by Helen Warner
‘About you and Charlie Simmons?’ Mimi cut in, almost hopefully.
‘No!’ Martha snapped, feeling a spring of indignation and frustration welling up inside her. ‘Charlie is a friend. That’s all. I went to LA, partly to have a little time out from Dad while we both calmed down a bit and partly because I’m doing Charlie’s memoirs, so I was shadowing him.’
Mimi pulled a face as if she was still trying to decide whether or not to believe Martha.
‘Look, darling,’ Martha continued, crossing the room to sit beside Mimi again. ‘I am really sorry you got teased about those photos but I promise you I am not about to run off with Charlie Simmons. I’m staying here, with you, Dad and Tom. OK?’ She reached over to pull Mimi towards her, and this time Mimi didn’t resist.
‘OK,’ she murmured, allowing herself to be pulled into Martha’s embrace.
After a while, Martha kissed the top of Mimi’s silky head. ‘I’d better go downstairs and see Granny,’ she said. ‘To thank her for looking after you while we were away.’
‘OK,’ Mimi murmured again, looking up at Martha with a wan smile.
Martha got up and flicked Mimi’s music back on. She opened the door as Mimi called out to her. ‘Mum?’
‘Yes?’
‘I’m glad you’re home.’
Chapter 35
Charlie dived into the pool and surged forward through the cool, clear water until he reached the other side and rose up into the hot, thick air to take a breath.
‘Come on, Felix!’ he shouted, as his son’s miniature blurry outline hove into view at the other end of the pool. Charlie rubbed his eyes and Felix became clearer, standing tentatively with his small toes gripping the edge of the pool, as he tried to decide whether to dive in or not.
‘You know it makes it easier if you just plunge straight in!’ Charlie said, grinning as Felix repeatedly bent at the knees, still undecided about whether to dive. Finally, he drew himself up to his full height of not much over four feet and stretched his skinny arms above his head, revealing his ribcage as he did so. After a glancing moment of hesitation, he dived neatly and deftly into the pool.
‘Good work!’ cried Charlie admiringly, as Felix emerged from the water and swam a few short strokes until he was at Charlie’s side.
Felix beamed proudly and Charlie reached out to ruffle his soaking wet curls. He was surprised how good the little boy had become at swimming. The last time he had been in a pool with him, he’d been nervous and lacked finesse. ‘You’ve really come on, haven’t you?’
Felix nodded. ‘Danny’s been teaching me. He said it will help my surfing.’
Charlie flinched slightly, as he always did at the mention of Danny’s name. He didn’t want another man to have taught his son to swim, even though a part of him acknowledged that it was better for Felix to have had a step-father who cared enough to teach him, than one who couldn’t care less.
He wondered if Liv had told Felix yet that she and Danny had split up. He suspected not, by the carefree way Felix had mentioned his name. ‘Danny’s a good teacher . . .’ Charlie said.
Felix nodded happily. ‘Yeah. Can we race?’ he shouted, already gearing himself up to start ahead of Charlie.
Charlie smiled, pleased that what had happened over the last few days hadn’t affected Felix adversely. ‘There and back!’ he yelled. ‘Ready, steady, go!’ Once again, Charlie was stunned by Felix’s speed in the water. He would, of course, have let him win, but he actually didn’t have any choice, as the little boy streaked ahead of him effortlessly.
‘Gee, Dad, you’re slow!’ Felix teased, as Charlie limped in several strokes behind him.
‘Tell me about it!’ Charlie puffed, splashing his face with cold water. ‘So . . .’ he said, as they floated lazily on the surface of the water, getting their breath back. ‘Do you want to tell me what really happened last night?’
Felix righted himself in the water and looked at Charlie nervously. ‘Mum said not to tell you.’ He wrinkled up his face. ‘In case you got cross.’
A bolt of annoyance shot through Charlie. Liv had no right to tell Felix to keep secrets from his dad. ‘I won’t get cross,’ he said, glad that his voice sounded even and calm. ‘Promise,’ he added, when he could see that the boy was still hesitating.
Felix plopped the water distractedly with his hand. ‘I came to find you.’
‘What?’
Felix shrugged slightly. ‘I got up and you weren’t there.’
‘No,’ Charlie said. ‘I was taking Martha out to dinner. To say goodbye,’ he added, ‘because she’s gone home today.’
Felix squinted against the glare of the sun reflecting in the dancing silvery white stars on the surface of the turquoise water. ‘Mum was asleep, but I couldn’t wake her up.’
An alarm bell rang somewhere in Charlie’s brain. ‘Like before?’ he prompted.
Felix shrugged again. ‘I don’t know. Anyway, I came to find you.’
‘How did you come to find me?’ Charlie’s heart had started to hammer alarmingly and it had nothing to do with the swimming race.
‘I let myself out of the gate and walked.’
The simplicity of Felix’s description somehow made the horror of what he was saying a million times worse. ‘By yourself?’ Charlie gasped, already knowing the answer. The thought of Felix’s tiny figure wandering those pitch black, winding, potholed streets all by himself was so utterly terrifying that for a second Charlie felt as if he might be sick. Every single awful scenario of what might have happened ran through his brain at lightning speed.
Felix looked down and began to make swirling movements with his hands. ‘Then that guy came to get me in a really cool car.’
‘Jamie?’ Charlie could feel his lip curl at the mention of his name.
Felix shrugged. ‘Can’t remember his name. Martha’s husband.’
Charlie nodded. ‘Oh, well,’ he said, his casual tone belying the volcano of fury that was threatening to erupt from within him at any minute. ‘At least you got home safe, eh?’
Felix’s face split into a wide smile of relief. ‘You’re not cross?’
‘No!’ Charlie scoffed, moving over and lifting him up. He was a light child anyway, but with the water holding most of his weight, it was like lifting a feather. Felix wrapped his arms around Charlie’s neck and Charlie squeezed him tightly. ‘I’m not cross at all,’ he soothed, using every ounce of his acting ability.
By the time Liv arrived home, Felix and Charlie were curled up on the giant sofa in the TV room watching Toy Story 3, which was Felix’s current all-time favourite film.
‘Hi!’ she chirruped brightly, as she passed by the door on her way to the kitchen.
Charlie gave Felix a quick squeeze. ‘I just need to have a chat with your mum, I’ll be back in a minute.’ He said, ruffled his son’s curls as he got up.
‘Good massage?’ he said, eyeing her carefully. He leaned his back against the cool white wall and folded his arms.
‘Hmm,’ Liv replied, either ignoring or unaware of Charlie’s tone as she poured herself a coffee. She took a sip and pulled out a stool, before whirling around to face Charlie and smiling broadly. As their eyes connected, it was almost comical the way her smile shrank back until it looked more like a grimace. ‘What’s wrong?’
Charlie glanced towards the TV room to make sure that Felix was not within listening distance. ‘I found out why Jamie was really here last night. That’s what’s wrong.’ Charlie had to speak as precisely as possible to stop his pent-up fury from bubbling over.
‘Oh.’ Liv dropped her eyes as a red rash began to spread from her chest to her neck.
Charlie watched its progress in fascination. ‘Is that all you’ve got to say?’ he hissed eventually when he decided that Liv had been silent for long enough.
‘I didn’t tell you,’ she said, gripping her coffee cup in front of her, as if in self-defence, ‘because I knew that this was how you would react.’
‘Bull
shit!’ Charlie hissed back, making Liv jump visibly. ‘I have never, ever lost it with you, even though you damn well deserved it!’
‘Please, Charlie . . .’ Liv begged, her face beginning to crumple.
‘Oh no you don’t,’ Charlie growled, unfolding his arms and pointing at her. ‘Don’t you dare turn on the waterworks now. You told our son to lie to me!’
‘I didn’t!’ Liv protested, her eyes widening as if to emphasise her innocence. ‘I just told him not to tell you,’ she added in a smaller voice.
‘It’s the same bloody thing,’ Charlie snarled. ‘And now I’m indebted to that . . . that arsehole! Arrrgh!’ He flung his arms out in frustration.
‘Charlie, I’m sorry, OK?’ Liv said, putting her coffee down and standing in front of him, as if she was ready to do battle.
Charlie looked down at the face that had tortured him for years now and wondered why he felt absolutely nothing for her. The glossy blonde hair, the smooth, peaches and cream complexion and that full mouth had haunted his days and his nights for as long as he could remember. Yet in an instant everything he had felt for her had just evaporated.
‘You were drunk,’ he said, looking at her dispassionately. ‘And I can smell alcohol on you now. You’ve been drinking again today, haven’t you?’
Liv closed her eyes for a second. She took a moment to compose herself before she spoke. ‘Yes, I was drunk,’ she admitted. ‘But I’ve had a very stressful few days, Charlie. Come on, cut me some slack!’
Charlie shook his head, still stunned by the epiphany he had just experienced; the realisation that she no longer had any power over him. ‘No,’ he said, aware that his voice sounded harsh, ‘I’ve cut you too much slack in the past. I should never have let you have custody of Felix . . .’
Liv’s eyes widened in terror as he continued.
‘But it’s not too late to put it right. I’m going to file for custody. I should have done it years ago. You’re not fit to look after him . . .’
Liv gasped and shook her head furiously. ‘No! No, Charlie, please! Don’t take Felix! It was a one-off . . . I’ll stop drinking altogether,’ she gabbled. She shuffled towards him and grabbed both his hands. Charlie tried to pull away but her grip was vice-like. ‘Listen to me, Charlie. I love Felix. I would never, ever do anything to harm him or put him at risk.’ As she spoke, she fixed Charlie with a wild stare that scared him.
He shook his head. ‘Well, that’s not true because you already did. No, it’s no good, Liv,’ he said, keeping his voice firm. ‘You need help. The panic attacks, the passing out . . . it’s not normal. You’ve got a problem and you need help to fix it.’
‘I don’t!’ she cried, dropping to her knees in front of him. ‘I can do it on my own! Please, Charlie, I’m begging you, please don’t take Felix. It would kill me.’ She slumped down so that her forehead was inches from the stone floor and lifted her head slightly.
‘No!’ cried Charlie, bending to grab her. But it was too late. Liv brought her head down onto the hard surface and Charlie winced as it made contact with a sickening crack. She looked up at him as a trickle of blood began to snake a path down the centre of her smooth, white forehead. Then, with an expression that almost looked like a smile, Liv’s eyes rolled and she slumped backwards, unconscious.
Chapter 36
Jane was in the kitchen making tea by the time Martha came downstairs. Her mum glanced at her and motioned towards the table, where Martha obediently sat. ‘Thank you,’ she said, as Jane placed a steaming cup of green tea in front of her and sat down opposite with her own cup.
Jamie was upstairs putting Tom to bed and Martha could just about make out his melodic voice as he read aloud to him. She took a sip of her tea and finally looked up to meet her mum’s eye. Jane was watching her with an appraising gaze.
‘So,’ Martha began, knowing that she had to have this conversation but at the same time wishing desperately that she didn’t. The creeping blanket of humiliation, that had become so achingly familiar over the past week or so, now crawled back into place and settled around Martha’s shoulders, making them droop with the weight.
‘So,’ Jane echoed. ‘What now, my love?’
Martha swallowed. She wasn’t going to cry any more. It didn’t help. It just made her feel a thousand times worse. ‘I honestly don’t know,’ she said, when at last she was able to speak.
‘It’s very tough on you.’ Jane nodded slightly and sighed heavily. ‘But I take it the fact that you came home with him means you’re going to try to make a go of it?’
Martha didn’t answer. She stared out over her mum’s shoulder into the garden, thinking how unfamiliar it looked after just a short time away. Dusk was falling and the colours were tinged with a faint orange glow that made it look warmer than it was. After the searing heat of LA, the coolness of an English evening seemed comforting and reviving. She wondered what Charlie was doing right now and who he was with. Already she missed him. Missed those eyes and that mouth, the smell and the touch of him. Wondered if he was missing her too.
‘Oh, God,’ Jane whispered, breaking into Martha’s thoughts. ‘You’re going to leave him, aren’t you?’
Martha glanced back at her in surprise, as if she’d forgotten she was there. ‘I don’t know,’ she repeated.
‘Look, Martha, I know how hard this is for you but, darling, you mustn’t give up everything you’ve got over one indiscretion.’
Martha looked at her mum curiously. Jane’s cheeks were flushed and she was blinking quickly, making her appear nervous. ‘It wasn’t just one indiscretion,’ she said, tilting her head and raising her eyebrows.
‘You know what I mean . . .’ Jane frowned as she spoke, causing two deep vertical lines to appear between her eyebrows.
‘You mean that it was just the one whore he was sleeping with repeatedly behind my back?’
Jane blanched as she spoke and Martha almost wanted to laugh at the expression on her mum’s face. She had always been such a good girl; her mother had probably never even heard her swear before. Martha decided it was a good job Jane hadn’t been in the house the morning she discovered the pictures, remembering some of the language she had used then and feeling a glint of renewed anger with Jamie as she did so. That was his fault, too.
‘It didn’t mean anything. It’s not worth wrecking your marriage over,’ Jane continued, her tone brisk and business-like.
Now it was Martha’s turn to frown. She took a sip of green tea to calm the jitters that were causing her hands to shake slightly. ‘I think you’ll find that it’s not me who’s wrecking the marriage.’
‘Well it would be you if you decided you didn’t want it to continue.’
Martha’s mouth dropped open in indignation. ‘Jesus, I can’t believe what I’m hearing! Why are you taking his side?’
‘I’m not!’ Jane snapped, quickly and emphatically. ‘I could quite happily strangle him with my bare hands . . .’ She paused for a moment as if she was enjoying the fantasy of murdering Jamie. ‘But I do think that apart from this . . . fling,’ she spat the word out with distaste. ‘Apart from that . . . you have a good marriage. And it would be awful for the children . . .’ Jane bit her lip and closed her eyes. When she opened them again, Martha could see that she had been on the verge of tears. ‘Mimi has been so upset while you were away, thinking that you had run off with some film star.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘The irony of it,’ she tutted.
‘I know,’ Martha agreed. ‘How do you think I felt, getting the blame when I’ve done nothing wrong?’
‘I mean,’ Jane continued, as if Martha hadn’t spoken. ‘As if!’
Martha felt herself bridle and knew she shouldn’t rise to it but she couldn’t help herself. Why was it so unlikely that Charlie would be attracted to her? ‘Well,’ she said, wishing she could keep her mouth shut, ‘as a matter of fact, Charlie was interested in me.’ She paused for a moment to enjoy the look of utter astonishment on Jane’s face. ‘But unlike my husband, I was
n’t prepared to put myself before my marriage and my children. I love them too much for that.’
Jane opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. Martha could see her brain trying to compute the information and make sense of it.
‘Oh God,’ Martha sighed. ‘What a bloody mess.’
‘Please don’t give up on your marriage, Martha. I know that what Jamie’s done is desperately hurtful for you, but I promise you that it’s not worth sacrificing all those happy years over.’
Martha frowned again at the realisation that Jane was trying to tell her something. ‘And you know this because . . .?’
The pale pink tinge of colour that had flushed into Jane’s cheeks intensified to a deeper shade of red. ‘I know because . . .’ Jane swallowed, ‘. . . because I’ve been in your position.’
Martha shook her head furiously. ‘No!’ she cried. ‘That’s not true!’
Jane took a deep breath and looked at her with such an honest stare that Martha knew for certain that she was telling the truth.
‘Dad?’ she said, her voice trembling. ‘Dad cheated on you?’ She continued to shake her head, as if it would somehow make what her mum had said untrue.
Jane shrugged. ‘It doesn’t have to mean the end of the marriage,’ she said, sounding pained, as if recalling the memory had hurt her anew.
Martha got up and turned her back on Jane, suddenly unable to bear the sight of her face. Her legs wobbled under her and she leaned over and clutched the worktop for support. First Jamie, now her father. Were there any men on the planet who could be faithful? ‘Charlie,’ whispered a little voice in her ear. Charlie could be faithful.
‘It’s almost as much of a shock as finding out about Jamie,’ she murmured.
‘I’m sorry, darling.’ Jane got up and came to Martha. She put her arms around her daughter’s shoulders and squeezed gently. ‘I never wanted you to know but I hope that it might make you think differently about what’s happened to you.’
Martha didn’t reply and continued to lean over, clutching the worktop, still unable to meet her mother’s eye.
