed a new bedtime ritual. It made the lack of sleepovers a little less difficult to take.
My gaze shifted to the Inked Armor sign. It remained lit, lending a soft glow to the sidewalk below. Bundled up in scarves and hats and heavy coats, people hurried along the streets. I looked up at the condos above the shop and smiled when a slice of light appeared in the window almost directly above Inked Armor. The curtains were pushed aside and a figure eclipsed the light.
Hayden’s profile came into view, shadows cutting across his body. He’d taken off his dress shirt. A thin undershirt covered the majority of his ink, but it was tight enough to provide an adequate view of his heavyset shoulders and broad chest. I liked it best when he appeared in nothing but his ink, but I would take what I could get. TK was in her favorite place; draped across his shoulders.
My phone rang.
“Hi.” I lifted my hand in a wave and he mirrored the movement.
Hayden’s deep voice came through the line. “You changed.”
“I’m ready for bed.”
“You look a little underdressed to me, considering the weather.”
“It’s hot in here.” I fingered the strap of my camisole, gazing up at his shadowy profile in the window above me.
“You don’t think you’ll get cold?”
“I wouldn’t be if you came over,” I whispered hopefully.
His heavy exhale told me I was pushing it. “I thought you said you weren’t going to make this difficult for me.”
“I’m not trying to.”
“Are you sure about that?” His posture matched his tone; stiff. I didn’t want him mad at me. Not with me still sleeping in my own apartment.
“I just miss you.” I brought my fingers to my lips and touched the window.
There was a long pause. When he spoke again, his voice was soft, the edge gone. “I’m not far. Good night, kitten, I’ll see you in the morning.”
“G’night, Hayden.”
He ended the call and lifted his hand in a parting wave before he dropped the curtain. A few minutes later the light in his bedroom went out. I stayed at the window for a long time. It took me ages to fall asleep after I finally went to bed, knowing Hayden was still out of reach.
My phone woke me in the middle of the night.
“Tenley?” Hayden’s voice wavered.
“I’m here. Is everything okay?” I sat up, blinking away the bleariness. It was three in the morning.
“I had another—” He coughed. “You weren’t here. You weren’t beside me, and I just needed to make sure you were okay. I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right. Everything’s all right.” I listened to his panicked breathing as I got out of bed and went to the window with the view of his condo. He was standing at his window as he’d been a few hours earlier. “Do you want me to come over?”
His fingers drifted over the glass. “Please?”
“Give me five minutes.” I kept him on the line while I pulled on clothes, talking him down, reassuring him I was on my way.
Hayden met me at the front door of his condo building, even though I had keys. He didn’t end the call until I was standing right in front of him. His hair was a riotous mess, the sides sticking out, the top standing on end in some places and lying flat it others. His eyes were bloodshot and his jaw was tight.
“Was it the same dream?” I asked as he pulled me tight against him, burying his face in my hair. From what I understood, his nightmares had become a nightly occurrence.
“Sort of. It starts out the same every time but it keeps changing.”
He led me to the elevator, punching the button until the doors slid open. I couched my anxiety as I stepped inside; Hayden required my strength more than I needed his. When we were closed inside, he made quick work of the buttons on my coat. His cold hand went under my hoodie to my sternum and then slid around my back. As on the night I first returned, it wasn’t sexual.
He kept his hand pressed against my
skin as the elevator chimed and the doors opened. He was too unnerved to get his key in the lock, so I let us into his condo. TK met us at the door, weaving between our legs. Hayden didn’t even bother to put his shoes away once we were locked inside, which spoke to his state. I put them in the closet, along with my own.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” I asked when we were sitting on his couch, him with a glass of scotch and me with water.
He might need the alcohol to chase away the shakes, but I wanted to have my faculties about me. My legs were draped over his and his arm was around my back, holding me as close as he could without climbing on top of me.
“It used to be that I couldn’t get to you. Now I can, but when I get close enough to touch you, you disappear. Then there are other dreams that are more memories than anything. I can’t get them out of my head; not when I’m sleeping, not when I’m awake. I feel like I can’t get away from it anymore.”
I stroked his cheek with the back of my hand. It was awful to see his subconscious playing on his fears.
He was silent for a moment before he said softly, “What if something happens to you? What if there’s nothing I can do to stop it? What if someone takes you away from me again?”
I snuggled deeper into his arms, trying to comfort him with closeness. “No one’s going to take me away from you.”
“But you can’t know that. Even if you promise you’re going to stay, even if I believe that, something could happen to you, and then where would I be? Alone again. I’ll be alone and all I’ll have left are these fucking nightmares. My head is too full. I can’t—I can’t—” His panic took over.
During the initial months after the plane crash, panic plagued me like a ghost. That helpless, out-of-control feeling that at any moment the thing I needed most would disappear. Back then, it had been the medication. Now it was him.
I peeled his fingers from the glass in his hand before he shattered it with the force of his grip. Then I straddled his lap to wrap myself around him. He clung to me as I whispered reassuring words. We were so similar in our pain. If only we could cancel each other’s out.
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