by Kahlen Aymes
“It evoked a lot of things, Ryan, but what I remembered was the love…some physical pain.”
“Uh huh…that would have been our first time. I’m sorry that’s the only part of it you remember. It was…the most incredible night of my entire life. Knowing no one else had touched you…it meant everything to me, Julia. I thought I loved you before, but that…wrecked me.”
“This wasn’t so bad.” She smiled softly.
“Incredible, but it only leaves me wanting more.” My finger touched the end of her nose and a smile spread across my face. She was glowing; so, so beautiful. Just stunning. My breath hitched.
“Even now…no one else has touched me, Ryan. I told you, I remember the love more than anything else. Even when I couldn’t remember you, I was burning for you to touch me.”
“I know, Julia. I can’t…express what I’m feeling.” I bent to kiss her, sucking her lower lip between mine. The kiss deepened and while soft and searching, it was hot, the saltiness of the remnant tears on my lips and tongue.
“Isn’t that what has worried you? That I wouldn’t feel the love behind the memories?”
“Yes.” And the loss of the baby. My heart ached at the thought, trying to hide the pain in my eyes.
“Do you believe that I love you now? Can’t you feel it when I touch you?” she whispered against my mouth when we broke the kiss, and I took her mouth again. Now that I’d started, I couldn’t seem to stop. She needed to understand why I’d fought it so long.
“Yes. In time we’ll have new memories and the pain over it will fade. I’m glad that making love didn’t hurt you, sweetheart.”
“It was perfect.” She drew her index finger down my cheek and then to my lower lip. I bent and sucked the tip of it into my mouth; our eyes locked. My body stirred anew and I needed to prove to myself it was real.
“Ryan…can you please try to see things differently, just for a second? I got two first times with you,” she murmured so softy, I had to strain to hear her. “To fall in love with you twice, and experience it all over again with you, so please don’t be sad. I’m happy.”
“Julia.”
“Shh…I am. Tell me about us. We were best friends before we became lovers, is that right?”
I nodded and rolled her over, so that I could press into her, bending to kiss the curve of her neck. I spoke against her luscious skin. “Yeah, but I always loved you.”
“Why did we wait then?” she asked breathlessly, one hand moving to tangle in my hair, the other drifting delicately down my back.
I let out my breath as she surged beneath me. If I moved just an inch or two, I could slide inside her again and I wanted it. My dick swelled until the skin felt it would split like a grape. “Hmmph. Because we were blind and stupid, I guess.”
Julia stilled and stared up into my face.
“But…why?” she asked quietly and brushed her mouth on mine. I didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to feel, but this was serious.
“Honey…I’m not sure how much I should tell you,” I said hesitantly.
“Ugh!” she sighed in frustration and pushed away from me to sit up slightly. “Look, Ryan. Do you know what this is about?” she asked, exasperation lacing her voice.
This was not where I wanted this to go and my mouth set. “I have a pretty good idea, yeah,” I said.
“So? Did it happen when we were friends?”
“No.” I pulled her toward me again and propped my head up on my bent arm, looking down at her. I got her point. “Okay, I’ll tell you some of it.” I used my free hand to run down her arm and then took hers. Julia searched my face; a slight smile curved her pink lips up at the corners. “We were both afraid of changing the nature of our relationship. We spent every day together. If we got romantic and it didn’t work out…” I shook my head. “Even though I wanted you and was so much in love, I couldn’t risk it. We needed each other, and so we just…kept things the way they were.”
“But…wasn’t it hard? I mean, it’s been killing me being this close to you without, you know, being with you.”
“Julia,” I sighed softly and pulled her tight against me. Her naked body was warm and soft against mine and I wanted her again. “Yes, it was agony. Being near you and not touching you drove me crazy with wanting you,” I whispered and touched the tip of her nose with my fingertip. “It was all I could do not to murder the guys you dated.”
“You were jealous.” She smiled softly, her emerald eyes sparkling. I nodded. “Some things haven’t changed.”
“I’ve always thought of you as mine.”
“When did we fess up?”
“When I got accepted to Harvard, there was no denying it anymore. The prospect of being apart hurt so much; I couldn’t breathe when I got the acceptance letter. All I could think about was being away from you.”
“I can imagine I felt the same way, hmmm?” She snuggled into me and placed a sucking, open-mouthed, kiss where my neck met my shoulder.
“Completely, yes. Only…You had some hare-brained idea that we should stay away from each other those last two months to get acclimated to separation. Hmmph. I was a moron for allowing it.”
“Yes,” she agreed and cocked an eyebrow at me. “How could you let me be so stupid, Matthews?”
“Don’t you mean how could we be so stupid?” She looked so happy, her face and chest flushed from the aftermath of our lovemaking.
“Good question. I must have wised-up because I convinced you that you needed to move to New York. However, shortly afterward, you got a job offer that put you in L.A. for six months. We burned up the phone lines until finally we admitted our real feelings…we made love for the first time and then there was no choice but to do whatever was necessary to get closer to each other.” My hand continued to move over her body, exploring every inch of her exposed skin with leisurely slowness. “Still, New York was too far.” Her features were calm as she listened intently, running little patterns on my chest with her index finger. It seemed safe to continue. “As you may have guessed, I was planning on moving to New York for my residency after graduation so we could be together. Finally.”
I stopped before I told her about the engagement or Paris. I bent to kiss her, letting my tongue enter her mouth and once again covered her body with my own. “Uhhh…It feels good to finally be able to talk to you about some of this,” I said as the kiss ended.
“What about Paris?” she asked hesitantly.
“How do you know…?” I was nervous that it might lead to thoughts of the baby. I mentally stopped. Sometime I’d have to deal with her grief…and mine. Just not on this perfect night.
“Meredith asked if I wanted to go to Paris when we talked on the phone and then I remembered.”
“What came back?” I asked anxiously.
She shrugged. “The offer to go to Paris; the job and my stupidity at even considering leaving you.” Her eyes flashed and I touched her cheek again. “How do you put up with me?”
“Well,” I smirked, “I’m hopelessly in love with you. You see, I have no choice.”
“Yeah. You’re so helpless, Matthews,” she teased with a smirk. “Can’t we still do that?”
Move to Paris? I needed clarification. “Do what?”
“Move in together.” Relief consumed me. “You can still do your residency in New York, right?” Her hands were sliding over my butt muscles kneading and pulling me closer into her and I swelled against her even more. God, I loved her.
I sighed; my chest filling until I thought my lungs would burst. “If that’s what you want. Nothing would make me happier, Julia.”
“I want you. Always.” She pressed her pelvis toward mine and I groaned. “See?” The corners of her mouth lifted but her deep green eyes were serious as she stared into mine.
“Obviously, the feeling’s mutual.” I took her hand and brought it to my erection. Her eyes widened and she hesitated just a second before her hand closed around it and her thumb rubbed over the head. “Mmm…tha
t feels amazing.”
“You’re so sexy. The things you say, your voice, you’re so beautiful, I just…”
“Mmmm. You’re all of those things and more.” I shifted her, moving her body beneath mine, her legs parted and the searing heat coming off of her burned me alive.
“This time…you’ve swept me completely off of my feet. Who could resist the most gorgeous man in the world, saying such tender things, and saving my life? And to top it all off…you tell me you’re in love with me. I’m completely at your mercy.”
Sadness tempered the ecstasy of the moment. “You didn’t really get to experience it twice…baby,” I said sadly, despite my intense state of arousal.
She looked up at me with intent eyes, trailing her fingers down my cheek. “No…But you did. So please, don’t be sad.”
My eyes widened as the verity of her words stunned me. She was right. Everything about being with her was a gift. How could I have been so damn blind?
“You’re incredible,” I said after a moment.
“Ryan…” I could see the concern in her eyes because of the show of emotions flashing over my face.
“Thank you, Julia.” I rested my head next to hers and breathed in her sweet scent as I closed my eyes. “Just…thank you.”
“For what?” Her fingers stroking the back of my head felt like heaven.
“For forcing this. For making me get my head out of my ass and for coming back to me. Because, you are back now, Julia. This is how we are. You’re still my baby. Maybe it will work to my benefit that you can’t remember everything. I might be able to get by with more,” I teased.
Her eyes sparkled with laughter, even as I tried to blink away the tears in my own.
“Don’t count on it,” she shot back.
I chuckled. Who was I kidding? She gave me everything I wanted…then and now.
Calm spread through me. I now had clarity from all the confusion. I knew what I wanted…what had to happen. My hand closed around the fingers of her left hand and I kissed the inside of her wrist and then the top of her hand. I held it there, brushing my lips over her skin. She looked satisfied and happy. I knew without a doubt that she was mine forever. Whether she remembered or not; I wanted nothing more than to be her husband and the father of her children. We’d talk, but now, I wanted to just feel.
“Let’s make love again,” I murmured against her mouth, my body pressing into her warm wetness and growing so hard the pulsing caused a painful ache. It was ridiculous how Julia made me want and want and want. Her hands were pressing on my shoulders and I looked down at her in confusion. “Do you want me to stop?”
“Never. I want to taste you. Will you let me?” she asked, as she continued to push me until I was lying back on the pillows. She bit her lip and moved above me. “I may not be very good at it, but I want to try.”
My body tightened, engorging to the point of pain at her words, and my eyes fell to her mouth. That sweet mouth that could take me to heaven or hell.
“Oh, sweetheart,” I gasped as her hands roamed over my chest and abdomen, her fingers grazing my nipples before stroking lower and closing around me. “Ugh…you’re amazing at it,” I moaned softly.
“It must be because I love you so much, then. You’re so hot, Ryan. So gorgeous. I could look at you forever.”
She squeezed and pulled and finally bent to take me in her mouth. So hot and wet…just exquisite. My head fell back against the pillows as I let her take me over, losing myself in the delicious sensations.
“Uh…” I grunted as her tongue circled and teased the head before she took me in deep and sucked hard. Over and over she tormented me with teasing licks and then long strokes up and down until I could barely stand it. My fingers threaded through her hair because I had to touch her, even as she brought me closer and closer to the edge of release. “Julia…Ahh…baby it’s so good. Too good.”
“Mmmm…Ryan,” she breathed against me and then ran her tongue down my length. “I can taste you…It’s familiar, I remember it, babe.”
“Stop or you’ll make me come too fast. It’s too much.” It only made her more determined to take me over the edge. The fingers of her left hand splayed out on the muscles of my chest as she pressed me back down and I was helpless to resist. “Uhhh…I love you, baby,” I groaned out as her mouth and hands continued with their magic. My body coiled and throbbed and I knew it was over. I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to. “Oh, God…uh, I’m gonna come…” She didn’t let up, taking me deep, her lips so hot and tight around me as I released hard into her mouth and throat. Her muscles contracted, her forehead resting on my stomach and I couldn’t help thrusting deeper into her mouth as she took every drop. Physically and emotionally, I was overwhelmed. This was the woman I loved more than life, giving with such abandon. My legs trembled and when I finally relaxed after the orgasm subsided, I was breathing hard and my arms felt empty.
“Julia…come here.” She released me and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. I sat up and gathered her close until she was lying on top of me, her head resting on my chest and stomach. She continued to place kisses on my stomach and her hot breath rushed over my skin.
“Do you know how much I love you?” I asked thickly. Her arms tightened around me and she nodded before looking up into my face. Her eyes were filled with tears. “More than anything in the world.” My own throat stuck on the words and my arms tightened around her. I loved the feeling of her breasts pressed into my chest, her legs entwined with mine. It was real. It was perfect, and it was us. “I really love you, Julia. You give me everything and you’re all I want.” My fingers brushed her hair away as I bent to kiss her forehead.
Her shoulders were shaking. She was crying, but not in sorrow.
“Ryan,” she said thickly. “I can’t imagine that I loved you any more before the accident, did I?”
“No. It’s always been sort of surreal. It’s…unbelievable.”
Julia’s hot breath washed over my skin and my hand ran through her hair to smooth the satin strands out on her back over and over to soothe her. The candle still flickered softly and the music played. I couldn’t bring myself to get up in order to turn it off.
“Yeah. I really love you, too.” We stayed like that, stroking and softly breathing in the aftermath of our lovemaking. No more words were needed as we slowly drifted to sleep. We’d already said it all.
*****
I woke to the smell of bacon and coffee, my arms searched the bed for Julia. I rolled onto my back and threw my arm over my eyes. Of course she won’t be here, she’s making breakfast, dickhead; I chastised myself and grinned like a fool. Last night had been incredible. Every time I touched her, heaven.
I grunted, crawled off the bed and pulled on my jeans. I didn’t bother with underwear, I was too anxious to get to my girl.
At the stove, her back to me, Julia hummed softly as she cooked. I pulled out one of the stools at the counter bar and sat down. The scuffing of the chair on the floor startled her. She jumped and turned quickly. Her legs were bare and she had on one of my t-shirts, coming to mid-thigh. “Mmmm…You look good enough to eat,” I murmured and leaned on the counter toward her.
“Maybe later,” she teased.
“Promise?” I pulled at the crotch of my jeans which were getting uncomfortable at the reaction of my body. Jesus, we’d made love all night and, still, I wanted more.
“Long cruise, was it sailor?” She chuckled and cocked an eyebrow as she set a small plate of toast in front of me. I picked up a piece and took a huge bite.
“Yeah. Too long,” I said seriously. “Let’s not do that again.”
Julia took the eggs from the skillet and placed them on two plates with the bacon, some chopped fruit and hash browns.
“Well, now that I see what I’ve been missing…I don’t intend to be missing it.” Her eyes were sparkling as she placed a plate in front of me and pulled the juice from the refrigerator. As I watched her every move, I decided I didn
’t want another minute without her. She plopped down next to me and picked up her fork. Without speaking, my hand found a place over my heart on my bare chest. I sucked in my breath and my heart exploded.
“Julia.”
“Hmmm?” she said distractedly as she took her first bite. When I didn’t answer, her eyes flew to mine. “Ryan, what is it?”
“Julia…will you marry me?”
“Yeah,” she lifted her left hand in front of my face and waved it around. “See?” She smiled sweetly and leaned in to place a kiss on my mouth. My lips parted and my fingers flittered across her check.
“Yes, but I don’t want to wait. I love you and we’ve been apart too long…waited too long,” I said urgently.
Her eyes widened. “You’re serious.”
I nodded and took her left hand in mine. “Nothing would make me happier than if you’d agree. Please?”
“When?” Her expression showed her surprise.
I pulled her hand up, brushing my mouth over her skin softly. “It doesn’t matter where or when exactly.” I shrugged slightly. “Today, tomorrow, next week or next month, but not beyond graduation. If nothing else in my life is set, I’m sure I don’t want one more moment without you as my wife.” I stared into her stunned face, not flinching. I was dead serious. “I’ve loved you from the day we met and every day I love you more, if that’s possible. I lived without you and I don’t intend to anymore. I can’t.”
Her eyes welled as she gazed at me. It seemed all I did lately was make her cry. My heart squeezed painfully. I knew she loved me. It was there in her eyes and the tremulous smile lifted her luscious lips.
“Okay.” The word was so soft I barely heard it, but her gentle hand reached out to stroke my face and two fat tears rolled down her cheeks. My heart leapt.
