Don’t Forget to Remember Me

by Kahlen Aymes

  “Dude, please.” His arms enfolded her small form gently. “Did you have a good day today? Jen said you went out after your appointments.”

  “Yes, it was a nice day.” Her eyes met mine as I leaned on the breakfast bar. “Fun.” She moved to the refrigerator and took out some chicken, eggs, scallions, garlic, tamarind paste and cilantro. “Ryan? Are the noodles up here?” She pointed to a cabinet above the sink where she’d arranged all of the pasta, rice and canned goods when we’d first moved in the summer before med school. I nodded and got them down so she wouldn’t hurt herself.

  Julia gathered some other items, placing them on the counter, then filled a cup with water and put it in the microwave to boil. When it was finished heating, she dropped some of the tamarind paste into it. I’d seen her make Pad Thai so many times; I probably could have made it myself.

  Jenna and Aaron perched on the stools at the counter while Julia started chopping the scallions and I filled a glass bowl that I’d retrieved from beneath the counter with hot water. I opened the rice noodles and plunged them into the water to soak.

  Julia threw a glance at me and smiled as she worked. “Hmmm. If I didn’t know better, I’d say we’d been here before. Jenna, thank you for the finely stocked kitchen.”

  “Are you kidding? These two made the list and I was happy to do it as long I don’t have to cook.” She tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder and Aaron patted her on her rear.

  “Hmmm…anyone want tofu?” Julia glanced up from her chopping to ask.

  I took out a cereal bowl and a fork and placed them next to the eggs. “Not necessary for me. You guys?” I asked the others.

  After it was agreed that we didn’t need tofu and I’d pulled the wok out of the drawer underneath the oven, I took two beers from the refrigerator and handed one to Aaron. Jenna shot me a look. I smiled and took the hint, handing her the one I’d just opened, turned and grabbed another. Julia would probably take a pain pill before bed, so I found a bottle of Perrier and poured it into a glass. I reached into the refrigerator for a lime and placed it on the cutting board.

  Julia sank down on her haunches to rummage through one of the cabinets at the same time as I cut a wedge from the lime and squeezed it into her glass. The rest would go into the meal. “Don’t hurt yourself, Julia. I can get everything out.”

  “I’m fine, Ryan. Except…no peanut oil.”

  “Oh, hell. Does that mean you can’t make it?” I was seriously disappointed and immediately decided to send Aaron to the store.

  “I think I can improvise. Do you have peanut butter?” She opened the cabinet where it was kept and removed it along with the vegetable oil. “The only other thing I need is red pepper flakes.” The spices were arranged in one of the drawers near the stove and she automatically went to it and pulled out what she needed. My eyes shot to Aaron, who nodded and smiled knowingly…Julia was remembering where everything was. Jenna winked at me and smiled as well. Elation rushed through me and I sucked in a deep breath of relief. Julia didn’t even realize that she remembered.

  Aaron leaned in and whispered, “One small step for man…”

  “No shit,” I agreed as my face split into a huge-ass grin. Julia was working over the wok, throwing the cut up chicken into the heated oil and Jen came over and ruffled my hair, kissing me on the cheek before tugging Aaron by the hand.

  “Hey, dipshit,” she said to him and nodded into the living room. Alone in the kitchen with Julia, I sat on one of the stools, nursing the beer while I watched her work.

  She was so efficient and went about it as always…practiced and methodical. She knew exactly what she was doing and quickly drained the noodles in a strainer, tossing them to get all the water off before dumping them into the wok. She walked over and placed the bowl and two eggs in front of me without a word.

  “Fork?” I asked.

  She handed it to me and went back to the stove. I scrambled them with the fork before handing them back over to her.

  “Thanks.” Julia pushed the noodles to the side and poured the liquid eggs into the pan, quickly scrambling them before mixing it all together.

  Taking it from the heat, she took the lime and squeezed it over the noodles, causing a big sizzle and then used her hands to scoop up the fresh herbs and toss them on top of everything. It smelled wonderful and after she had the meal on the plates, she placed one in front of me and turned off the stove.

  She used the back of her hand to push the hair off of her face, picked up two more plates and delivered them to Aaron and Jenna on the couch. “Julia! You’re my dream come true,” Aaron laughed. “Thank you! It smells incredible.”

  “My pleasure.” Her tinkling laughter was music to my ears and she came in and picked up her plate and sat down next to me. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her as she raised her glass to me. “To a great day,” she said, nudging my shoulder gently with her own.

  I smiled, nudged her back and touched the neck of my bottle to the top of her glass. “Yes it was,” I agreed.

  “I really had a nice time today, Ryan. Thank you for taking time off to be with me.”

  “You don’t have to thank me. I enjoy being with you.” I filled my fork and then my mouth with the delicious meal. The flavors of the peanut, cilantro, hot peppers, garlic and chicken burst on my tongue. “Mmmm…So good, Julia.”

  “You work too hard.” I was sitting to her right and she ran her hand up my back to squeeze my right shoulder. Her innocent touch left me wanting more.

  “It’s only for a little while longer,” I said, trying to concentrate on what I was saying and the food in front of me, rather than how she was making me feel.

  “Mmmmm. But, then you’ll have residency, right?” I nodded, knowing without a doubt the next question that was going to leave her lips. I was surprised we hadn’t gotten around to talking about it in the past week.

  “Well, have you decided where you’re going?” she asked pensively and took another sip from her glass. “And…what about Aaron?”

  “He’s staying in Boston; Mass General.” I purposely left off particulars about my destination and left out that they would be getting married in the not too distant future. She and I were closer to it than they were, and I was afraid mention of it would be too much for her to handle.

  “Yeah, and? What about you?” she asked. Her persistence certainly hadn’t changed with the loss of her memory.

  I took another bite to stall and by the time I had swallowed, I knew what to say. “Um…well, I’ve got several offers from various hospitals.” That part at least is true. “So, I’m not sure yet.” That part isn’t.

  “Oh, I see.” Did she really? Did she get that I’d follow her to the end of the world and back again? All I wanted was to be with her every day for the rest of my life. Nothing else mattered anymore.

  We looked at each other in serious silence and shared something unspoken. The connection was undeniable.

  “This is really excellent, Julia!” Jenna called from the other room, effectively breaking the spell. “Thank you.”

  We continued to eat for a few minutes and she pushed her plate away with almost half of the food still on it. It was clear to me; her mind was working through what just passed between us, grasping to remember something. I felt sad for both of us. I wanted to comfort her but wasn’t really sure how to do it, considering the state of the circumstances. Instead, I tried to lighten the mood.

  I pulled her plate in front of me when I was finished with mine and she smirked at me. “What? It’s too good to waste,” I said and proceeded to finish her food using her fork. Once again, so typical of how we behaved. These were little hints that I could give her without laying it all on the line.

  She yawned and I realized how late it was. “Julia, why don’t you go into my room and sleep, honey? I’ll clean up the kitchen.”

  She shook her head. “No. You work so hard and all I do is lie around. I’ll clean up. I told you, I’m taking the couch from now on.”


  “No. You’re still healing. I won’t have it.”

  “Please Ryan,” she pleaded. “You need to sleep in your own bed. I’ll be fine on the couch.”

  “I still have to finish that research report, so I can’t yet. You might as well take the bed. If the light from the computer won’t bother you, I can use the desk in there. Otherwise, I’ll move out here to the table.” I was holding my breath, hoping that she’d take me up on the offer. I wanted to be near her as long as possible, even if I couldn’t touch her as I wanted. Hearing her breathe as she slept would be enough.

  I took both of our plates to the sink. “Please, Julia. I want you to be comfortable. Do you need a Vicodin?”

  “Maybe, but I hate taking those damn things. They make me so tired, and I’d like to stay up with you for a while.” She moved up behind me and reached around to set the dirty wok in the empty side of the sink.

  I turned and brushed my fingers along her cheek because I couldn’t help myself. “You shouldn’t be in pain. Did Jenna help you with that brace? Is it tight enough?”

  “Yes to both questions. You don’t need to worry about me so much, Ryan. Honestly,” she said quietly.

  “I don’t mean to be over the top, but I will worry about you, Julia. I can’t help it. Come on. Leave this until tomorrow.” I took her hand and led her toward my room. Jen was already asleep, her head resting on Aaron’s chest as he flipped through the channels.

  “See? The couch is occupied anyway,” I teased. “Night, brother.”

  “Night. Thanks again, Jules.”

  She nodded at Aaron and padded softly down the hall behind me. I closed the door and went to turn the computer on. She waited by the door until the soft light illuminated the outline of the bed. I met her there, pulled the covers back, waiting for Julia to climb in. “Do you need help getting down? Does it hurt?”

  “I’m fine. It’s getting a little better,” she said bravely but her face showed the pain as she eased herself down on the bed. I pulled the covers up and went to get some water so she could take her medicine. Afterward, I turned to move away. “Goodnight, honey.” The room was cast in a soft blue glow that made her hair and eyes appear almost black, an even sharper contrast to her alabaster skin.

  Julia grabbed my hand. “Hey, can you sit here for a minute? I wanted to talk if you have time.” She patted the bed next to her and I sank down as if I had no will to resist.

  “What is it?” I searched her shadowed features. Her eyes sparkled in the low light, but I wondered what she was thinking. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. I want to go to New York to get some of my things and see my place. I called Ellie and she agrees that it might help me remember.”

  I stiffened in protest. “Julia, I don’t think so, sweetie. Not yet. You’re still healing and this weekend I have to work both days. I’ll have to check my schedule but I don’t think I can go for at least two weeks. Can we just wait and see how you are?”

  One hand was still holding mine and she ran the other down my opposite arm, stopping when she got to my forearm, her little fingers closing around it. “Well, you don’t need to come.”

  “Oh, yes, I do,” I said adamantly. There was no way in hell I would let her go alone.

  “Ryan,” she sighed. “I’m not a child and I’m not going to hurt myself by taking the train to New York.” Her voice was insistent. “I also spoke to my dad. He thinks I’ll be fine and you know how protective he is. If you expect me to believe that we are only friends, then you’ll have to let me go.”

  I was silent for a minute and reached out to brush her hair back. “I know this is hard for you and you feel like I’m dictating and that isn’t my intention. Try to understand my point of view. I almost lost you and I will not take risks with you now. We’ll go, but it can’t be right away, okay?”

  “Jen and I talked earlier. Aaron is working this weekend too, but she isn’t. I knew you wouldn’t want me going alone, so I asked her to go and she agreed. It will give me some time to get to know her better, too. We’ll have a girl’s weekend.”

  “Are you planning on having Ellie meet you as well?”

  “Maybe. Please trust me. We’ll only be gone for three days. That is all the time Jenna has off.”

  “Babe, it has nothing to do with trusting you.” I wanted to be mad at her for even suggesting it, but couldn’t. I fully understood her need to take care of herself. Part of me was terrified that she’d stay in New York and not come back to Boston, but I knew I needed to let her find some independence. My chest felt like steel bands were constricting my breath and making my heart hurt. Panic welled. She sensed it because her little hand found my jaw and grasped my chin, forcing me to look at her. I struggled to push the emotions down.

  “Hey. I’ll be fine.” Her thumb moved over my chin and across my lower lip. I felt a groan rise up as desire fused with the protectiveness I was feeling. “Ryan.”

  “Uh…let’s talk about this tomorrow, sweetheart.” She was tired; the Vicodin would make her more so in minutes and if I didn’t get some distance I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from kissing her or spilling my guts about exactly how much she meant to me. My mouth was already dry and my pulse increased, pushing blood in places I didn’t need her to notice. “I need to get this paper finished and you need to rest.”

  “You need to rest,” she almost whispered. Her voice was so soft and gentle, filled with concern. “You’re not the only one who worries, you know.”

  “I will. Very soon.” I leaned down and bushed my lips against her forehead, inhaling the sweet scent of her skin and shampoo. I allowed myself to open my lips and press another kiss on her temple.

  “I’ll share the bed with you.” The words were barely audible and I wondered if it was my imagination. “It’s big enough. We can have a slumber party.”

  “Mmmm…we’ll see.” I wanted to agree immediately, but I wasn’t strong enough to resist her being so close. If nothing else, my feelings would pour out in waves. If I did give in to that guilty pleasure, she’d need to be fast asleep first so the temptation wouldn’t be so agonizing. “Goodnight…” my love, my mind screamed.

  Fuck, I thought as I sat down in front of the computer. I seriously needed to work, but I was so damn distracted. I fisted my hands in my hair. I knew she needed to get her independence back, but I was so damned scared of letting her leave. It would be three days of hell. I glanced over my shoulder at her, lying in the bed. Julia lowered her arm toward me, beseeching me to come to her. It was all I could do not to run back to that damn bed and gather her close.

  I sat there in the dark listening to her deep breaths until I was sure that she was asleep. I’d never felt so damn protective. I wanted to feel her heart beating next to mine, needed to feel her breath rush over my face and touch her soft skin with my eager fingertips.

  I tried to focus on the article in front of me. The screen blurred before my eyes and I realized how exhausted I really was. I didn’t want to leave, to collapse on the couch in the other room. It took all my strength, but finally, that’s exactly what I did.

  ~5~

  The light was shining through my closed eyelids so I rolled onto my side and threw my arm over my face. Pain shot through my body. I moaned in protest and opened my eyes. Despite my arguments, I was in Ryan’s room, in his bed…alone. He didn’t take me up on my slumber party offer and must have gone into the living room when he finished studying.

  I was filled with disappointment. As confusing as this whole thing had been, he was the one point of light, my stability in what could have been a nightmare. I knew I could count on him unconditionally. I also knew we were more than friends. I felt it in my heart, felt it in my body…in my very soul. My eyes blurred with emotion. Why couldn’t I find Ryan in my mind, when he was obviously the most important person in my life? It hurt me and, worse, it hurt him. The pain on his face whenever he asked me if I remembered and I had to tell him no, crushed me. I pushed myself into a sitting
position. More pain throbbed through my ribcage, even though I tried to use only my arm and not the muscles in my stomach or back, but somehow, it didn’t hurt as bad as my heart. I brushed two single tears off my face and stood up slowly. I wanted to see Ryan and more, feel him.

  I opened the door to the bedroom and the apartment was quiet. No one was up and as I walked into the living room, my eyes were drawn to the couch. The comforter and pillow Ryan used were folded and stacked neatly on the cushions. My heart fell. He must’ve gone to the hospital early even though he made no mention of it the night before. He works so hard. He’s so dedicated and caring. So gorgeous and giving. I started to run my hands through my hair, but lifting my arms above shoulder level was excruciating and I stopped with a grimace.

  I went into the kitchen and the dishes from the night before were washed, dried and put away. I flushed. Ryan. I busied myself making coffee and pulling out the things I needed to make the blueberry muffins I’d promised Aaron. It made me feel useful to do something for them. I opened the refrigerator and found the eggs, milk and blueberries. There were lemons in the drawer with the berries and I pulled three of them out as well. Muffins were easy and I decided to make lemon poppy seed, too. Provided, of course, there were poppy seeds in the spice drawer. I opened it and ran my fingers over the labels until I found them. My fingers hesitated as something flashed through my mind. I stopped. I knew exactly where to find everything. A smiled brightly as the knowledge settled over me. I was still grinning when Jenna came down the hall. I was mixing the batter, and turned to preheat the oven.

  “What are you smiling about, girl?” Jenna asked as she took down two cups and filled them with the freshly brewed coffee. She sat one next to me and took hers to the breakfast bar, plopping down on one of the stools. She looked ruffled, but her skin held a healthy pink hue and her eyes sparkled with amusement.

  “Um…I realized I know where everything is. It’s great, isn’t it? I mean…I’ve cooked here before and remembered, right?”