by Kent, Julia
Mike snorted but didn’t look up, robotically grabbing a blue sweatshirt, then a pair of torn jeans, then flip flops, all going in the bag by rote movement. “Yeah, Dylan. I was robbed. Of Laura. By you and your stupid, fucked up ideas.”
“Hey, man, you can’t pin this entirely on me.” His own rage swelled inside, ready to match Mike’s molecule for molecule. “You’re the one who primed her not to trust us in the first place.”
The look Mike shot him was pure evil. His heart sank as his ire rose. That wasn’t a look you give to someone you care about. That was a look you get when someone you love turns cold. Turns off. Views you as no one.
It was worse than indifference. And it was a look he had only received once before, from an old girlfriend, and it had made his balls crawl into his throat, his soul shrivel into a shrunken mess, and he had resolved never, ever to let anyone in who could do that to him.
So far he hadn’t.
Until now.
“I fucked up,” Mike huffed. “I own it. But dammit,” he shouted, smacking his dresser top for emphasis, his wallet and change cup falling off the right edge. “We fixed that! She took us back in! And you—you! You wanted to waste all that because you’re so fucking afraid that taking Jill’s money means you accept her death or that you loved her less of whatever fucked up emotional process you have buried deep in your ego. I can’t even look at you,” he added.
Stunned, Dylan couldn’t form a coherent thought to respond. Who was this man? He looked like Mike but might as well have been some psycho twin, come up from the dead to steal Mike’s spirit and destroy their relationship. Mike was never mean. He could be firm, and he could be sarcastic (though rarely), and he knew how to take a stand and hold firm, but he was never, ever an asshole. Had losing Laura really driven him to some sort of psychotic break?
Or was Dylan just way, way off in estimating how much he had hurt Mike by wanting to wait to tell Laura about the trust fund? Was this more about him than he realized—and not in some self-centered way, but more in an “Oh, shit, this is all my fault” kind of way?
Mike strode angrily to the front door, then stopped cold. “Where are my keys?”
“Here.” Dylan tossed them in an arc, Mike’s hand reaching up to catch them. Palm facing Dylan, the movement precise and clipped, like an athlete who had done it hundreds of thousands of times to reach perfection.
Grabbing the doorknob, Mike was halfway out the door when Dylan called out. “Where are you going?”
“My cabin.”
“What about this?” Dylan shouted, sweeping his arm out, indicating the mess.
“Hire someone to clean it up and replace everything. Bill me. I can afford it,” he scoffed, then slammed the door. A muffled shout: “I’m a fucking billionaire!” and then the fading sound of footsteps.
Chapter Five
“Wakey, wakey, sleepyhead!” Josie shouted, yanking open the curtains in Laura’s bedroom, the pink cloth swaying in a pattern that made Laura’s stomach queasy. Ugh. Bad enough she was exhausted; did Josie really need to make her nauseated, too? The coarse sun blinded her with too much, the glare off the world striking her as so harsh, too unyielding. Give her a nice, grey day with white cloud coverage so she could dip herself back into life.
Let her suckle her depression, for it gave her so much comfort. Being a victim meant never having to think through your own actions, not reflecting on regret, and it definitely gave her ample excuse for eating entire pints of ice cream and wallowing in “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” marathons.
It had been a month since the guys...well, there wasn’t an easy word for what they’d done to her. The Big Reveal? The Big Not-So-Reveal? Laura’s Public Humiliation? Whatever you called it, a month had passed and somehow she’d survived, each day an exercise in how not to fall apart.
Grabbing as many sick and vacation days as her boss would allow had given Laura the time she needed to just sit with everything that had happened with Dylan and Mike and process it all. She hated how confusion and hurt made her bitter, had made her scream like that at the very end.
Regret wasn’t quite the word for what she felt now. The never-ending depression seemed appropriate, her days filled with a dragging, a constant loop of sadness in her thoughts, and with no appetite. Not enjoying food troubled her; her stomach seemed to hold all her tension now, a shift she’d never experienced. Reading novels over the years, she’d always been jealous when a character lost her appetite, wishing that were a by-product of her many heartbreaks.
Now she understood. It really wasn’t all she’d thought it would be. The grinding nausea that worsened with any stressor—and who didn’t have stress?—made her curl up in bed and sleep when she could.
“What are you on? The all-orange diet?” Josie had found the remnants of Laura’s dinner, all she could manage these days. Baby carrots, cheese enchiladas and oranges.
Depression really wasn’t the word for what she had been feeling for more than a month, but she didn’t have a better phrase that conveyed how deeply sad their actions had made her. All of the support at work certainly helped, with her boss providing her with plenty of leeway, and friends coming in at times for pep talks. More than anything, she appreciated their steady guidance, with various women running interference with Debbie, who kept finding new ways to ask her to help her hook up with “the other one. You know, the one who looks like Thor.”
Sigh.
“Look, Laura, you can’t keep doing this.” Josie was giving her the hairy eye. “I know you have the day off, but staying in bed and doing the sick thing isn’t helping. And the orange diet is just disgusting. What’s next? Circus peanuts and Cheetos?”
Her stomach decided to swivel a hula hoop around it. “Oh, God, don’t,” she begged, holding her hand over her mouth.
The hairy eyeball got hairier. “You never get sick like this.”
“Sure I did. In college. Hangovers.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t get drunk last night.”
“Maybe it’s the flu.” Laura really didn’t have it in her to argue. The sunshine felt like little daggers scraping against her eyeballs, and her brain was dulled down. Lately, she couldn’t watch real television, her brain only capable of reality TV shows. If she watched another season of The Biggest Loser she was going to start dreaming about Extra Chocolate Mint Ice Cream gum and Subway.
“A month-long flu?”
Laura sat up, propping herself with pillows and holding her breath, wincing as a wave of nausea made her feel like she was puffy and drained at the same time, the sensation so damning she wanted to die. “It can happen.”
“Not—well, no.” Josie went into Laura’s kitchen and she heard her rummaging through the fridge. Please don’t bring me food, she thought. A quick glance at the leftovers from her dinner made bile rise up in her throat. Scooching back down, she reclined again, flipping her pillow to let the cool side touch her sickened face.
Carrying a tall glass of water with bubbles, Josie reappeared. “Drink this.” Laura didn’t want to obey, but she did anyhow. There was a tone in Josie’s voice, the professional nurse giving medical aid and taking no shit. Do this because it’s good for you.
Because I said so.
With crossed arms, Josie watched guard over her, as if Laura’s not drinking the sparkling water would constitute a personal affront. The first sip was almost painful, then the next easier. About halfway through the glass she felt an enormous bubble fill her throat, the resulting belch so unladylike she might have roused a standing ovation from a group of truck drivers in a roadhouse bar.
Josie’s polite golf clap didn’t quite cut it. “Feel better?”
To her surprise, Laura said, “Yes.” And she did. The nausea wasn’t gone, the exhaustion was still so all-pervasive she could feel it in her bones, like poured, wet concrete seeking a low point. But the cloud of doom and sickeningly sour stomach was alleviated, even if fleetingly.
The look on Josie’s face gave Laur
a pause. Her friend looked ten years younger, more like when they’d met, hair pulled back and face scrubbed of make-up, though her long fingernails remained, this time designed to look like hot dogs.
“Hot dogs?” she said, pointing to Josie’s hands. Even saying the name of the food made her stomach lurch.
“I saw the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile and got inspired.”
“Is that a nickname for the guy you’re dating?”
Smirk. “She feels better!” Josie announced to Snuggles, who poked his head out from under the bed and popped it right back, terrified.
Sip. Deep breath. Squint. “Yeah. Just barely.”
“Some flat ginger ale and saltines might help, too.” Wary and watching, the words poured out of Josie’s mouth like a string of curses, the words foreign and unreal.
“You think I’m—what?—you’re crazy— no way!” Nausea returned in a giant tidal wave, her body twisting to the side to retch into a strategically-placed bowl on the ground. Orange. Everything that came up was orange. It made her vomit more, blood vessels bursting on her face, the rolling contempt of the muscles needed to empty her stomach making this all-the-more difficult.
“How long have you been doing that?” Josie asked dispassionately, stepping closer to pull Laura’s hair back as she blew chunks. A box of tissues nearby were within reach; Laura grabbed one and furiously dabbed her lips.
“On and off for the past week. I swear, Josie. Flu.”
“You have a fever?”
“No.”
“Muscle and joint pain?”
“No.”
“When was your last period?”
“I am not your patient!” Fear and dread crept through her, giving her chills. She hadn’t let herself go there. It’s not that the idea hadn’t occurred to her—it most certainly had, especially when the nausea became so middle-grade and pervasive, lifting only late at night. She was on the pill, though, and while she’d stupidly gone bare, not asking the guys to wear condoms, she’d never worried about this. She was on the pill, right?
But there was that one day, Laura, a voice whispered, low and mean. One day.
No! It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours! She’d just forgotten. That wasn’t enough, right?
“No. You’re not. You’re my best friend in a shitty situation with those two assholes and now it looks like it’s taken a turn no one expected.” Kind and restrained, Josie’s voice was simultaneously soothing and frightening. The implications of what she was suggesting were appalling. If she were—if this was— should she actually be—then this was like combining a Jerry Springer show with a Maury Povich paternity episode, all written by Dr. Drew and Judd Apatow.
In other words, a clusterfuck of unimaginable proportions. Because who was the father?
“It’s not what you think,” was all Laura could croak out. Josie handed her the sparkling water and each sip seemed to renew her. “Can we talk about anything else?”
“Oh, like the royal baby?”
“Shut up. Where’s Nice Josie? I’d like her back.”
“Nice Josie is about five seconds away from running to CVS for a few pregnancy tests.”
“NO!” Her harsh tone shocked them both. “NO! I said it’s not that.”
Nice Josie made an appearance, sitting on the bed and taking Laura’s hand in hers, kind eyes measuring her. “OK, OK, I’ll respect whatever you want. But maybe I’ll just appear and make you pee on a stick.”
“You can’t make me,” Laura laughed. The feeling was foreign. It felt good.
Josie arched one eyebrow. “I am a nurse. Vee haf vays ov maykeen you ooorinate.”
Laura laughed again. “I’ll bet you do, you kinky bitch.” Josie pretended to be offended, playfully hitting Laura’s feet with a pillow. Laura kicked back and growled. A cat hissed and sprinted across the room, out into the hallway.
Closing her eyes, Laura leaned back against the pillow. Sip. Exhaustion seeped in again, the room spinning slightly, her eyelids now full of lead weights.
“Go ahead and nap,” Josie crooned. “I’ll be back later.”
“Mmmmkay.” Laura was almost asleep and barely heard her door click as Josie left. Snuggles nosed his way up onto the bed and settled next to her hip, his quiet purr singing her to sleep.
Three seconds later, Josie woke her up. The sun was different—not so stabby—and she heard music in the background. Indigo Girls? No. Adele. How could she get the two confused? Dry mouth made her taste cotton and Snuggles practically fell off the bed as she stretched.
“Josie?”
“Yep.” Gurgle. Ah—making coffee. Just the thought of having to smell it made her inside turn. It was like vomit in the form of an odor these days.
“You making coffee?”
“Yep—want some?”
“God, no!”
“OK,” she answered, her voice a sing song. “I’ll drink it out here while you shower.”
Shower? Laura pulled her pajama top out and sniffed her skin between her breasts. Eh. A bit oily. Sniffed a pit. Whoa! She was ripe. That cotton taste wouldn’t leave, so she finished off the flat sparkling water on her bedside table. Wait. How could she have dozed off for a few seconds if the water was flat?
“How long’ve I been out?” she hollered.
“Three hours.”
Three hours? Damn. She padded into the kitchen and stopped, the wall of java in the air stabbing her sinuses. “How do you drink that shit?” she accused, closing off her nose and breathing through her dried-out mouth.
“This?” Josie said innocently, pointing to her coffee.
“Ugh.” Laura turned away and shouted back, “Just get rid of it by the time I’m out.” Years ago, her grandma had told her she knew she was pregnant when she woke up in the morning and didn’t want coffee or cigarettes. Maybe it ran in the family?
No. Don’t think that way. Just...don’t. Turning on the shower took so much effort. Moving her arm to take off her shirt felt like a Sisyphean task. Sliding out of her pajamas made her feel like she’d run a marathon. A small cup of water stayed down. Damn flu.
The shower’s spray washed away a fair amount of fear and a not inconsiderable amount of nausea, thank God. Wash, wash, wash everything away, all the pain, the exhaustion, the confusion, and the grief. Grief for what she’d wanted with Mike and Dylan, for what they could be doing right now, for losing Mike’s shy smile, Dylan’s jaunty one, for missing out on the New England fall with them, for what could be.
Tentative, she let her hands move the soap where it needed to go, her hand grazing her belly below her navel. Could she— really? She and Ryan had just started to talk about having a baby when she’d discovered he was a fraud. Both had been pleased to find the other willing. A few more years, they’d agreed. It wasn’t time. He had asserted that they needed to bond as husband and wife, first, before bringing in a third.
She snorted. Funny how there already was a third.
The lie mattered, but what also mattered was that she had been ready to think about kids, to imagine pregnancy and birth and babies and toddlers and all the roly-poly love that came with them. If she was pregnant—she allowed herself to think in hypotheticals, her hands mechanically shampooing her greasy hair, the feeling of rinsing like a baptism, washing away the past month of dysfunction—then it would be OK.
Everything would be OK. To be more precise, it would all work out in the end because she absolutely, positively, undeniably was not pregnant. And couldn’t be. It just wasn’t true, and as long as she willed it to not be true, she didn’t have to face any of the long term consequences of having a billionaire baby daddy.
Or two.
A quick rinse was all she could manage as her legs and arms felt like jelly, her body shivering no matter how much she turned the shower faucet for more hot water. Time to get out. A quick toweling and new pajamas, plus a robe, helped with warmth. By the time she wandered out, combing her hair, she still felt the underlying tiredness and a smaller blanket of naus
ea, less intense but more pervasive, like a layer of fascia within her body, ever lurking but not always obviously felt.
Greeting her in the kitchen were Josie, a freshly-washed coffee pot, and three boxes on the kitchen table. Pink, white, and purple.
Ah, fuck.
“Josie!” she wailed.
“You’re really glowing,” Josie replied in a tone of flattery. Snuggles was in Josie’s lap (how had she managed that?) and the cat turned and gave Laura the stare of doom. You’re pregnant! its eyes said. And I don’t care.
“That’s anger, you idiot.” The boxes stood there, judging her. Who came up with the names for these things? Early Pregnancy Test was fine, but First Response? What was she, a 911 call? Little cardboard soldiers of doom, ready to deliver a message from the front lines that she had lost, and it was time to surrender to the truth.
Never surrender!
And now she was quoting cheesy 80s songs in her mind. This was how far she had fallen.
“Water?” Josie poured more sparkling water from the green bottle and handed it to her.
“You just want to make me pee.”
A sweet smile. “I just want to make sure you’re hydrated. It reduces nausea.”
“And makes me need to pee.”
“Does it?” Josie asked, overly innocent and disingenuous. “How convenient.”
Resentment kicked in with a healthy side of sour stomach. “Why are you so determined to prove I’m pregnant?”
Josie leaned in, blinking rapidly, her face serious and relaxed, the look jarring to Laura. She hadn’t seen her friend this still and composed since...well, never. “Because if you are pregnant, ignoring it can only hurt you and the baby. I’m a nurse, Laura. I know how important prenatal care is. I’ve worked labor and delivery and I’ve worked the post-partum wing. I just want to make sure you don’t do anything you might regret.”
“Like what?” A shadow of something sinister crept into the room. What did Josie mean?
“Like ignore the reality of being pregnant and not get early care. Once you know the truth, you can do the right thing.”
