by E. L. Todd
“I don’t want to squish you. That bed is pretty small.”
“You won’t. Besides, I’ll sleep better.”
Conflict was in his eyes.
I pulled the sheets back. “Come on. It’s too cold in here anyway.”
He sighed then kicked off his shoes. Then he lay beside me, pulling the covers over both of us. I snuggled into his side and rested my head on his chest. We fit together perfectly, like we were made for each other. His hand moved through the strands of my hair, relaxing me with every touch. I had to move my arm a certain way because of my IV, but other than that, I was comfy.
I inhaled his scent while we lay together, enjoying the sound of his breathing. I was freezing before he joined me under the covers, but now I was baking. He was a personal heater, keeping me warm despite the chill.
I fell asleep quickly, losing track of my thoughts. I was thankful Cayson brought me to the hospital. If he hadn’t, my pneumonia would have become worse. And I was even more thankful he didn’t call my dad. That would have been a nightmare.
***
When I woke up the next morning, Cayson was staring at my face.
“Did you sleep okay?”
“Yeah,” he whispered. “I woke up a few minutes ago.”
“I told you we wouldn’t get in trouble.”
“Yeah.” His arm was around my waist and we were close together, practically a single person. “How do you feel?”
“A little better…about the same.”
“Give it time.”
The nurse came into the room. “You lovebirds are so cute. You can’t stand to be apart. Adorable.”
I felt my cheeks blush. If I told her we were just friends, she wouldn’t believe me.
“You’re all ready to go. Just change into your clothes and pick up your prescription on the way out.” She pulled out my IV then walked out and gave me some privacy.
Cayson left the bed then handed me my clothes. “Do you need help?”
“I think I can handle it.”
“Okay.” He turned around and closed his eyes.
I untied my gown then pulled it off. Slowly, I put everything back on. The exhaustion would creep into my veins and I would have to take a break, but piece-by-piece, I got everything on.
“Are you decent?”
“Yeah.”
He turned around and helped me out of bed. “Can you walk?”
“Yeah…it just hurts to breathe.”
He grabbed my hand and helped me stand up. Then he put his arm around my waist, supporting me. “Let’s head to the car.”
He drove me home then carried me up the stairs to my apartment. After he placed me on the bed, he opened my drawer and pulled out a pair of pajamas. “You need to stay in bed and get better.” He pulled out my prescription then left it on the nightstand.
“I can’t believe I have to miss class…”
“I’ll get all your assignments and your notes.”
“How?”
“I’ll just talk to your professors.”
“You would do that?” It amazed me how sweet he was.
“Yeah, of course.” He grabbed the covers and pulled them back. “Now get in bed.”
I sighed. “I don’t want to go to sleep.”
“How about we play poker while you relax?”
I would love that. “Cayson, I know you must have other things to do.”
“Don’t worry about that. Now get in bed and I’ll get the cards.”
“Okay.”
He left my bedroom so I could change. Then he returned with the deck of cards. “What are we playing for this time?”
“You still owe me dinner, if I recall.”
“Then how about double or nothing?”
“Ooh…two dinners?”
“Yep.” He shuffled the cards then handed them out.
We played for a few hours, and in the end, I was the victor. “Hmm…where do I want to eat?”
“That’s not fair. Uncle Mike taught you how to play.”
“And how to count cards.”
“Cheater.” He smirked at me.
“Maybe you just suck.”
“Maybe I let you win. Did you think of that?”
No… “Do you?”
He shrugged. “I’ll never tell.”
“Tell me.” I hit his arm playfully.
“Nope.”
“Jerk.”
He laughed and put the cards away. “I guess I should head out…is there anything you need before I go?”
I didn’t want him to leave… What was wrong with me?
He caught the sadness in my eyes. “Unless you prefer me to stick around.”
“No, it’s okay. You should go.”
Cayson kept staring at me. “I’ll sleep on the couch, then.”
I didn’t want him to sleep there. “Could you sleep with me instead?” I didn’t realize how desperate I sounded. He just made me feel good, made me feel warm. With him, I got a good night’s rest despite all the aches and sores.
Conflict was in his eyes. “Sure.”
“You don’t have to…”
“No, I don’t mind. Just let me shower first.”
“Okay.”
He headed into my bathroom then turned on the water. I could hear it run through the walls. He came back with damp hair. His jeans and t-shirt were back on. And he slid into bed beside me. When his arms wrapped around me, I felt relaxed again. Even though I was sick, I felt good. My throat wasn’t so painful and my stomach didn’t hurt. His hand moved through my hair again, lulling me to sleep.
***
“Are you feeling better?” Trinity walked inside and put the pizza on the counter.
“Yes, much.” I stayed on the couch, painting my nails.
“I hear through the grapevine you had pneumonia.” She put a slice on the plate then sat at the counter.
Oh no. That meant my dad would know very shortly. “Who told you that?”
“Cayson.”
I guess it was bound to get out.
“Yeah. I’m better now.”
“Is it…contagious?” She eyed me with a concerned look.
I smirked. “No. You’re safe.”
“Phew.” She munched on her pizza. “I also heard that Cayson stayed with you for three days…”
“Yeah. He took me to the hospital on the first day then helped me get better the second day. Then he went to class the following day but still slept over here.”
“In your bed?” She gave me a pointed look.
I was sick of this accusation. “We didn’t sleep together.”
“Who the hell sleeps with a guy but isn’t into them?” She stared at me like a bat just flew out of my nose. “You seriously can look me in the eye and tell me Cayson isn’t more than a friend?”
“Yes…” I felt pain in my heart the moment I said it. It was the anxiety I felt when I lied. My body tensed up and I felt sick. I hated lying and I was horrible at it. My father taught me at a very young age that lying was unacceptable. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what I felt anymore. Whenever I saw him with Jasmine, my heart hurt. Whenever I didn’t see him or speak to him for days at a time, I missed him. When he didn’t show up at Manhattan Grub like he used to, I didn’t like it. Did that mean something?
“Then answer this. You aren’t related to Theo at all and you’ve known him for just as long. Would you sleep with him?”
“We aren’t as close,” I argued.
“He’s a great guy just like Cayson. What’s the difference? They are both equally attractive.”
“There’s more to it than that…”
“Yeah, I bet there is. I think you love Cayson and you never fell in love with Zack because your heart was already taken. I don’t know why your head is shoved so far up your ass but it needs to come down. Why won’t you just admit it?” Her features softened. “Skye, it’s me. You can tell me anything.”
I was so confused…was it possible I had feelings for Cayson? Could that even happen? What i
f I was but my mind was in denial? What if my heart really felt that way but it wouldn’t admit it to my brain?
“Skye, come on. What are you afraid of?”
A lot of things. “This conversation doesn’t matter because he has a girlfriend.”
She rolled her eyes. “She’s a fuck buddy.”
“It seems like she means a lot more. If she didn’t, he wouldn’t bring her around.”
She studied my face. “Are you telling me the only reason you haven’t told him you have feelings for him is because he’s seeing someone?”
This was getting dangerous. “I don’t feel that way about him. Back off.”
“Whoa…” She held up her hands. “Geez, calm down. Every action you take tells me you’re into Cayson. I’m sorry if I just wanted to know. We tell each other everything so I didn’t think it was a big deal.” She tossed her paper plate in the garbage then headed to the door. “I’ll see you around—when your head is out of your ass.” She walked out, leaving me alone.
I sighed then sunk into the couch, trying to organize my feelings. When I was with Cayson, I loved his touch. I was always comfortable around him, telling him exactly what I was thinking and feeling. We had a great time together. Of all the people in our group, he was by far my favorite. Maybe I did feel something…
But he had a girlfriend. Wouldn’t it be wrong to feel something for him? If he was seeing her, he obviously didn’t feel anything for me. I was just his friend, a sister he wasn’t related to. He’d watched me eat dirt and stick a pencil in my nose. He watched me grow up, making mistake after mistake. He’d seen me without make up more often than my own mirror. How could he even see me in a different way? What if I opened up and told him about these…mixed feelings? Would it make him uncomfortable? Would it push him away? Would it hurt our friendship? And if he did feel the same way and something came of it, what would that lead to? What if we did get together then broke up? Would one of us be ostracized from the group? What would happen?
All of these thoughts kept circling in my mind. Did I feel something for Cayson? I wanted to say no, but I felt a pain deep in my stomach. In the back of my mind, I knew something was there. Trinity was my best friend but I only told her a smidge of the things I revealed to Cayson. He was different than everyone else, special. Why?
Maybe I should just talk to him, tell him what I’m thinking. That would be the responsible thing to do. If he didn’t feel anything, he wouldn’t push me away. It wouldn’t end our friendship. It might be awkward for a while, but it would get back to normal eventually.
But what if I was wrong?
My phone rang and I glanced at the screen. It was my dad. Without answering it, I knew why he was calling. I sighed then took the call. “Hey, Dad.”
“Hey.” The tone in his voice suggested hostility. He didn’t call me by my nickname, which told me everything I needed to know. “So, I hear you were in the hospital.” He could even intimidate me over the phone he was so good at it.
“I knew you were out of the country with Mom and I didn’t want to worry you.”
“You let me make that decision.” His anger was palpable.
“I just had pneumonia—nothing serious.”
“I don’t give a damn what you have. I’m your father and you should have called me.”
“If you were in the country, I would have.”
“Skye, I could have arranged for you to see a better doctor. I could have gotten you a better room. Leaving me in ignorance makes me absolutely useless to you.”
“I didn’t need any of those things. Everything worked out fine.”
“You still should have called me.”
“If I did, you would have sent Uncle Mike and everyone else to my bedside, causing a panic over nothing. It was just a small infection. Cayson took care of me the entire time. He never left my side.”
“And I’m grateful.” There was a small growl in his voice.
“Dad, you’re overreacting.”
“No, I’m not. I’m upset you didn’t tell your mother and I you were unwell. I don’t care if you’re a legal adult. You’re still our responsibility. Do not leave us in the dark—ever again.”
“I only did because you weren’t around. By the time you got back from Paris, I would have been home. You would have wasted your time leaving your meeting early. That’s all.”
“Like I said, you let me worry about that. I have ways of traveling that average people don’t.”
“I’m sorry, okay? I won’t do it again.”
“Promise me.”
“I promise.”
He breathed into the phone. “How are you feeling?”
“Fine. The antibiotics worked and I can breathe easy.”
“Is there something I can get you? Do you need me to speak to your professors?”
“No, Cayson took care of it.”
“He’s a good kid.”
“Yeah…”
“Has that piece of shit bothered you?”
I knew whom he was referring to. “No.”
“Good.”
We sat on the phone for a while. The silence stretched between us. He had nothing left to say and neither did I.
“Pumpkin, I’ll let you go. It’s getting late.”
“Dad?”
“Yes?”
“When you and Mom got together…who had feelings for who first?”
He said nothing for a long time. Silence echoed around the line. “Why do you ask?”
“I’m just wondering.”
“Your mother realized her feelings for me first. At the time, I didn’t feel the same way. It was just a huge misunderstanding. That conflict turned into a huge fight and she left, moved as far away from me as she possibly could. But in her absence, I realized she wasn’t just my best friend.
“Every Saturday night, I went out alone. I went to bars and tried to move on with my life. But the only person I really wanted to be with was her. When I jogged in the park, I wanted to call her and meet her for ice cream. When I was alone in my apartment, I imagined I heard her voice. It quickly dawned on me that she was everything to me. And, simply put, I couldn’t live without her. So, I chased her down and refused to let her go.
“Your mother claims she always felt that way for me but she didn’t realize it. And after our reunion, I realized I felt the same way. When I initially met her in college, I thought she was breathtaking. I didn’t want to be just her friend the moment I laid eyes on her. But I quickly sabotaged that with my own stupidity. In a weird and twisted way, she was always my soul mate. It just took us a very, very long time to figure that out.”
His words echoed in my mind long after he said them. I processed everything, dissecting every meaning and every phrase. My parents were the most devoted couple on the planet, and they weren’t that way just because they were in love. It was because they were friends—best friends.
“Did that answer your question?”
I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. “It did.”
***
Even though it was past nine, I drove to Cayson’s apartment. My heart was beating faster than it ever had. Despite the light sleet on the road, my hands were sweaty. The steering wheel was ice cold and it felt good against my palm. I didn’t turn on the radio because I knew nothing could calm me down.
I was really doing this.
When I pulled into the parking lot, I spotted his car. A light layer of snow was on top of it, telling me he hadn’t left his apartment all day. I stayed in the car, trying to gather my bearings before I went to his door and confessed every feeling in my heart.
God, I was nervous.
If he didn’t feel the same way, it would crush me. But what if he did? What if he felt something, no matter how small and insignificant? What if he and I were meant to have what my parents had? What if our story was similar if not the same? Zack and every other boyfriend I had were completely wrong for me. The only constant men in my life were my father and Cayson.
<
br /> Cayson was everything I wanted in another person. He was my best friend, the person I shared everything with. With him, I was never afraid to whisper my darkest secret. When our hands touched, I felt more than just the heat from his body. When I stared into his eyes, I saw the stars of the universe. I knew this predicament was tricky. Going from friends to lovers wasn’t a simple walk in the park. It took ten years for my parents to get it right. Would it be so hard for us? Or would it be simple? Would I walk to his front door and pour my heart out to him and he would take it? Or would he reject it?
I couldn’t stay in the car anymore even though I wished I could. While I dreaded what I was about to do, I felt compelled to do it. Otherwise, I would just go back to what I was doing before, watching Cayson from a distance, living every moment with him but not really diving headfirst. I couldn’t be a coward. My parents weren’t and I refused to be one.
The walk up his steps was the longest I’ve ever taken. The complex was deathly quiet. Everyone was inside to escape the winter chill. I was immune to the frost. My heart was releasing so much heat that I was sweating.
When I arrived at his door, I stared at it for a long time. I had no idea how our conversation would go once I walked inside. But that didn’t mean I should turn around. I closed my eyes and steeled my nerves. Then I opened them again and knocked.
Shit, there was no going back.
I knocked and I know he heard it. Footsteps sounded behind the door. He was coming closer.
You can do this, Skye. Cayson loved me no matter what. If he didn’t feel the same way, he wouldn’t sacrifice our friendship. He was a good man and I knew he would never do that.
I slowed my breathing, trying to appear calm. But damn, that was hard.
The door finally opened, and my insides spilled onto the floor.
“Skye?” Jasmine cocked an eyebrow while she looked at me. “What are you doing here?”
I looked at her outfit and felt nauseated.
She was wearing one of Cayson’s t-shirts. I recognized it because I bought it for his birthday years ago. It was loose on her, trailing to her thighs.
I couldn’t speak. My mouth suddenly felt dry. I hated picturing him with her, with anyone. Her blonde hair was perfect and shiny. She had flawless skin and perfect facial features. It didn’t surprise me that he wanted her. Who wouldn’t? She had long legs that were toned and defined. She barely had any fat on her. She was skinny, much skinnier than I was. I had flab on my stomach and an ass that would barely fit into my jeans. She was supermodel status. I was…I was plain in comparison.
