Holiday dinners at Cassie’s weren’t like they’d been in Arden Hills. My home experience was of women rushing around the kitchen while the men sat and drank. At Connor’s, someone was hired to cook while the family congregated in the formal sitting room to sip expensive wine and liquor.
Here, the men took over the kitchen. Well, most of them. According to Sarah, Chris couldn’t even manage a Kraft dinner without making it inedible. He was allowed to mash the potatoes, but Hayden hovered and gave directions on how much of what went into the bowl.
I was fascinated by how natural the domestic routine seemed to be for Hayden. He’d been on his own for the past seven years and wasn’t a huge fan of takeout, so he’d learned to cook. Aside from his fixation with cupcakes and his love of beer and scotch, he had healthy eating habits. Sometimes it made him a buzz kill when we went grocery shopping.
Sarah let out a low whistle, bringing my attention back to the conversation. She motioned to my chest. “Is that new?”
I looked down at the charm I was playing with. “It’s an early present from Hayden.”
Ever since I’d put it on, I couldn’t stop touching it. It was like a talisman, the only thing beside Hayden that kept me grounded enough to get through the day.
“Wow! Nice job, Hayden,” Sarah said.
Chris punched Hayden in the shoulder. “I guess we know why you two were late. Someone was looking to get laid.”
“Ow!” Hayden punched him back. “That wasn’t my motive at all.”
“You two, hands to yourself. We’re not having an MMA match in the kitchen this year.” Nate pointed the handle of his bread knife at Hayden and Chris.
“MMA match?” I asked.
“Last year Chris and Hayden got into the sauce a little too early. There was an issue with the potatoes. The cleanup was a bitch,” Jamie supplied.
“Particularly since those two were so messed up, they had their heads in the toilet before dinner was even served.” Lisa shot an irritated glare at them.
“That was the worst hangover I ever had.” Chris went back to pulverizing potatoes.
“You let them get away with that?” I asked Cassie.
“I wasn’t involved. Lisa and I were on an emergency run to get fresh cranberries. Chris brought canned ones and Hayden refused to serve them.” Cassie smiled at Hayden.
“Who the hell eats canned cranberry sauce?” he asked, as if it were unheard of.
I raised my hand. “I like canned cranberry sauce.”
“You would, Miss Let’s Eat Popcorn and Reese’s Pieces for Dinner,” he shot back.
“Don’t knock it. The Reese’s Pieces are awesome when they’re all melty.”
“It’s true,” Sarah said. “It really is good.”
Hayden rolled his eyes and went back to stirring the cranberry sauce. Which he’d made from scratch.
“So what happened when you got back?” Sarah asked.
“Hayden and Chris were engaged in a wrestling match on the floor,” Cassie replied.
“And Nate and Jamie were busy placing bets on who was going to win,” Lisa said with a laugh.
“I stood to make good money if Hayden won, considering he was the underdog,” Jamie said.
“Hardly,” Hayden scoffed. “Chris was way more hammered than I was.”
“Yeah, but you’re all lanky and shit, you Gumby-looking mother-fucker. I’m the one with the brawn,” Chris goaded, flexing his thick biceps.
“Should I be worried?” I asked Cassie, who was watching them with an amused smile.
“No. This is pretty normal,” she said.
“Fuck that Gumby shit.” Hayden tossed his wooden spoon on the counter and went chest to chest with Chris. “You’re a freak of nature. You were probably the size of a fucking toddler when you were born.”
They looked frighteningly dangerous as they glared at each other, chins raised in defiance. Jamie gave a bark of laughter.
Chris fought back a grin and Hayden poked him in the chest. “I am not lanky. Right, kitten?”
“Of course not.” All those hard-cut muscles? “I think you have the perfect body.” It came out almost breathless.
Hayden smirked and leaned across the counter to plant a kiss on my lips. “It goes both ways, beautiful.” Even in the ridiculous apron, he swaggered back to his post at the stove.
Everyone stared at Hayden with expressions that verged on disbelief; I got the distinct impression none of them had ever seen him like this before.
Cassie put an arm around my shoulder. “We’re all very glad you’re here, Tenley.”
“So am I.” I leaned into her embrace. “I’m very fortunate to have found him.”
“As is he,” she said.
While the men prepared dinner, Cassie, Lisa, Sarah, and I sat around the kitchen island and chatted. I tried my best to stay in the moment. The banter between the boys kept us entertained, and the constant flow of wine helped, too. Lisa topped up my glass so frequently, it was impossible to keep track of how much I consumed.
When dinner was ready, we transferred the food into serving bowls and carried them to the dining room. Hayden sat to my right, with his arm around the back of my chair throughout dinner. Every so often he leaned in to kiss my temple or play with a lock of my hair and tell me how glad he was that I was with him.
After the main course, the plates were cleared. New dishes were brought out in preparation for dessert. Since no one was ready for it yet, we relaxed in our chairs, blissed out in a turkey coma. Everyone was sipping drinks except for Hayden, who had switched to soda water. Conversation was easy, and while I was quiet, it wasn’t because I was stuck in the past. I loved listening to this new family I’d become part of.
After a while Hayden and Jamie started asking about dessert, so I brought it out while Cassie poured coffees.
“What’s going on? I thought you brought cupcakes,” Hayden said as I set the dessert platter on the table.
“They are cupcakes.”
“Really? All incognito, huh?” He inspected the wreath. White-chocolate leaves covered the layer of fluffy buttercream icing, and fresh-cut strawberries adorned the top for a splash of color.
“It’s almost too pretty to eat,” Cassie said.
“Almost,” Hayden agreed, and took the first one. “But not quite.”
He didn’t bother to wait for everyone else before he peeled away the wrapper and shoved half of it in his mouth. Only when he was eating cupcakes did his table manners disappear. “Is this angel food cake?” he asked between bites.
“I thought it would be lighter. Did they turn out okay?”
He groaned an affirmative and helped himself to seconds. I peeled the wrapper from my own and began slowly disassembling the cake: eating the berries first, followed by the white-chocolate leaves, then finally the icing-covered cake. Hayden pulled me closer, until I was almost in his lap. He reached over and helped himself to a third.
“You don’t have to make yourself sick. There are extras at my apartment.”
“Good to know.” He tucked my hair behind my ear and leaned in to whisper, “Watching you eat cupcakes is better than porn.”
“You think so?” I batted my eyelashes at him, then sucked icing off my finger.
His hand disappeared below the tablecloth and he shifted in his chair. His nose brushed my cheek. “Much better. Infinitely better.”
“It’s a dinner table, not a bedroom. Put your hands where I can see them, Stryker,” Jamie said.
At the round of snickering, my cheeks warmed. Hayden’s hand reappeared, his middle finger directed at Jamie, but his hand stayed above the table after that.
Lisa asked, “Anyone have any ideas for New Year’s? We need a plan.”
Hayden had mentioned New Year’s once in passing, but hadn’t brought it up again. For me, it was yet another holiday I would be celebrating without my family.
“I thought we were going to chill this year.” He stroked his thumb along my bare shoulder.
“That’s one option,” Lisa said. “Are you offering to host?”
Hayden snorted. “I only have one spare bedroom.”
“That’s all you need. Chris and Sarah can stumble across the street,” Jamie pointed out.
“Forget Hayden’s. I say we hop a plane to Vegas for the weekend,” Chris cut in.
Sarah rolled her eyes. “Only you would suggest something like that.”
“He’s had worse ideas,” Lisa said. “Maybe Jamie and I could get hitched while we’re at it! It would save me from this business of planning a wedding.”
Good-natured laughter followed.
I felt Hayden’s arm tighten around my shoulder. His lips moved against my temple, but whatever the words were, I didn’t hear them. My mind was stuck, skipping like a record. The static in my head became a screaming siren, drowning out everything else.
I couldn’t feel my body as I lifted my wineglass to my lips. I tipped it back; the cool liquid tasted like vinegar as I drained the glass. The world went out of focus as panic took over. I knew it wasn’t rational. People got on planes every day and made it to their destinations without so much as a blip of turbulence.
“Tenley?” Hayden’s hand was on the back of my neck, fingers kneading gently. “Are you okay?” He sounded so far away, as if he were talking to me from underwater.
“Excuse me for a moment,” I said, finding it hard to breathe. I pushed my chair back. “I just need to use the bathroom.” I prayed he’d let me go before I cracked and wrecked the evening.
I placed my napkin on the table and headed for the closest powder room, then locked myself in before my legs gave out.
I sank to the floor, working to push through the panic. I wanted to turn back time. To have a normal reaction to an impromptu trip to Vegas. To be excited. But I couldn’t be. Blinding panic radiated through me, seizing my chest.
I squeezed my eyes shut and clutched the cupcake charm, wishing it had the power to prevent me from breaking down. The memories came anyway—vivid and violent. They began and ended with Connor’s shattered face and broken body. Always. Here I was, on Christmas Eve, barely a year after the crash, celebrating the holiday with someone else. Someone I loved infinitely more. I felt as if I were wronging Connor in some way.
I lurched forward, grasping the edge of the toilet as dinner reappeared. My eyes teared as I heaved again. When it was finally over, I braced myself on the edge of the vanity. I ran my hands under the cold water and pressed my palms against my neck. I needed to get it together. I didn’t want Hayden to see me falling apart like this.
With my stomach no longer revolting, I reached into the pocket in my dress. I debated whether I had the strength to make it through the rest of the evening without the pills. But I couldn’t risk another panic attack. The doorknob rattled, and I almost dropped them in the sink.
“Tenley? Can I come in?” Hayden asked from the other side, concerned.
“I need a second.” I popped the pills, then cupped my hand under the tap and washed down the chemical taste.
As soon as I unlocked the door, Hayden came in and closed it behind him. He pulled me into his arms. “I’m so sorry. Lisa wasn’t thinking.”
“It’s fine. I just needed a minute.” I sighed into his chest, letting the salve of his touch ease the ache.
“A minute?” He rubbed slow circles on my back, lulling me to semi-calm. “You’ve been in here for almost twenty. I knocked a couple of times but you didn’t answer, so I figured you needed space. Then I got worried.”
I thought I’d only been in the bathroom a short time. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t expect that. Just the idea of getting on a plane—”
“It’s okay. Don’t think about it. You’re all right.” His hands settled on my waist and he lifted me easily onto the vanity.
Once I was sitting, I realized how much I had been relying on him to keep me upright. I was still shaking. “I’ll never be able to fly again.”
“It’s only been a year. You can’t know that for sure.” His palms moved down my arms, and he clasped my hands in his.
“You don’t understand.” I shook my head, all the words stuck.
“Chris meant it as a joke, and Lisa doesn’t want to get married next week. And even if we did go to Vegas at some point, we could make a road trip out of it. Take as long as we want to get there.”
The warm buffer of medication had yet to set in, allowing fear to spill over. Joke or not, so much about the situation was too hard to manage.
“Tenley?”
Lost in my fears, I wrapped his tie around my hand, staring at the pin-up girl as she slipped over my fist. “What if Lisa’s serious?”
“She’s not. At least not for New Year’s. A Vegas wedding is right up Lisa’s alley, but it’s not going to happen right away.”
Driving might seem like a good solution, but everyone else would still get on a plane. What if we arrived in Vegas only to find they hadn’t made it?
“Talk to me, Tenley.”
I looked up, pleading with him to understand. “I can’t go through that again. Losing all these people? It would kill me.”
“I know. That’s why we’d drive.”
“But everyone else would fly!” I gripped Hayden’s hand tighter to keep my shaking under control. “I can’t ask them to put their lives on hold just because I can’t get on a plane. I don’t know if I’ll ever get past this fear.” I shuddered. “I only lost consciousness briefly after the plane went down.”
“You— What? I don’t understand.”
“When I came to, the plane had crashed and it was on fire. I found Connor when I was trying to escape. He was dead. Half of his face was crushed. It’s the last memory I have of him—and it still haunts my nightmares. You’re asking me to entertain the same scenario. Tell me how I’m supposed to deal with that.”
The color drained from Hayden’s face. I still hadn’t told him some things because talking about it hurt too much. “Shit. I’m so sorry. I wish I could take those memories away for you.”
Enveloped in his protective embrace, I sagged against him, drained of energy. I locked my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist, desperate for the closeness, the connection. He held me for the longest time and I absorbed the comfort like a sponge.
His chin rested on top of my head. I felt the periodic bob of his throat as he swallowed, the rise and fall of his chest, the constant, rhythmic beat of his heart. I pressed my lips to his neck. Hayden dropped his head and kissed me. Fear had a way of inspiring need. My lips parted, welcoming him in.
A quiet knock at the door broke the spell. Lisa’s apprehensive voice came from the other side: “Tenley? Hayden?”
Hayden pressed his forehead against mine. “Give us a minute,” he called out, and then dropped to a whisper. “I’m taking you home soon.”
“Please? I need you tonight.”
He pressed one final kiss to my lips and helped me down from the vanity. When I had my bearings, he opened the door.
Lisa threw her arms around me. “I’m so sorry. I was caught up in the excitement. I didn’t think.”
I held on to her, feeling the burden of her sadness, hating that I couldn’t enjoy her spontaneity. “You don’t have to apologize. I overreacted.”
Hayden took my hand and we walked through the dining room. The table had been cleared and everything returned to order. We went into the living room, where everyone had congregated. No one made a fuss, and Hayden pulled me into his lap in an oversize reading chair.
20
TENLEY
“Ready to go?” Hayden whispered after gifts had been exchanged.
“Please,” I said, draining what was left of the tea I’d been drinking. Everything was an uncomplicated haze, now that the medication had set in. When we got home, I could lose myself in him. He dropped a lingering kiss on my shoulder, following with his teeth, the promise of intimacy an undeniable lure.
“Tenley and I are gonna roll out
.”
“You’re not staying the night?” Cassie asked, clearly disappointed.
“TK’s by herself,” Hayden said, his hands on my waist as I stood. The room shifted with the movement, the medication making me feel weightless.
Hayden packed all the gifts into the box we’d brought. He helped me into my coat, and I used the bench as a seat to put on my shoes, since I was too unsteady to stand. I didn’t track the hugs and good-byes because my mind was elsewhere.
Hayden led me to the car and unlocked the door. “I’m sorry today wasn’t easier.” The words spiraled out in ghostly tendrils, disappearing in the cold air.
“You were with me. That made it better.” I grabbed the lapels of his jacket and pulled him close.
His body came flush against mine as his lips parted, and we took up where we’d left off in the bathroom. His hands went to my hips, his erection insistent against my stomach. “I need to get you home.”
“I want to be home,” I said, feeling for the door handle.
Hayden helped me in and shut me inside the frigid car. He adjusted himself as he strode around the front, his intentions as clear as mine. The presents were unceremoniously tossed in the backseat.
“I should have warmed up the car first,” he said as he turned the engine over.
“It gets warm fast enough.” I pulled my legs up and rubbed them through the thin nylon.
He shifted the car into gear, gunning it as soon as he was on the street. Unable to keep my hands off him, I put my palm on his knee. He glanced down but didn’t say anything. I moved higher, up along his thigh. The muscles in his leg tensed.
Hayden sucked in a breath as I grazed his erection. “What are you doing?”
“Touching you.” I reached for his belt, sliding the leather through the buckle, unclasping it, and flicking the button open.
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Can’t you multitask?”
“That depends on the tasks involved.”
I slipped my hand into his pants, fingering the warm steel ball at the head. Hayden gripped the steering wheel tightly.
He whispered a low “Fuck.” His eyes flicked to me. “We should have left earlier.”
Inked Armor Page 20
