“That’s not you, Lexie. Just because you remember it. Remember how that... soul felt about it. Doesn’t mean you feel that way about it too.” He whispered to me, his lips in my hair. “That’s not you Lexie.” I nodded, he was right. I knew he was right.
“It just feels…”
“Like it was you?” He asked gently. I nodded. “Lexie, you are so far away from being that. You don’t want to hurt people.” I snorted. He sighed. “Alright, if they hurt you. Yes, you want to hurt them. But you never go after them first.”
“I went after Trisha.” I pointed out wiping my face.
“And I heard you apologized for that.” He countered. “You realized it wasn’t the right thing and you tried to make it right.” He rubbed his chin on the top of my hair. “Even with how horrible she was to you. That soul would never have done that.”
“The fucking memories…”
“How do you feel about them now? Now that the soul isn’t here?” He asked softly. I thought about it. The memories were disgusting, horrifying. Like a slide show for the psychotic.
“I want to puke just thinking about them.” The tears were slowing down. “They are probably the sickest things I’ll ever see in my life.” Miles squeezed me tight.
“Then that is how you feel about them. About what that person did in their life.” He stopped rubbing his chin on my hair again. “He made you feel the way he felt about it. That’s…. sick, invasive and....” He swallowed hard. He was trying not to say a particular word. So, I gave him another one.
“Violating, that’s the word you're looking for.” I offered the crying slowing down some more. Miles was making sense, smoothing out all the broken pieces inside me again.
“Yes, it is.” He agreed before taking a calming breath. “In fact, there is probably a debate going on right now over whether or not we’re going digging tonight.” I snorted. The guys would want to destroy the soul that did this to me. They couldn’t get to Trisha, but they could get to that bastard.
“They can’t,” I said quietly.
“Does that soul really deserve to move on? Does he really deserve to exist?” Miles' voice was growing colder.
“I can’t be judge, jury, and executioner.” I pointed out. “I’m not God. And I don’t know what goes on after this. Maybe you do have to pay for everything you’ve done wrong. Maybe not. But I can’t play God.” I wiped my cheeks, moved my face out of his shirt and looked up at him. His eyes were unfocused.
“Do you think there is a God?” He whispered softly. It was a good question. I saw souls everywhere, and I've seen them move on, I’ve seen one be destroyed. But…
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “Everything I’ve seen has been, well, like the world is on autopilot. It’s going the way it’s set up to go.” I sighed. I remembered meeting my true self and her getting bitched at by someone, but I didn’t know what that meant. “So, no, not until I see something else that makes it seem like there is someone in charge. No. I don’t.” His warm emerald eyes ran over my face, the corner of his mouth lifted.
“Fair answer.”
“But I really like the idea of assholes and sick fucks getting what’s coming to them in the end,” I told him honestly. He snorted, his arms loosened on me. His hand came up to my face, his thumb running over my cheek.
“I do too, Lexie.” He said softly.
“Sorry to interrupt.” Isaac’s voice came from the door. Miles let go of me as we both started to sit up and lean back against the headboard. Isaac was holding a whimpering Hades. My stomach knotted at the sound. “Hades is upset he’s not with Red, I think.” He walked over to the bed and handed me the still whimpering dog.
“Hades, baby, what’s wrong?” I asked holding him to my chest. I knew he couldn’t answer or understand, but I always talked to Hades. It seemed normal to me. He nosed came up towards my neck and licked me. His eyes and nose went to my face then the whimpering stopped.
“He stopped. What was that?” I asked them.
“How long was he doing that?” Miles asked pushing his glasses back up his nose.
“Since I took him out there so you two could talk,” Isaac explained. “Last time he saw Red, she was crying.” I looked down at my puppy. He did not like not being with me when I was upset.
His big blues eyes had run over my face before he laid down on my chest, his nose going to my neck.
“Looks like if you’re upset, we need to keep him with you,” Miles said. I nodded. Isaac headed back out the door. “Are you alright, Lexie?” I took a deep breath and let it out as I took stock.
“Yeah, I feel like me again. Gross, sickened out me but me.” I looked up at him. “I just wish there was such a thing as brain bleach.” He gave me a half grin.
“That would come in handy.” He admitted. “Maybe there is a way to get rid of them in the Veil? Burn them out or something.” I went still.
“Miles, you’re a fucking genius.” I looked at him. He raised an eyebrow.
“Why this time?”
“There is a way to do that. I found it on accident, but it’s a way.” Then I remembered how much one memory hurt to get rid of. It hurt like a bitch. I needed to get rid of a lot of fucked up shit. If I managed it, it was going to be awful, and after last night with the guys… “We might need to take a vote.”
“Why would we need to vote about this?” His eyes ran over me, the worry back in his eyes.
“Cause it’s going to hurt. A lot. And I don’t know what will happen after. If there’ll be an after burn or if I’ll get locked up again.” I answered him honestly. “I don’t know what to expect.” Miles took a breath, his eyes ran over me.
“I’ll get the others.”
“No,” Asher said firmly. “Hell no.” I took a deep breath and reminded myself to be patient. I was still sitting in bed, my back leaning against the headboard. I had Hades laying on my legs, his chin resting on my bent knees. I had started petting him when we started discussing how I could get rid of those memories. He was out cold now.
“Asher.” Miles' voice was calm and patient. “You need to listen to what she is saying.” Asher’s hand was rubbing the back of his neck, his face drawn.
“I know the memories suck, but this is her mind we’re talking about.” Asher shot back at Miles.
“Those memories...” Miles began his voice growing colder.
“Are from a serial killer, I know.” Asher took a deep breath and looked at me. “Ally, you can’t fuck with your memory. You said so yourself that you don’t know what the after effect would be.” I was tired; I had just woken up, and I was already exhausted. All I felt was a numb and a heavy weight in my chest.
“Ash.” I tried again to be calm and reasonable. “Those memories-”
“Are sick, horrible and fucked up. But you don’t know what will happen after.” Asher’s voice was firm but shook just a bit. “How can you be sure you won’t erase everything? How do you know when you wake up you will remember anything?”
“It doesn’t work that way.” I tried again to make him understand. “I tested with one memory, and it hurt like a bitch. I have to pick exactly what I’m getting rid of. There is no way I’m going to erase everything.”
“That was one memory Ally. And it hurt a lot. Right? Think about how much you want to dump.” He pointed out his eyes rough. “You were already tortured once last night. Do you really want to go through it again?” I couldn’t take it.
“God damn it, Ash!” I shouted. I couldn’t believe I was going to have to tell all of them. I met his rough gaze with mine. “You think I would do this just to get rid of some fucking memories?” My hands started shaking.
“Isn’t that what you want to do?” Isaac asked from his spot on the end of the bed. I shook my head. My eyes filled as I told them.
“It’s not the memories I’m trying to get rid of.” My voice was tired, soft and quiet. “That fucker made me feel the way he did about them.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Zeke push awa
y from his spot on the wall next to the bathroom door. I kept my eyes on Asher’s. “Every murder, every torture, every rape of twenty-two women. I felt how he enjoyed it, how he liked it.” The room was dead silent. My stomach rolled, and if I had anything in my stomach right now, I’d probably be puking. Asher looked like he took a hit to the gut. No one else moved. “That’s the part I want to get rid of.”
“Ally-”
“I can take more fucking nightmares. I can take the sleepless nights and the bitchy fucking dead. But this…” I took a breath as tears started falling. My voice was shaking now. “This I can’t take.” Zeke moved. “This will break me.” Zeke stepped between Asher and me.
“We’re not voting this time,” Zeke said in his ‘don’t fuck with me’ voice. “She is doing this Asher. You either help or get the fuck out. But we are not leaving that shit in her.” Zeke's back was rigid, his hands were clenched into fists. Asher nodded once. Zeke turned around, came over and sat on the side of the bed. His sky-blue eyes were burning as they met mine. His face was full of more rage than I had ever seen before. He reached out, his hand was shaking as he held my chin, forcing me to keep my eyes on his. “Lexie, you do your thing.” His voice was a strange mix of hard and soft. Of command and understanding. “Do what you have to do to get that shit out. Every feeling that fucker had, get it gone.” I nodded. “We’ll have the doc on standby, and we’ll deal with any after effects. But get that shit out of you.” His eyes ran over my face then met my eyes again. “You hear me?” I nodded and took a deep breath. No one in the room objected this time.
“I hear ya.” Satisfied, he let go of my chin and reached for Hades.
“I’ll watch him while you’re down.” His hands were gentle as he lifted the puppy off my legs.
“Don’t spoil him,” I mumbled trying to lighten his mood.
“Oh, I’m spoiling the fuck out of him.” He admitted immediately. “Now do what you have to do.” I nodded.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Then I went down to my center. It was almost as natural as breathing now. I looked around the white sandy plain and smirked. This was going to feel so fucking good. I thought of the edge of my center and was jerked there immediately. I was looking out on that field of stars again. I’d never been so happy to see them in my life. Because Miles had been right. What that soul did to me was…. invasive and violating. I didn’t want to remember it. I could get rid of the memories over time, but I wanted those feelings gone now. I needed them gone. I tried to get them all at once, but I couldn’t get a grasp on all of them. I was going to have to do this one victim at a time. I took the worst one. She had been twenty and a waitress. I took the memory of those feelings and formed them into a metal ball. It was black and oozing. But it formed. I checked to make sure I got all his feelings about that woman; I didn’t want a single one. I looked at the ball hanging over the edge and dropped it. A searing pain filled my head dropping me to my knees. It went on for what felt like an eternity. When it finally stopped, I was gasping while on my hands and knees on the ground. Blood was dripping from my nose onto the white sand. I sat back on my butt in the sand and looked out at the field of stars. When I was ready, I looked back at that memory of the waitress. I sighed in relief. All I felt was horror and disgust. I didn’t bother to get up. I went to work on the next memory’s feelings. This woman had been a second-grade teacher. She had fire in her. She was cursing the fucker up until he gutted her. I made the sick metal ball again, with its boiling surface. I braced myself and dropped it. Lightning slashed through my head like every brain cell was suddenly trying to escape. My body jerked as I fell to the sand. It didn’t last as long as the last one, but it still knocked me on my ass. I opened my eyes to find myself on my back in the sand. Two down, only twenty to go. I laid in the sand and continued to drop metal balls of that fucker’s feelings. I jerked, I convulsed, I screamed, and I bled. I hoped my real body wasn’t doing this in front of the guys. I didn’t stop, not until the last one was gone. My mind felt torn up, but at least it fucking felt clean again. Or as clean as it could get with those memories still in my head. And right now, I’d take it. I didn’t even bother to stand up. I pulled myself out.
I opened my eyes and immediately closed them again. It didn’t hurt, I was just so fucking tired. I felt wet on my face, and my ears but I really didn’t care. I was just going to fall asleep, but I heard the guys.
“Back... tired… nap...” I mumbled before I started dropping into sleep. I felt a hand give mine a squeeze. I smelled wintergreen. Then everything was gone.
I opened my eyes and blinked against the light. I felt so much fucking better. I wasn’t at a hundred percent or anything near it, but it was so much better than where I had been. I double checked my memories. I knew what happened. I remembered that he that sicko had poured his sick memories and feelings into me. But I didn’t feel his feelings about them anymore. Oh, big fucking relief. I sat up and put my feet on the floor. The world spun like a top.
“Whoa,” I mumbled as I closed my eyes and waited. Hands were on my shoulders. I got a whiff of vanilla and cinnamon. “Dizzy.” I tried to reassure Asher, but I kept my eyes closed. He didn’t say anything, he just waited. When the world wasn’t moving again, I opened my eyes. Asher was sitting in a chair across from me, his neck red from rubbing and his ocean blue eyes were rough as the sea in a storm.
“Do you remember me, Ally?” He asked his face pale. I nodded.
“You cook. You have a bitch for a sister, a dick for a dad. And the poor taste to hang out with me.” I smirked at him. He grinned back, but it was strained.
“And do you know my name?” I raised an eyebrow at him. He needed the reassurance.
“Your name is Ashley,” I said in a sweet voice with my mischievous grin. Asher chuckled then seemed to relax.
“That fucking smile,” Asher mumbled shaking his head.
“Yes Ash, I remember you.” I reached over and patted his knee. I didn’t have a lot of comforting in me right now. I looked around the room. The light had shifted from earlier. “How long was I out?” He sighed deeply with relief.
“Four more hours. It’s around two right now.” I looked back at him. He had his worried face on again.
“What’s wrong Ash?” I asked gently, or as gently as I could manage right now. His eyes ran over me before going over my shoulder.
“Did you get them all?” He asked his voice strained. Asher was struggling today.
“Yeah, all those feelings are gone.” I gave him a small smile. Asher nodded.
“Ally... I didn’t...” He paused then met my eyes. “I wouldn’t have argued with you if I knew what that-”
“I know Superman,” I assured him. He blinked at me. “I just didn’t want to tell anybody about it.”
“I’m sorry Ally.” I nodded that I heard him. Then his eyes narrowed. “Superman?”
“It’s your nickname now.” I grinned at him. He frowned, his eyes confused.
“Why Superman?” I smiled.
“Ask me when I’m not so tired.” I offered. I really didn’t want a long discussion right now. He gave me a small smile.
“Okay.” He agreed then he took a breath. “I’ll go make you some food. You haven’t eaten all day.”
“You are a God among men,” I told him seriously. He snorted as he headed out the door. Asher told someone I was up. Miles walked in, his eyes running over me, his face concerned.
“Are you feeling better?” He asked quietly.
“Ooh so fucking better, it was like brain bleach,” I told him earnestly. He grinned at me. “Thank you, Miles.” He blinked at me.
“For?”
“For climbing in, for the cuddle,” I said trying to make light of it. “I know you're not always comfortable touching me.” His cheeks tinted pink. “And I’ve embarrassed you. I need to learn to shut up sometimes.”
“Your welcome Lexie, I’m probably going to be uncomfortable around you for a few days.” He admitted. Th
en I remembered something.
“No, you won’t. Aren’t you flying out to Nevada tonight?”
“Yes, I am.” His voice weary.
“What’s wrong sweetie?” I asked gently. It was never that hard for me to get Miles to talk.
“I’m trying to figure out where to take Autumn. Dates aren’t a big area of my expertise.” He admitted. I smiled. I had a perfect idea.
“How cold is it in Nevada right now at night?” I asked. Miles pulled out his phone and checked.
“Not bad around fifty-five.”
“Okay, here’s what you do.” I began. “When you rent a car at the airport, get a truck.” He raised an eyebrow. “Then when you’re taking her out, have the back filled with pillows and blankets.” Both of his eyebrows went up, as he started to turn red. So I quickly explained. “Then take her out into the middle of nowhere and go stargazing.” He eyebrows dropped as he blinked at me. “The blankets will keep you guys warm, some hot chocolate and food is an awesome surprise. Romantic, simple and beautiful.” He smiled at me.
“Thank you, Lexie, you just saved me.” He said adamantly. I winked at him.
“That’s what family does.” I sighed. “How’s Zeke doing? I noticed he was shaking before I went under.” He nodded.
“He had a difficult time until you came out of it and we knew you were okay.” He said. “After that, he distracted himself playing with Hades.”
“And is he still pissed at Asher?” I asked wanting to know what I’d be walking into out there.
“He never was,” Miles said. “He just wanted to cut through the diplomacy… stuff and get you what you needed.” He paused his eyes unfocused. “That and he hates that you have those memories. It’s difficult for him to accept there is nothing he can do about it.”
“Where is he?” I needed to talk to him, let him know it was okay. Miles frowned.
“He won’t talk about it.” He said carefully. “I only know because I’ve known him so long.” I smiled.
When the Dead Come a Knockin' Page 47
