by Kahlen Aymes
She moved back from the embrace and took my hands. “Thank you, Jen. I appreciate all you’ve done. Can I see her now? Is Dr. Brighton still with her?” The array of questions fell from my lips like rain.
“I’m sure they’re watching for hemorrhage. It’s common with traumatic brain injury,” Aaron interjected quietly and more contrite than before.
I shook my head and started walking out of the room, my intention to go straight up to ICU, but Jenna put a hand on my arm to stop me.
Her voice shook and she cupped my face with her palm. “Ryan,” she said hesitantly her blue eyes full of sadness. “Julia had some vaginal bleeding. It was quite excessive.”
“She had internal bleeding?” I asked in panic. My heart started racing again but Jenna shook her head.
“Ryan, um…” She raised her tear-filled eyes to mine and brushed my hair back from my face.
“Jen, what is it?” I choked out. “What is it that you’re not saying?” Fear, even more prevalent than before, engulfed me.
“Did you know that Julia was pregnant?”
Until that very moment, I thought it couldn’t get any worse. I was wrong. I felt the blood drain from my face and I clenched my fists hard enough for the nails to draw blood.
Hearing that Julia was expecting my child should have made me the happiest man on earth, and instead it left me aching and empty. My Julia, lying broken and still, in a bed seven stories above me. I whirled away from Jenna to lean a hand on the wall to steady myself. “Oh, my God,” I gasped for breath. “Jesus, no!”
The tears I thought had run dry began to squeeze out of my tightly closed eyes. My stomach ached and my head throbbed. My chest wouldn’t let me breathe and my throat constricted with the sobs that wanted to break out of my chest. “Why the hell is this happening? To someone as good as Julia?” the words ripped out of my chest.
“We still have Julia, Ryan,” Aaron pointed out. “That is the most important thing right now. Try to focus on that.”
I nodded and put a hand over my aching heart. I didn’t need to ask if she’d lost the baby. I already knew.
Jenna was openly crying now. She nodded and grabbed a tissue from the box on the counter to wipe at her eyes and nose. My hand started tugging on the shirt over my heart in silent hope that it could remove the pain that was manifesting there. I felt like a black hole had just opened up and swallowed me alive and there was nothing I could do to claw out of it.
“How far along was she?” Aaron asked.
“A few weeks, maybe,” Jenna answered softly. “We managed to get the bleeding stopped fairly easily and she won’t need a D and C.”
I moved away from both of them, not wanting anyone touching me. I could hear them talking but it was like I was hearing their voices from underwater. “Five weeks since we were last together, but technically they’d measure it as seven,” I said more to myself than to either of them. The night she told me about Paris, the night I put the ring on her finger…the night we conceived our child.
Jesus, is there anything else you can do to me? To her?
“Weren’t you guys using protection, Ryan?”
“Aaron. Stop being an insensitive ass,” Jenna shot at him. “Now isn’t the time for that.”
I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, nodding. “Um…yeah. Julia was on the pill, but she’d had a sinus infection and was on an antibiotic course shortly before we were together. I’m such an idiot! I should have realized…This is my fault. I should have protected her.”
“Julia wouldn’t think that way, Ryan. I’m sure she was happy about the baby. She loves you so much,” Jen answered.
The gravity of what this meant rushed over me in waves. Yes, she would have been so happy.
My child…with Julia. I’d imagined what it would be like to see her swell with the evidence of the mad love we felt for each other. Nothing would have made me happier. Now, I felt cheated at the unfairness of it. And Julia…she’d be the most wonderful, giving mother. I saw it in the way she took care of everyone around her. I was angry because now she lay near death, and when she woke up…if she woke up, I had to tell her she’d lost our child. Our baby.
“That’s why she came to Boston.” My heart constricted to the point of pain. “She wouldn’t tell me something like that over the phone.”
“Ryan, I’m so sorry. You’ll be able to have more children,” Jenna’s voice was trembling and she wiped at her eyes. Aaron gathered her close to his side.
“If she survives, you mean?” I asked hopelessly.
“Ryan, I should beat you senseless! Stop thinking like that. Julia needs you to be strong right now. She needs you like she’s never needed you, so get your head out of your ass and start being more positive! We’re all here and we’re going to get her through this.” Aaron’s voice was loud and his tone hard. It should have shaken me out of my heartbroken haze, but it didn’t.
“When Paul and Marin get here, don’t tell them about this. They have enough grief to deal with because of Julia. They don’t need more to contend with.”
I shook my head silently, then turned and rushed from the room. I had to get out of there, had to be alone to deal with the agony before I could go up and be with Julia. I had to run, scream or both or I’d explode.
I ran as fast as I could, the cool night air rushing over my face and through my hair. I ran so fast that the tears were pushed back across my temples by the wind. Finally, when I reached the footpath that ran through the park near the hospital, I slowed my pace and sank down on my haunches. It was the middle of the night and no one was around. No sounds except the crickets, a few birds and some distant traffic.
Why? My heart screamed. Why?! Why?! Fucking Why?!
My shoulders started to shake violently and I wrapped my arms around myself. Pretty soon my anguished voice was crying out my thoughts. “Why, in God’s name? Jesus, why?? Ahhhhhhhhhh!!! Why did this happen??!!” I screamed into the silent night. I wasn’t sure how long I remained where I was, crying for long minutes. “She didn’t deserve this. She’s so good,” I cried brokenly, but more softly now.
I furiously brushed the tears from my face before starting my walk back to the hospital. What was I doing? I had to get to her as soon as I possibly could.
My face was surely swollen and red and I couldn’t speak without the telltale signs of my tears lacing my voice, but I didn’t care. I had a new resolve. Julia was going to be fine. She was going to live and I would be right beside her for the rest of my life. This was a detour, a little bump in the road. I would expect a full recovery, to move to New York as planned and then our wedding.
My vision blurred again.
And, we’ll have more babies, Julia. Gorgeous babies with your amazing eyes.
I’d felt such joy at the knowledge that she was carrying my child, however fleeting it was before it had been replaced with horrible devastation at the loss. Sharing that with her was something I wanted. Desperately.
The elevator doors opened into ICU and I stopped to use the hand sanitizer that was located in the hall before the double doors and then pushed my way through. Jenna, who was off of her shift in ER, was waiting with Aaron and she motioned toward a room to her right. I preceded them in, bracing myself for the sight I was about to face.
Julia was lying in a mire of wires and machines; beeping and wheezing noises violating the silence. There were cold packs around her head, her face swollen and bruised. The vent tube was coming out of her mouth and there were IV’s in both arms. Everywhere I looked there were tubes. Her arms lay above the covers, pale even up against the white blanket. I dropped to my knees beside her bed, fresh tears beginning again.
“Julia, I’m so sorry, baby. I’m here, my love.” My voice aching as I bent to kiss her cheek softly, my hand closing around her still one. “Please…come back to me.”
Of course she didn’t move and maybe she couldn’t hear me considering her drug induced coma, but I had to say the words. My forehead rested on th
e hand I held as I willed her to feel my presence beside her.
Aaron pulled a chair close to Julia’s bedside and offered it to me. “Ryan, I’m going to take Jen home. I’ll be back.”
“Uh,” I turned and stood to embrace them both. “Aaron, you don’t have to come back tonight. It’s so late. I’ll wait for the others. They will be here soon.”
“Mom and Dad called while you were outside. They landed at Logan and are catching a cab. Dad’s coming straight here, but sending Mom to get a hotel room and drop off their bags,” Aaron said as I let him go and sat down in the chair.
“Okay. Thank you both for being here. Especially you, Jenna. I can’t tell you how much it helped having you in there when I couldn’t be.” I hugged her again and she wiped her eyes as I released her.
After they left, I moved closer so that I could hold Julia’s hand and my thumb rubbed back and forth over the top of her fingers. The nurses came in to monitor her vital signs, although I was watching them myself, and to change the cold packs around her bandaged head. Her breathing was shallow, even with the vent, but her pulse was strong. I was told that Dr. Brighton would be in at 6 am to check on her.
I couldn’t take my eyes off her or the damn machines that kept reminding me of the gravity of the situation with their sounds. Every second felt like a year. My eyes were burning and dry. I pressed the heels of my hands to both of them and rubbed. I brushed her right hand with my lips and then settled in, looking away from her face, unrecognizable with swelling and angry bruises, only to check on her vitals.
Paul arrived first, still in a suit, but rumpled…looking as rough as I felt. I stood to embrace him. We both held onto each other for dear life. “I’m so sorry, Paul. I’d give anything if I could take this away.”
He didn’t say anything, but moved to the edge of the bed and looked down at Julia. He gasped in shock as he took it all in. “It doesn’t even look like her.” His voice broke on the last word. “Julia?”
I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed.
“Can you fill me in?” he asked quietly.
I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the reality check I was about to give us both.
“She has a pretty serious head injury.” I couldn’t believe how clinical my voice sounded as I ran through it, trying to keep the medical terminology to a minimum. “She’s on barbiturates to reduce the metabolic rate of her brain tissue. That’s important because it will reduce blood flow and hopefully curtail swelling, one of the worst things that could happen after head trauma. We’re also watching for any increase in pressure from fluids.” I sucked in all the air my lungs could hold and walked to the window. Her father sat in the chair next to the bed while I continued. “She had a laceration on her forehead and some bruises over a good portion of her body. Her left shoulder was dislocated and she has three fractured ribs. Her left lung collapsed and had to be re-inflated.” I swallowed the pain rising up in my throat. “The drugs will keep her in a coma so that her brain can heal. They’ll gradually reduce them if there are no complications, and hopefully…she’ll wake up and be…Julia.”
“My God. Do you think she’ll have brain damage, Ryan? What effect would swelling have?” Part of me wished I didn’t know the answers.
My throat tightened up even more. So much; I wasn’t sure I could even get the words out. “Um…the confines of the skull don’t allow room for the tissue expansion caused when the brain swells. The only place it has any room to expand is down, and it, uh…” I put my hand on my hips and blinked my eyes several times to try to stop the tears, but my voice was shaking, “puts pressure on the brain stem which controls involuntary body functions, like heart and lung activity.” I closed my eyes, not wanting to face the possibility of that happening to Julia. “Everything possible is being done to keep that from happening. My father is on his way. If she needs a shunt or bolt, he’ll be here to do it. I don’t trust anyone else to fucking touch her!” I whispered brokenly and turned back toward the bed. I sat down on my haunches near her face so I could look at her. Her head was wrapped in a white bandage, some of her dark hair was plastered to her face, still caked with blood, and her face was swollen with black circles under both eyes.
“A shunt or bolt?”
“Uhnggg…” I tried to clear the tears from my voice and I ghosted my fingers across the velvet softness of Julia’s cheek. “They are ways of draining fluid, and would need to be placed surgically. The amount of fluid and where it originates would determine which of those procedures are used. Right now that’s not an issue, so I’m praying it won’t become one. If her brain swells further, it could be, though. The next 48 hours are critical.”
“Could she die?” I could tell he was crying, even though he was trying to hide it. Paul was a man’s man, old school and wouldn’t want to openly show emotion. Even over his only child. Part of me envied his control because I felt like I was falling apart.
“No!” I replied sharply. “Please don’t even say that! I can’t even think about that happening.” I lowered my voice, more conscious of the tone I was using. “I’m sorry, Paul. It’s just…I can’t even contemplate losing her. I don’t know what I’d do.”
Paul drew in a deep breath and nodded. “I’m so thankful for you, Ryan. I know she’ll get the best care because you know what the hell is happening. It makes me feel safer, somehow.”
“Thank you, Paul. That means a lot to me, but I feel more helpless right now than I ever have in my entire life.” I let my head fall to my hands.
Minutes later, my father arrived and thankfully, I didn’t have to explain anything. He could tell just by looking at her charts, which I assumed he’d already done before entering the room. Dr. Brighton left instructions with the nurses to give him access and the resident on duty knew as well.
I lost it again as my father’s arms closed around me. “Oh, my God, Dad!”
“Ryan, we’ll do all we can. I’ll stay as long as Julia needs me, son.” He embraced me tightly and placed a hand on the back of my head. “Your mother will be here soon. She’s very worried. You know how much she adores Julia.”
When he released me, he turned and offered Paul his hand. “Hello, Paul. It’s good to see you again, but I wish it was under better circumstances.”
“Yes. I was expecting a wedding pretty soon,” he murmured and my heart broke all over again. I went out into the hallway and asked the nurses if we could get a few more chairs.
And so the vigil began; all of us sitting in silence, watching Julia. My father, Aaron and I conferred with the doctors and monitored the equipment. When Julia’s mother, Marin, arrived she was hysterical and Paul took her out of the room. I understood it and wanted to comfort her, but I couldn’t leave Julia.
I never left her side. When my mother came, she just sat beside me, rubbing my back or bringing me coffee and sandwiches that I didn’t touch.
It must have been a new day because the nurses changed shifts and the other’s clothes changed. Jen and Aaron came and went, Aaron doing his rotations and Jenna working downstairs in ER.
Ellie and Harris finally arrived the following morning.
Ellie looked terrible, her eyes bloodshot and red-rimmed, and clutching Harris’s hand for dear life until she ran to me. My arms closed around her as she sobbed into my shoulder. “Ryan, I’m so sorry. How is she doing?”
“She hasn’t gotten any worse, so that’s something, but it’s…not good, Ellie. Her injuries are extensive.” Hearing my words, Marin started crying again and my mother tried to comfort her.
Ellie pulled back, her expression pained, apparent that she knew about the baby. I pleaded with her silently not to say anything and prayed that she would read it in my expression.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner. I um…I was in New York visiting Julia, helping her pack and then when she…came to Boston; I got a plane to L.A. I wasn’t even home when Aaron called me to let me know about her accident. Harris met me at the airport and we turned righ
t around.”
I nodded. “I know, Ellie,” were the only words I could get out but she understood what I was trying to say.
“I’m so sorry, Ryan. So sorry.” Her grey eyes were wide, her chin trembling. “Julia…was so happy about it. She decided not to go to Paris.”
I closed my eyes against the burning ache that consumed me. “Thanks, Ellie. It would mean the world to Julia that you guys are here, as it does to me.”
I returned to my place beside Julia’s bedside until I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Ryan, you need to go home and get some rest. You’re going to make yourself ill.” My father’s voice was firm. “You’ll be no good to her if you kill yourself.”
“Dad…I’m not going anywhere. If you guys want to leave, go ahead,” I said woodenly, still watching for any signs of consciousness from Julia. “Take Marin to dinner.” I glanced across the bed at the woman who was brushing the hair off of Julia’s forehead again and again. I tried to smile at her. “You should get out of here for a while.”
“What about you? Will you come with us?” Marin was a slight woman and I could see a little of Julia around her eyes, but that was where the similarities ended. Julia had Paul’s coloring and his attitude.
I let my breath out in a huff, and shook my head. “I’m not going anywhere. My place is here.”
“Ellie is here now. She can stay with Julia as can Elyse or I. Go get something to eat and sleep. Even Paul’s gone back to the hotel to get some rest. You should, too,” my father insisted.
I shook my head again but didn’t say a word. The truth was, I was scared shitless and I didn’t want to leave for even a second in case something happened. Maybe she’d wake up and God, what if I lost her? I’d never forgive myself if I missed even one second with her. I’d blown off my classes and clinical. I didn’t even know if any of my professors were aware of my situation. I didn’t know what day it was. Graduating mattered little to me at this point. If something happened to Julia, if she didn’t wake up, or if she woke up damaged, my life would be over anyway.
