by Helen Warner
He still loved her so much and every single day he wished he could turn back the clock and change what he had done. But he no longer felt as if he knew what was going on inside her head the way he used to. They had been so in tune with one another, each knowing exactly what the other one was thinking. Now it seemed as though they circled each other warily, both scared of saying how they really felt.
And although they had resumed having sex again, Jamie could sense that Martha no longer gave herself up to the experience completely. That she was holding something back. He understood why – it was her way of protecting herself in case he did it again – but it saddened him that yet another part of their relationship had been tarnished.
Martha had leapt at the chance to go to LA again, and although it was Liv she was interviewing, not Charlie, he still felt threatened. Jamie was desperate to forget about that awful time but Martha seemed intent on revisiting it.
He was worried that she would arrive in LA and it would bring all the memories of that terrible week flooding back. That she would return home to him with a renewed sense of injustice. But he had no choice. He just had to sit tight and wait.
‘Dad,’ said a gentle voice, as Jamie sat with his head in his hands at the kitchen table. He looked up into Mimi’s large blue eyes, which at that moment were flooded with concern. ‘Are you OK?’
He nodded, unable to find his voice.
Mimi sat back down in the chair she had been using earlier. ‘OK, I’ll rephrase that,’ she said in a clear, strong voice that reminded him of how Martha used to be. Before he had reduced her to a shell of her former self. ‘I know you’re not OK,’ Mimi continued. ‘So, what’s wrong?’
Still Jamie couldn’t speak and he shook his head.
‘Is it to do with Mum going off to LA again?’ Mimi persisted. ‘Are you worried about her seeing that guy again? The film star.’
Jamie gazed back at her in admiration. She was so perceptive for such a young girl. Finally, he felt able to answer. ‘No, it’s not that I’m worried about Mum seeing him again. It’s just that . . . I wish she hadn’t gone, that’s all. I miss her,’ he finished feebly.
Mimi reached out and took his hand. ‘Are you and Mum splitting up?’ she asked in a small voice that instantly reminded Jamie of just how young she still was.
‘I hope not.’
Mimi’s eyes flashed with tears but she fought to hold them back, swallowing hard. ‘I think you are,’ she croaked.
He squeezed her hand in what he hoped was a reassuring way, while a mounting sense of panic swept over him. ‘What makes you think that, darling?’ he said in as even a voice as he could manage.
She shrugged, still fighting against the threat of tears. ‘You don’t seem very happy any more.’ She looked down at her lap as she finished speaking.
Jamie’s stomach dropped. Both he and Martha had congratulated themselves on protecting the children from the fallout from their problems. Neither of them had even considered that they might have picked up on the atmosphere in the house.
‘Everything’s fine!’ Jamie lied, sounding unconvincing to his own ears, let alone Mimi’s.
She took a deep breath, as if she was steeling herself to say something. ‘OK. The truth is, I heard you arguing last night,’ she said, the tears finally spilling over her long black lashes and splattering onto her cheeks like little fat raindrops. ‘I got up this morning and pretended that it must have been a bad dream because I didn’t want it to be true. But it wasn’t a dream, was it? It was real.’
‘Oh God,’ Jamie groaned, reaching over to hug her awkwardly across the corner of the table. He stroked her hair while she cried, frantically wracking his brains about what might have been said during their row. What did she hear? Gradually, with a dawning sense of horror, he remembered Martha yelling about his affair. ‘Oh God,’ he said again, this time with a resigned acceptance that he had been well and truly found out.
‘I heard every word,’ Mimi sobbed, as if to hammer home the point.
Jamie had no answer. Instead, he clung to her as a feeling of loss washed over him.
Mimi pulled back from him and pushed his chest, so as to completely extricate herself from his embrace. She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her school jumper, then pulled herself up to her full height and met his eye defiantly. ‘Poor Mum,’ she murmured, giving Jamie the full benefit of her steely expression of pure disgust.
Mimi had never, ever looked at Jamie like that. He was her friend. Her hero. The first man she had ever loved. Now she despised him, just like her mother. Jamie shook his head helplessly. What could he possibly say that would make this right? ‘Look,’ he said at last, ‘I made a terrible, terrible mistake, Mimi . . .’
‘You had an affair!’ Mimi snapped back, attempting to look defiant, but Jamie could see that her chin was still wobbling. ‘How could you do that?’
‘But, darling, this all happened a long time ago and Mum and I . . . well, we’re working our way through it. She’s forgiven me,’ he added, hoping that she would believe him.
‘She didn’t sound like she’d forgiven you,’ Mimi said, shaking her head as her mouth formed into a sneer. ‘And I don’t blame her.’
‘Oh, Mimi . . .’ Jamie felt desperate. He adored this child too much to cope with her despising him. ‘Please don’t say that. I love your mum and I’m doing everything I can to show her how sorry I am.’ He reached out to try to take Mimi’s hand but she snatched it away as if she had been burnt.
‘I hope she never forgives you!’ she cried, pushing back her chair so that it scraped angrily against the slate floor and standing up. ‘Because I know I never will!’ She burst into noisy sobs again and ran from the room. Jamie got up and watched her helplessly, as she grabbed her school bag and flung open the front door. ‘I hate you!’ she screamed, shooting him a look of pure, cold venom before slamming the door shut behind her.
Jamie could feel his whole body start to shake uncontrollably and he put his hand to his mouth in shock. He had always thought that Martha finding out was the worst thing that could possibly have happened. Now he knew that your child discovering that you were a cheat and a fraud was much, much worse.
Chapter 45
Travelling to LA economy class made Martha wish she had been in the right frame of mind to enjoy first class when she had had the chance. She was sat beside an American whose fat spilled over not just the top of his jeans but also his seat, meaning Martha had to lean to one side for almost eleven hours to avoid accidentally resting her arm on his flab.
Last time, she vaguely remembered that travelling with Charlie meant they were chaperoned through security and immigration by a special VIP greeter, who deftly propelled them to the front of the queues. Now she found herself waiting in a seemingly endless line to be rudely interrogated by one of the expertly miserable immigration officers.
Not that she was in any mood to enjoy anything after the terrible row she had had with Jamie. She really had begun to feel that she was getting better. That she had started to move forward. But the emotions that had swept over her like an unstoppable wave last night didn’t feel very much different to how she had felt when she first found out, except that perhaps they were less raw.
The worst thing of all, she thought, as she inched her way along the queue at an agonisingly slow speed, was that she couldn’t shake the sense that she was trapped. She still loved Jamie but the fissure in their marriage had turned into a huge, permanent crack that no amount of counselling or talking could mend. Yet she had made her decision and she couldn’t go back on it. She couldn’t risk losing the children and she owed it to them to stay. And although it pained her to acknowledge it, she owed it to Jamie too.
Through their counselling sessions, Martha had had to accept that although it wasn’t her fault that Jamie had had the affair, she had to shoulder some of the responsibility for not noticing how emasculated and unfulfilled he was feeling, or what an impact his mother’s death had had on him.
The irony of the situation she had found herself in was that it wasn’t Jamie’s tart who was the third person in their marriage, it was Charlie. Martha believed Jamie when he said that he never gave Debra a thought, except to think that he wished he had never clapped eyes on her. But they both knew that Martha couldn’t honestly make the same claim about Charlie. She thought about him endlessly, and because Jamie knew her so well, he could always tell.
In many ways she was relieved that Charlie had made the decision for her not to do his memoirs, thus ensuring that it was highly unlikely that they would ever see each other again. But on the other hand, Martha couldn’t get over her sense of loss at the prospect of losing him for good, and many times found herself fantasising over what might have been.
Finally, she reached the immigration desk and after a sullen interrogation, she was free to go. She hailed a taxi and ordered it to go to the Four Seasons, where she would be spending two nights before returning home. Peering out of the window from the back seat, as the cab raced towards Beverly Hills, she was struck by how many memories of Charlie there were here. Everywhere she looked, there seemed to be reminders of him and their short time together.
Almost immediately, the sun began to lift her spirits and cheer her mood, which had been further dampened at home by autumn creeping in with a smoky, grey chill. And as the warmth seeped into her bones, she began to look forward to the meeting she had lined up with Liv.
Although she knew that it must have been painful for her, Martha was relieved that Liv had got help for her drinking. It had been clear when they last met that she was on a dangerous path and she could understand why Charlie had been thinking of going for custody of Felix. But at the same time, Liv’s devotion to her son was evident and Martha hoped that Charlie would have a change of heart. She couldn’t imagine anything worse than the pain of losing your child, even if you still had access. Martha knew for certain that it would absolutely kill her to lose Mimi and Tom and she felt sure that Liv would be the same.
The taxi dropped her in the familiar courtyard in front of the hotel and Martha looked up at the towering building, feeling a swirl of affection for its golden pink walls. After checking in, she made her way down to the pool, where an attendant immediately made up a sunbed for her. Martha slipped off her boots, which she had needed back in the UK as protection from the incessant rain, and lay down with her bare feet and legs exposed to the sun, enjoying the delicious warmth that immediately spread from her feet through her whole body.
She lay with her eyes closed for a little while, before a voice caused her to open them in shock.
‘Is this bed taken?’
‘What the hell are you doing here?’ Martha gasped, sitting up and shielding her eyes with her hand to make sure she wasn’t seeing things.
Charlie sat down on the bed beside hers and stretched his long legs out in front of him, then he turned to look at her with a wide, mischievous smile. ‘Louisa,’ he said, rolling his eyes.
‘But Louisa said you were away filming.’
‘Filming, yes. Away, no. I’m filming here in LA.’
‘Then why did Louisa . . .?’ Martha shook her head, feeling baffled.
‘She seemed to think you wouldn’t come if you thought you might bump into me,’ Charlie interrupted. ‘Or more to the point, if your husband thought you might bump into me, which is pretty ironic, isn’t it? So she was a bit economical with the truth. She said you seemed pretty unhappy and she thought it might have something to do with me. She seemed to think we might have some unfinished business.’
Martha could feel the heat in her cheeks that was nothing to do with the sun beating down. Had her unhappiness been that obvious, even to a relative stranger? Her mouth felt dry and her heart was suddenly pounding. ‘Do we?’ she managed to say, her voice sounding higher than usual.
‘I think we do, yes,’ Charlie said. The fact that he didn’t move from his position on his lounger and didn’t look at her somehow made her feel even more exposed to his proximity.
‘Why are you even bothering with me, Charlie?’ she murmured. ‘You could have any woman you want.’
‘But I don’t want any woman . . .’ He smiled at the sky before turning his dark brown eyes towards her and saying the words that made her whole body turn to liquid: ‘I want you.’
‘I want you too,’ she replied, before her brain had time to censure her words. And as she spoke she realised that it was the truth. ‘But it’s all much too complicated . . .’ she added, feeling a sense of sadness wash over her, slowing her heart and drenching the swell of excitement that had started to build inside her.
Charlie didn’t speak for a while and her words hung in the still air between them. ‘You see,’ he said at last, ‘I’ve had a lot of time to think while Liv’s been in rehab and me and Felix were off travelling. And I’ve decided that things are only as complicated as you allow them to be.’
‘Sorry, Charlie,’ Martha sighed, shaking her head sadly. ‘I don’t agree. If we didn’t have kids, then yes, it would be straightforward. I would have gone by now. But when you have kids . . .’ she tailed off as the thought of Tom and Mimi caused her to choke up. ‘Well, it changes everything,’ she finished.
‘But look at Felix,’ Charlie said, swinging his legs over the side of the sunbed and sitting up so that he was facing her, instantly reminding her of the time they were here before, when he first kissed her. ‘His mum left me for someone else and yet both of us still have such a close relationship with him and he’s a very happy, balanced kid.’
‘But they’d blame me!’ Martha cried, also swinging her legs round and putting them on the ground, so that they were sitting with their knees almost touching. ‘That’s the bit I couldn’t bear!’ She looked up at Charlie, silently pleading with him to understand.
‘Then maybe you should tell them the truth.’
‘No,’ Martha said, shaking her head emphatically. ‘No, I could never do that. It would destroy all of us.’
‘Instead of just destroying you, you mean?’
She took a deep, shuddery breath as her mind whirled. ‘But what if we’re not compatible?’ She reached out and took Charlie’s hand in hers. ‘What if I leave him for you, only to find that we didn’t really know each other after all and it doesn’t work out?’
Charlie’s eyes bored into her. ‘Then don’t leave him for me,’ he said. ‘Leave him for yourself.’
Martha’s heart plummeted. ‘But I thought . . . I mean . . . you said you wanted me . . .?’
‘I do.’ Charlie gave her hand a firm, reassuring squeeze. ‘But don’t leave him for me. Leave him because you’re not happy to stay. If things were to work out with us – and I really hope they do – then great.’
It felt to Martha as if a rollercoaster was running through her head, as her emotions rose and fell with each breath.
‘I don’t know, Charlie,’ she said, her voice sounding as tiny as she herself felt.
‘I think you do know,’ he murmured, leaning forward and touching his lips against hers, causing her head to swim. She closed her eyes as his tongue began to explore her mouth and she could feel herself sinking into him.
Charlie pulled away from her and looked into her eyes, as if he was searching her soul for something. Without speaking, they stood up together, their hands still clasped, and Martha nodded, almost imperceptibly.
Chapter 46
Liv opened the huge front door. ‘Hi, again!’ she smiled, reaching out to kiss Martha on both cheeks.
Martha appeared to do a double-take. ‘Wow,’ she said, following Liv through the hallway into the kitchen at the back of the house. ‘You look amazing!’
‘Thanks!’ Liv smiled shyly, as she headed for the kettle and flicked it on. She was pleased at the compliment, but equally she felt embarrassed and ashamed to think about how bad she must have been before. ‘You look great too,’ she added quickly, taking in Martha’s shining eyes and glossy hair, so different to how she’d looked when she arrived at the house with Charlie all those months ago. ‘Actually, you look . . . glowing. You’re not pregnant, are you?’
‘No!’ Martha gulped, immediately flushing bright red and looking down, making sure that her hair fell in front of her face and covered her blushes.
Instantly, Liv’s radar was up and she was itching to ask more, but instead she made herself and Martha some earl grey tea and led her out through the French doors towards the table and chairs by the infinity pool. ‘It’s such a gorgeous day,’ she said. ‘I thought maybe we could do the interview out here?’
‘Great!’ Martha followed her down the path. ‘Wow, I’d forgotten how amazing this view is,’ she added, as they reached the table and sat down.
‘It is, isn’t it?’ Liv agreed, looking out over the Hollywood hills towards LA and the sea beyond, which was usually blanketed by the smog but today glittered cobalt blue in the shimmering sunlight.
Martha took her mini recorder out of her bag and placed it on the table between them. ‘You don’t mind, do you?’ she asked, raising her eyebrows questioningly at Liv.
Liv swallowed and shook her head quickly. Even though she felt as if she knew Martha and could trust her, she still had an innate mistrust of journalists. So much horrible stuff had been written about her, Charlie and Danny in the past that she had come to expect it.
As if reading her thoughts, Martha spoke: ‘I’m not here to stitch you up, Liv. You can trust me.’
